


An Officer's Fall

by Sourlander



Series: An Officer's Fall [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Dark Poe, Eventual Poe Dameron/Finn, First Order, First Order Poe Dameron, Gay Poe Dameron, Gen, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Pining Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Pre-Poe Dameron/Finn, Protective Finn, Stormpilot, Whump, poefinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:22:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 107,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8313868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander
Summary: “Happiness isn’t supposed to be the main goal of a First Order officer, Dameron!” Hux balled his hand into a fist and Poe bit back a retort he might regret later. No, personal happiness wasn’t supposed to be his or Morap’s first objective. But it had been in a way and just thinking that Morap preferred being out there without him than here with him proved to Poe that Morap’s priorities had been very different from his own.
    Poe Dameron, Officer in the First Order, is not only faced with suspicions of treason when the love of his life walks out on him and the Order, but also has to learn to deal with his conscience. The appearance of a young Stormtrooper confuses him even more. Yes, this is a Stormpilot fic with a little bit of extra drama!





	1. The Best Pilot in the Galaxy

** An Officer’s Fall **

****

** Chapter 1 **

_The Best Pilot in the Galaxy_

 

The green lights flashing by outside the viewport only distracted him for a moment before his eyes moved down to the console right in front of him. The hologram showed the new Special Forces TIE-fighters in action, weaving in and out of the red laser beams the B-Wings were firing at them and still keeping up their formation. One of their own was brushed by hostile fire and veered off course. Major Poe Dameron felt his insides clench, as he watched the TIE turn around on its axis and then returning to the rest of the squadron to renew the attack on the B-Wings, apparently unhurt. The squadron’s leader had returned and within a minute had blasted away two of the enemy ships, leaving only three remaining.

            Poe’s eyes followed the course the battle was taking from his station aboard the _Starburst_ , a Resurgent Class Star Destroyer. Every little manoeuvre had been planned out and practised over and over again. The squadron’s leader was the best they had and was able to control his pilots with ease. Those pilots out there were the best the First Order had to offer. Probably some of the best in the whole galaxy. Still he had to keep track of them their movements and keep his eyes on the sensor readouts at the same time.

            As another B-Wing vanished in a blaze of fire, the Corellian vessel they’d intercepted signalled their surrender. Poe still didn’t take his eyes off the TIEs herding the remaining B-Wings back to their ship. Beside him, Poe could see General Kafr smiling widely and nodded briefly after catching Poe’s eye.

“Well done,” he said to no one in particular, probably just addressing the successful operation. Poe of course hadn’t done anything but oversee the new machines in action and observe possible shortcomings in battle. He hadn’t found any, just as he had expected. The test runs of the week before had been perfect and the pilots manning the TIEs today had lived up to what had been expected of them.

            Poe nodded and let out a breath as Kafr walked past him. He allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment as he heard the General’s order to the TIEs’ pilots to retreat. Only now did he realize that his heart was pounding wildly in his chest. His thoughts went out to the Ties zooming back from the utterly defeated Corellian freighter as the _Starburst’s_ shuttles docked on its side to board the ship and confiscate anything of value.

            “Get your team together to prepare the readouts for presentation, Major.”

            Poe managed not to flinch as he heard the General’s voice right behind him. “Yes, Sir!” he blurted out without fully realizing what had been asked of him. With a jolt he pulled himself together. Now was not the time to think about anything but his job.

            “Debriefing in half an hour.” The General had moved to Poe’s right and was glancing at the hologram with his eyes squinting.

            Poe nodded, his skin prickling with awareness now, ready to jump when Kafr asked it of him. General Kafr had been in the Empire back in the day, had fought in the battle of Endor, and been among the first at hand to form the new First Order several years later. He was among the more prominent members of High Command and Poe knew that just being allowed to serve on Kafr’s ship, especially the command bridge, meant that he himself must have shown enough potential to be noticed by the people who mattered. He would not to let them down. “The presentation will be ready, Sir.” Grabbing the data pad in front of him, he turned to look at the hologram again to initiate the transfer of data.

            He had to focus. To keep his mind on the task at hand and not let himself be distracted. Taking another deep breath, he started comparing the readouts of today’s mission with the ones of the test flights, the simulations, and the pilots’ performance.

           

Poe Dameron had been born two years before the Battle of Endor on a now deserted planet in the Outer Rim to a pair of Rebel fighters. Exactly six months after the Empire’s defeat over the forest moon, Poe’s father had been killed on a mission and Poe’s mother, unable to control her anger at the senseless death, had thrown herself into a fight against the struggling Empire on her own; a fight which she had been doomed to lose.

            Today Poe couldn’t even remember her voice, but what he did remember was watching her being led away from him, never to be seen again, while a man in a dark grey uniform kneeled down in front of him to look him up and down. General Kafr had promised him that he’d be fine. That nothing would happen to him. Nothing at all. And four-year-old Poe had believed him. Had trusted him with his life, even if he didn’t fully understand the concept of trust. Back then Poe hadn’t been able to fully grasp what was happening to him of course. The only thing he did remember was a certain sense of relief of being free from his distant, somehow always slightly detached mother, while feeling this stinging, burning pain inside his chest at watching her go. Still… he hadn’t been able to understand that his mother had inadvertently delivered him into the hands of her enemy.

Her enemy. Not his. Of course he occasionally thought of what his parents might say had they ever known where he was now or what had become of him, but that never stopped him. He was only doing what he thought was right and what he had learned after all. The First Order was doing its best to help the galaxy. To rid it of the dysfunctional New Republic. The Old Republic had failed by not being able to prevent the Clone Wars from enveloping the galaxy in chaos and destruction, and the New Republic wasn’t much better. Only the Empire had been able to reorganize everything so that no warring factions could start fighting each other and threaten the peace. The Rebel Alliance had been the Empire’s only real threat and, as it turned out, had caused the Empire’s downfall. But now the First Order looked at it as nothing but a minor setback. Not as the end of Emperor Palpatine’s vision.

Looking at pictures of the Emperor made Poe slightly uncomfortable, but he attributed that to the sheer power the man had held before being betrayed by Darth Vader, his second in command. Poe of course wasn’t sure of the whole story but he didn’t think he needed to be. The only thing the past was good for was to move on from it. To fix the mistakes that had come before and turn them into success for the future. That was exactly why his position in the Order mainly included analysing flight data, devising strategies for improvement and giving feedback to the Order’s engineers if necessary. Not everyone could have done this job as well as him, he knew, and he remembered the day he had been put in special training for this precise job back at the First Order’s military Academy. Until he had been signed up there, he had been raised in one of the many orphanages the First Order ran for children whose parents had served the Empire and had perished before the signing of the Galactic Concordance, which had ended the war between the Empire and the New Republic.

General Kafr gave him only one look and Poe straightened up immediately. Connecting his data pad to the holo in the centre of the table took a while and he had some time to look around the conference room. Apart from himself and General Kafr, seven others had been asked to this meeting: four engineers, three commanding officers, and two more strategists such as himself. Save for one, none of the pilots who had participated in this mission were present.

Morap Bendar was the best pilot Poe had ever seen and he barely managed to suppress a smile when he saw him there sitting across from him, Morap’s reddish brown hair still dishevelled from his flight helmet and the top button of his uniform open, letting a strip of bare skin between neck and his uniform tunic show. Kafr hadn’t scolded the man upon entrance, but Poe was sure the pilot hadn’t heard the last of it. Maybe he’d be able to talk to him himself later on and remind him that in order to get the promotion he deserved, Morap Bendar had better adjust his appearance slightly.

            Clearing his throat, Poe exchanged one more look with the strategists at his side. They’d been part of his team for a long time and Poe liked working with them. Their insights had made preparing for this moment a bit easier.

“As far as we could tell,” Poe began, turning on the holo, which immediately started projecting the three-dimensional image of the Special Forces TIE-fighter on eye level, “the new TIEs responded very well to the real combat situation. The problems with the phase two inverter coils we encountered three days ago have been rectified, and the deflector shield generator is working better against the B-Wings’ fire than we would have anticipated. Lieutenant Bendar’s fighter only veered off course for a moment upon impact without taking damage.” He lunged into a recap of the battle that had taken place and then into the analysis. He didn’t even remember how many times he had been in a conference room such as this one, on-board one of the fleet’s Star Destroyers, with a couple of officers following his every word, asking the expected questions at the expected time, and providing Poe with the opportunity to talk even more and flick through the charts he and his team had prepared for the inevitable presentation.

            When he was done, he turned to look at Kafr once more for a short nod of approval and turned off the holo.

“Thank you, Major.” Kafr held Poe’s gaze for a moment longer, before he turned to address Morap, who was sitting right across from Poe. Morap caught Poe’s eye and though his lips remained in the position they had held the entire time, his eyes showed the smile he was fighting back, making Poe’s heart flutter.

Quickly Poe turned to look at his data pad again. The fact that he was close to Morap wasn’t unknown among the people assembled here. Personal contact wasn’t forbidden, as long as it didn’t interfere with their jobs and so far, Poe hadn’t let that happen. Neither had Morap. Still, in situations like these it could be hard not to be affected by the other’s presence.

“Lieutenant Bendar,” Kafr began, “Do you have anything to add to the Major’s presentation?”

Morap shook his head and folded his hands on the table top. “Not really, Sir,” he answered. “It all went really well.” There was a slight tremor in his voice, which probably only Poe could hear, and as Poe looked up he saw that Morap had gone slightly pale all of a sudden, his face almost stark pale against the dark backdrop of the black wall behind him. “The hyperdrive was affected by that one hit we took, though. Just for a moment, but still.” A narrow smile was playing on his lips and Poe could practically feel Morap’s comment coming, before it actually passed his lips. He wasn’t wrong. “Not that the hyperdrive would be much use if the fighter had already been blown to bits.”

Poe swallowed hard. Shaking his head slightly, he caught Morap’s eye, again

“Sir,” Morap added, after a blatantly obvious pause. What was wrong with him? Not that Morap had ever been particularly chatty in these kind of meetings, but today he didn’t even really seem to care about anything but getting out of here.

Kafr’s eyes narrowed for a moment, then he took a deep breath. “Very well,” he said. actively ending the conversation. “Captain Khabarakh, Captain O’jest, I want you to look over the connection between the field generator and the hyperdrive to see if anything can be improved. I want this fixed before the next exercise.” He spared a glance around the room. “Well done, everyone. Dismissed.”

Poe was on his feet, along with everyone else, but as he was farthest from the door, it took him a while to get there. He smiled vaguely at his team and when he saw that Morap had already left, he turned to look at them.

“Thank you for the statistics, Greggaleon,” he told the brown-haired woman at his side and threw her another smile, while the man to his left took out his datapad to check something on his schedule. His long, straight nose was practically all Poe could see, since Delaugh was so caught up in reading what the data pad was showing him.

“You too, Delaugh,” he added, exchanging a look with Lieutenant Nella Greggaleon, who had only just graduated the Academy. Lieutenant Alexon Delaugh wasn’t very talkative at the best of times, but did his work well enough.

Delaugh looked up at him and nodded briefly, before returning to look at his datapad again. “Our schedule says that it is time for dinner,” he said matter-of-factly, addressing Greggaleon rather than Poe. She threw one more look at Poe.

“Sir?”

“Go ahead,” Poe said, managing another smile. “You did really well today.” He was sure that she’d do well in general. Her record was flawless and she was a hard worker. “See you tomorrow.” He didn’t even bother talking to Delaugh, who wasn’t expecting Poe to say anything to him anyway. For some reason Poe didn’t really mind that Delaugh always seemed to be out of touch with the world around him. Delaugh did his work well enough and there was nothing to be criticized about him or his behaviour. He just didn’t seem to be interested in social interactions. But as long as he didn’t offend anyone,  Poe didn’t mind.

The two members of his team left through the door, headed for the mess hall. Poe wasn’t hungry. He had a feeling that he was needed elsewhere, even if Morap hadn’t exactly told him to follow.

“Do you have any idea what’s bothering Bendar?”

Poe turned to look at Kafr. They were the only ones left in the conference room and somehow he couldn’t help but appreciate Kafr’s show of concern for Morap. He shook his head. “I don’t know, Sir.” He looked towards the door, bit his lip and then turned to look at Kafr again. “He flew well enough today.”

Kafr nodded and pursed his lips slightly. His energetic chin seemed even more prominent now. “He may very well be the best pilot in the galaxy. Talk to him, if you can.”

“Yes, Sir.” Kafr hadn’t asked him to report what he found out, that was something at least. But he realized that from now on, because of his behaviour today, Morap would be closely watched. “Sir…”, Poe began and then stopped himself, though he already knew that it was too late.

Kafr shook his head. “I have reviewed your file, Major,” Kafr said, meeting Poe’s eyes, who immediately stood up straight. His file… why would Kafr review his file?

“You are in line for a promotion, you know that, right?”

Poe shook his head. No. No, he didn’t know that. And how in the world could he tell Kafr that he wasn’t interested? And why did Kafr tell him that right now? “I don’t know that, General.”

“Well, you are. Your work has been excellent and I wouldn’t be surprised if you went far in the Order. But you should know that sometimes it is easier to let certain things go.”

Poe felt his throat wound tight and his mouth dried like a puddle under Tatooine’s suns. He’d thought about promotion just like everyone else, of course, but if what Kafr was hinting at was true… At that moment he realized that advancing in the Order didn’t mean anything to him. Not if he had to leave someone else behind in the process.

“It is not my place to give you advice on your personal life, of course. But I believe you should think this over.”

Kafr’s mouth twitched into a faint smile, before he nodded once more and left, leaving Poe standing there with his heart pounding in his chest. After a moment, he managed to pull himself together and strode, quickly, to the nearest turbo lift. As soon as the sliding doors closed behind him, Poe let out an agitated sigh. The back of his neck was wet with cold sweat and a few droplets ran down his spine. Finally alone, at least for a couple of seconds, he allowed himself to lean his back against the gleaming black wall of the transport and close his eyes for a heartbeat. He knew exactly what Kafr was asking of him. He knew that serving the Order meant sacrifice but he wasn’t sure he could do it. Giving up Morap to be allowed to serve the Order even more efficiently? It seemed impossible.

He ran a hand over his neck and blinked as the door opened once more, this time to the upper habitation levels. He had moved up here about two years ago. It was a fairly small cabin on one of the lower levels, but he’d still moved up from the very bottom. Slowly but surely he had advanced in the Order’s ranks, his every action designed to lead him to this point. And now it could be the end of the line.

As he approached the door to his cabin, he didn’t meet anyone. Most people were probably at dinner or on their shifts and Poe was grateful for it. This day, which had started out so well with Morap draped over him, the other’s breath running gently through his hair, had turned into a disaster within seconds. This one meeting had managed to throw him off balance, or rather Kafr’s words had done that.

A wave of disappointment washed over him, as he opened his door and didn’t find Morap waiting for him. Of course Morap had his own, slightly smaller cabin two levels down from his own, but that didn’t mean that he necessarily had to spend the recreational time assigned to him there. In fact, Morap barely ever slept in his own quarters. Poe couldn’t even remember the last time he had woken up without Morap by his side.

Sighing once again, Poe let his teal coloured command cap fall on the small desk by the door, enjoying the feeling of minimal freedom on his head. Running a hand through his hair, he realized that it was already growing out. Soon he’d have to get it cut again, before the curls started getting out of control. Looking out the small window, he crossed his arms over his chest, wondering when, or if Morap would show up.

He hadn’t liked what he had seen. Morap, two years older than himself, had always had his problems at the Academy and had graduated last in his class. It wasn’t that Morap was stupid, or unwilling to learn, but rather that he had his own mind, barely ever able to fit in. When Poe had met him during a training session for their age group fifteen years ago, he couldn’t help but be impressed by Morap’s ability to disregard rules and still get away with it by not ever being held accountable for his actions. During their time at the Academy they had become friends quickly. Poe, intent on serving the Order as best he could and Morap, unable to keep his mind focused on only one goal at a time, had made an unlikely pair of friends then. When Poe had graduated at twenty-two and had found himself on the _Starburst_ as a young squad leader, they had met again and all of a sudden their friendship had turned into something more. It was more intense. More intense than Poe would have thought possible and ever since, he had considered every day without seeing Morap even for a minute a complete waste. He knew that it was dangerous to let himself be controlled by personal feelings like that, but so far, until now, it had never interfered with his devotion for his job, or with his duty to the First Order. He and Morap both had this one duty in their lives and so far, they had been in it together, even after Poe had started climbing the Order’s ranks and advancing, even overtaking Morap. Until today…

Poe flinched, when the door behind him gave way. He turned around quickly. The only person who had the code for this door, apart from himself, was Morap and so he wasn’t surprised to see his partner standing there in his light grey Captain’s uniform, the buckle on his belt smudged and the collar slightly ruffled. At least he had gotten his hair in order.

“Hey,” Poe said quietly, as Morap entered, a tray in his hands, which he must have snuck out of the mess hall for Poe without anyone noticing. How Morap did these things was still a mystery to Poe, but he didn’t ask. “I thought you’d be here.”

Morap shook his head. He wasn’t smiling. Usually he was. Not so today. He put the tray on the table, pushing Poe’s command cap to the edge in the process, as the door slid shut behind him. “I thought you’d be at dinner,” Morap answered, not looking at Poe.

            “Like I said, I thought you’d be here.” They weren’t getting anywhere with this… Poe shook his head, approaching Morap and taking the familiar face into his hands. “You’re not okay,” he observed and brushed a strand of hair out of Morap’s face. Morap’s command cap wasn’t really suitable for holding back the awful amount of hair Morap grew and Poe had to remind his partner constantly to get a haircut.

            Morap sighed, wrapped his arms around Poe’s waist and pulled him close, kissing him briefly. “Sorry,” Morap murmured and then let go of Poe to sit down on the bed.

            “Don’t be.” Poe managed a smile and started opening the top buttons of his uniform. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you? You flew great today. Kafr called you the best pilot in the galaxy after you were gone.” He omitted to mention the other things Kafr had said. It didn’t seem to be the right time to discuss these things and he frankly didn’t want to. The only thing he _did_ want to do was curl up in bed and turn on the holo to watch one of those mind numbing holo-vids the First Order provided them with. He needed his mind numbed. Especially now.

            He took off his uniform tunic and slid it carefully on a hanger. The code cylinders were shimmering slightly in the light provided by the lamps overhead. Taking off his boots, he felt Morap’s eyes on him. Slowly he turned around to face him. Morap was still sitting there in the same position, arms on his knees and eyes fixed on Poe.

            “The new TIEs are amazing to fly.” It was the first cheerful sentence about the day Poe had been able to coax out of him, but Morap didn’t sound like he really cared.

            “You want to tell me about it?”

            Morap smiled weakly. “You already know all about it, Major.”

            With a scoff, Poe sat down next to Morap and put a hand on his knee. “Not exactly,” Poe admitted. “I have never flown anything. Just in simulations and you, my friend, know what I mean. I know the data, but I would like to know how it felt.”

            Pulling a face, Morap shook his head. “The flying itself is unbelievable,” he said after a while and put his arm around Poe once more, pulling him close. At least he was talking, Poe thought, shifting slightly and wrapping his legs around Morap, who was always so wonderfully warm.

“The fighting…”, Morap said, “not so much.”

Poe swallowed hard and raising his eyebrows, put a finger under Morap’s chin, forcing him gently to look him in the eye. “What’s up, babe?” He tried smiling, but the smile got stuck on his lips as he saw the look on Morap’s handsome face. The light brown eyes showed a sadness, which made it hard to breathe.

“My first real combat…” Morap said hoarsely and Poe nodded. Yes, that it had been. Other First Order ships had already encountered resistance, but this had been their first time actually heading out into the Outer Rim to intercept a freighter on one of the many trading routes into the Republic.

“Just a couple of smugglers,” Poe said quietly. “We’re just intercepting them, taking what we need to fight this war. No civilians were hurt.”

Morap nodded, but he didn’t look entirely convinced by what Poe had said. Ten years. They had been together for ten years now and though Poe had seen Morap in all kinds of situations, this was new. There had only been three occasions, when Morap had been inconsolable and had remained so for a couple of weeks and this look in Morap’s eyes right there, had always preceded those weeks.

Poe allowed Morap to pull him closer, glad to provide him with much needed warmth and affection. His eyes closed shut as soon as their lips touched. Morap smelled good. Clean. After the mission had been completed Morap had showered and changed in order to be ready for the meeting in the conference room and Poe could still smell the scent of standard issue shampoo and soap rising from his skin. He sighed against Morap’s lips, relieved to find him still capable of this, and pushed his hand under Morap’s open tunic to feel the warmth of his skin. He needed this. Needed this as much as Morap did. It felt like they were falling. Falling into a trap someone had laid out for them and nothing but one of them taking action would be able to break the fall.

When they finally lay next to each other, exhausted and out of breath, Poe closed his eyes and pushed all thoughts of General Kafr far away from him, even as he drew Morap closer to him. They hadn’t talked any more, instead doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company and simply being together. Being one. Just as they had been these last ten years.

“Poe?” Morap whispered, putting an arm around Poe’s waist to hug him closer to his chest.

“Morap?” Poe couldn’t help but smile, as he looked down at Morap, whose lush hair was damp with sweat and sticking to Poe’s chest.

“One of the pilots who got transferred here two weeks ago told me something.”

Were they getting to the bottom of what was happening here? Was this what Morap had meant to tell him without being able to? “Today?”

“Yes…” Morap paused for a moment and took a deep breath before plunging into it, his right leg wrapped tightly around Poe’s as if determined not to let him go. “High Command has started building this weapon. It’s supposed to be called Starkiller Base. This one pilot has been on that base. Training there, you know?”

Poe swallowed hard, finally starting to realize what was bothering Morap. “You shouldn’t be telling me this,” he whispered. In fact Morap shouldn’t even know this probably. If one of the pilots assigned to his squadron started blabbering, he should be reported, but of course Morap had never paid too much attention to the rules. Poe’s whispered plea didn’t stop Morap now.

“It’s a whole planet, Poe, a planetary super weapon. It has the power to destroy an entire solar system in one strike.”

Poe gasped despite himself. This was big. Huge! Bigger than anything he had ever heard. He was silent for a while. Trying to digest the news of a superweapon which was supposed to be even more powerful than the Death Star. And it dawned on him why Morap hadn’t been able to keep this down. Of course he hadn’t. Not Morap, who was more sensitive than anyone in the Order should be. Poe himself had trouble grasping what Morap was telling him here. “So?”, Poe said after a moment. It was all he could think of saying. The only thing wouldn’t incriminate him or Morap.

“What are we doing here?” Morap asked. “Helping to build that base… attacking smugglers to do it… killing people to kill even more people.”

Poe bit on his lip, forcing himself to swallow down an answer Morap would hate to hear and which he couldn’t quite believe himself. _It needs to be done_ , he should have said. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to utter these words. “Morap…” He broke off, unable to finish the sentence.

“I mean-“ Morap sat up with a jolt, the blanket sliding off his chest, “I mean… does it seem right to you?”

Poe sat up as well, leaning his back against the wall behind the narrow bed he and Morap had shared for such a long time. “I-“ he stopped himself and shrugged. “I don’t know what to say to be honest.” Ten years. They had been in this relationship for ten years and for the first time Poe felt like he should have expected this to happen. Morap wasn’t set out for this. Maybe this wasn’t right, Morap being here, if it caused him this much distress. He stretched out a hand to put it on Morap’s back, feeling a violent twinge in the pit of his stomach. The whole galaxy felt as if it was slowly but surely drifting away from him.

“Do you ever think we could be one of those civilians?” Morap asked, “Just living their normal day to day lives? Having a family.”

Poe swallowed and turned to look around the room. His home. The only place he had ever really known was this one. His place in the First Order. “I’d love to be with you forever…”, he murmured, avoiding Morap’s question and taking a deep breath to force himself to say the rest, “but our place is here. This is our home… your brother is here; I am here… where would you go?”

Morap shook his head and turned around to look at him, his eyes swimming with tears. “You could come with me…”

There it was again. That pain that felt like a punch in the gut. Like something was pulling at his insides. Twisting them.

Poe forced a smile. Whatever Morap was saying here, Poe felt like not even the ten years they had spent together, could make those words right again. Like they were ending something, without Morap meaning them to. Poe breathed heavily. He didn’t want this. Didn’t want this to happen. This to end. But of course it wouldn’t. This couldn’t be over. Morap was sad. Reacting to what had happened today. Poe had learned that every individual reacted differently to their first combat. Everyone was different, Morap especially. “Where?”, he asked again, smiling this time. “There is nowhere else to go.”

One single tear ran down Morap’s face, and as Morap leaned in to kiss Poe again, Poe could taste the salt on Morap’s lips.

Two days later Morap was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big big BIG thank you goes out to my two wonderful betas [flausengut](http://flausengut.tumblr.com/) and [starbirdrampant](http://starbirdrampant.tumblr.com/). I have no idea what I'd do without you!! <3


	2. The Brother

** Chapter 2 **

_The Brother_

 

“What you’re saying, Major, is that you had no idea of his plans?”

            “Yes, Sir.” He was sweating and the Generals sitting at the table across from him could undoubtedly see the beads of sweat sticking to his forehead. “I did not.” It wasn’t entirely true and lying to his superiors had never been easy for him. He was thirsty, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth as the Generals eyed him with the same superiority in their eyes as they had, when he had entered the small conference room for this confidential meeting.

            Armitage Hux, a man his own age, who had just been appointed General and had arrived on the _Starburst_ early for a meeting of High Command, leaned forward with his index finger pressed against the tabletop as if trying to prove a point. His blue green eyes met Poe’s and for the fraction of a second Poe felt like they were back at the Academy; sitting in the same classroom, studying. Back to the moment when Hux didn’t know the answer to a teacher’s question concerning the weaknesses displayed by Darth Vader’s ship the _Executor_ during the battle of Endor. Poe had whispered the answer to Hux as quietly as possible, but Poe would never forget the disdainful look on Hux’s face after he had blurted out the correct answer. The narrowed eyes narrowed and the lips curled in a disgusted sneer were just the same now, only that this time this face in front of him might make the difference between life and death for him.

            “You claim to have had no knowledge of Lieutenant Bendar’s plans to desert the First Order?”

            Poe did not take his eyes off Hux for even a single moment, though he saw Kafr shift uncomfortably in his seat. Biting back a remark on how often he was supposed to answer this question until they believed him, Poe took a deep, calming breath. “I didn’t know,” he repeated. “I know that he wasn’t happy with his life here, that is all.” That of course was a vast understatement, but Poe had been wracking his brains about what he’d be able to tell his superiors in the interrogation he was bound to be forced to undergo. Morap’s relationship to him hadn’t been secret and the fact that Poe might have to face the consequences of Morap’s treachery should have been apparent to Morap. But of course Morap hadn’t cared about that. Morap had only been interested in himself. It was still hard to even think that way, but for Poe it was the only way of thinking of Morap at all without being reduced to a sobbing mess. Anger was keeping him standing right now. Nothing else.

            “Happiness isn’t supposed to be the main goal of a First Order officer, Dameron!” Hux balled his hand into a fist and Poe bit back a retort he might regret later. No, personal happiness wasn’t supposed to be his or Morap’s first objective. But it had been in a way and just thinking that Morap preferred being out there without him than here with him proved to Poe that Morap’s priorities had been very different from his own.

            He fought to keep his face as impassive as possible, as he returned Hux’s stare. “I am still here, General, aren’t I?”

            “Yes, but why?”

            “Sir!” Poe narrowed his eyes, unable to say anything else to shut Hux up. It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t.

            “What, Dameron?” Hux got to his feet and immediately Poe saw Kafr look up at him, his eyebrows raised. “Do you mean to tell me that after ten years of spending almost every minute of recreational time with this man, you just decided to let him leave? Just like that? Let him join the Rebels and you’d stay behind without a word against-“

            “General Hux-“ Kafr interrupted him, holding up a hand.

            Poe wiped his hands on his trouser legs as inconspicuously as possible. He was doing his best to return Hux’s stare by now, while his heart was racing suffocatingly fast in his chest.

            Kafr shook his head dismissively. “We do not know what passed between Major Dameron and Lieutenant Bendar or if Lieutenant Bendar actually joined the New Republic. We have no proof, though it seems very likely of course. We are here to discern what happened as calmly and as orderly as possible. But may I add that I told Major Dameron that he might possibly ruin his prospects in the Order if he continued his relationship with Bendar.”

            Hux held Poe’s gaze for a moment longer and then, with an almost silent snort, sat back down again. Kafr’s words did nothing to comfort Poe. Just imagining the Generals thinking that he let Morap go just so he could advance in the Order was like a punch to the gut. He felt his heart rate slow down considerably though. Maybe this was all for the best. Maybe Morap leaving was better for him. For the Order in general… Maybe… But still Poe felt more betrayed on his own account than anything else. With time that might pass, he told himself. If only he had a minute to think…

            “You took part in several undercover missions after graduating the Academy, did you not? Along with Lieutenant Bendar?” Kafr had taken up the thread of questioning now and Poe was grateful for it. Grateful that he didn’t have to keep looking at Hux. Kafr had been the one to take him to the orphanage after his mother had been taken and it had also been Kafr who had overseen his progress from afar. Somehow this man sitting in front of him with his greying handlebar moustache was closer to a father to Poe than anyone could be. Their relationship was strictly reserved to First Order business of course, but still Poe felt more comfortable around this man who had kept a close eye on him for most of his life. Still, where Kafr was heading with this line of questioning was a mystery to Poe.

            “Yes, Sir,” Poe answered, his voice now firmer than it had been the last time he had spoken up.

            “And during those missions you as well as Bendar have encountered informants of the New Republic, is that correct?”

            Hux snorted again, this time more audibly. “I’m sure that’s where Bendar first got into contact with the Rebels.”

            Kafr shot him a look. “Maybe. But for now we are here to discuss Dameron’s involvement in this.” With raised eyebrows Kafr turned to look at him. “Your missions, Major. I believe I asked you to tell us about those. You went with Bendar most of the time?”

            Poe nodded slightly, his palms growing wet again as he looked Kafr in the eye. “Occasionally. I went alone on undercover missions. I only spent two or three of them with Lieutenant Bendar. It’s all in the reports.”

            With a slight smile, Kafr looked up something on the data pad lying in front of him. “Very detailed reports they are. Yours anyway. I couldn’t say so for Bendar’s.”

            Swallowing hard, Poe wished for something to drink. Where was this heading? He threw a quick glance over at Hux, who was sitting there, still eying Poe suspiciously. Morap had never been good at writing lengthy reports. Poe had never read anything Morap had written about their missions, as all reports were classified, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t noticed that Morap almost always handed his reports in only shortly before the deadline and always wrote them an hour before handing them in.

            “He tended to describe you in flying colours, did you know that? Your leadership skills, your negotiating techniques… the mission itself was almost never as important to him as his evaluation of you.”

            Poe felt his ears grow hot. He shook his head. “I didn’t know that, Sir.” He felt something rise up in him. Something so different from the anger boiling inside of him and before he knew it there was a stinging burning sensation in his nose.

            Kafr nodded slightly. “You have always shown the highest sense of devotion for the Order, Dameron. It shows not only in your performance, but also in the way others mention you in their reports.” He smiled again. “Personally I believe that you have never wavered in your determination to serve the First Order, but what of Bendar? I am fully aware that this is very personal, but we need to know. Did you notice him being particularly friendly with anyone while you were on your missions?”

            Poe’s insides clenched painfully, as he took a deep breath. This was something he could deal with. “No, Sir,” he said. “But to be fair I haven’t been on a mission in quite a while. These last seven years Lieutenant Bendar and I have only ever been on leave together once. To his brother’s wedding last year. Apart from that we haven’t been assigned missions together. I was more involved with tactical evaluations of the New Republic’s military performance than anything else and Lieutenant Bendar has been commanding his own company of Special Forces in training.” None of this was news to the Generals sitting across from him, but Poe still felt the need to recount these events. “We have been close through all those years, yes, but…” he trailed off, unable to say anything else about his relationship to Morap. Saying those things aloud made Morap’s absence even harder to bear.

            There was silence. A silence stretched out into what felt like minutes and Poe was no longer able to look either General in the eye. Morap had left him willingly. Knowing that Poe would be in trouble if he did. Of course Morap had asked him to come along, but that option had seemed impossible to Poe at the time. Even now he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else than with the First Order. It was all he had known and he was sure to be lost without it. No. He couldn’t have left. But why had Morap felt like he needed to go? Like he could just leave Poe behind?

            Kafr took a deep breath. “Major, are you aware that Lieutenant Bendar’s father was accused of treason nineteen years ago?”

            Poe nodded silently, feeling a twinge of panic twisting his guts. “Yes, Sir. I was in Assembly the day Chancellor Hux announced it to the Academy.” His eyes met General Hux’s involuntarily. He had been there as well. Everybody knew who Morap Bendar’s father had been and Hux’s father had made sure of that. Poe had watched Morap suffer in silence for a while and then, all of a sudden, Morap had picked himself up again and for a couple of years Poe had lost sight of the boy who had been branded by Chancellor Hux’s words about his father’s betrayal in front of the entire school.

            The Chancellor’s son raised his eyebrows slightly, apparently willing to take the cue from Kafr. “And he never mentioned his father to you? A connection to his father’s friends within the Rebellion?”

            Poe took another deep breath. Yes. Morap had talked about his father. In his sleep. Unconsciously. Talk about family had never been an issue between them. The only things Poe knew about his own parents told him, that they would have been his enemies today and Morap’s father himself had been a traitor. There had been nothing to discuss on this matter. They’d had each other and that had been enough. At least for a while. “No, Sir. We never discussed family, contacts to the Republic or anything of the sort. He…” He cut himself off and turned to look at Kafr, whose grey eyes almost seemed kind in a way Poe hadn’t expected. Encouraging even. “Sir, he asked me to go with him, but I didn’t know what he meant.” Telling this to Kafr was easier. Easier than saying anything to Hux who sat up straighter in his chair, attentive and intrigued by what Poe was saying. “I thought he wanted to leave military service, become a civilian. I told him no and that was that. I had no idea he’d steal a shuttle or that he had already assembled a couple of other people to go with him.” That was perhaps the thing that hurt most of all. The other officers and soldiers Morap had taken along. He had given up on Poe the moment Poe had said no.

            Another snort from Hux told him that he didn’t believe him, or at least didn’t want to do so. Poe’s eyes flickered back to Kafr who nodded silently.

            “Like I said, personally I believe you, but you see of course that we can’t take your word for granted.”

            Poe nodded, his hand shaking slightly. “Yes, General.”

            “You are on probation for the foreseeable future and will be closely monitored.”

            Hux threw a look at Kafr, telling Poe that he hadn’t expected the other to say this out loud. Poe understood. The very fact that he had been told about this monitoring was a personal favour Kafr was granting him, one which Poe probably didn’t even deserve. He knew that he should have made Kafr aware of Morap’s plans. Leaving military service was out of the question for anyone not wounded beyond recovery in battle.

            “Yes, General,” Poe repeated once more, grateful to be let off this easily. Had it been up to Hux alone he would surely have had to face more severe repercussions for being involved with a traitor.

            _Traitor_. The word still echoed in his head whenever he thought of it and the concept of the man who had woken up next to him almost every morning for the last ten years had betrayed not only the Order but him. Had left him alone, not giving a damn what the consequences for Poe might be. Morap was a traitor... the man he loved had left him in this terrible mess…

            “You’re dismissed, Major. You may go back to your duties”

            Poe nodded again and then came to his feet, his knees weak from the tension that had kept him on edge the entire day. He saluted to the Generals, not quite meeting Hux’s eyes and then turned on his heels to walk out the door, trying to not look like a man on the run.

 

Automatically his legs had carried him to the room where he usually worked with his team. He didn’t stop, didn’t pause to give himself even one moment to think before typing his access code into the panel next to the door, which slid open easily, revealing five people standing around the console in the middle of the room, the hologram of a TIE fighter revolving slowly around itself projected in the centre of the room.

            As Poe entered the room everyone turned to stare at him as one and just as quickly turned their attention back to whatever they had been doing in his absence. All of a sudden no one was willing to meet his eye.

            Jaw clenched and hands clasped firmly behind his back, Poe made his way over to the men and women desperately trying to avoid eye contact with him. They knew, of course. Everyone knew. Suddenly he realized what this would mean for the remainder of his career, possibly his life, what being marked as the traitor’s lover would mean, breathing was harder than ever before.

            “Greggaleon!” Poe snapped, staring at the holo of the TIE, his insides burning. The slender woman flinched and took a step towards him. Before she could speak up however, Poe had started talking again. Fast, precise and his accent as sharp and pointed as it hadn’t been since his days at the Academy. “What have you discussed so far? Have the engineers responded to the modifications we suggested?”

            Greggaleon’s eyes were wide as she shook her head, a brown strand of hair making its way out of the severe bun at the base of her neck. “Not yet, Sir,” she answered, her voice quiet and still not meeting his gaze.

            “Get on it now!” His voice was loud. Probably too loud, but there wasn’t much he could do to keep it down to a normal level. His heart was racing and he knew that every step he took from now on would be observed even more closely.

            Greggaleon nodded briefly and turned away from him, heading over to a console near the viewscreen. In sending her away he had neglected to make sure she filled him in on what their progress had been. His eyes scanned the charts on another console to his left, displaying the formations the B-Wings had taken when attacking the TIEs.

 _Back to work_ , Poe thought. That was all. He needed to get back to work and do his best. It was not only the single thing that would keep his mind occupied, but also the very thing that would get him out of this mess. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, before turning back to his team. Still none of them was looking at him. He needed them as much as he needed his own wits about him and snapping at them constantly wouldn’t get the work done any faster.

“May I have your attention please?” His voice was calmer now, though inside he was still torn between wanting to go to his quarters, lock himself in there and forget these last few days ever happened, and diving into work.

Slowly everyone looked up. Three men and four women, none of them new to the team, all of them familiar with their work here and also with him. Delaugh was the last of them to look up. The datapad in his hand, he returned Poe’s gaze as if he’d prefer going back to work instead of listening to a speech he had no interest in.

“I have just returned from a meeting with Generals Kafr and Hux.” This was being recorded. He knew it. It had to be. Hadn’t they said that he’d be closely monitored from now on? He took another breath. “I haven’t been relieved of my command, as you may have guessed by me walking in here again and if you have anything to say to me about this matter, do so now or keep your silence!” He wanted to say more. So much more. But he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it. So he stared everyone in the eye directly, and not a single person turned their head to look away. No one spoke up.

Poe waited another moment, before nodding silently and giving them all ten more seconds to speak up. “Fine,” Poe said, waving Delaugh over. His detached attitude was probably the only one he could bear at the moment. “Delaugh, fill me in. Everyone else, get on with whatever you were doing.”

He felt his shoulders relax, as the tension seemed to drain out of the room at least to some respect and when Delaugh approached him, he was still determined to let none of the others see how much all of this was actually getting to him by acting as though nothing had happened whatsoever. At least no one was pointedly avoiding eye contact anymore. That was something.

As he listened to Delaugh explain the new flight manoeuvre they had been working on, Poe reached for his own datapad, taking occasional notes. “Fine,” he said, after Delaugh had finished talking. “Run a couple of simulations with what we have so far.” Delaugh nodded, then turned away and Poe returned to his work station, inconspicuously wiping his brow as he sat down at the narrow desk, data pad in hand. The list of things to do hadn’t shortened, but he was sure to get his team working on a couple of extra things before the end of this shift.

The TIEs schematics in front of him hadn’t been altered, but a couple of comments suggested adjustments on the shield generator to protect the hyper drive from being blown to bits by short circuit after a minor hit. Delaugh had done a good job, Poe realised not for the first time. The man knew what he was doing and if he seemed a little detached from everything else that seemed to give his ability to dive into his work like no one else a special boost. Poe looked up from his workstation, looking at his team talking amongst themselves and working as efficiently as ever. A familiar sight, yet Poe felt like he had never been as far away from them as never before. For a moment he wished for Delaugh’s ability to vanish within himself. Not to be bothered by being apart from everyone else. Not to be hurting like this…

Shaking his head, Poe looked back down at his datapad and connected it to the work station in front of him to review the training session of the day before. He didn’t want to, but he knew that he needed to keep going if he wanted to survive this. He had to get this final evaluation and improvement over with as soon as possible so he could move on. He knew that he should be working on something else. On the evaluations of the escape, but he couldn’t. Not right now.

His eyes were burning again, but he refused to let anyone see his distress. Keeping his eyes fixed on the screen, Poe opened the file displaying the manoeuvres the TIEs had flown the day before and their effectiveness against the B-Wings. But there it was again, in the timeline showing what had gone wrong, there was the moment in which the TIE in which Morap and his co-pilot had been had been grazed by enemy fire and had veered off course for a moment and Poe felt his throat tighten just looking at it. He quickly scrolled past it, but he was too petrified to do anything else. He remembered exactly how it had felt to see his partner being hit. To feel the twinge of panic of losing him. Of never seeing him again. There had been no place for that emotion up on the command deck, but still it had been there. Only when Morap had regained the control over his TIE, had he been able to function properly again. He had been worried sick, worried that all they had together would be gone… but then again it had already been lost…

Forcing himself to breathe steadily, he moved the screen of his workstation so that none of his team could see him and he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, to slow his rapid heartbeat as images of the morning flashed before his eyes. His bed empty. Morap gone, when Morap never got up before he really had to. The weird feeling that something was terribly wrong, his head aching from whatever drug Morap must have used to keep him sleeping through his departure. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, the rising panic telling him that his life was about to change drastically.

Then the alarms had sounded and he could hear the _Starburst_ around him ready itself for battle. Within seconds he had been up and dressed. His comm sounded, telling him to be on the command bridge as soon as possible and he had hastened there, hurried to get to where he was needed and wondering where Morap was, though feeling deep within him, that Morap wasn’t there anymore.

 When he had reached the command bridge, the shuttle with at least five people on board had already taken off and was doing its best to outrun the _Starburst’s_ canon fire. Just by looking at the screens displaying the course the shuttle had taken thus far, Poe had known that Morap was flying it. He had watched him fly so often, had even accompanied him on those few occasions when they had been on a mission together that Poe knew his style by heart and from one moment to the next he knew that he had to tell Kafr what to do to destroy the shuttle firing at the _Starbursts’s_ turbo-laser battery. For a heartbeat he had just remained standing there, staring at the screen in disbelief as Kafr stormed towards his work station, pulling him out of his stupor. Poe had murmured something, told Kafr quickly what he needed to know, but it hadn’t been quickly enough. The shuttle had escaped and Poe had to admit that he was relieved. This way he didn’t have to see Morap tortured and executed. This way he didn’t have to face Morap again. Only his memory… maybe that was something he could deal with…

Poe closed his eyes for a moment, ordering himself to get a grip on himself and not waste any more energy thinking about Morap and his own suffering. When he opened his eyes again a small icon announced an incoming message. Frowning, wondering whether Kafr and Hux might not be done with him after all, he opened the message and his heart contracted in a painful squeeze. Of course he should have expected this. He should have known that Morap’s brother would contact him. He must have gone through a similar interview himself, but still… Seeing Morap’s last name displayed in front of him right now came as a shock.

Meelan Bendar and his brother Morap had been as close as two brothers this different could be. Meelan fit in perfectly with the Order. He upheld the Order’s values, dressed appropriately and as far as Poe could tell, had never done anything to invoke a superior’s disapproval. Poe had only met him this one time. The only reason they had been allowed to even go to Meelan’s wedding had been because Meelan had married General Kafr’s daughter. How he, a mere Captain of no significant background, had been able to get a General’s daughter agree to marry him, was still a mystery to Poe, but of course that didn’t matter now.

Swallowing hard, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, Poe read the short message Meelan had sent him.

_We need to talk._

Cryptic, but undoubtedly true. Poe pressed his lips together. Yes, they needed to talk, but Meelan too was probably being watched. They needed to be careful. This type of messaging would only encourage even more questions. But of course ignoring this message wouldn’t look too well either. They’d have to use the comm channel and for that Poe needed special permission from his superior, since Meelan was stationed on the _Finalizer_. Requesting permission to answer this one message took him ten whole minutes and the granting of a special comm session after his shift had ended would take even longer. All of this would go through a filtering system until it reached his superior, who would then either grant his request or deny it. Poe was surprised to see that only seconds after permission to answer had gone through, General Kafr himself had approved the private comm session. This was highly unusual, but of course Poe knew what this meant. Their conversation would be watched and of course everything they said would be reported directly to Kafr. Another warning and a favour at the same time.

 _We do_ , Poe wrote back, already feeling invisible eyes fixed on him with glaring eyes. _I’m going to contact you in four standard hours._


	3. Redemption

** Chapter 3 **

_Redemption_

 

The recreation area was crowded. Poe heard the talking from afar as he left the turbolift. He had only just finished his shift on the _Finalizer’s_ bridge and heading back to his quarters straight away simply wasn’t an option. He had avoided doing that for two years now, since going straight from work or the mess hall back to his own private surroundings reminded him of the routine he had shared with Morap. Thinking of him still hurt, but today it was more of a dull pain coated with anger than anything else.

            He’d find someone to talk to, spend an hour or so in the recreation area and then head back to his quarters to fall asleep instantly. He headed to the rec room he usually preferred, walking along the corridor, passing the doors to the gymnasium and the holo vid rooms. For a moment he thought about spending the time he had been allotted for recreation in the gymnasium, but then again his schedule didn’t require it of him to maintain his level of physical fitness at this particular moment and there he’d have more time on his hands to think than he’d like.

            Without stopping, Poe walked right into the room he had been aiming for all along. It was one of the rec rooms designated for Majors and Colonels and he was relieved to be here, not being forced to interact socially with members of his team. He spent so much time with them that it felt relaxing to be allowed to be away from them every once in awhile. Poe scanned the room, looking for someone he might know and indeed among the crowd of teal coloured uniforms there were a couple of familiar faces. Some of them he had met in tactical meetings, others he knew from time spent here in this room.

            Making his way to the counter, Poe scanned the room for a place to sit and engage in idle conversation with one of the others. He had been aboard the _Finalizer_ for a year now but still found it difficult to find someone here who might be more of a friend to him than just a mere acquaintance apart for Meelan. The only people who had transferred with him to the _Finalizer_ were Delaugh and Greggaleon. After General Kafr’s sudden death in an accident aboard the _Starburst’s_ bridge roughly half a year after Morap’s flight, there had been a massive restructuring among the _Starburst’s_ crew. The Star Destroyer had been taken out of action for repairs and its crew dispatched to other Destroyers, wherever they were needed. Poe and his team had been on the bridge roughly ten minutes before malfunctioning systems aboard the ship had not only locked the doors to the bridge and caused a massive fire that had resulted in the destruction of most of the _Starburst’s_ most important and most sensitive equipment, but had also killed everyone locked on the bridge that day. Poe and his team had just left the area when the blast doors had closed shut behind them. This incident had been a massive blow to the First Order and had led to widespread inquiries into the work of the engineers and everyone aboard the _Starburst_. The event had been declared an accident, but Poe knew, though no one ever said it out loud, that _accident_ in this case might very well mean _sabotage_ if not _assassination_. General Kafr had been among the oldest officers in High Command, one of the few who had served in the Old Empire, and the very fact that his death had remained without consequence for anyone but the engineers who were thought to have let this accident happen, told him more than he needed to know.

            His chest tightened painfully whenever he thought back to the man who had protected him form persecution when Morap had left and who had taken the child Poe under his wing. He was lucky that Kafr had seen something in him. Something that could be worth a lot to the First Order. And Poe had done well. First during his time at the Academy, then later on his missions in the field, surveying the New Republic’s troops fight against possible threats on the ground or its ships capturing smugglers. There had been a lot to learn for him. He knew how the Republic operated nowadays and how the First Order had to react in order to be able to not only fight back, but to strike most effectively. He had even taken the opportunity to take a close look at one of the shipyards of the New Republic. In an unmarked freighter he and Morap had managed to sneak into one of those massive compounds on Chandrila and study its layout for future reference. One day the Order would be powerful enough to strike against the New Republic and Poe would be there to witness it. To watch the rise of the First Order. To see it take over the New Republic and assume its place as the one organization powerful enough to crush the chaos ruling the galaxy.

            At the very thought Poe felt his insides churn. Morap would be there on the other side. Poe was fairly sure that Morap had indeed joined the Republic or the Resistance. Where else would he go? What else would he do? But still… the very fact that so far no strikes against the Order had occurred that might lead to the assumption that one of their own had betrayed vital intel to the Resistance, made him uneasy.

            Though in the aftermath of Kafr’s death, Poe’s case appeared to have become less important, which was again another point making him believe that the accident had been an assassination and not a mere accident. Poe still felt like he was being watched, but so far nothing else had happened. Nothing to make anyone assume he was still in league with Morap.

            The mug of steaming hot tea finally in his hand, Poe headed off to a table by the viewscreen, keeping an eye out for someone to talk to and finding no one. Taking out his datapad, Poe sat down on one of the comfortable chairs and started reviewing the day’s work. He could at least start working on the report if there was no one here he wanted to speak with. Of course there wasn’t. He barely ever felt like company, but he still forced himself to come here almost every day, occasionally even making conversation. He knew that being unsociable wasn’t likely to help him in advancing in the Order. The promotion Kafr had mentioned to him had passed him by after the Morap debacle and though Poe tried to be angry about that at Morap too, he couldn’t find it in him. Not even now. Getting ahead in the Order’s ranks was important. It was important to do one’s best to help the Order, but not to him personally.

            Browsing the notes he had made on the current project, with a frown on his face, Poe tried pushing the thought of the Order’s goals as far away from him as possible. This wasn’t helping. He needed to focus on his work. Not the greater good, or the past, or his social life. This work, this project, was more important than anything else.

            A couple of months ago, he and his team had been briefed on the First Order’s new project and Poe had felt an icy shudder creep up his spine the moment he had heard the name, remembering that he had heard it before. Starkiller Base. The result of years of research done by the Old Empire into dark energy translations and hyperspace, Starkiller Base was the very weapon the First Order needed to destroy the Republic and clear the path for a new government. Looking at the base’s schematics he couldn’t help but wonder how such a project could have remained secret for so long, but then again it had never been his job to ask questions. Morap had been right. This base was real and all of a sudden Poe had understood what the very presence of this base in the galaxy would mean. But unlike Morap he hadn’t wavered. He had stayed where he was and started working on strategies to defend the base at all costs. The layout of the base itself and the shielding was well enough thought out, but from that moment on it had been his task to actually plan the base’s defence in case of attack and working was good. Working kept his mind occupied. Even now it was all he could do. Work until he was too tired to keep his eyes open and go straight to sleep. That was what he needed to do. Nothing else. Thinking about the fact that Starkiller Base had to be revealed to the galaxy in order for there to be an attack on it and what that revelation might be, was not his job. The billions of lives lost if the base was put into operation were none of his concern.

            Poe sipped his tea, going through the security protocols in place on Starkiller in case of emergency, when he heard someone approach him. He didn’t look up, pretending to be absorbed in his reading. Only when he heard someone say his name, did he shut his eyes for a moment and close the file on the datapad.

            “Major Dameron, right?” A blonde man, about his age, was standing next to him, his brown eyes scanning Poe’s appearance and then looking at the chair across from him.

            Poe nodded slightly.

            “May I?” The man asked and when Poe nodded again, though reluctantly, he sat down. “I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you in your work, Major…”

            Poe shrugged. “That’s fine, I’m done anyway.” That wasn’t true, but what was he to do? He had entered the recreation area, this room even and that meant that he had signalled to everyone here that he was ready to talk. He looked at the man’s face again, recognising the same armband on the man’s left arm that he himself was wearing. “I’m sorry, I don’t know your name Major…”

            “Pallaeon. Gilad Pallaeon.”

            Poe nodded again. He recognised the name of course, though this man couldn’t be the very same Gilad Pallaeon who had fought in the battle of Endor and had died in that tragic last battle of the Old Empire against the New Republic back at Jakku.

            Pallaeon seemed to be familiar with this sort of reaction and shrugged slightly. “My father.”

            “Ah,” Poe said, wondering what in the name of all the stars the man wanted from him. The face, he now realised, was vaguely familiar. They had most likely been at the Academy together. All the officers in here had attended that school, but it was so big that of course one couldn’t be familiar with every single face, since every year roughly five thousand cadets graduated from the Academy, it was hard to keep track of everyone at the school and one tended to focus on the people in one’s class mostly. It was very likely that he had seen this Pallaeon in passing, but he had never talked to him before.

            “You have been here on the _Finalizer_ for some time now, haven’t you?” Pallaeon seemed to be getting nervous, judging from the way he put his hands on the chairs armrests, rubbing them off there as if in passing and all of a sudden Poe realised where this was heading.

            “I have,” he answered, closing the flap over the datapad’s screen and gulping down the last of his still hot tea as if in a hurry.

            “I’ve seen you around here quite often,” Pallaeon said, his voice considerably higher now, as Poe tried to hide the choked cough.

            He nodded again. “Well, it’s a nice place to be,” he said nonchalantly, trying to find the best queue for a quick exit. The last thing he wanted was being drawn into this kind of conversation.

            “Let me cut to the chase…” Pallaeon’s brown eyes showed all to plainly how much courage just being here cost him and all of a sudden Poe felt bad for showing this obviously how badly he wanted to leave. “Why don’t we-“

            Poe shook his head, before Pallaeon could say anything else. “No offense, but I’m really not in the mood.” That was a huge understatement. He hadn’t wanted to be with anyone since Morap had left. Of course he had tried. He had gone on shore leave half a year ago, determined to buy someone if he had to, had even selected a young beautiful dark haired man on the moon of Joovarus but he had been unable to go through with it. He hadn’t even been able to approach the prostitute. Instead he had just remained there at the bar, staring into nothingness and cursing himself.

            He saw the Pallaeon’s face drop and immediately felt bad for rebuffing the other man like this, but there was no way around it. The man was certainly handsome enough, despite the fact that his nose was infinitely too small for his face, but Poe didn’t want this. Any of this. He didn’t want to be drawn into anything like the situation he’d had to go through with Morap ever again. He was fed up. Wasting ten years of his life on a man who had betrayed him like this was not something he could forget easily and he’d be damned if he ever went through this again. “I’m sorry,” Poe added softly. Softer than he thought he could be. “It’s not your fault.”

            Getting up, he managed to smile weakly at the man looking as if Poe had humiliated him beyond recovery. The smile was no use. Of course it wasn’t. Pallaeon must think he was mocking him. But there was nothing for it. Nothing to be said, nothing to be done. Without another word, Poe headed for the door, not looking back at the man he had left sitting by the viewscreen. Going back to his quarters, or even his workstation might be a good idea. As long as he didn’t stay here.

            Upon reaching the door, he stopped in his tracks, seeing someone else entirely walk towards him, a stern look on his face cracking into a barely visible smile. It had taken Poe some time getting used to this face and not seeing Morap in it every time he looked at it, but it had become easier.

            “Major…”

            “Major…” Poe smiled vaguely. They had only talked about Morap this one time shortly after Morap’s flight and about three months before Meelan Bendar’s promotion to Major. When Poe had arrived on the _Finalizer_ , he and Meelan had sat together in this very room, talking for hours and in confidence Meelan had confessed to him that he only thought he had been promoted because of his connections to Kafr and because he’d be easier to be supervised in his new position. Poe hadn’t even bothered trying to say anything else. It was most likely true. Working alongside Meelan had seemed strange to Poe at first and he had thought he’d be unable to do it but as it turned out, Meelan and he could work together professionally without a glitch and in a way they had even become friends without Morap standing in the way.

            “The General wants to talk to you,” Meelan said, brown eyes fixed on Poe’s.

            Poe felt like he had missed a step walking down a flight of stairs, his stomach suddenly somewhere where it really shouldn’t be. “My commlink hasn’t announced anything like it,” he murmured, panic threatening to overwhelm him. He had never been asked to see Hux. Not once. Not alone. Not on such short notice. He was reaching for his comm, to check whether he had missed any messages, when he saw Meelan shaking his head.

            “He wanted me to tell you personally. Apparently the comm channel isn’t secure enough.”

            Eyes wide, Poe looked up at him. “Excuse me?”

            Meelan shrugged. “Just go.”

            Poe felt his heart racing in his chest, as he nodded and started walking again, quickly heading towards the turbolifts, when he heard Meelan’s voice behind him. “Meet me at my quarters after?”

            Poe waved at him without turning around. This couldn’t be good.

 

General Hux’s office was located near the command bridge and it took Poe a lot longer than he would have liked to get there. Thoughts racing through his mind, wondering whether Morap had been found or whether someone had accused him of any wrongdoing, Poe hurried to get to where Meelan had told him to go.

But of course this line of thinking was ridiculous, as he entered yet another turbolift and brushed the sweat off his forehead. Had anyone accused _him_ of treason, he wouldn’t be allowed to walk around without handcuffs and had Morap been captured, he would have been notified via commlink or not at all. The latter was more likely. If anything someone would have let Meelan know, not him. Not Poe…

Approaching the door, Poe forced himself to be calm. To appear like this summoning by Hux wasn’t unnerving at all. Like he wasn’t afraid. The door slid open before Poe had even reached it and he stopped in his tracks, as the dark clad, masked figure of Kylo Ren stepped out of Hux’s office, the General standing right behind him. The warrior was without a doubt one of Supreme Leader Snoke’s favourite commanders. Poe had encountered him several times before here on-board, though he had never had the misfortune of having to speak to him. Being in the presence of this masked menace, a warrior undoubtedly with powers no one but a Jedi could have, made Poe shudder and as Ren stopped too, facing Poe with this inscrutable mask, Poe felt icy pinpricks on his neck. A sudden blackness washed over him but it was gone as soon as it had occurred. Unable to distinguish any sign of recognition or mood swing from Ren, Poe stayed where he was, several metres away from the door, wishing to be anywhere but here.

“Very well then, General,” Ren said, his voice distorted through the apparatus embedded in the mask shielding him from the rest of the galaxy. Poe had heard others whispering about what Ren might be hiding underneath that mask, but Poe was neither interested in their horror stories nor did he want to think about Ren too much.

“Do as you wish.” He didn’t sound like he was alright with whatever he had discussed with Hux and Hux’s expression showed all too clearly that he didn’t think he needed Ren’s permission for anything. With a curt nod, Ren turned away from Hux and walked past Poe towards the lifts and Poe resisted the temptation to look after him, instead focusing his gaze on Hux.

“Sir? You asked to see me.” There was no use apologizing for being late. Had Hux wanted him to be here earlier he should have used the comm channel or any other means of contacting him.

Hux eyes revealed nothing about the business he wanted to attend to with Poe as he made an inviting gesture, ordering Poe to enter his office. “I did. Come in, Major.”

Upon entering the room, Poe looked around briefly, realising that though Hux was very different in personality from Kafr, the office didn’t look very different. The only difference Poe could make out was that there were no items displayed anywhere that looked even remotely like they belonged to Hux privately.

“Sit.” The order came in a tone much calmer than Poe would have anticipated. He and Hux had never been even remotely friendly. Far from it. There had always been the taste of bitterness in their few interactions since their graduation from the Academy. A bitterness, which had reached its peak two years previously. But ever since Poe had been transferred to the _Finalizer,_ they had been working together on a more regular basis and they had learned to live with the close proximity in which they both had to work with each other.

Poe sat down on the chair in front of the General’s dark, durosteel clad desk and watched as Hux sat down in his own chair. “Your theoretical work on the Starkiller’s defence is almost done?”

Nodding, Poe sat up straight. “Yes, Sir.”

Hux pursed his lips and leaned back in his own chair. “Very well. I was asked to tell you that you will be transferred there next to implement those plans and oversee the troops.”

Poe’s insides squirmed. He’d be transferred. Transferred away from duty on Star Destroyers to serve on the most powerful base the First Order possessed and all of a sudden he realised that personally he wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea. Before he could speak up however, trying to express the gratitude expected of him, Hux started speaking again.

“For that you will receive a promotion,” Hux said, eyes fixed on Poe’s, who had almost expected to hear this after the first announcement, but not believed Hux would actually say it. “It is a requirement to give you the authority you are going to need for that task. But before…” he leaned forward again, “you have some other business to attend to.”

Raising his eyebrows, Poe felt like the universe was collapsing around him. Something else to do. “Whatever the Order needs me to do,” he said.

Hux pursed his lips. “You have been assigned missions to observe the Republic’s doings before, haven’t you?”

“Yes, General. But I haven’t been on any such missions in the last couple of years.” Not since his promotion to Captain in fact, but Hux must know that of course.

“I am aware… this mission I am assigning to you is a bit different from those you have been on previously. I cannot trust it to anyone in the lower ranks, it is simply too important and you are the only one on my ship qualified for the job.”

Poe swallowed hard and he could already feel the tension rising inside of him. He was surprised at himself for being this excited about a possible mission out in the field. Was this him? Actually him? Did he enjoy those missions this much? Had he forgotten what it had felt like to be out there actually doing something? How? The job he had was different. More important… or was it? Poe couldn’t tell. He fought away the smile threatening to spread over his face. “What kind of mission?”

Hux’s eyes darted towards the door and then back to Poe. “Supreme Leader Snoke found a trail of hints leading to a man called Lor San Tekka on Jakku. He might very well hold the piece of a map we have been looking for, for quite some time. Ren was very keen on the mission, but personally I would rather trust one of my officers with this task. You seemed like the appropriate candidate.”

Poe couldn’t help but stare at Hux. This mission he was about to be assigned was obviously important. More important than anything he had ever been asked to do before. If the Supreme Leader had asked for this map piece himself, and Poe was chosen to retrieve it, then this could mean a change of pace for him. The look on Hux’s face showed him that the man wasn’t fond of the idea of sending Poe out either, but that if he had to choose between trusting the mission to Ren or Poe, Poe was more trustworthy. And all of a sudden Poe remembered the flash of blackness back in the corridor and what Ren had said afterwards. Had Ren done something to him? Something to find out whether he was up to the task? “May I ask where this map is supposed to lead us?” Apparently he’d be sent on a most vital mission and he might need that information eventually. The very fact that Poe had been asked here as discreetly as possible was reason enough to suspect that.

Hux’s mouth twitched. “Luke Skywalker apparently.” He sounded almost bored, but there was a twinkle in his eye telling Poe that he wanted to be the one to present Supreme Leader Snoke with the information Poe was asked to obtain.

Meanwhile Poe felt his mouth go dry and his eyes grow wide. Luke Skywalker. The hero of the Rebellion. The very pilot who had blown the first Death Star to bits. The Jedi who had killed the Emperor and Darth Vader. He had gone missing several years ago, he knew, and nothing had been heard of him ever since. Finding him would mean a horrible blow to the New Republic.

“I see you understand the urgency of this mission.” Hux said and not waiting for another response from Poe, got to his feet. Poe rose simultaneously, as the General reached for a datacard and walked around the table with it. “You will be assigned a unit of four Stormtroopers to complete this mission.”

So he wouldn’t go incognito. The Order was making its claim on the map piece known. Its claim on Skywalker’s life. The war was beginning openly. Poe’s mind raced as he took the datacard from Hux.

“I must impress upon you that this mission is top secret. No one but you, Ren and me know about where you are headed. Only your arrival on Jakku is going to announce our claim on that map piece and Skywalker. On this datacard you are going to find all the information we have obtained about San Tekka and his possible whereabouts. It is very likely the Resistance is looking for him as well.”

Poe nodded again, feeling a slight tingle in his fingertips. “Yes, General.”

Hux looked him up and down. “Your work here has been excellent”, he said, the expression on his face showing all to plainly that he didn’t like the fact that he had been proven wrong about him. “I expect you to succeed on this mission, Major. Your unit of Stormtroopers will be waiting for you in the main hangar tomorrow morning after your team meeting. Get some rest and good luck.”

 

Meelan’s quarters were close to his own and after taking the datacard to his own private room, Poe made his way there straight away. Meelan was already waiting for him, a glass of whiskey at the ready. Drinking was strictly prohibited aboard any _First Order_ ship, but of course there were ways of getting alcohol on board. Meelan always played by the rules, but somehow this particular one hadn’t bothered him at all and tonight Poe was grateful for it. He needed a drink. Desperately.

            “What did he want?” Meelan asked, concern on his face, as he sat down on the bed and Poe settled down on the chair by the small desk.

            “I’m being sent to Starkiller,” he said. He and Meelan had worked together on Poe’s project. Meelan being in charge of communications aboard the _Finalizer,_ was more familiar with the new base’s layouts and comm channels than anyone else. “To supervise the implementation of the defence plans.”

            Meelan raised his eyebrows. “You’re done?”

            Poe shrugged. He wished he could tell Meelan more. About this mission, about how excited he was… about the slight tingle of fear at the back of his mind that everything would go wrong before he knew it. He gulped down the content of his glass in one swallow and shivered as the liquid burned its way up his throat again. “Do you have more?”

            Without hesitating, Meelan brought up the bottle of amber liquid from underneath his bed and placed it on the table. “Help yourself.”

            “I will…”

            “You don’t seem happy… I guess there’s a promotion in it for you.”

            “Yes…” Poe said and didn’t even sound remotely happy. He heard it himself and shook his head, as he refilled his glass. “Much to do.”

            “Are you going to miss me?” Meelan smirked and Poe felt a twinge in his chest, as he saw Morap again in that face.

            “Not at all,” he murmured, taking another sip and managing a smile. They had done this a few times. Drinking in Meelan’s quarters. Not often, but it had happened and Poe had always felt exhilarated about breaking this one rule, the only rule he had ever really broken. But tonight that feeling didn’t set in. He was dreading the next day for some reason but also looking forward to it in a way he couldn’t explain. “Just your excellent bartending skills.”

            “Ha!” Meelan shrugged and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. Being here felt familiar. “Congratulations, Major… or is it Colonel already?”

            Poe shook his head with a slight smile. “Thanks, Major… I guess I should tell you off for drinking now that I outrank you again. But then again… I don’t yet.” He took another swallow and now the whiskey wasn’t burning anymore, just filling his insides up with a comfortable warmth, lulling him in. He wasn’t used to drinking and he could already feel the effects of the alcohol. He filled up his glass again.

            Meelan smirked again. “You may… but maybe tomorrow.”

            “Leaving tomorrow.”

            “You… what?” Meelan’s genuine surprise took him off guard.

            “Yep… Tomorrow. And you, my friend, never told me about your leave? Where did you go again?”

            Meelan shook his head. He had been gone for two weeks and only returned a week ago. Those two weeks were time every married officer was allotted once half a year to spend with his family. Poe had only met Nataleeh Bendar this one time and so far he hadn’t felt the urge to see her again, afraid that she might want to talk to him about the wedding he had attended with Morap. So far it had worked.

            “Nowhere special,” Meelan said. “Just some time away from it all…”

            Poe could see a flush creep up Meelan’s face and he downed the next drink. “Good times, I gather from the look on your face?” Alcohol tended to loosen his tongue. He needed to be careful, he realised, but he still poured himself another glass. Anything could happen on that mission. Anything…

            Meelan shrugged. “Apparently.” His ears were going red, and Poe put the glass back on the desk. “I received a message from Nataleeh today… she’s pregnant.”

            Poe gasped, his eyes burning all of a sudden as a smile spread over his face. “Congratulations!”, he blurted out. “A father… wow! You!” He couldn’t help but laugh, as Meelan buried his face in his hands to hide his own smile. And there it was again. The image of Morap… Morap being an uncle and never knowing about it. Another generation of First Order officers being born to fight the Republic and the Resistance. A twinge of fear and regret was pulling at Poe and he brushed it off, as he put a hand on Meelan’s shoulder. “You’re a lucky man, Bendar,” he murmured. A child… another child coming into this world… that had to be a good sign. It simply had to.

            Shaking his head, Poe poured Meelan another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Flausengut!!! :-* and Starbirdrampant!!


	4. Departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A BIG thank you to my friends Flausengut and Starbirdrampant again! ;) Don't know what I'd do without your help!

** Chapter 4 **

_Departure_

 

It was as if an arsenal of thermal detonators had gone off in his head. Pulses of pain washing through his brain at every step he took, Poe made his way to the mess. As he entered the turbolift, he discreetly leaned against the wall and closed his eyes to let the wave of nausea wash over him without anyone noticing. If they thought he was tired, then that was fine by him. As long as they didn’t guess that he was hungover. He was, but of course no one was to know. He had brushed his teeth feverishly and done his best to look the way he always did. Though he was fairly sure that he had missed a spot when shaving, he knew that he looked respectable enough and was sure that a mug of caf would indeed help him to get back on his feet.

            He listened to the other officers talking quietly amongst themselves, as the doors started to slide shut and then stopped all of a sudden.

            “I’m sorry, ladies.”

            At the sound of the voice, Poe opened his eyes and looked past the other two officers directly at Meelan, whose eyes looked as bloodshot as Poe’s own must. Meelan’s weak smile evoked a grunt from Poe, as the other shoved his way past the others.

            “Major…”

            “Major…”

            Poe turned his head to look at Meelan, who leaned against the wall right next to him, looking horribly pale.

“I think I know how my wife must feel right now.”

Shaking his head, Poe looked at the officer’s head in front of him. Talking about how queasy they both felt in front of two women who might give their unlawful drinking habits away at every moment probably wasn’t a good idea. He only bumped his elbow into Meelan’s side and gave him a crooked grin. “You should report to the medbay if you don’t feel well, Bendar.”

The corners of Meelan’s mouth twitched and Poe could almost feel a fitting response forming in Meelan’s mind, when the doors finally closed and the lift took off, making bile rise in Poe’s throat and forcing him to close his eyes again.

“I meant how much she must miss me of course. I’d miss me if I were gone for so long.”

Poe snorted again. “At least you’re not suffering from overconfidence.”

“Not me, Major…” Meelan answered as the door slid open again and the soft jerk of the turbolift rattled through Poe’s body and made him want to collapse on the floor there and then. Instead he grabbed Meelan gently by the elbow and pushed him out of the doorway. Together they followed the two female officers along the corridor and exchanged quick glances.

“Never again, my friend,” Poe muttered, feeling a sense of dread creep up on him as he said those words. He quickly shook it off. Now was not the time to start doubting his mission. In fact, now was not the time to do anything but look ahead to what he had to do next: tell his team that he was being transferred and then he’d have to get the shuttle to Jakku and-

“You say that now,” Meelan interrupted his thought process. “Wait till we see each other again. We’re going to have to repeat that. The child will be here then, I guess.”

Poe managed a smile. “Very likely...”, he murmured. “Let’s just hope it won’t take that long.” He sincerely hoped, though he doubted it, that he wouldn’t stay on Starkiller Base permanently. With a bit of luck he’d be sent away on another deployment afterwards. Who could tell? He was surprised at himself for thinking that he didn’t want to lose touch with Meelan. They really had become friends, though Poe felt constantly reminded of Morap around him. Somehow that had never stopped them.

Meelan nodded. They had arrived at the mess and Poe was glad to see that the queue in front of the serving area wasn’t as long as it usually was at this time of day. Following the two officers from the turbolift, he and Meelan stood in line with the others in silence, waiting to be served, though he didn’t look forward to the grey mush served here every morning. The caf at least was something he couldn’t wait to get his hands on.

Breakfast was the same quiet affair as usual, with talk only kept to a bare minimum to increase efficiency of food intake. Poe barely managed to gulp down four spoonfuls of what was called porridge here on board and which tasted even worse than what he had gotten at the orphanage. At least the meals that weren’t breakfast were fairly good, he thought, wondering if food on Starkiller Base would be any different from that served on Star Destroyers. Probably not.

Meelan next to him didn’t eat much either, looking as pale as a sheet while sipping his caf. “When are you leaving?” he asked after they had both silently agreed to stop trying to eat any more.

“After the team meeting,” Poe answered quietly. The caf had at least helped him in clearing his head a bit. He knew that he should have tried to eat more, since the trip to Jakku was likely to take them roughly one day in the shuttle they had been assigned, and rations on trips like these were never as good as food served in a proper mess, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Nodding, Meelan got up and Poe followed suit. “I’ll walk you to the door, I have to be on the bridge to oversee the new arrivals getting acquainted with their work stations.”

New officers had arrived the day before, Poe knew, fifty new men and women who had just graduated from the Academy. He nodded briefly at the other officers who had been sitting across from him and Meelan during their quiet meal and then turned away from them to take the tray to the station designated for dirty dishes.

Meelan was quiet. That in itself was nothing unusual. The mess hall was not a place for talking, and the previous night had definitely taken its toll on the both of them, but there was something about Meelan’s demeanour, which made Poe wonder whether or not Meelan suspected anything concerning his mission after all.

“Why did he send you to give me the message?” Poe asked as they reached the corridor outside the mess.

“I don’t know.” Meelan looked back at the inside of the room they had just left and shrugged. “But what I do know is that a normal transfer could have easily been announced via the comm channel.”

Poe smiled vaguely, trying to look as if he hadn’t almost expected Meelan to suspect that something about Poe’s sudden withdrawal from the _Finalizer_ was in fact fishy. “General Hux wanted to let me know personally,” he said. “With the promotion involved and everything.”

Meelan nodded again. They couldn’t talk freely. Not here. Not ever. But they had found their own way of communication despite everything. “Well then, Dameron…” he said, his face betraying the slightest trail of a smile, as he stretched out his hand.

“I’m looking forward to meeting your child, Bendar.” Taking Meelan’s hand, he felt the firm pressure of his fingers and only let go reluctantly. It wasn’t very likely that would happen anytime soon, but saying it made his looming departure easier. As if it was a promise he was in fact capable of keeping, pushing away the dread of catastrophe.

Meelan laughed. “I’m counting on you,” he said. “Take care, Major.”

“You too, Major.”

With another small, barely visible smile, Meelan turned around, heading off in the direction of the lifts which would take him to the bridge.

 

Captain Phasma was waiting for him in the hangar. He could see her standing in front of the shuttle, four Stormtroopers standing at attention right next to her tall frame clad in chromium coated armour. Poe hesitated only for the blink of an eye before setting foot into the main hangar. True, she merely held the rank of Captain, but she had been given much more authority than was due to a mere Captain. She was the one who had selected the Stormtroopers aboard the _Finalizer_ personally according to their training records and was involved in the Stormtrooper training programme. If she was here to send him on his mission, then those Troopers had to be top range.

            “Captain Phasma,” Poe said, when he had reached her. He had worked with her before of course, talking her through tactical schematics he and his team had come up with for the _Finalizer_ and Starkiller and he had found working with her very effective. She was a perfect strategist herself and together they had managed to find a more efficient defence system for ground troops, at least in theory. He was sure that he’d be working with her again, once he came around to implement the new system.

            “I chose these four as your escort, Sir.” Hearing her call him that was strange. He outranked her, yes, but she held more authority than him anyway, at least concerning the Stormtroopers. He himself had never commanded soldiers. Not in the field anyway.

            Poe looked over at the soldiers standing lined up in front of the ramp with their blasters at the ready. “Very well,” Poe said, taking the datacard Phasma was handing him.

            “Their signatures and files are on here.”

            Nodding, Poe placed the datacard into the assigned slot on his pad and immediately the signatures of the Troopers were shown to him. FN-2000, FN-2003, FN-2187 and FN-2199. Of course those signatures didn’t mean anything to him, but he would be sure to memorize the signatures as well as special abilities of each of them along the way. “Fine.” Poe looked up at Phasma again. “I believe I will be seeing you on the base before long.”

            “Yes, Sir.” Phasma nodded once more and Poe wondered only for a second if she’d be there before him. Poe shook the thought and turned towards the shuttle. This Star Destroyer had been his home for such a long time that leaving it felt alien. Of course every Destroyer was designed the same way but still each and every one of them felt different, like the whole crew made up one huge individual.

            The Stormtroopers didn’t say a word as he walked past them. Upon entering the shuttle he found that the bag he had packed for the mission had already been taken to the passenger compartment reserved for his use. His eyes scanned the interior of the shuttle, taking in the boxes holding provisions and ammunition they might need. As per his request a light one-person speeder bike had been provided as well. That would make things infinitely easier. The Stormtroopers had followed him inside and were standing in front of him now. All of them were of the same size, none of their faces was visible. He had never been in close proximity to Troopers for a longer stretch of time and the times he had communicated with them directly had been limited. For him they tended to be dots and signatures on a screen, maybe even a personal file, but never people he had to interact with for more than a few hours. And now they were awaiting his orders to proceed. According to the datacard and mission specifics he had been given by Hux, none of them knew where they were headed, only that he, Poe, would be their commanding officer until they arrived on Starkiller, where they were to join a squadron assigned to them.

            “I will memorize your signatures before we reach our destination,” he told them, consulting his datacard again. “FN-Two-One-Nine-Nine, you and FN-Two-triple Zero, you have undergone flight training and will be piloting the shuttle in intervals. FN-Two-One-Nine-Nine, you are going to take the first shift.” Poe looked back down at his datapad, grateful not to have to look at the expressionless masks in front of him anymore for a moment. They were familiar of course, but it still felt like talking to a wall. Addressing his officers was infinitely easier.

            Typing in his security clearance and then in a short command, he ordered the datapad to transfer the coordinates to the shuttle’s computer. “Start the shuttle, the coordinates are in the nav computer already. When we have reached hyperspace, I want you all in here for a short briefing.” For a moment he lingered, looking at each of the Stormtroopers in turn. They’d be stuck on here for a whole day and Poe felt like them being without helmets would be infinitely more comfortable for all of them, but of course that was out of the question. They were on duty and the Stormtroopers would only be allowed to remove their armour during the times they were supposed to rest. Before he could be tempted to say anything else, he turned and made his way to the passenger compartment to go over the mission files again.

            Sitting down on the narrow bunk, he leaned back against the thin wall. The door had closed shut behind him and he took off his command cap for a moment to close his eyes as the ship came to life beneath him, starting to make its way out of the hangar. Simply staring at the datapad on his knees while they left the _Finalizer_ and the time he had spent on it behind was all he could do. The hyperdrive starting up could be felt much more on the command shuttles than on Star Destroyers and as always, Poe felt his heart do a small flip he couldn’t even begin to explain to himself. Flying through space, travelling through hyperspace, had never bothered him, he even had to admit that he admired the infinite glow of stars passing by at incredible speed. When he had been on missions with Morap all those years ago, he had spent hours in the flight deck while Morap was sitting in the pilot’s seat, doing all the actual flying, enjoying the gentle humming of the engines and the silent beeps of instruments in front of him. That wouldn’t be possible now of course, and he needed to focus on his mission anyway.

            Getting up, he went through his bag once again. Everything he had put in was still there. Civilian clothes for when he needed to mingle with locals on Jakku before confronting San Tekka. If he found him that was. Before he could even attempt retrieving the map piece from San Tekka, he needed to find the village where he was hiding and that meant getting all the intel he needed from the people of Jakku. Taking another close look at the maps of Jakku, he decided on trying to get to the one spaceport big enough to maybe offer him the opportunity of going unnoticed.

His mind was still a bit fuzzy and he realised that he was not as stable on his feet as he should be. Going through the emergency medkit found in the small bathroom, he found nothing that could keep him on his feet. With a sigh, he closed the door to the bathroom again and picked up his command cap. He really shouldn’t have had that last drink, he thought. Or the last three. Putting it on, Poe realised that he should have gotten a haircut before leaving the _Finalizer_. His barely manageable hair was already making the cap sit tighter around his head than it should, but there was nothing to be done about that now. For a moment he considered leaving the cap where it was, but then again, if the Troopers had to appear in full armour, then so should he.

The door slid open silently and before he could step into the main compartment, he heard the Troopers talking amongst themselves.

            “Leave Slip alone, Zeroes,” one of them muttered. None of them had apparently realised that Poe’s door had opened. He couldn’t see them, from where he was standing, but he heard the anger in the voice of the speaker immediately.

            “What business is it of yours, Eight-Seven?” The second voice sounded almost annoyed, like this wasn’t the first time they had argued.

Poe remained where he was, standing in the doorway, listening to the Stormtroopers standing slightly to the side behind the boxes of provisions and ammunition. This wasn’t like anything he had ever experienced before. Stormtroopers were soldiers, speaking only when spoken to, functioning the way they were told to and thinking for themselves only when needed. These Stormtroopers, according to the files he had skimmed briefly in his compartment, were highly efficient, one of the best teams in training, and somehow, hearing them talking amongst themselves, even using nicknames, was kind of unnerving. But of course they talked amongst themselves. Of course they didn’t only call each other by their signatures alone. He himself always found them a mouthful on occasion, but it was what had to be done. Protocol…

“We’re a team!” the first voice said indignantly. “Don’t start picking on Slip now. We’re on a mission to who knows where and we have to stick together.”

Someone, probably the Trooper called Zeroes, snorted indignantly. “Well, Slips had better watch out or this mission might be his last.”

Clearing his throat to announce his presence, Poe stepped out of his compartment. He really didn’t want to hear any more. From the corner of his eye he saw the Trooper up in the flight deck flinch and turn his head.

“Sir?”

Poe nodded. “Join us down here for a moment, FN-Two-One-Nine-Nine.” He was surprised at the tone in his voice. He had never in all his life addressed a Stormtrooper without the intonation of giving a direct order before. But then again, he had never worked with Stormtroopers directly before. Not like this.

As FN-2199 walked down the narrow ramp to stand right next to his comrades, melting into the unit they were forming despite their obvious differences, Poe reminded himself again that he was their commander and though they were mere soldiers, they were also his responsibility. He couldn’t waste the Order’s resources. These Stormtroopers in front of him had been raised in the Order much like he himself had been, the only difference being that they had been too young to remember their families. When they had been enlisted in the First Order they had been infants, unable to process what was happening to them and why. They were among the Order’s finest assets and not easily dispensable. He needed to watch out for them not only to complete his mission successfully, but also for the Order

“As you may have noticed, this is not a standard transfer of one officer to another Destroyer or base,” he began, looking at each of the faceless men in front of him in turn. “In fact, this is not a transfer at all. We are going to Jakku, where we are to obtain a certain artefact important to Supreme Leader Snoke himself.” He paused for a moment, letting the news sink in. “We will be landing near a place called Niima Outpost, where I will have to make a few inquiries about the person we are looking for. The journey there is going to take us about one standard day, is that correct, FN-Two-One-Nine-Nine?”

The Trooper to the far right nodded briefly. “Yes, Sir.”

“Very well. You may use the time until we get there for recreation if you wish to do so. I recommend resting, since we don’t know what is going to await us on Jakku.” He hesitated for a moment. Still they were looking right at him, standing at attention and seemingly unaware of what he was saying at the same time. But of course they were listening. Of course they knew exactly what was asked of them. Still… this was a lot more intimate than he thought it would be. They were only five people, stuck on a shuttle in hyperspace for twenty four hours straight and though he was their commanding officer, he was the stranger in their midst. They were a fully formed unit and he felt like he didn’t belong there. The few times he had worked with Stormtroopers there had been hundreds of them, and at least a dozen other officers. This was different. Entirely different. He was only glad they were perfectly trained for life in the Order, or they might get the idea of overpowering him, which they’d be able to do easily. For the first time in his life he was actually intimidated by the soldiers standing in front of him… a calming thought maybe.


	5. Jakku

** Chapter 5 **

_Jakku_

The chrono on the wall told him that the time allotted for hyperspace travel was almost up. They’d be arriving on Jakku very soon and he was ready. Ready to make investigations and ready to face whatever was waiting for him. He looked at his reflection in the mirror one more time, thinking that maybe letting his hair grow out a little might work to his advantage. The curls were only barely visible and he had refrained from shaving the whole trip.

It didn’t help much. He still looked too clean in his civilian clothes; remnants of the time when he had gone on undercover missions more often. He still looked like an officer of the First Order in a well-chosen costume. The beige shirt was a loose fit but was immaculately cleaned and pressed, the pants stiff and they looked like they weren’t worn out enough for his purpose. The only thing he could hope for was for the wind on the speeder to roughen up his appearance on the short trip from the landing site to the spaceport they were going to first. Morap had always been good at actually making him look like a civilian, or at least Poe had thought so. On the missions he hadn’t gone on with Morap at his side, he had always felt a bit insecure about his looks. Maybe he was imagining things. Maybe he was too nervous. He had never been found out and he had always achieved the mission’s objective. If San Tekka actually was on Jakku, Poe would find him with the help of the information he already had and the intel he’d gather at Niima Outpost.

            Sighing, Poe turned away from the mirror. His uniform, the one thing he was truly comfortable wearing, was hanging neatly over the chair. Going to Niima without it was essential however. He was fully aware of the fact that most people were not only highly suspicious of the Order, thanks to Resistance propaganda, but also of the fact that people on backward worlds such as Jakku didn’t exactly like talking to people in uniform period.

            As he entered the main part of the cabin, he saw that two of the Stormtroopers were sleeping on the narrow bunks which had been set up for them for the duration of the flight, while the other two were up in the cockpit. Not wanting to disturb the soldiers, Poe walked up the ramp to stand behind the pilot’s chair. The blue whirlwind of hyperspace was still seemingly dragging them along, though Poe could read off the instruments that they only had roughly half a minute left before they dropped out very close to Jakku.

            “We’re close, Sir,” the one in the pilot’s chair said and Poe nodded, recognising the voice as belonging to FN-2199. It wasn’t the first time on this trip that he wished for the Stormtroopers to have some sort of outward signature so they could be told apart by someone not using battlefield equipment to distinguish them. It wasn’t as if he had spent his time with the Stormtroopers exactly, but contact between them had been established occasionally and Poe had been able to tell that certain characteristics could be applied to each and every one of them, though it was hard to link those characteristics to the numbers provided to him by the screen of his pad. All he could say was that one of them, the one called Slip, was the outsider, someone who could easily get in trouble if not taken care of by the others, while either FN-2199 or FN-2000 were overly eager to point out Slip’s shortcomings. The apparent leader, the one who had also scored highest in each and every test according to Poe’s file, was FN-2187. A great shot, and determined to keep his team safe and sound if possible.

            “So I see,” he murmured and held on tight to the co-pilot’s seat in front of him as the ship slowed down and behind him a soft alarm sounded, waking the Troopers sleeping in the back. Their shuffling and low voiced talk could be heard if not understood in the cockpit. The shuttle’s scans on the surface of the desert planet came up immediately. The only settlement distinguishable as such by the sensors was indeed Niima Outpost. Even that place was barely more than a village with a miniature spaceport settled near the place where so many ships had crashed during that last fateful battle of the last war. How fitting that the First Order was going to announce its presence to the galaxy; to declare war on the New Republic in the same place where the Empire had perished…

Hux wanted witnesses for what Poe was here to do. Not only did that mean that this mission was highly dangerous, but also that Hux was done playing games. Poe getting here would mean that the First Order was operating in the open now and casually at that. Not sending a whole company of Stormtroopers accompanied by several TIE fighters meant that the Order was sure of itself and its mission as long as the officer showing up to claim the map piece acted his part. The fact that Hux had entrusted him with this mission did indeed tell Poe more than Hux had told him.

They couldn’t stand each other, but Hux was confident that Poe would indeed not perish on this mission, rendering the Order’s first open steps in the galaxy a total disaster. “Can the sensors pick up any other villages or settlements?” he asked. Maybe his map was outdated, but he didn’t think it was. He just had to make sure.

            “No, Sir.” The one in the co-pilot’s seat had spoken up. FN-2000.

            “Just Niima Outpost then…” Poe murmured. “I want you to take us down about ten kilometres to the east of the spaceport. We don’t want to draw too much attention to us right away.”

            The approach through the cloudless atmosphere didn’t take too long, but it was obvious that the Stormtrooper piloting the shuttle didn’t have too much experience actually steering or landing a ship. Poe however didn’t speak up, not wanting to disrupt the Trooper’s concentration or diminish his confidence in his abilities. He himself would have done an even poorer job and the bumpy landing was safe enough. Poe turned around, walking down the ramp, just as the Stormtroopers down there put on their helmets. Poe didn’t even get a chance at glimpsing their faces so he had to resort to try and tell them apart by their voices again. At least he knew that these two must be the leader FN-2187 and the one called Slip.

            At the push of a button the loading ramp was lowered by one of the two and Poe went over to the speeder bike standing in the corner. “I will be back before sunset. Stay out of sight, unless something goes really wrong,” he told them.

            “Yes, Sir. Good luck.”

            Poe was standing at the top of the ramp, the speeder to his right, the sunlight harshly reflected by the mountains of sand all around them as the burning heat of Jakku drifted into the inside of the shuttle. The Trooper who had spoken up was on his other side. Poe turned his head, looking at the soldier whose facial expression would have been nice to see, even if it had been nothing but a mere impassive glance. Being around people whose faces were indiscernible was disconcerting. Like being around droids for a whole day. Except that these soldiers weren’t droids, but living human beings capable of thinking further than their circuits permitted them to. Or at least that was the idea. Stormtroopers obeyed just like droids did, but it had become clear to Poe that these men were indeed individuals and not being able to tell them apart properly was making interaction in these close quarters very hard indeed. “You’re Eight-Seven, right?” he asked, using the strange nickname which was nothing but a shortened version of the Trooper’s signature. Why had they never given him one? Was he too aloof? Too authoritative?

Somehow Poe didn’t think so, but he wouldn’t ask, either.

            The soldier seemed surprised, turning his head towards Poe abruptly. “Yes, Sir.” His voice betrayed what Poe had already suspected. Eight-Seven clearly hadn’t expected him to use the nickname.

            Poe managed a smile. “I might need that luck,” he announced. Talking like this in uniform would have been unthinkable, but the civilian clothes, this costume, somehow made it possible. “Thank you, Eight-Seven.” Using this name was easier, he realised. Much easier. Not only because it wasn’t such a mouthful.

With another nod, he put up the scarf he had brought along so that it covered the lower section of his face and put on a pair of tinted goggles. He had been on Tatooine once and he wouldn’t soon forget the excruciating ride on a hijacked speeder, riding behind Morap, and being hit in the face by sand again and again until his entire face was raw.

            He got onto the speeder, starting the engine. He didn’t look back again, as the machine beneath him came to life and he headed off in the direction of the town. The wind rushing through his hair and the sand crashing violently against the scarf. The fact that he had never flown a starship of any kind didn’t diminish the joy he got out of steering a speeder. The acceleration and the light pull of the G-forces made his heart race and he smiled beneath the scarf despite himself. It had always been like this, though he had to admit that without proper training he wouldn’t have gotten on a speeder in the first place. Morap had been the one to teach him all those years ago. Flying in simulations was one thing, being faced with the instruments directly something else entirely.

            It didn’t take him long to reach the spaceport which barely could be called even that. The few ships sitting there weren’t standing on anything that could even remotely be called landing pads, the marketplace right next to the half dozen freighters consisted of nothing but tents. But at least this place was big enough that a stranger like him wouldn’t immediately be recognised as such. The poor status of the place would give him the advantage of the doubt. At least until he started asking questions.

            Poe decelerated as he passed over the invisible line dividing the town from the rest of the desert. All he could see before him was a forest of semi stable structures of tents, which might very well be blown away at the first sign of a sand storm. Getting off his speeder and keying in the correct lockdown code to make sure it wouldn’t be stolen, Poe pulled scarf and goggles from his face, breathing in the stiflingly hot desert air once again. Looking around, Poe took in the people and creatures around him. Most of them humanoid, but only very few humans and almost all of them were shady looking. The couple of humans he could see were probably a family consisting of a man, a woman and two children, working at one of the workstations beneath a canopy of faded fabric, busily cleaning away at some metal objects. Scavengers, Poe realised, remembering the information he had gotten on his datapad. Jakku’s main industry was the recovery and selling of still usable parts found on ships which had crashed during the battle. This family was obviously trying to make a living with that.

            Shuddering, Poe turned away from them, not wanting to think about the idea of this being his life. Who could have said where his parents would had gone with him eventually? His mother had been irresponsible, dragging him along on her mindless hunt for the person responsible for killing her husband. Had Kafr not found him in time, this place, or something like it, might very well have become his permanent home! He really could call himself lucky…

Heading into the settlement, Poe felt safer just knowing that he had his blaster strapped to his leg. Visible to all intending to attack him unawares. He looked around, scanning the area for some kind of cantina, usually always a good start for a quest on information. From the corner of his eye he registered a movement, something stirring behind a curtain of dirty rags. He had the hand on his blaster and spun around on his heal, in one quick motion pulling aside the rags, only to reveal nothing but empty air and a couple of banged up canisters. Was he being too obvious? Too suspicious? Poe looked back over his shoulder. Nothing. His speeder bike was still standing in place.

Poe took another deep breath, then started making his way further into the encampment. Was he being followed? How? Had someone seen the shuttle landing? Possible. But the sensors hadn’t picked up a life form in a five-mile radius, so it was very unlikely anyone had seen him standing at the top of the ramp with Eight-Seven. For now, he’d just have to pay even closer attention to his surroundings and keep an eye out for anyone following him.

Spotting one of the few structures that seemed like permanent buildings, Poe stopped in his tracks. All the outward signs pointed to the fact that this was very likely the cantina he had been looking for, though not a lot of people seemed to frequent it. This place, Niima Outpost, didn’t look like it was inhabited by a lot of people who could even afford the occasional drink. But he still had to try. He must look like an outsider and an outsider would always walk up to the first bar to make contacts. Were he a smuggler, this would be the first place he’d go.

As he walked up to the one storey building, a young woman who couldn’t be older than twenty, walked out of it, her cream coloured utility jacket almost as clean and as obviously alien to this place as were Poe’s own clothes. Their eyes met for a second and Poe couldn’t help but nod at her in greeting. Two strangers meeting in a place foreign to both of them might do that. “Not a great place for encountering the locals?” he asked, assuming his best well-travelled explorer tone of voice.

She eyed him suspiciously, her brown irises flashing in the sunlight. So she wasn’t the trusting type. Fair enough. At least her lips started forming a smile as she put her hand on her hip. “Not really”, she answered, pushing back a strand of hair that had worked its way out of her ponytail. “Are you looking for anything in particular? Plutt has all the spare parts you might need.”

Smiling vaguely. “Thanks, my ship has had some problems with the motivator. That’s why I’m stranded here. Do you know where this Plutt person is?”

She didn’t hesitate to point at a point over Poe’s shoulder, who turned around to look at the metal container in front of which a line of people was forming already. “Shady guy?” he guessed.

“He’s definitely going to rip you off, but if you need a motivator, he’s the one you have to go see.”

“Fine…” he heaved a heavy, fake sigh. “I’ll talk to him, but I’m going to need a drink first. Or would the one and only expert on Jakku I know advice against it?”

She laughed. Heartily. She looked indeed like the type of person who liked doing just that. Not like someone as familiar with this place as she obviously was. “Not really,” she grinned. “The beer is not as cold as you’re used to probably, but drinkable.”

“Just what I wanted to hear. You want to join me?”

“No, I’m done. But thanks. See you around, flyboy.” And with that she turned to walk away. He hadn’t gotten her name, but as she walked off, he realised that a standard issue New Republic blaster was strapped to her right leg. An outdated model, but still. As far as he knew the Republic didn’t go handing those around. So she was either a pirate who had stolen the blaster or someone else entirely. Someone he had to look out for. But then again he should do so either way. She was an off-worlder just like him and it was obvious that people only came to Jakku for very specific reasons. This mission was already proving to be risky.

 

The few dozen people in the cantina hadn’t been much help. In fact, his suspicions that only people not living here could actually afford a drink other than water were people not living on Jakku. The population here barely managed to scrape by, nothing more. He didn’t dare talk to a whole lot of people either, in case his questions arose suspicions. He chose three people to approach carefully and didn’t get anything. Not a bit of information about the location of the village he was looking for. He needed its location, nothing more, but even that seemed hard to get.  At least from the people in the cantina.

            Leaving the pint of beer he had barely even touched standing on the counter, he got up again, sliding a couple of credits over to the barkeeper, a Mon Calamari who was bound to be suffering immensely in Jakku’s desert atmosphere. His skin at least looked parched, even cracked in places. As an afterthought, he added a couple of more credits. Mon Calamari weren’t exactly among his favourite species, but looking at the dried-up skin of the alien, made his insides squirm and the First Order need never know that he had given in to sentiment and provided a non-human with the means to buy some extra water.

            The sun had moved considerably, Poe realised as he stepped out of the almost empty cantina. When he had arrived here at Niima Outpost, it had been high up in the sky, almost reaching the zenith, but now it had sunk fairly low. Soon he’d have to leave to get back to the shuttle, but he still had one last chance to find out where San Tekka might be hiding. Seemingly heading off in the direction of his speeder, he kept looking around inconspicuously and stopped dead in his tracks, when he saw the young woman he had met earlier, speaking to an elderly woman sitting at one of the work stations, her cleaning work forgotten. The old woman was laughing, pulling at the other woman’s hair and patting her shoulder.

            “Thanks again!” he heard her say and Poe quickly made to hide behind a wide pole, holding up the fabric providing the poor excuse for shadow in this place.

            “Take care, Rey. It’s good to see you’ve made something of yourself.”

            The girl laughed again. “We’ll see. You watch out for yourself as well, okay?”

            “You know me.”

            “Yes, I do.” Another laugh. “Thank you again. Goodbye!”

            “Bye...”

            Retreating steps.

Poe closed his eyes. Had she realised who she was talking to back there in front of the cantina? He had of course removed all kinds of giveaways identifying him as an officer of the First Order, but still it was clear that the woman, obviously going by the name of Rey, was here on Jakku looking for something. It couldn’t be said if she was looking for the same thing as him, but he couldn’t wave off the notion that maybe she was.

            Poe peeked around the tentpole, taking a closer look at the woman this Rey girl had just talked to. Her eyes were following the girl. They at least seemed to know each other, which only raised more questions than it answered. Was the girl a local after all? He had already gotten the impression than she knew her way around the place, though she didn’t look like one of the scavengers making up the main part of Jakku’s population. On the contrary. She didn’t look malnourished or like she spent all day working hard in the wrecked Star Destroyers out there in the dunes. What the girl was looking for, or who she was, Poe didn’t know and he got the feeling that maybe he didn’t have time to find out, when he scanned the immediate vicinity for her and saw her vanish among a couple of tents to his far right.

            Making a mental note to come back here and ask the old woman for the information he needed, he pushed away from the tentpole and made to follow the woman. She wasn’t hard to miss exactly. She stood out somehow and he only had to follow her around one corner to see where she was headed. He stopped in his tracks as he spotted the ship she was aiming for and felt his heart drop. An X-Wing… not the newest model by a long shot and utterly distinguishable from all others he had ever seen by its black and orange coating, but still… Poe swallowed hard and turned around on the spot, quickly hurrying off in the opposite direction before she spotted him. The black paint, obviously a coating to protect the X-Wing from most scanners, and the fact that it was an outdated model told Poe all he really needed to know about Rey. The Resistance used older models of the starships which had fought in the war of the Rebel Alliance against the Empire back in the day. Time was of the essence now. If the Resistance had started making a move on Jakku, then it was high time the Order started doing so as well.

            Without further hesitation, Poe headed off in the direction of the woman this Rey person had talked to before. She was old. Fragile… no one seemed to pay too much attention to her and from what he knew of backwater worlds such as Jakku, no one would miss her. If no one was there to take care of a person her age, letting her work as a scavenger, then she was utterly alone and out here everyone only cared for himself. He took one deep breath to clear his head. This was it… it had to be done… no other road left for him to take. The mission’s outcome was depending on it.

            Fingering the blaster’s hilt, Poe strode over to the workstation, where the old woman was sitting, busily scraping away at a metallic cylinder. He sat down across from her without a moment’s hesitation, blaster pointed right under the table. She looked up at him, eyebrows raised.

            “And who might you be?” she asked, seemingly unafraid of the stranger sitting opposite her. She had seen the blaster, knew he was aiming for her.

            “What did you just tell that girl?” He wasn’t good at this. He already knew it, but there was no time to waste. He had to try. He had to know. No one was paying attention to them.

            “Who wants to know?” She smiled slightly, then turned her attention back to the cylinder, working away at the metal with a stiff looking brush and scraping away at it.

            “I’m asking questions a-“

            “You certainly are, sonny. But you should know that I’m an old woman and if you’re intending on shooting me, let me tell you that I don’t mind. I’ve been on this rock for sixty years and believe me, I wouldn’t mind ending it here. Easier than starving to death.”

            Poe was taken aback. Not necessarily at her declaration about not caring what happened to her, but at the name she had called him. No one had ever called him that. Ever. He blinked, staring at her, while she picked up another object and started cleaning it.

            “Things out here work a bit differently,” she continued, putting down the rag she was using on the metal and looking him directly in the eye, her blue ones piercing and cold.

            “Wha-“ Poe started and then broke off. He had interacted with people outside the Order of course. He had been in fights with some of them, but thus far negotiation had been his safest bet. He had never, not once, lost his nerve. Not until today. Not until this very moment. He had only ever killed one informant. One. The one back on Coruscant. The one who had threatened to blow Poe’s cover. That had happened years and years ago and back then Poe had acted out of self defence more than anything else. Leaving behind a body was never a good idea. His palm was slick with sweat, as he put the blaster back in its holster.

            “There you go.” She looked him over. “Give me enough credits to quit this job and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

            Poe hesitated. He wasn’t sure he had as much money on him as she was asking for. “How do I know you’re going to answer the right question? You don’t know what I’m looking for.” He should have asked that, he realised now, cursing himself quietly. That had really gone well.

            “You said you wanted to know what I told the girl? Isn’t that what you said?” Her voice was sweet now and the smile made Poe’s fingers itch towards his blaster again. He didn’t have time for games!

            “I need information on a village called Tuanul,” he answered. “I can’t find it on maps and I need to get there as quickly as possible and I know that its location is a well-kept secret.” That was why he hadn’t been able to just go up to people and ask. That was why the information hadn’t been provided on the data card Hux had given him. That was why he was in this miserable situation now.

            She smirked, all of a sudden, she didn’t look old anymore.


	6. The Traveller

** Chapter 6 **

_The Traveller_

 

He hadn’t given her all the credits he had on him, but he did give her most of them. There had been no time to negotiate, no time to think things over. The X-Wing had taken off and just hearing the sound of the engines coming to life had made his stomach tighten. He had no idea where the Rebels had gone to. Was she getting backup? Would she go to Tuanul directly? If so, what he was doing here was utterly futile.

            The speeder bike wasn’t moving nearly fast enough, though he was pushing it to the limit of its capability. Heart racing, he approached the shuttle. Time was of the essence. When he finally sped over the last dune, the speeder lifting higher off the ground than he would have liked as he shot over the ridge, Poe’s insides squirmed. The shuttle’s ramp was closed, but as he drew nearer, it was lowered, revealing one of the Troopers standing at the top of it. A sense of familiarity washed over Poe as he slowed down, letting the Speeder move up the ramp and getting off.

            “Close the ramp,” he ordered, not bothering to identify who he was talking to. Turning around he saw that the Stormtroopers had already gathered in the main room, lined up as usual. “I have the coordinates,” he announced and, leaving the speeder bike where he had shut it down, moved up the shorter ramp to the cockpit. Looking out the viewscreen he saw what he had already suspected. The sun on Jakku set quickly and it was high time they got a move on. “We don’t have much time. The Resistance might very well be on its way there.” He heard two of the Troopers follow him into the cockpit, their steps echoing loudly in the empty space.

Sitting down in the pilot’s chair, Poe pulled up the planetary map of Jakku and input the coordinates the old woman had given him. The settlement, once it came up, barely made a blip on the scanners. “Here it is…” he muttered, getting up again. “Get us there as quickly as possible.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Poe turned his head and moved to the side, so the soldier could take his seat. “Safe flight, Triple-Zero.” The man turned his head, looking at Poe as if he too hadn’t expected him to use the word almost resembling a name.

“Sir?”

Poe nodded. “Now!” There was no time to explain that he preferred saying only the shortened versions. No time to explain, no time to think about correct procedure.

The engines came to life, the shuttle shuddering beneath his feet as the repulsor lifts disconnected the ship’s belly from the sand and he took a deep breath. “I want the two of you to remain here in case we need to make a quick escape. Nines, you’ll be guarding the ship.”

Cursing Hux in his head, Poe moved down the ramp again and nodded at the other two Stormtroopers. “Slip right? And Eight-Seven?”

They must have heard Poe talking to the other two Troopers. They didn’t seem startled by his usage of the names now, or at least their surprise didn’t show. “You’re coming with me. We might run into some trouble and I need your backup for this.”

Looking up at the chrono, he realized that he still had about half an hour left, before they’d reach the village. Ample time to change into his uniform as per Hux’s request. Following orders wasn’t hard to do, especially not, when he fully understood the necessity of the order given. Hux’s goal was clear to him and he knew why it was important for the Order to achieve it without brutal force at first. They’d make their move on the Republic sooner or later. Now was not the time to waste resources, but to show presence.

Lor San Tekka had been an informant of the New Republic in the days it had been founded, retrieving information the failing Empire had deleted from its archives to make sure the Rebels didn’t get it. Later, he had retired to Jakku, to this village called Tuanul, a place sacred to the people of this rock, at least to those who believed in the Force. It had been a secret hideout to believers back when the Empire suppressed any form of religion and after the Empire fell, its location was never investigated. Believers still found their way there, but the Order asking for the location would have looked suspicious.

            Poe himself wasn’t sure what to make of the Force and he was relieved in a way that he didn’t have to worry about it. What he didn’t have to know he didn’t have to understand and the Force was something he certainly didn’t have to know anything about. Ren too, with his troubling access to the Force, was none of his business. He didn’t have to deal with the man, and even if he did, Ren was his superior in every way and Poe in no position to question him or his motives. The thought was disconcerting and calming at the same time.

            Shedding his civilian clothes and putting on the uniform again felt both alien and familiar simultaneously. It was strange how quickly he had become accustomed to wearing his costume again and how his back straightened automatically when he closed the buttons on the teal tunic of his uniform. It was like a shield he could hold in front of him but at the same time he realized that his shield might very well get him into more trouble than he was aiming for.

            He could feel the shuttle slow down. Now was not the time to think about the trouble he might have to face. The time to react would come if and when trouble arose and not a moment before then. He had been in tight spots before and so far he had managed to get out of each of them. So far things had gone well. There was no way of telling if things would go wrong this time. Yes, the Resistance was on its way, or had already been here, but they weren’t about to enter the village with armed Stormtroopers, thus evoking open hostility from the people living there. This could very well work.

            Or not.

            Upon entering the cabin, Poe saw that the Eight-Seven and Slip were waiting for him, blasters at the ready. From here, only a sliver of the cokpit’s viewport was visible, but through it, he saw that the sun had set fully and night had settled on this side of the planet. He looked one last look out the viewport, then he nodded towards the two soldiers who were going with him. Nines was already walking down towards the other two Troopers.

            “We set down as close to the centre of the village as possible, Sir,” Nines declared. “Not a lot of people here as far as we can tell.”

            Poe nodded. “That’s what I thought.” Another weak smile, then he pushed the button, lowering the ramp. It took him a moment to adjust to the dark around him, broken only by lights of fires here and there. The temperature had dropped considerably and he felt the cold night air creep up his sleeves and down the back of his uniform jacket. Fighting back a shudder, he made his way down the ramp, Eight-Seven and Slip right behind him. Already people had entered what must be the town square with the large vaporator cistern in the middle of it. The buildings surrounding it weren’t more than huts, Poe realized. These people here were poor. Poorer probably than many others here on Jakku, focusing their lives on nothing but basic needs and the worship they were carrying out here.

An alien, an Abednedo by the looks of his long, noseless face with the protruding eyes approached him, something long and apparently heavy held loosely in his left hand. Poe focused on not looking at the thing directly, but instead keeping his eyes trained on the alien. So far he had only seen pictures of the species, but had never met one of them. The humanoid’s deep voice cut through the night air like a knife and already Poe could feel the control over the situation slipping from his grasp before he had even seized it. The other people behind the Abednedo were staring at both Poe and the shuttle behind him with a hostility he had barely ever encountered. The silent threat in their presence was obvious. Their fear palpable.

“Who are you and what do you want?”

Poe raised his eyebrows, pretending not to be worried at the look on the faces in front of him. He was only glad to know the Stormtroopers had his back, though of course overpowering them wouldn’t be a hard feat for the two dozen or so people gathered in front of them now. “I am Major Poe Dameron,” he said, his voice firm and decisive as he took a step towards the Abednedo. Telling the man that he was with the First Order was of no use. He must already know and he didn’t want to aggravate him more than he already had. “As you can see I haven’t come here with a strike force. I only came here to talk to someone.” He had to fight the temptation to let his eyes wander over the faces of individuals in front of him. He had already seen that they were men, women and aliens of all genders. He had no idea what San Tekka might look like today anyway and this alien seemed to be the leader of this group.

“Who?” The Abednedo asked, gripping the staff in his hand tighter and Poe raised his hands in a calming gesture though his heart was racing now. He couldn’t risk an open fight. Not with only four Stormtroopers at his side and a goal set for him by his superior. Despite the cutting night air, even though his nostrils were burning with the cold, Poe managed a weak smile.

“I do not want to cause trouble.” Saying this he realized that they had probably really started on the wrong foot here. Arriving after dark and accompanied by soldiers on top of that. “I only want to talk.” He only hesitated for a moment, before reaching for the holster at his hip and taking the blaster out. Immediately the Abednedo took a step back, raising his own weapon in an unmistakeable way and only now did Poe see that what he had taken for a club only moments before was actually a crudely constructed blaster. Behind him, he heard the Troopers raise their own weapons.

            Shaking his head, he stretched out the hand holding the blaster, hilt pointing towards the alien. What he was doing here was infinitely stupid. His heart was throbbing in his throat, but there was nothing for it. The least thing he could do was to make sure the alien didn’t see him as a hostile. What he wouldn’t do however was to order the soldiers behind him to drop _their_ weapons.

            He and the alien locked eyes and just for a moment Poe thought the other would simply pull the trigger, blast a hole through Poe’s chest and be done with it, but then the scowl vanished. With a grunt, the alien took hold of Poe’s blaster and put it away in a pocket on the baggy tunic.

            “Who is it you want to talk to?”

            “Probably me,” The voice speaking those words sounded old. His face illuminated by the flickering flames of a nearby fire, the old man stepped out of his circle of villagers. Poe couldn’t tell the man’s age, but he immediately felt the aura of authority, inherent in something other than rank, reach out through the crowd, which parted for him to let him move forward towards Poe.

            “What could the First Order possibly want to _talk_ to me about?”

            Pursing his lips, Poe looked over his shoulder at the Stormtroopers and the shuttle, then back at the man now standing next to the alien. “Lor San Tekka?”

            The man nodded briefly. His hair was white, just like his beard and eyebrows, but despite that, the man emitted an energy, Poe wouldn’t have suspected of him. San Tekka had been born in the waning days of the Old Republic and had seen not only the Clone Wars, but also the rise and fall of the Empire and Poe couldn’t help but be impressed by what he had read of San Tekka. The man was not only well-travelled, but also well educated. It was a shame he was standing on the wrong side of this emerging conflict. The First Order could profit greatly from his cooperation.

            “I’d rather not discuss this in public.” He took another look at the people gathered behind San Tekka, at the weapons they were all holding and the determined looks on their faces.

            San Tekka nodded again. Decidedly. Curtly. “Very well,” he said, making an inviting gesture. “This way.” The invitation was nothing but a command. Poe recognized it as such at once. And in this matter, he didn’t have much of a choice.

            The Stormtroopers didn’t follow them directly. Poe didn’t look back, as he walked in front of San Tekka past the crowd in front of the evaporator, but he knew Eight-Seven and Slip would make to come after them as soon as possible. It was their job to protect him and the mission and they’d perform their duty to do so under any circumstances. And the villagers would let them pass. Why wouldn’t they? They weren’t the ones outnumbered after all…

            San Tekka walked next to him now and they only had to walk across the villages square to reach the small hut the old man was aiming for. A curtain of rattling wooden pieces was all that was separating the inside of the hut from the rest of Jakku. It couldn’t be comfortable or healthy to live here, Poe thought, as he pushed the curtain aside and entered the single room living space. The scent of herbs he couldn’t identify exploded in his nose before he had even seen the dried plants hanging in bundles from the ceiling. The furniture could barely be called even that. The narrow cot in the corner was the only thing looking even remotely like comfort.

            “Sit,” San Tekka said, unceremoniously pointing to a small stool next to the fire burning merrily in the centre of the hut.

            “Thank you,” Poe said in a low voice, declining the offer of a seat and remaining standing where he was. Through the curtain he could see the Troopers approaching, but they remained outside. “I appreciate seeing me.”

            “Not much I could do, is there? Closing my eyes would have seemed childish.”

            Poe couldn’t help but smile. “Probably.”

            And here they were. Facing each other. Staring into each other’s eyes and Poe felt like all of this was already slipping through his fingers.

            “I know why you’re here.” San Tekka said, just as Poe had expected he would. “The First Order has been looking for me for a while now.”

            “And yet you have stayed in the same spot for quite a while,” Poe answered in the same, calm tone of voice. “Why?”

            San Tekka laughed. A low, rumbling sound that made Poe’s insides clench. There was no going forward from this point. None that could guarantee a safe outcome of this mission for him or his soldiers. And it was Hux’ fault. Hux, who had underestimated the danger he was sending his people into. Hux, who was so overly confident in the Order’s aura and so utterly inexperienced in the field.

            “Can you blame me for staying in a place I consider home and hoping you won’t come to find me?”

            Poe swallowed. Nothing he could answer to that. Nothing at all. He didn’t have a home. Not really. The only home he had ever had, had run off on him two years previously. “I need you to hand over the map,” he said quietly and taking a step towards San Tekka. There was nothing he wanted to do less, but it had been asked of him and that was that. The fact that the people outside were a considerable threat had to be ignored. At least for now.

            In one swift motion, San Tekka reached for something at his belt, a knife, not longer than the length of a hand. Poe took a step back, as the old man jumped forward. His reflexes kicked in, before he knew what was happening. San Tekka’s eyes flashed in the light of the fire and Poe felt a sharp pain, as he held up his hand, catching the blade with his bare palm. The sharp pain made him gasp, but he didn’t let go. San Tekka’s breath, hot and stale, hit him straight in the face and low growl formed in his own throat, as he grabbed San Tekka’s other arm and twisted him around, disarming the man, and now holding the knife in his bleeding hand. San Tekka was out of breath, kneeling at Poe’s feet, his back towards him. “I don’t blame you for trying,” Poe muttered, shifting the knife from one hand to the other.

            “Everything alright, Sir?” Slip's voice coming from outside. They had taken position at either side of the entrance and would come in at Poe’s command. That wasn’t necessary though. Not right now.

            “Everything’s alright,” Poe gave back, still holding the knife in his hand. Why was he the one having to do this? Why him? He was no good. No good at making people talk. That was Meelan’s job. Not his. “I really don’t want to cause any more trouble than I have to,” he said to San Tekka, pushing the old man away from him and moving around him to crouch down in front of him. “I have my orders and I need that map.”

            San Tekka’s upper lip twitched, as if in a sneer. “You said your name was Dameron?”

            Poe raised his brow, trying to divert his attention from the pulsing pain in his right hand, from which huge drops of blood kept dripping onto the sandy carpet at his feet. “So?” The one question was already distracting him, and San Tekka must know it. Poe didn’t take his eyes off him for one minute, kept focusing on any sudden movement the man might make.

            “Any relation to Kes Dameron?”

            Poe’s silence must have been answer enough. Hearing his father’s name spoken by this man, right here, right now, sent his thoughts racing without one clear image sticking out of the turmoil of faded memories rushing through his brain.

            “Your father, I guess?”

            Still no answer. Poe couldn’t give him one. Instead his fist was curling tight around the knife he was holding. No. San Tekka would not bring him to do this. He needed that map, he reminded himself. And to get the map he needed San Tekka. “He’s dead.”

            “So is your mother, I guess… what happened to you?”

The leather straps wrapped around the hilt of the knife were rough against his hand. He had to force himself not to grab it too tightly. He couldn’t lash out. He simply couldn’t! But facing this man’s senseless accusations was hard. Harder than he would have thought. What did he know? How could he possibly stand up to him and blame him for something he could neither help nor wanted to change.

“Slip!” He called out to one of the soldiers waiting outside, his voice restrained by a forced calm. Still he didn’t take his eyes of those blue ones across from him. “Leave the blaster outside and come in.”

“You should know that my people will not stand for this.”

Poe nodded. “I am aware.” He was. He had known that this wouldn’t end well from the moment he had been assigned this mission, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. Slip entered the room, but Poe didn’t look up, unwilling to give San Tekka even the slightest chance of attempting another attack at him. “Search him.” His voice was flat. Emotionless. Just the way it was supposed to be.

San Tekka flinched, as the Stormtrooper followed Poe’s orders, but the curt shake of the head told Poe that Slip hadn’t found anything. “The room then. Use the scanner.”

It didn’t take Slip long this time around. In these surroundings with so little technology, finding the satchel in which San Tekka had put away the data storage device, wasn’t hard. Poe looked down at the leather pouch resting in the palm of his hand. He had dropped the knife. Slip would be able to protect him against any further attacks on San Tekka’s part. The feeling of triumph he had expected didn’t erupt inside of him.

“What now?” San Tekka’s voice was calm, but rough. “You’re never getting away from here, Dameron.”

“Let me worry about that.” This man had known his parents, was probably the only person he had ever met who could tell him about them. But he didn’t want to know, did he? What use would knowing be? Quickly he put the satchel in the pocket of his trousers and grabbed the knife again, so San Tekka wouldn’t attack him with it again. “Bind him,” he said, coming to his feet again.

Just as before, Slip didn’t hesitate to follow Poe’s order. He couldn’t be sure of course, if the data storage device Slip had retrieved actually contained the map piece they were looking for, but what choice did he have? Already the villagers must be closing in on them. Poe turned to look at the opening. Everything seemed to be calm. At least for now.

“Your mother would be ashamed of you.”

Poe’s head snapped around. The old man was still kneeling in front of him, one of his trouser legs soaked in Poe’s blood. His stomach tightened as he took a step back. “You would know,” he whispered. It was all he could say. All he could do was to look the man directly in the eye.

“We got company!”

The voice came from outside and despite San Tekka’s words still echoing through his brain, Poe was glad to be allowed to push them away, even if it meant that the time for action had come.

“Who?” he asked, picking up the knife again and cursing San Tekka for the hand injury. He couldn’t hold anything with it, let alone fight. But of course he didn’t have a chance against blasters.

“Zeroes just commed in. X-Wings according to the scanners. Thirty seconds out of range.”

Poe felt his heart drop. Without giving it another thought, he took the satchel out from his pocket and shoved it at Slip. “It’s safer with you….” He murmured. In this uniform and after his speech after leaving the shuttle, he’d be the one the villagers would shoot first. Slip might have a chance. “Go ahead. Now! Don’t worry about us. Tell them to lift off and get back to the Order.” He remained standing there. Just for a moment. Just long enough for Slip to get a head start. Outside, he heard him colliding with Eight-Seven.

“You’re not getting away with this…”, San Tekka spoke up again and Poe looked down at him, his insides burning.

“I’m sorry it had to be this way.” Poe said truthfully. San Tekka had been an obstacle. Not his enemy. Not really, even if the throbbing cut in his right hand told a different story.

San Tekka snorted. “Whatever you say, son.” The look in his eyes was full to the brim with a sadness Poe couldn’t even begin to fathom. “You better remember what your parents fought for and figure out if you really want this map in their enemy’s hands.”

Poe turned away without another word.

“Sir, you’re hurt-“ Eight-Seven sounded sincerely shocked as Poe stepped out beside him, but Poe waved him off with his good hand still clutching the knife. The villagers had dispersed somewhat, but still keeping an eye on them. Immediately he realized that coming out here had been a mistake. A horrible one at that. Especially without San Tekka and clutching a bloody knife in his hand. Already he could feel the tension rising. The next moment the whining sound of engines made him look up. There they were. He felt his insides churn as he spotted the three starfighters flying low overhead not towards them, but at their shuttle.

Before he could say anything, before he could move anywhere but one step into the direction of their only escape, the X-Wing in the lead, the black one, fired three swift bolts of red at their shuttle, which was just sitting there, unable to fire up its shields this close to the ground or aim its laser cannons. The shuttle was hit just as Slip put his boot on the ramp.

A wave of blazing heat hit him straight in the face. Momentarily blinded by the explosion, Poe stumbled backward, using his good arm to shield his eyes from the glaring light, only held upright by a strong hand on his arm. “Sir?”

Breathing heavily, Poe opened his eyes. Already he could hear the villagers approaching. Already he felt their looming eyes on them, their anger no longer concealed, as the X-Wings spun around in the air to rush back in their direction.

Heart hammering wildly in his chest, Poe shook his head. “We need to get away from here.”

The next moment they were running. Running as fast as Poe had never run in is life. Running into the dark. Running away from the speeder. Away from the burning shuttle with three of their men still on board. Dead. All of them dead. In one swift swoop. But he couldn’t think about that now. Not now.

A violent strike to the back send him sprawling to the ground. His hand scraped over the sandy surface, as he tried to catch himself, but at the same time a pain he had never experienced erupted on his back. Coughing, he tried to lift his head. Out of the sand and the dust to free his mouth, his nostrils, but he couldn’t move. Not even his hand.

“Sir!” Eight-Seven was over him, as the burning sensation was eating away at the very core of him, making him choke on his own tears.

“Get away from here!” Poe managed, as footsteps drew ever nearer. He was gone. Lost. He had failed and this was exactly what failures had to face. Defeat.

“No.” The answer came quicker than Poe would have thought possible. Like Eight-Seven didn’t even have to think about throwing the order right back into his face. “Not a chance, Sir.”

Poe groaned, as those strong arms lifted him up unceremoniously, stretching the skin on his back in the process and blinding him nearly with the pain of it. An unarticulated sound, more a wail, than anything else, escaped his lips, when Eight-Seven threw him over his shoulder, the white armour plates hard against his body, all the air pressed out of his lungs.

“There’s a speeder…”

He couldn’t even lift his head to see the villagers getting closer, but he could hear their blaster fire sizzling through the air, right at them. Right in their direction. And still he was unable to do anything but be an extra weight on Eight-Seven who should get away. Get away as quickly as possible. To save himself. To report back to Hux.

Bile rising in his throat, almost choking him, he was put down again, into a sitting position, something solid right behind him, keeping him upright. Shrapnel from a building nearby hit him straight in the face, as the speeder beneath him came to life and an arm wrapped around his middle. “Stay with me, Sir…” The voice was determined, not panicked.

Poe blinked, as another laser bolt shot straight past his right ear and the speeder came to life. He couldn’t even lift his hand to support himself, had to rely wholly on Eight-Seven’s arm around him, as they shot out into the dark only illuminated by laser bolts, which were soon lost to the night.


	7. Plunged into Darkness

** Chapter 7 **

_Plunged into Darkness_

He was blind. Blind, or unable to open his eyes. Which, he couldn’t say. All he knew was that at some point, the near constant stream of pinpricks of sand hitting his face hadn’t been enough to keep him conscious anymore and only the sudden ripping pain in his back was able to pull him back from the suffocating fog. He opened his eyes and flinched. It took him a fraction of a second filled with desperate anguish that was making his insides curl up tight, before he realized that the shadowed area with the reddish lines across them and specific items pointed out to him, were some kind of lenses. Breathing heavily, he smelled the filtered air. A helmet. A Stormtrooper’s helmet. Eight-Seven must have put it on him to protect his face.

            Strong arms lifted him off the speeder, pressing his aching back to a chest clad in armour, making him groan. “I’m taking you inside now, Sir.”

            The voice, now not filtered anymore through the speakers of the helmet but by its ear pieces, sounded entirely different. Not as low somehow, but still determined.       

            “Where are we?” He was surprised he was able to say even that when his entire body was shaking. The sun was already rising. He could see it through the view-impairing lenses. _We have to change that somehow_ , he found himself thinking, his mind travelling back to work he couldn’t attend to now. The thought tugged at his very being, making him flinch. He’d never see a tactical display or chart ever again. His hands curled into fists and he gritted his teeth. All of this had been for nothing. The entire mission had been not only a waste of time, but also of life. Swallowing down the onrush of anger was hard, and he barely even managed it.

            “Somewhere. I really don’t know, Sir. I’m sorry.” Eight-Seven was dragging him now, Poe’s feet sliding over the sand.

            “I can walk,” he protested. “I think.” He wasn’t entirely sure he could.

            Eight-Seven stopped, his arms wrapped tightly around Poe’s middle. “Sir?”

            “Let me try at least… and let me take this thing off before we do anything else.” He was already soaked in sweat and fairly sure that it wasn’t the exertion of being carried from a speeder to a place he couldn’t even see. Lifting his hands, he felt for the underside of the helmet and pushed it up, the cut in his right hand throbbing with pain. The still cool morning air hit him like an invisible force, filling his lungs and making him gasp. Blinking, he looked around. At the brown sand tinged in a warm red light. At the orange sky… Nothing else… nothing but the banged-up speeder on which they had made their escape. Without making a sound, the helmet landed on the ground. It didn’t look like they were going to need it. He could feel Eight-Seven shifting behind them and reluctantly releasing his grip on him. Poe’s legs gave way immediately. Eight-Seven caught him, before he could crumble to the ground.

            “Sorry,” Poe mumbled, turning his head slightly to look at the man holding him. All he could see however was a strong chin, before Eight-Seven hoisted him up again, making him wince as the wound struck the armour again.

            “Don’t apologize… and I’m sorry for hurting you. I just want to get you inside before the sun rises.”

            He could hear the frustration and the exhaustion in Eight-Seven’s voice, as the other’s breath brushed past his cheek and now Poe didn’t turn his head. Their faces were so close now, Eight-Seven might misunderstand his intentions. Poe closed his eyes, as Eight-Seven started moving again, doing everything in his power to hold back a scream of agony, as the other dragged him backwards. When his feet struck metal, and he felt the shadow on his face, he blinked again.

            “I’m going to put you down now,” he heard Eight-Seven say now. “Find something for you to lie on, so I can have a look at your wounds.”

            Breathing heavily and pressing his lips together to suppress another groan, he let Eight-Seven put him down. They were on the inside of some giant vehicle, he realized now. He saw the piloting chairs, saw the remnants of something else that only belonged inside of an AT-AT Walker and the obvious signs of someone having lived in here for a while. A cot, a makeshift cooker... The next moment they were face to face. Dark brown eyes staring straight into his own, making him gasp. The full lips were set in a determined grimace, as he reached out to touch Poe’s forehead. Eyes full of life and so, so very young, it made Poe’s heart drop. How old had he been when he had first encountered action in the field? He couldn’t tell, but he had been far away from it, not right in the middle and he hadn’t lost anyone. Now three of the people that had gone with them on this mission were dead. Gone. Just like that. And the mission objective with them. The data storage device was destroyed. And the people they had lost had trained with Eight-Seven, Poe remembered. Eight-Seven had been their leader.

            “I’m sorry,” Poe breathed again. “It’s my fault they’re dead.”

            Eight-Seven pressed his lips together and shook his head. “No, Sir. It really wasn’t.” He didn’t need to say anything else. The disgust in the Stormtrooper’s voice was only too obvious and though Poe knew that he had to put the soldier back in line, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He knew enough about missions gone wrong to realize that Hux had brought him into this situation. By giving him orders which simply had been bound to result in this mess. Not because Hux wanted him dead, Poe didn’t believe their enmity reached that far, but because Hux was a horrible tactician and because he didn’t want Ren in command of this operation.

            “You’re hot.” Eight-Seven said quietly, taking his cool hand away from Poe’s forehead.

            “That’s me…” Poe murmured, barely able to hold back a laugh. Their eyes met again and he saw the flicker of a smile on Eight-Seven’s face. He was already feeling it. The heat creeping up on him, Sweat trickling down his neck. But still he didn’t want to face it. Didn’t want to talk about what a fever would mean in this environment.

            “There were a couple of water bottles strapped to the speeder. I’m going to get them and see what’s in there before I do anything else.”

            Poe nodded weakly and pressed his teeth together once more, as Eight-Seven got up to get the blankets from the hammock. Spreading the blanket on the metal flooring, he reached out for Poe, grabbed him by the shoulders and gently lowered him on his stomach.

            “How is your hand?”

            “Fine…” Poe lied, still ignoring the throbbing pain now spreading to his wrist and finger tips.

            Eight-Seven left without another word. Poe could hear him walking over the sand outside and managed to lift his head off the makeshift pillow made from some sort of rough blanket. There was not much to see here, only the inside of a long abandoned homestead. It was dusty and the sand had drifted so far inside that Poe was sure no one had entered this thing in a very long time. Whoever had lived here, had obviously been counting the days, judging from the faded scratches made upon one of the walls. Poe couldn’t even begin to count them, but the view told him more about the desperation the person living here must have felt than anything else. It made him sick to the pit of his stomach. What could those faded strokes of regret tell him about his own prospects? Or Eight-Seven’s?

            Closing his eyes, Poe let his head fall back onto the pillow. His head was spinning and his throat parched. Already the air inside this pitiful homestead was warming up, making the wound on his back ache even more, the heat of it spreading slowly but surely over his skin.

            “Only a two bottles.” Eight-Seven announced, as he came back and crouched next to Poe, two metal cylinders in his hand. Poe looked up at him, shaking his head.

            “They’re both full, though.” He was already unscrewing the bottle, when Poe spoke up.

            “No,” he said, his voice firm. “I need you to leave me here. Get away from here, find a transport off this rock. You need to report back to General Hux and-“

            “Sir…” Eight-Seven let himself fall next to him. It was obvious that he didn’t feel comfortable interrupting a senior officer, the softness in his voice made that very obvious, but there was nothing to be done. “Zeroes set off the emergency beacon, when the X-Wings showed up. I heard him over the comm. The Order knows, Sir.” He was still holding the bottles in his hand, one of the lids unscrewed now, and he held out one of the bottles to Poe, who nodded briefly.

            “Your comm should be able to send out a faint signal, which will be detected by our allies and not the Resistance.”

            Poe closed his eyes. He hadn’t thought of that, but then again, he had to admit that the chances of the Order actually finding them here in this forsaken wasteland were beyond slim.

            “Still…”

            “I’m not leaving you, Sir.”

            Poe opened his eyelids again. Doing so was hard. Harder than he would have thought, and it took him a while to focus his gaze on Eight-Seven. “You should have left me in that village,” he mumbled. “To safe your own skin.”

            The low laugh wasn’t entirely what he had expected. White teeth flashing in the dim light, Eight-Seven faced him again. “What for?” Eight-Seven pressed his lips tightly together and shook his head. “I’m not leaving anyone behind if I can help it. I can’t…”

            Poe smiled weakly. “Not exactly proper procedure…” he mumbled, as Eight-Seven bent over him and lifted his head slightly to make it easier for Poe to drink. The water tasted like nothing. Nothing at all. It was warm. Way too warm, but it did the job. As Eight-Seven took away the bottle, giving Poe some room to breathe, he was already feeling that the few mouthfuls he’d had weren’t going to be enough. Not by a long shot.

            “Neither is walking straight into a hostile encampment unarmed.”

            “Point taken. But there was nothing else to be done.”

            Eight-Seven nodded, his eyes suddenly filled with a sadness so ground-shaking that Poe wanted nothing else but be able to avert his eyes. But that was out of the question. He owed it to Eight-Seven to watch over his grief at the very least. Eight-Seven had lost his comrades today. All of them. In one swift swoop and there had been nothing for them both to do but watch it happen. “Let me check your wounds.”

            Sighing, Poe nodded. “Fine. You should know though that right now nothing hurts too badly.”

            “Not necessarily a good sign, Sir.”

            “Not by the state your armour is in, no.”

            Eight-Seven looked down at himself, at the white armour stained with Poe’s blood smudged all over its front. Without asking for permission, he started taking it off. “Don’t have much use for it now anyway, do I?”

            Poe smirked. “Haven’t we already agreed that our current circumstances are far from anything covered by the book? Don’t mind me.”

            He watched on, as Eight-Seven started removing the armour from his chest and arms, each item clattering to the floor with a weak thud. He was muscular, Poe realized. Well trained. Strong. Probably a lot stronger than him with only his basic self defence training to show for. The thought made something at the back of his mind start to itch and he pushed it away quickly. He couldn’t start thinking like this. Like Eight-Seven’s stature was anything less than desirable for any person if it was only meant for one purpose. Not even after what had happened back at Tuanul could he think any less of the Order.

            As Eight-Seven bent over him, he closed his eyes again. He could feel the Stormtrooper’s fingers pushing away the fabric of his uniform, examining the wound and hissed through his teeth, when Eight-Seven pulled at a piece of cloth now embedded in his skin.

            “Sorry.”

            “How come they call you Eight-Seven?” Poe asked, trying to take his mind off the stinging pain and the head enveloping his head, threatening to drown him in darkness.

            “Excuse me?”

            “Your name…  I know it’s an abbreviation of your signature, but the others… the others had- ah!” A brief ripping sensation, as Eight-Seven tucked at a piece of his uniform made him scream in agony and he shut his eyes tightly.

            “Sorry!”

            “Keep going… can’t have that stuff stuck to me indefinitely can I?”

            A sigh. “Probably not.”

            “Well then…” A soft trickle of coolness spreading over the wound, relieving some of the pain and he sighed. “Don’t waste the bit of water we have…” he mumbled, eyelids fluttering. The sensation of heat came back almost instantly. “Doesn’t help much anyway…”

            Eight-Seven ignored him. He had picked up Poe’s hand now. “Least I can do is try to clean this one…” But there wasn’t much to be done. Just a bit of water with which to wash the wound. That was it.

            When Eight-Seven sat back down again, Poe felt like he was drifting already. Drifting through a haze of fog, threatening to overwhelm him. “The other…” he started again, his voice thick with fever. Sweat was trickling down his face and all of a sudden a shiver ran up his spine, a sudden cold spreading through his every limb. This was bad. Very bad. “The others … ” he swallowed. His tongue felt like an alien thing stuck in his mouth. Inseparable and suffocating. “Their… their nicknames were different.”

            Silence… nothing but silence… for a moment he wondered if Eight-Seven had left. Had finally left him here, to get to Niima Outpost and off this planet. But Eight-Seven’s voice was still with him.

            “It’s the only name they ever gave me,” he said quietly. “Zeroes and Nines… they were proud of their names, Slip was… well he messed up a lot…” He sounded detached. Like what he was saying didn’t quite register. The past tense must feel more terrible to him than it did to Poe even in his dazed state of mind. “Eight-Seven was always more appropriate for me, I guess. FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven.”

            “Well…” Poe said hoarsely, trying to open his eyes again, but the heat was inviting already, promising to take him out of this dismal place at least for a while. His lips felt puffy, his cheek stuck to the blanket beneath him. Back at the village that piece of shrapnel must have cut his skin there and the wound had opened again from the rough surface beneath him. He didn’t even care. “Well I ain’t using it…” His voice was tired. Heavy with fever. Slurred… But Eight-Seven deserved more. More than a horrible abbreviation of a four-digit code.

No one else he knew would have stayed.

“FN, huh?”

No one had stayed with him.

No one.

Ever.

“Finn… I’m gonna call you Finn, is that alright?”

Another wave of darkness was washing over him, suffocatingly hot and cold at the same time, as he said those words. But at the same time, there was something else. Something he couldn’t quite name, but which felt like something he had thought he’d lost somewhere along the way.

            “Finn…” The man sounded like he was mulling it over. Disbelief clearly evident in his voice, but only for a moment did Poe wonder whether he had gone too far. “Yeah…” the soldier murmured, sounding like the idea of this one single word applying to him was pleasing somehow. “Finn. I like that.”

            Poe felt his cracked lips stretch into a grin and his heart leapt. Had he done this right? Had he even had the right to do it? He wasn’t sure, but it wasn’t anything he could think about right now. With an effort of will, he opened his eyes again, to find the man sitting close to him looking at him with something of a smile on his sweaty face. “I’m Poe,” he said, throwing all sense of protocol or line of command overboard. What use were they to him now anyway? What the hell did he care? Wasn’t he going to die here? Right now? “Poe Dameron.” He made to stretch out his one good hand, but couldn’t lift it farther than eyelevel.

            “Good to meet you, Poe,” the other said quietly, taking his hand and squeezing the fingers. A warmth, which had nothing to do with the feverish heat, slowly spreading from his hand into his arm.

            “Good to meet you too, Finn.”

 

Swallowing was hard. His muscles contracted painfully, as the one mouthful of water washed down his throat, waking him up. Coughing and fighting for air, Poe squirmed on the ground, as a hand landed on his shoulders. Firm, but assuring at the same time.

            “Didn’t mean to wake you, Sir.” Eight-Seven.

            Blinking, Poe opened his eyes to look up at the man, who had forced him to swallow.

“The last time things weren’t quite as bad.”

            “Last time?” Poe croaked, as the pain came back to his mind, waking him up fully with a single jolt of stabbing pain.

            “Yes, Sir, I-“

            “Poe.”

            “What?”

            “The name is Poe, we already established that, didn’t we? No backing out now, that would be embarrassing.” Poe was surprised at the speed with which these words came out of his mouth, even if his mind was still foggy. The heat had left him, at least for the most part.

            “Yes S- Poe…” Eight-Seven- no! Finn! The name was Finn. The other man closed his eyes for a brief moment, as he sat back down again and took a tiny mouthful of water himself. Poe couldn’t tell what time of the day it was. Light was shining through the opening to the desert, but it had cooled down somewhat.

            “How long have I been out?”, Poe asked, licking his lips. They were dry. Cracked and he could feel the headache coming. Things really weren’t looking all that good, he thought, as his stomach gave a violent lurch.

            “The whole day.” Finn turned to look at him. He too looked like he hadn’t had much to drink and his voice was hoarse. “I found some water stored away back there and purifying liquid. No idea how old it is, but it was kept safe and tasted alright, so I gave you some. There was also some mild medication against fever as well. Whoever lived here had some backup.”

            Poe nodded groggily. That at least explained why he wasn’t burning up as much anymore and why he was more or less able to think straight. “No chance you found some food?” Not that he was hungry, to be fair, he didn’t feel like he could eat anything ever again, but Finn at least was bound to be starving by now.

            “I did, actually.” Finn reached behind him and lifted up a loaf of something Poe hadn’t had since the early days of the Academy. “Just some polystarch, but I guess it’s better than nothing.”

            “Lovely…” Poe murmured and looked up at Finn. “Did you have some?”

“I did. There’s still some veg-meat as well, but the stove is broken.”

Poe nodded. Not a big surprise there. “Can you help me sit up?”

            The frown on Finn’s face showed all to clearly that he didn’t think Poe’s request was a good idea. “Your back-“

            “It’ll be fine for a while. My neck hurts from looking at you from this angle.”

            Finn sighed and the next moment his hands were on Poe’s shoulders, who helped as best he could, biting on is lower lip to keep himself from making any sound of discomfort. “You know that you don’t have to look at me.”

            A hollow laugh made its way up Poe’s parched throat. “That would be a little eccentric, don’t you think?” He leaned back, glad to find some sort of pillar structure against which to lean his shoulders without letting his back touch anything. “Thank you.”

            Finn smiled vaguely. “Maybe. But still. You should sleep. Get some rest.”

            “How long has it been since the distress signal has been sent?”

            For a moment there was silence and Poe watched Finn’s face, as the other looked out the opening. The sky was turning orange again. Soon it would be dark and then? What would they do the next day, when all their water had run out? Finn at least had a chance of making it out of this sandpit. Finn must know that, but he stayed with him anyway. It defied all logic. But Finn, he knew, wasn’t stupid. Far from it. He had not only gathered that from the file he had read, but also from the way he had reacted. He was a quick thinker and even if he acted out of impulse, he still managed to get done whatever he had set his mind to.

            “I activated the signal on your comm while you were out,” Finn said. “To a frequency only First Order ships will be able to pick up.”

            “And what if they don’t come here?” Poe shook his head. The movement was painful. Like he was scrambling his brain just by turning his head slightly. “I need you to go. Go to Niima Outpost, or wherever, find some vehic-“

            “No!” That one word was enough to shut Poe up.

            He swallowed hard. His rank alone should have been sufficient to make Finn obey his each and every order. But something had shifted. Something was different. They were in a different place, no longer among their own people. Maybe it had been the name, the very fact that Finn had accepted his suggestion, or the moment when Poe had offered him his own first name, but either of them, or maybe both, had changed the way they talked to each other. The way they looked at each other. Poe wasn’t even offended at the Stormtrooper interrupting him. Not scandalized.

            “For one, the Resistance is very likely to be waiting for us there. It’s the only spaceport on this rock and… I can’t. I will not leave you here. Whatever you say, you’re delirious, so your orders don’t count anyway.”

            “I don’t want to order you about…” Poe said quietly, reaching for the canteen of water Finn put in front of him.

            They locked eyes, just for a moment, then Finn shifted slightly, so he was sitting right next to Poe with his back against the wall. “I know.”

            Poe nodded slightly and lifted the canteen to his lips, already feeling that it wasn’t even half full anymore. “Good… what’s happening here is highly irregular and I don’t want you to think I’m in charge of anything. I can’t even sit up on my own…” Leaning his head back against the metal frame, he closed his eyes, cursing himself quietly for allowing Hux to get him into this situation. But he couldn’t have defied direct orders. No one could. Not in the First Order. It was unthinkable.

            Finn bent forward and as he sat back up again, he was holding the bread-like substance in his hand. “Care for some of this?”

            Poe snorted. “Not really. I feel sick.”

            A low grunt was all he got out of Finn after this announcement.

            Closing his eyes again, he leaned his head against the pillar. “I won’t ask you to leave again. I promise. But you should consider that we might be stuck here for a while and it’s very likely I’m not going to make it.” Judging by the throbbing pain slowly creeping its way back to his consciousness that scenario felt very real. He was soaked in sweat again, and he knew that the heat inside this metal homestead had not much to do with it. He needed water. More than they had to spare and more than they had period. “If you leave now, you might actually make it somewhere with water.” Though it was true that Finn could in fact strap him to the speeder and take him along to wherever he might go next, it was also true that the Resistance might very well be looking for them in the nearest town. Two men, one of them injured, arriving in one of those villages, or even Niima Outpost, would look highly suspicious. It wasn’t likely they’d make it together. But Finn? He had a chance… but only if he left now.

            “We don’t know how long it’s going to take them to get here. A day at least. And you really shouldn’t be thinking that way.”

            Poe snorted. “I’m a tactician, I know when it’s time to retreat.”

            “Well, we have done that and now it’s time to wait.” Finn sounded annoyed and Poe turned his head to be able to look at him again.

            “You really hate leaving people behind, don’t you?”

            Another silence. Then a shrug. Yes, Finn was young, but not inexperienced. Poe had talked to Phasma about Stormtrooper training techniques and he knew that the simulations under which the young soldiers trained, were only so effective, because they felt real. Finn must have more experience in the field than Poe did. At least on some level.

            Poe bit his lip. “It’s impressive,” he mumbled. “Not at all what I would have expected…”

            “Slip would have left you there…” Finn said quietly. “He was running towards the shuttle like crazy, not because he was keen on following orders, but because he wanted to get away from the X-Wings…” Finn shook his head, then leaned his forehead against his knees. Poe almost expected his shoulders to start shaking, but that didn’t happen. Finn took a deep breath, steadying himself.

            “I can’t really blame him. This was your first real mission, wasn’t it?”

            Finn shrugged again. “More or less. The first one in which things got this dangerous anyway…”

            “Not everyone can stand that sort of pressure.” Poe’s eyes trailed the contours of Finn’s face. The other looked stricken by what had happened. Devastated by the loss of his friends and disbelief at what had happened to them. And of course not everyone was cut out for this sort of life. “He wasn’t the first one to run, when things got tough. And the fact that you stayed where you were shows that you aren’t like him.” He wasn’t sure if what he was saying was comforting, or if he wanted it to be. “Why can’t you let it go? Why did you rescue me?”

            “I can’t say why exactly. I know I should have followed your orders back there, but I couldn’t. I know what I should do. What’s expected of me but…”

            Poe nodded. “I know. Never mind, I don’t blame you. I really don’t. How could I? You saved my life! Just impressed, is all.” And he was. He truly was and he managed another smile, when Finn turned his head to look at him, utter disbelief in his eyes. “I’m not sure what I would have done, had I been in your shoes… running away from those villagers.” He smirked briefly, then bit his lip, when he saw the disbelieving twinkle in Finn’s eyes. “Thank you… even if we’re doomed to die here in this horrible place… you getting me out of there means something. To me anyway.” He laughed. Laughter, which was met by silence and a look on Finn’s face, Poe couldn’t quite make sense of. “You’re a good man, Finn.”

            “Poe, is your fever going up again?”

            “Probably,” Poe laughed despite himself. Hearing Finn use his first name felt alien. There weren’t a whole lot of people out there who called him that and he had to admit that it felt good. Better than good actually. Even in these tight quarters. “But you do know that drunk people are supposed to tell the truth more often than not… no reason that shouldn’t hold true for sick people, right?”

            Finn snorted. “I have another pill over here, you should take that.”

            “Doctor’s orders?”

            “Doctor’s orders.”

            As Finn approached him again, the white, oval shaped pill in hand, Poe met his gaze again. “I meant it…”, he mumbled, reaching up with his good hand to touch Finn’s arm. Sweat was pouring down his face again. “No one has ever done anything like that for me.”

            Finn held his gaze for another moment, then nodded. Hesitantly he reached up to touch Poe’s forehead again, his fingertips brushing gently over the tips of hair falling into Poe’s forehead. “Still burning up…”

Poe felt his cheeks grow even warmer. He couldn’t exactly remember the last time someone had been this close to him, and at this precise moment he realized with a pang, how handsome the man staring into his eyes actually was. He closed his eyes, so Finn wouldn’t see anything that might betray Poe’s racing heart.

“You okay?”

“Mostly…” Poe said quietly, taking a deep breath and smelling whatever made up the scent of this man across from him, covered by a faint trace of sweat. “Give me that pill…” He forced his eyes open again, saw the one bead of sweat trickle down Finn’s upper lip, and reached for the hand in which Finn was holding the medication. Their fingers touched and all of a sudden, he felt Finn’s fingers interlace with his own. The sun had almost set now, the light barely reaching into their small space, but he could still make out every detail of Finn’s face, as Finn’s thumb stroked lightly over the back of Poe’s hand.

“It’ll be alright,” Finn said. “I’ll do my best.”

Poe nodded and felt Finn push the pill into his hand. And then he was gone. Had settled back against the wall again. Poe swallowed the pill without further comment and took another sip of hot water. “Nothing you can do…”

The silence between them started again, Poe watching as night settled outside. It was hard to imagine that it had only been a day since he had set foot into that village. Barely twenty four standard hours between these two moments, which seemed to be divided by a chasm no one would be able to breach. Three people were dead. Their people. And now he and Finn, that Stormtrooper who had saved his life and who was so much more that a mere soldier should be, were about to die as well. The headache was mind numbing now and every fibre of his being was screaming for another mouthful of water. And then there was the man himself. Eight-Seven, who had taken on this one name without hesitation.

Poe closed his eyes again. He couldn’t hold them open anymore and he felt darkness dragging at him again. The medication was helping, at least to some extent, but his eyes still felt heavier than they had ever been .

“I heard what you and the old man talked about.”

Poe turned his head to face him with raised eyebrows, suddenly fully awake again. “You did?”

Finn nodded. “Those helmets are horrible for proper vision, but they really enhance your hearing range…”

“And…?”

“Your parents… they were with the Rebel Alliance?”

The words made a sudden fire of rage and despair leap up in Poe’s stomach. It always happened, when someone mentioned his parents. Rage and fear. Fear of something he couldn’t quite explain. “Yes,” he said after a brief moment of silence. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t remember my parents…” Finn said and Poe nodded in response. Of course Finn didn’t remember them. Infants were taken from desolate planets and trained by the First Order. That was what happened. That was how Stormtroopers were found.

“I… I’m sorry…” Poe managed. There was nothing else to be said, and even that sentence felt wrong somehow. It wasn’t his fault, and after all, Poe himself didn’t exactly miss his parents. Things had happened to him, and those things couldn’t be changed and he had his life, his rank… or at least he had had those things until last night. But at least he knew their names. He knew where he had come from. Even if that was of no importance to him now, at least he had a past that was entirely his own.

“You don’t seem to be too fond of your own mother and father,” Finn argued and Poe managed a shrug, which sent a painful wave of fire down his spine.

“Well,” he began, fighting off the pain, “My mother practically hurtled me along wherever she went, after my father died in some mission for the Rebels. When I was four, we were captured by the Order, General Kafr to be precise, and that was when she was executed. I’ve been with the Order ever since. Not much to tell on that front.”

Now it was Finn’s time to frown. “That’s an awful lot of knowledge of your life before you turned five…”

Poe blinked. “Well…” he said again, but wasn’t able to say anything else for a moment. Was it strange that he remembered so much? He couldn’t tell… the idea had never crossed his mind. “It was memorable, I expect.” But he had to admit that no images came to mind as he thought back to the time. Not his parents faces together, not his mother telling him what had happened…just that one moment. The one moment when she had been led away from him. That was all.

“Probably…” Finn said quietly, lifting his hand to touch Poe’s forehead again. “You should lie down again.” Finn’s fingers left a tingling sensation behind, when they left his skin. His heart contracted painfully, when their eyes met again. Poe bit his lip to hold back a grin

“Am I getting hot again?”

“I heard someone say that was your usual state, but right now I think it’s something different.”

“Ha!” Poe smiled widely, but didn’t protest, when Finn gently lowered him back onto his stomach. “You’re funny. I had a feeling you’d be.”

“You did?”

Poe couldn’t see his face anymore, but just lying in this position again made it hard for him to keep open his eyes anymore. His eyelids fluttered and then shut despite his best efforts. He gave a low grunt. Again, the heavy weight of sleep started spreading over him again like a blanket, but giving in simply wouldn’t do. He didn’t want to.

“Poe?”

“Yeah..” All of a sudden, he was getting drowsy again, the heat enveloping him all of a sudden like a blast of fire. He blinked, looking at Finn, not sitting far away from him.

“What if they don’t come for us?”

There was nothing to answer to that. Nothing at all. Nothing comforting anyway. Poe reached out to Finn, gently taking his hand. “You know that you’re going to have to keep going,” he mumbled.

Finn looked taken aback at this sudden touch, but didn’t pull back. Poe himself felt like a sudden wave of warmth and electricity was spreading from his fingers into his arm at the very touch. Was he going too far again? Was he overstepping his boundaries? Yes, he was likely going to die here on this rock. But Finn was also a soldier. A soldier under his command. Not a good combination. His insides twisting with guilt, he made to let go of Finn’s hand, but almost immediately, Finn’s fingers weaved through Poe’s holding his hand tight.

“Only if I don’t have to do it alone,” he heard Finn say and almost immediately his eyes fell shut again. And now Poe couldn’t even open his lips again to reply. All he knew was that someone was holding his hand. Someone, who was brave and wouldn’t leave him behind.

 

A violent red light, flashing in the dark, jerked him awake. He gasped, and it took him a moment to realize that it was the comm lying on the ground between him and a sleeping Finn. Breathing heavily, Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. The light itself was blinding, making flashes of pain rush through his brain.

            Finn groaned and his eyes looked bloodshot as their gazes met.

“Looks like they found us after all…” Poe said quietly, unable to do anything more than croak.

With a silent nod, Finn sat up, letting go of Poe’s hand in the process. At that precise moment, they could hear the familiar sound of engines approaching. Poe closed his eyes, a sense of relief washing over him mixed with something gut wrenching.

“Finn?” Poe croaked, turning his head, so he could at least see the back of Finn’s head. Slowly Finn turned to face him again, a weak smile stretching across his lips.

“Yes, I know.”

But what it was exactly that Finn knew, Poe never found out. The next moment another shuttle, looking so much like the one they had escaped in, landed in front of the AT-AT Walker and Finn stood up, moving forward to meet their people.

 

 


	8. Piece by Piece

** Chapter 8 **

_Piece by Piece_

Somehow Finn’s hand had appeared back in his own. Inexplicably Finn kept pressing his fingers during the whole flight. Poe couldn’t even tell how he knew that it was Finn sitting by his side. He just knew. And that was enough.

            As soon as the medic had seen him lying in the abandoned AT-AT Walker, he had given him a strong sedative, almost instantly plunging him back into semi darkness. But this one constant remained. Finn by his side. Or was it? Had he just imagined him being there? If so, it had been a really strong hallucination.

            Flexing the fingers of the hand which had been injured by San Tekka’s knife, Poe heaved a heavy sigh. The bandage was covering his entire palm. The white sheets under which he was lying provided much needed warmth. None of the rooms here on Starkiller was properly heated, not even the infirmary. At least, he thought, he wasn’t burning up anymore. The fever had been quick to go, once the medics had attended to him. Bacta tank, medication… everything he had needed and already he felt as fit as he had been the day he had left for the  mission which had been bound to fail.

            He looked up as a pale medic with short white hair approached him. “How are you feeling Colonel?”

            Poe snorted. He still couldn’t believe people were calling him that, even though he had lost most of his team back on Jakku. But of course that mission had nothing to do with what he had been promoted for. “I’m fine,” he said, wondering when he’d see Finn again. That hand, or that imagined memory of that hand had kept him going on that long ride back to the First Order. He knew it. And he also knew what he owed the Stormtrooper. He had no idea what had happened to him and that thought was making him more anxious than he had been in a while. “When can I get back to work?”

            The medic shook her head. “Not before tomorrow, Colonel, but we’re letting you go to get accustomed to your new quarters.” She pulled up her datapad. “You have an appointment with General Hux tonight.”

            Poe closed his eyes for a moment. “Thank you,” he said with a nod. “How long have I been here? No one has told me anything…”

            “Two days, no more.” She smiled weakly, then stepped even closer. “As you know, we’ve had to apply bacta strips to the wounds. I’d like to take them off now and check the healing progress.”

            “Fine…”

            “There might be some scarring though. We got to you fairly late. Probably too late to prevent that from happening.”

            Poe shrugged. He couldn’t care less about his appearance. “I’ll live.”

            “Yes, you will, Colonel.” She didn’t smile now, her entire demeanour changing back to sheer professionalism and with a wave of her hand, ordered him to sit up. The curtains were always closed around his bed, so no one had seen him here and he hadn’t seen anyone but medics in his entire time here.

Sitting up wasn’t as hard as it had been on Jakku, but he still felt it. Not the burning sensation he had felt back there, but something else. Something that told him that not everything was alright. Not yet anyhow. “Have you heard anything of that Stormtrooper who was with me?”, he asked, as the medic opened the back of the hospital gown.

“FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven? He was here a couple of hours ago, asking to see you.”

In her voice Poe could hear the frown on her face, but the words themselves made his heart beat faster. Finn had asked for him… so it hadn’t been his imagination playing wild. Or maybe it had been. Finn was a caring person. Of course he had wanted to check up on Poe. And of course they hadn’t let him in.

Poe closed his eyes when he felt the bacta strip being peeled away from his back to mask his disappointment in not being allowed to see Finn. There were certain things he needed to tell him sober, not feverish or drugged. Things Finn needed to know. That he was truly grateful. That he felt obligated to help Finn in any way he could, if Finn needed him to do so. That Finn was wasted as a Stormtrooper. That he was so much more.

“There is definitely some scar tissue there, but at least it’s healed mostly. You can do without another bacta strip. Let me check your hand now.” She closed the gown again and Poe turned around, showing her his hand, as he leaned back against the pillows. The ripping sensation, as she pulled off the bacta strip beneath the bandage barely registered, and he could see that the wound had closed. The thin scar, however was clearly visible. A long line stretching from the place between index finger and thumb right across the whole palm.

“Yes, that’s fine.” She nodded, then turned her attention to his face. “Probably another scar underneath, but there you go.”

Poe couldn’t help but smile. “Am I going to look rogueish?” His eyes twitched shut for a brief moment, when she ripped off this last bandage as well and then he remembered where he was and who he was talking to.

“Battle worn, no more, Colonel.” Her voice was strict now. Almost severe and Poe closed his eyes for another moment.

“Sorry,” he murmured. The joke had been out of place and he knew it. Had he felt too comfortable away from the Order? He had only woken up a couple of hours ago. Shaking the drowsiness from the drugs had taken him quite a while… no, his mind hadn’t acclimated to being back with the Order yet.

“That’s alright, you’re still a patient. At least until I sign your release form.” She whipped out a datapad from the inside of the white coat she was wearing over her light grey uniform and started typing something. “Which is now.” She handed him the datapad. “I’m going to need your thumb print for confirmation, Colonel.”

Poe nodded, his face set into a serious grimace as he put his thumb on the spot indicated by a red rectangular shape on the datapad. “There you go. Thank you.”

She nodded in turn, then pointed to the simple white cabinet to the left of his cot. “Your new uniform is in there, Colonel.” And with that, she was gone, pulling the curtains closed behind her.

Getting to his feet was easier than Poe would have thought. Especially when he remembered how weak he had been back on Jakku. Back when Finn’s help had been the only thing that could support him in sitting up or lying down. He couldn’t believe that it had already been two days since then, but at the same time it was as if he had never left the Order. As if that miserable mission had been nothing but an interlude. A nightmare he had better forget. But was that even something he wanted to do? Forget? On some level certainly, but there was something else… something that had nothing to do with the mission itself, that he felt was worth remembering… the fact that he hadn’t been abandoned.

           

The new uniform was still stiff on his frame, but it fit him just as well as the old one had. All sets of the uniform he’d possessed had been brought to his new quarters here on Starkiller Base, but this one was new. He couldn’t wear the old ones anymore anyways and Poe was sure that he’d find more new tunics once he finally got around to entering his new temporary home.

            It had been a long time since he had been stationed on a planetary base and as Poe walked along the corridors, which looked so much like the ones on each and every First Order starship or base, he couldn’t help but stop every now and then to look out the windows he passed overlooking a sheer endless sea of snow covered trees that stretched as far as the eye could see. It looked calm. Peaceful even.

A treacherous assumption. This whole base was the result of decades of hard work, transforming a living, breathing planet into a machine of war. Poe still didn’t know how he felt about the whole concept of it. The Death Star had been one thing; this base was in a league of its own. A weapon capable of destroying a planet was an intimidating thought, but a device so powerful it could destroy whole systems? Poe remembered all too well the history classes he had attended back at the Academy and what he had learned there. The Death Star had been supposed to be used for intimidation only, but the Rebels had forced the Empire’s hand. Destroying Alderaan had been the result of the planet’s royal family threatening to assassinate the Emperor and the military leadership had been forced to act quickly. Destroying the planet had been the only option left to them according to Poe’s teacher. He had believed it back then, and he was also aware that Starkiller base had fewer weak points than the old super weapon, but still… Standing here in one of the gleaming corridors, looking out of the window, staring down at living, breathing woods covered in an innocent looking layer of snow, made him shiver for some reason. The words of San Tekka flashed through his mind.

_You better remember what your parents fought for and figure out if you really want this map in their enemy’s hands._

Well… the map was lost, that was for sure. San Tekka must know and he must be more than happy about it. Probably even gloating.

What Hux would say, Poe could very well imagine.

His parents were a different thing entirely. Just thinking about them for a single moment made a burning ache spread through his chest. It pushed into his lungs, robbing him of the ability to breathe for a moment. He quickly closed his eyes, breathing in the clean, filtered air, trying to calm himself. He needed to be focused when he had to face Hux. Explain to him what had happened and why.

Taking another calming breath, Poe opened his eyes again. Now was not the time to grieve about the loss of the map. He had to work with what he had which, admittedly, wasn’t a whole lot. He had failed. Had been bound to fail, and Hux had to be made aware of that without Poe making him look like a fool. That was essential.

His mind was racing as he approached the General’s office. A Stormtrooper was standing guard in front of it. Poe nodded at him briefly, then checked his chrono. Just on time. Very well then. He sounded the door, and it slid open just a moment afterwards. A moment, during which Poe’s heart rate picked up. But then again… Hux must know that the mission had failed and Poe was still here. He was still alive, had even been promoted. Nothing to be worried about. Not really.

“Come on in.” General Hux was sitting behind his desk, his eyes focused on a holo of data projected in front of him. His brow was furrowed, as he scanned the words and numbers and Poe took a step inside.

Hux looked up briefly and nodded. “You may take the helmet off.”

Poe’s head whirled around as the door slid shut. In the same moment, he saw the Stormtrooper who had entered the office right behind him without Poe noticing. It took him the fraction of a second to realize who had accompanied him and then wasn’t at all surprised to see Finn’s face, when the soldier lifted the helmet off his head, but he couldn’t help but notice the sudden jolt of his heart, when their eyes met. A jolt, which could only mean trouble.

“Sit.”

Poe turned to look back at Hux and only tentatively did he sit down on one of the chairs in front of Hux’ desk. This room didn’t look all that different from the office Hux had occupied back on the _Finalizer_ , even if it was bigger and slightly more luxurious, but Poe couldn’t pay attention to the interior design. He couldn’t help looking at Finn every now and again, wondering how the other had been and how on earth he was supposed to deal with both the sudden panic at seeing Finn here and the nervousness about having to talk to Hux right now at this very moment.

Shutting down the hologram, Hux turned his attention to them, his mouth set in a firm line. “You are fully recovered, Colonel?” He must already know the answer, but Poe nodded anyway.

“Yes, Sir.”

Hux nodded and folded his hands oncha the table top. “You two are the only survivors from a mission that was of very great importance to Supreme Leader Snoke. Three Stormtroopers are dead. No map has been found with either of you upon your arrival here. What happened? Where is the map?” He stayed behind his desk, hands folded on the table top, knuckles white.

Poe swallowed hard and only just managed to keep his eyes on Hux, not on Finn. “It was destroyed, Sir.” Poe said, forcing his voice to be calm. He managed it. Barely. “The villagers didn’t exactly welcome us with open arms. Fi- FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven-“ Using the signature to talk about Finn felt alien on his tongue. Like it didn’t want to get out. “and FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine were with me and San Tekka, when we heard the enemy approaching.” He gave in. Turned to look at Finn. “I sent FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine ahead to get the data storage device with the map on board. The other two Stormtroopers were still aboard the shuttle, when it was hit by the X-Wings’ fire.”

Hux closed his eyes for a moment, as if compose himself. After a brief moment, he got up, clasped his hands behind his back to stare down at the two of them with a look in his eyes that showed all too clearly that it took him a lot of effort to keep his composure. “You sent a Stormtrooper to take the device to safety? While you remained behind with San Tekka? What did you discuss with the man, Dameron?”

Poe returned Hux’ gaze without blinking, completely taken aback. “Nothing, General,” he said, his voice still calmer than he would have thought possible, even if his hands had started shaking slightly. “I just thought the device would be safer with FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine than with me. The villagers outnumbered us, we had no chance of standing up to them, so I thought it best-“

“You’re saying you had no chance against a couple of _civilian pilgrims_?” Hux shot at him, his eyes narrowed.

“They weren’t exactly unarmed, Sir.” Finn had spoken up out of turn and Hux’ eyes flashed viciously as he turned his attention to him. But Finn didn’t appear to be too impressed.

“The only thing keeping them from firing at us was San Tekka’s willingness to speak to Colonel Dameron. At least until a certain point…”

Hux snorted, not bothering to comment on Finn’s inappropriate behaviour of talking without having been asked a question. Finn obviously took that as an invitation to keep speaking.

“As you know, the Colonel was wounded in action.”

Hux turned to look back at Poe, something like reluctance to accept Finn’s story showing all to clearly in his features. “You are sure the map was destroyed? That San Tekka didn’t have a copy stashed away somewhere?”

Poe pressed his lips together tightly. “I can’t be sure of that, Sir. No,” he answered. “But I know where Sli- FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine was, when the shuttle was blown to bits. He was on the ramp, the ship on the ground, the shields still inactive. There’s… there is nothing left of him or the device.” He let out a deep breath and looked back at Finn for a minute. How this rendition of events must feel to him, Poe didn’t know, but he couldn’t help but wonder at what was going on in the soldier’s mind. “I don’t think San Tekka had a backup, however,” he said, turning back to Hux. “His hut was searched and there were no traces of any devices but the one that got blown sky high by the Resistance.”

Holding Poe’s gaze for another moment, Hux sat back down again. He had gone stark white. “And FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven here got you away from the village, when the villagers turned on you?” His voice was brisk. As if he was trying to get the rest of their talk over with as quickly as possible.

“Yes, Sir. Got me out of there and to safety, until the Order managed to retrieve us.”

Hux nodded. “FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven gave the coordinates of the village to the shuttle, which came to pick you up. It was abandoned, when we got there. No one and nothing left but those pitiful huts.”

Poe’s stomach twisted painfully, a knot of anxiousness making him almost wince. “The Resistance must have taken them away,” he said quietly. “When I went to Niima Outpost to gather intel, I heard one of their pilots talking to one of the scavengers. That’s where _they_ got the coordinates of the village as well.”

A brief nod. Then, Hux turned on the holo again. “Do you have a name?”

Poe shook his head. “Not exactly, Sir.” He omitted to mention the brief talk he had had with her. Hux didn’t need to know. “Rey. A pilot. Early twenties.”

He could see Hux typing with a frown on his face and dared sneaking a look at Finn. This still didn’t feel right. Seeing Finn so close to him in a new set of armour. A thin layer of sweat was clearly visible on Finn’s temple. Poe knew exactly how he must feel. Hux wasn’t someone anyone wanted to cross.

A snort from Hux made him look up. “I knew the name sounded familiar…” Hux muttered. “She may very well be one of the best pilots in the Resistance. Rey Skywalker. Joined up several years ago and has been sent on a few missions by the Resistance. We have encountered her before…” His upper lip twitched in a sneer.

“Skywalker, Sir?” Poe couldn’t help but ask. The name wasn’t very common after all. Skywalker… Rey Skywalker?

Hux nodded briefly. “Well I think we can call ourselves lucky the girl didn’t get her hands on that map.” But he didn’t sound like this was a silver lining at all. On the contrary. The strain in his voice was clearly palpable and Poe could practically hear his teeth grinding against each other. Hux’ jaw was firmly set. “Is there anything else you need to tell me?” His eyes wandered from Poe to Finn, fixating on the Stormtrooper without blinking.

“I would like to point out that FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven was only following orders,” said Poe and immediately Hux turned to look at him again, one eyebrow raised.

“That’s what I presumed. I needed him here for a full report. The two of you, Kylo Ren and I are the only ones on this base who know about the mission and the way things went down I would prefer it to remain this way.”

Poe nodded briefly. “Yes, Sir.”

“I will not be expecting a full report on what happened. I do not want any documentation left of this incident. The story we’re sticking to is that your shuttle malfunctioned and crashed on Jakku. Nothing else. I will think about a promotion for FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven for what he did in the meantime.”

Poe’s eyes flickered to Finn, who didn’t show any sign of emotion this piece of news had upon him. He didn’t even nod and Hux clearly didn’t expect anything from him.

“You may go.”

 

Stepping out of Hux’ office was a relief to Poe. Like a weight he hadn’t expected had been lifted off his shoulders. He turned to look at Finn, wishing his face wasn’t hidden from him behind that mask again. “Can we talk?” he asked quietly and Finn’s head snapped around.

            “Sir?”

            Poe flinched internally. Hearing Finn call him that after what had happened on Jakku felt wrong, but of course that was how things had to be now that they were back with the Order. At least when there was someone around who might pick up what they were saying. “I would like to talk to you, if that’s alright. Please,” Poe said quietly, gesturing to Finn to start moving. Away from the office and the command centre nearby.

            “Yes, Sir.”

            Poe’s throat was parched. Yes, it was the way a Stormtrooper had to address a senior officer, but that didn’t mean he liked Finn calling him that. That was what Finn must have felt, when Poe had called him by his signature. His insides churned, as he thought of Finn being nothing but a serial number to Hux. A serial number that stood out, certainly, but a serial number nonetheless.

            They walked in silence, Finn at his side. Poe was sure that he had duties to attend to, but for now he didn’t care. If there was anything going for this situation, it was that as a senior officer, he had every right to ask a Stormtrooper to accompany him if needed. It must look to every onlooker as if Finn was merely following orders, nothing more.

            Poe didn’t know his way around the base yet exactly, having only studied the schematics, but he found what he was looking for quickly enough. Dodging into the corridor into another, narrower one, Poe typed his access code into the panel by the wall. The door slid open to reveal an office, infinitely smaller that Hux’ had been and even more devoid of any show of grandeur. There was nothing but a small window and a fairly big desk adorning the room. His office. It had been assigned to him along with his new position.

            Not paying any more attention to his surroundings, Poe turned to look at Finn, who had already removed his helmet and put it on a small table by the door. Their eyes met almost instantly and there it was. That tug at something deep inside of him, making him want to move forward and hug Finn. He hadn’t felt like this in years and, ears going red, he immediately realised how dangerous this might become.

            “Are you alright?”

The question came before Poe had even opened his mouth to ask it himself. “I’m fine. Thanks to you.”

            Finn’s mouth twitched up into a smile. “That’s good. I tried to see you in the infirmary. But they wouldn’t let me. No big surprise there.”

            Poe shook his head. This was difficult on so many levels. He wanted to be close to Finn, wanted to be his friend. That was all, he told himself. But even friendship was out of the question. There was no balance between their positions within the Order. Not even a bit and that was the least of the problems that might occur. “How are you?” he asked tentatively, forcing himself, to take half a step back. He didn’t want Finn to feel like he had to obey Poe’s orders. They were way past that. Finn had saved his life and if anything, Poe owed him.

            Finn nodded, his face going sombre. “I… I’m fine. Was a little worried about the meeting with the General to be honest, but now… as long as you’re okay…”

            “I am,” Poe said again, managing a weak smile. This was hard. Harder than anything he’d had to do these last couple of years. “I owe you. You know I do and I-“ he broke off. There was nothing he could promise this man. He hadn’t had any say in the mission that had brought them to this place in time and there was no way he could do anything for Finn in the long run. No chance of that happening and all of a sudden there was a knot in his chest, throbbing so hard, so painfully, that it took him a moment to compose himself.

            Finn laughed. Of all the things to happen, he laughed. Not loudly, not happily but still “You don’t owe me anything. I disobeyed orders, didn’t I and-“

            “This is not about orders!” Poe interrupted him. “You’re better than this and you know it! Don’t go around making yourself smaller than you are.”

            Closing his lips, Finn shook his head. There was still the trace of a smile on his face, transforming his mouth and his eyes into something that made Poe’s heart beat faster. And he knew what it was that was making this happen. He knew it well enough, but he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t help but think that what had brought them here was something bigger.

Bigger than the Order.

From one moment to the other, he felt like the ground beneath his feet had started trembling. Like his feet were slipping away from under him.

            “Thank you for saying that.” Finn said quietly. His eyes were huge, dark irises and even darker pupils.

            Poe shook his head, reaching out to the other without really meaning to. “No need,” he whispered in nothing more than a whisper. “Finn, I-“

            Later he couldn’t have said who had leaned in first, whose lips had been the more daring, who had been braver than the other. All he knew was that Finn’s lips on his made a soft tingling sensation spread through his body. Something he hadn’t felt in such a long time or had ever thought he’d feel again. A tingling sensation, which quickly turned into something more. Something making his entire body ache for more. His eyes fell shut and he gratefully lost himself in a kiss that seemed to tear his life apart. Breathing heavily against Finn’s lips, Poe reached up to wrap his arms around Finn’s neck. Those hands were on his hips, trailing up his back, made him shiver, forcing his mind to shut down. He was paralyzed. Paralyzed and at the same time his entire being resonated with an urgency to respond. To respond in kind. Something deep inside him was stirring at the touch of their lips; at Finn kissing him with a need Poe hadn’t expected. As the kiss became more and more demanding, Finn’s breath hot against his own skin, Poe felt a choking sound creep up his throat. His chest was aching, as he brushed his hand over Finn’s hair, feeling the curls beneath his fingertips. Finn moved in closer, his every touch undermining Poe’s ability to think.

            Pulling Finn even closer, feeling Finns arms tighten around his waist and being pressed against the cold duroplast that was Finn’s armour nearly made him lose his mind. His heart was beating violently in his throat, when Finn pulled away, gasping for air.

            Poe’s eyelids fluttered open, and the first thing he saw was Finn. So close to him, their noses almost touching, their breath joining right between their lips.

            “Poe…” Finn rasped, his voice no more than a whisper, but it was enough. Enough to make a familiar and mind numbing warmth spread through Poe’s chest. Enough to make him pull away.

            “What?” Finn still had his hands on Poe’s back, holding him firmly in his arms, but all Poe could do was drop his hands on Finn’s shoulders and shake his head.

            “We can’t.” Two syllables were all it took for Finn to let go of him as if he had been burned.

            Finn’s jaw was set, his eyes showed the anger and hurt he must be feeling at that proclamation. “We can’t? Or is it just that _you_ can’t?”

            The words stung. More painfully than Poe would have thought possible, especially, since every fibre in his body was asking for the entire opposite of what he must do. Even though he couldn’t help himself but look back down to those wonderful lips. He quickly closed his eyes and took a step back. “I can’t,” he said, pushing back the fear that was actually making him tremble. The fear of getting lost again. Of relying on someone else… “Finn, this can’t happen. The Order-“

            “You do realize that the Order would have left me there on Jakku, don’t you?”

            The question made Poe’s eyes fly open again. The rage on Finn’s face was palpable, but he saw something else there as well. Something Poe didn’t even dare think about. Something he had seen before.

The desire to disobey.

It made his stomach tighten.

            “And they would have left _you_ there as well, if there hadn’t been the chance of you having that map.”

            Poe pressed his lips together, denying himself the opportunity to respond. He shrugged, feeling deep inside him that Finn was right. Poe knew how the Order operated. How it needed to operate in order to function. They had failed in completing the mission and had therefore been expendable. The map hadn’t. But once they had been found by the Order, a waste of resources was out of the question as well. He nodded slightly. “Still…” Poe answered, slowly forcing himself to meet Finn’s gaze again. “You have no idea what you made me feel just now, but… but I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here… to feel like you have be with me in any way because of where we stand.”

            “I don’t-“

            Poe held up a hand, cutting him off. “Maybe you don’t. Not right now anyway, but one day you might and I don’t want that to happen.” It was true. But it wasn’t the whole truth. Shaking his head, he took another step back. “I’m sorry. I wish things were different.” And he did. He wished with every fibre of his being that he and Finn could get to know each other more closely. That Finn could stay with him, at least for a while. For a moment, just a minute, he had thought that he could.

            Finn held his gazes for a few heartbeats, making Poe’s knees feel like jelly. Then, before Poe had a chance to give in again, to change his mind and beg Finn to stay with him against all reason, Finn reached for the helmet again. “Fine…” he said. The door swishing shut behind him a mere second later left Poe standing there, the silence grasping for him. Swallowing him whole.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd also like to thank my friends from the Star Wars Writing Alliance who helped me with the kiss! Especially [ beautifullights](http://beautifullights1.tumblr.com/) whose input was amazing!


	9. Complications

****

** Chapter 9 **

_Complications_

 

The signatures flashing across the screen didn’t mean anything to him. Just the way it was supposed to be when sending soldiers into battle and Poe was more than grateful for it. Still he couldn’t help but keep a lookout for that one signature which would make his stomach feel like a brick and his chest tear open.

            But he wasn’t there. Not on any of the screens he was observing anyway. He knew that Finn was still on the base. Next to no troops had been sent away these last couple of weeks and Poe had kept tabs on the Stormtroopers leaving. There could be no doubt that allowing his thoughts to circle back to Finn and what he had done to him was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help it either. They hadn’t talked since the day he had been released from the infirmary.

He may have passed him in one of the corridors of course, but Poe wouldn’t have recognized him if he had. How should he? And after a couple of days he had stopped looking. Maybe it was for the best. To keep him out of his head and not think about him. He had been the one to stop it before anything irrevocable could happen after all and he was well aware that it had been the only way open to him. Being involved with a Stormtrooper might very well be an option to some officers, he had heard talk about it anyway, but Poe had to admit that that sort of thing wasn’t for him, especially since the Stormtroopers had no way of saying no. That was out of the question for Poe. He didn’t want that.

But did he want more? Possibly. It was possible that the tug at his heart every time he thought about Finn even for a brief moment had something to do with the feeling of gratitude and of owing Finn more than anything else, but still…  No, it was impossible. Finn was out of his reach and always had been. It was no use thinking about it.

Focusing back on the readout, he shrugged off the memory of that moment back in his office. Not only did their positions make it impossible for them to be together, but there was also something else entirely. Something Poe couldn’t wish away. Opening up to someone else like that might only be an invitation to fate to strike again. To tear him apart. He couldn’t allow that to happen. Finn was out of the question, because trusting someone like this again was impossible. If ten years couldn’t keep one from betraying the other, then what could?

“How long do they have left to reach their assigned battle stations?” Hux’ voice behind him, made Poe turn his head slightly. The tension up in command center was palpable. This was the first proper drill for the full base. The plans Poe and his team had been working on these last couple of years had been implemented over the course of the last two months and now it was time to see how efficiently they actually worked. The TIEs had gone up into the air two minutes before and now it was time for the Stormtroopers to man their stations.

“Sixty-five seconds, Sir,” Poe answered and turned to look back at the screen on his datapad again, while around him everyone else was busy preparing the station for battle.

Out of the corner of his eye, Poe saw Hux nod. The General had only arrived here a few minutes ago and was now scrutinizing each and every move here on the command bridge.

“The Stormtroopers are all at their stations, Sir.” A young Lieutenant, whom Poe had only gotten to know today as Lombard Qisch, spoke up and Poe nodded in confirmation. Two squadrons of TIE-fighters shot past the main window overlooking the main complex of the base and he let out a barely audible sigh.

Poe looked at Hux. The General had ordered the test run three days previously. “The station is ready for battle, Sir.”

“Did it take as long as you estimated it would?”

“Not as long, Sir.” Poe shook his head slightly. “We calculated some buffer time into the equation.”

Hux nodded again. “I will meet you for the debriefing in two hours.”

Poe didn’t reply, as Hux turned on his heel and left command again. The station was ready. Ready for battle. Poe couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. Yes, Starkiller had been ready to attack for quite a while now, but now that its defence was established properly, there was nothing to stop High Command from firing it.

Licking his lips, Poe turned to Qisch. “Have the Troopers return to their normal stations, Lieutenant. And send me the preliminary reports from all stations as soon as possible.”

“Yes, Colonel,” The young man’s blue eyes were eager, as he turned to relay Poe’s orders. He couldn’t be older than twenty-two, Poe thought. He had probably only just graduated from the Academy and had probably passed his exams with flying colours, if he had been stationed on Starkiller this early in his career.

Taking one last look at everyone assembled and working at gathering the data they had collected, Poe turned his back on them to return to his office and prepare for the debriefing. He still hadn’t gotten used to having his own office, but he had to admit that he rather liked the quiet there. Working with the other tacticians was still something he could lose himself in easily, but being away from people apart from his own private quarters, was refreshing for a change.

 

The debriefing had passed without a hlitch. Poe hadn’t expected there to be one, but he had to admit that he was glad when Hux stood up, thanked the officers involved in the operation and closed the session. The drill had been declared a success and now it would be up to Poe and his team to keep working on the base’s defence.

They had been sitting in the first few rows of one of the minor conference rooms, all facing the front, where the schematics the speaker was talking about could easily be observed. Though the room was a lot smaller than the main conference room, the thirty or so officers barely filled half the seats. When Hux had left the room, talking to one of the officers, Poe turned around, datapad in hand to find himself staring straight at Phasma. He hadn’t seen her approach, though he had of course known that she was nearby. He had listened to her report on the Stormtrooper’s movements after all.

“Captain Phasma.” Poe nodded briefly, then moved on to collect his datacards. “How can I help you?”

“You recommended FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven for a promotion?”

Poe stiffened. He shook his head slowly. “That was General Hux, not me.”

“Following your report on that crash on Jakku?”

How he wished he could see her face. Her voice didn’t betray anything. No anger. No sarcasm. Nothing. How easy it must be to hide behind that mask… “If you disagree, you should not have to take it up with me, Captain. I only filled the General in on what happened and how well FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven reacted under difficult circumstances.”

She nodded. The first reaction other than words he had gotten from her this far. “He does that,” she said. “I supervised his training.”

Where was she going with this? Poe had no idea and talking to her about Finn made him feel more than uncomfortable. Especially with what had happened between them. Did she know? “Capain?”

“I felt you should be made aware that FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven has been promoted to squad leader.” She nodded again.

Poe swallowed. “Thank you,” he said quietly, trying to hide the hoarseness in his voice. He wasn’t at all sure how Finn felt about that promotion. Their last encounter at least hadn’t exactly shown Finn’s devotion to the Order.

Without another word, Phasma walked off, undoubtedly returning back to her own workstation.

Poe closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Most officers had already left and he had the rest of the day off after today’s drill. He might just as well return to his quarters, he thought. He could go over the reports again there before bedtime. Stepping into the aisle, he heard someone calling out to him and as he turned his head slightly, he saw a familiar face walking towards him from three rows behind the one he had been sitting in.

“Major!” Poe laughed, shaking Meelan’s hand with a wide grin. “What are you doing here, I thought you’d stay on the _Finalizer_ for the foreseeable future!”

“Turns out they are in dire need of another communications officer down here,” Meelan said smiling.

“Well done,” Poe answered, letting go of Meelan.

“I didn’t get a promotion like you did, but being stationary for a while is quite nice as well. Especially on a base this important.”

“When did you get here?”

Meelan shook his head. “Only about an hour ago. Colonel Karrde thought it best I attend this meeting, before assuming my post here tomorrow.”

“You’re with Karrde?” Poe asked, as they walked towards the exit past the other officers still talking near them. “So you will be working with me again occasionally.”

“Looks like it.” Meelan grinned weakly. “Do you have rec time coming up?”

“I do,” Poe answered. “And since you have only just arrived you’re free as well?”

“I am.” Meelan nodded. “How is the food here?”

Poe couldn’t hold back a laugh at this. It felt good being around someone who could make him laugh again, he thought. “Just like everywhere else. You’ll like it.”

“Show me where I can get some?”

“With pleasure.”

            Walking along the corridors towards the officer’s mess with Meelan next to him, felt like a relief he hadn’t quite expected. Here was someone he knew. Someone he had something other in common than work. When they finally sat down, trays in front of them, Poe felt Meelan’s eyes trained upon him. There wasn’t anyone sitting close by, so he was probably expecting a rendition of the last couple of weeks.

            “How is Nataleeh?” Poe asked, before his friend could ask a question himself.

            As expected a wide smile spread over Meelan’s face as he picked up his fork. “She’s doing great, last I heard. I expect I will be able to see her in a month or two. Before the baby arrives.”

            Poe nodded slightly. “Have you been assigned a bigger living space yet?” He remembered that officers with families were treated with higher priority to encourage them to have more children. Of course Nataleeh was a General’s daughter and up to the point of General Kafr’s death she and her husband had always received a slightly better treatment than most other families, but they had only lived in a small, one bedroom apartment as far as Poe knew. But now that Nataleeh was expecting, things were bound to change.

            “A small, three bedroom house,” Meelan said. “We’ll be moving in there when I get back to her.” He took a bite of his veg meat and shook his head. “Still can’t believe this is happening.”

            Poe couldn’t help but smile at this. “What did you expect?”

            “Well…” Meelan murmured, not meeting Poe’s gaze. “We haven’t been together as much as I would have liked. We’ve spent more time apart than together and now we’re a family already.”

            Feeling his throat growing tight, Poe forced down a mouthful of food himself. Already he was eying the puree of fruit served with the meal. Something vaguely sweet to stench the bitterness spreading through every fibre of his being. “You’ll be able to spend more time with them once the baby is there, I suppose…” he said, trying to sound as if Meelan’s words didn’t matter to him. Meelan and Nataleeh had been married for quite a while now, but as far was he knew they had gotten engaged after their first meeting. Poe didn’t know the details, but it was obvious that it had been more passion than anything else that had brought them together.

Meelan’s slight scowl told Poe that his friend was worried about this relationship lasting. Of course he was. He and Nataleeh barely knew each other, even if their attraction to each other was obvious. He missed her, Poe could see that now, and Meelan was probably missed by her as well.

            Poe swallowed another bite of veg meat and shook his head. “Don’t worry,” he said despite himself, as he realized that the nagging pain at his stomach was nothing but jealousy for his friend. “You and your family are going to be fine.”

            Meelan smiled weakly, then looked up. “Thank you… and yes, after the birth I will go on a two-week leave.”

            “There you go.” Two weeks wasn’t enough, probably, but Poe couldn’t help but admire the First Order for taking care of its families, all things considered.

            “And how have you been these past two months?”

            Poe had expected this answer and shrugged. ”Fine, really.”

            “I heard your shuttle crashed.”

            Looking up from his tray, Poe wondered if Meelan knew anything about the supposed crash, but there was nothing but sincere concern on his friend’s face. “Yes, well… just a malfunction. And then we ran into some locals not friendly to the First Order.”

            Meelan’s eyes widened. “Are you alright?”

            Poe nodded briefly. Sticking to the part of the story that was true wasn’t as hard as had been telling the outright lie about the objective of the mission. “I am. But we lost three Stormtroopers that day.” He put down his fork. All of a sudden his appetite was gone. Not even the fruit looked appealing anymore. “One of the other Stormtroopers and I managed to get away before the Order arrived to get us.” Saying this was even harder than he had expected. Making it sound like Finn was just one in many. “He saved my life…” Poe added as if that could make up for anything.

            “Are you telling me you had to be saved? What happened?”

            Poe shook his head, fully aware that he was already treading on slippery ground. “Just a really bad misunderstanding with some locals.”

            “Where was that?”

            “I don’t even remember the name of the planet to be honest.”

            “Poe…”

            “Leave it.” Poe’s voice sounded harsher than he had intended and he immediately felt like had crossed some kind of invisible boundary. Shaking his head, he shrugged. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, abandoning his food now and taking a gulp of water.

            Meelan nodded, understanding showing on his face. So much for Hux’ demand of not letting anyone know about Jakku. At least Meelan didn’t continue to pressure Poe for answers. “Alright,” he said, shaking his head and eying his food, before pushing the tray away from him. “Just one last question: are you in trouble?”

            Poe hesitated before answering. He couldn’t be sure of course, though he expected that Hux couldn’t possibly like him any less than he already did. He had failed the Order, or rather Supreme Leader Snoke, which was probably his worst offence. But so far nothing even resembling punishment had crossed his path. That had to count for something. “No,” he said. “Not really.” That was as honest as he could get anyway. The resulting problem with Finn was a different matter entirely, even if that was probably the only thing about the mission he could even think of telling Meelan about. But why should he? Meelan wouldn’t care about Poe having thought, even for a brief moment, about diving head over heels into an affair with a Stormtrooper. In Meelan’s eyes it wouldn’t mean more than what other officers occasionally did to soldiers under their command.

            “But you’d let me know if you were? You know I could find… details that could help you?”

            Grinning was the only adequate answer Poe could come up with at first. As communications officer and interrogator Meelan was probably more familiar with the Order’s data storage systems than anyone else. He also knew how to pull up information on people if needed. “Thank you,” Poe said.

            Meelan nodded grimly.

 

Meelan’s quarters, as it turned out, weren’t too far away from Poe’s. Merely one level below his own, which was closer than they had been back on the _Finalizer_ , which made the fact that he’d had two glasses of whiskey to celebrate their reunion fairly easy to hide. He didn’t have far to go and he didn’t meet anyone on his way there, which was quite a relief. This time he and Meelan had been more moderate than the last time they had been together and it only took Poe pulling up the memory of the terrible hangover he’d had the last time, to remind himself that an uncomfortable and constant ache in his chest wasn’t worth paying the price of nausea and a head ready to burst the next morning.

            As he rounded the last corner on his way to his room, he saw the figure clad in white already waiting for him. He stood still for a moment, realizing fully well who the Stormtrooper must be. This part of the base was never patrolled by Troopers and the very fact that one, and only one, was standing in front of his door, told him that it had to be Finn and not some sort of patrol that would take him straight to the detention block. Stepping closer, Poe focused his eyes on the helmet, hoping that Finn was returning his gaze.

            “I-“, he began, unable to say anything. He looked over his shoulder. They were alone. No one could see them. Only the surveillance cameras trained on the corridor. The rooms were unsupervised for privacy reasons, but the corridors weren’t.

            “Poe…” Finn began, his voice distorted by the speakers, making Poe’s heart contract painfully.

            Shaking his head, Poe took another step towards the keypad next to his door. “I don’t know what to do…. Or to say for that matter.” The very fact that a Stormtrooper was standing in front of his door must look suspicious for the surveillance people. Conspiratorial maybe. One thing was for sure. Finn was exposing himself by waiting here for him and he must know that. “You should have stayed away.”

            “I came here to talk to you,” Finn whispered quickly. “Not... not for… _that_.”

            Poe nodded. “I get that,” he answered with a pang of disappointment and relief. “Tell that to the people watching us right now. This here is looking like an invitation on my part to put it nicely.” He had been staring at his door and only now did he tentatively raise his gaze. “Are you free right now, or do you have a schedule to keep?” His heart was beating fast already. Faster than he would have thought possible after Morap. Another reason to stay away from Finn, but sending him away might very well result in trouble for them both.

            “I’m free.”

            Poe nodded. “Are we clear on what we talked about last time?”

            Finn nodded in turn. More hesitantly. “We are.” His voice sounded different now, but without being able to interpret Finn’s features it was hard to read and Poe hated it.

            After another moment of staring at that unsettling mask, Poe typed in his key code at which the door slid open. Upon entering, Poe placed the datapad he had been carrying on the narrow desk, without turning to look back at Finn. And now the fact that he had supposedly slept with the Stormtrooper was on record. He pinched his eyes closed, taking a deep breath. “Do you know what situation you brought us in here?” He asked quietly and after only a brief glimpse out the window, he turned to look at Finn, who had already removed his helmet.

            “Yes I am, but I need to talk to you.”

            “It can’t be that urgent, can it?” But the expression on Finn’s face told him that it was. There wasn’t even a flicker of a smile on the other’s face, but there was no hurt there either. Nothing that would suggest Finn resenting him for what had happened six months ago. Six months. Had it really been that long? Poe immediately found his eyes trailing from Finn’s eyes to his lips and immediately his mouth was parched.

            “I don’t know how urgent it is exactly,” Finn said quietly. “I didn’t take part in the drill today though.”

            Eyebrows raised, Poe pointed to the chair at his desk. “Do you want to sit down? It would be even more suspicious if you left here that quickly anyway. We may just as well be comfortable.” Sitting down on the edge of his bed, he waited until Finn had settled on the chair. He couldn’t possibly be comfortable in his armour, but he only took off his gloves.

            “So?”

            Finn swallowed visibly, taking a look around the small, simple room. It was slightly bigger than the one on the _Finalizer_ had been, but just as modestly furnished. Poe let him be.

            “Nice room you have here.”

            Poe shrugged. “Standard issue,” he said, cursing himself for making it sound like it was nothing at all. Finn probably had no idea what it was like to have a room one could call one’s own. “Sorry…” he mumbled, wondering what it was that had brought Finn here. Finn… here, in his room. Poe couldn’t deny that he hadn’t wished for it these last weeks, but that didn’t mean that he’d have asked Finn here. Things hadn’t changed. Looking up at Finn, he felt that tightness in his throat again. No. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

            “Don’t be. It _is_ a nice room.” The trace of a smirk was visible on Finn’s lips and Poe couldn’t help but laugh. A laugh that at least managed to take off some of the tension.

            “Why are you laughing?” Finn asked still grinning. “What?”

            “I don’t know,” Poe answered, feeling his face grow hot and he quickly bit down on his lower lip. Had he known that Finn would show up here he wouldn’t have had a single drop of whiskey. “I’m sorry. Just can’t wipe that smile off my face.” Honesty… one of the things he had never been able to shake.

            “Keep it,” Finn muttered, leaning back in his chair. “Suits you.”

            At this, Poe’s ears got even hotter and he had to look down at the tips of his boots, unable to hold Finn’s gaze anymore. The smile vanished as quickly as it had come. He shook his head slightly and buried his hands in his hair. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily. “I’m so sorry,” he said softly. His hands were shaking again. “I wish things were different.”

            “Why?”

            Poe looked up again, hiding his lower face behind his fingers as he put his elbow on his knee. Finn didn’t look taken aback or surprised at what Poe was saying and Poe realized that Finn must be familiar with what it meant to be with someone, or at least what it felt like to share a bed with someone else. Poe took a deep breath, pushing away all thought of whether it had been with another Stormtrooper or an officer. He didn’t even want to think about whether Finn had been harassed at some point, though of course it was possible. Then again, Finn would have kept his distance from Poe, wouldn’t he?

            Giving his head a tiny shake, Poe interlaced his fingers and looked down at the palms of his hands. He could see the scar there. The scar that hadn’t really faded yet. It was still there. A constant reminder of Jakku. “I don’t know…” he confessed. He wanted things to be different. So much. But he couldn’t find the right words. “You probably know that you have a certain effect on me and… well…” He fell silent, closing his eyes. “I don’t know if it’s because of what happened on Jakku, though I’m almost sure it has a lot to do with that, but there’s something else as well. I can’t name it exactly, but it’s there and I wish it wasn’t.” He heaved a heavy sigh and buried his face in his hands for a short moment, taking a deep breath.

            Finn didn’t move. Didn’t approach him in any way. He just sat there. Listening. Waiting.

            “I’d like to find out what it is, but I can’t. That’s it probably.” To his relief, Finn didn’t suggest anything they might pursue anyway, now that they were stuck in his private quarters.

            “Would it be of any use to tell me why?”

            Poe shook his head, unwilling to put blame on the Order, or even Morap for that matter. Talking about it wouldn’t change a thing after all and he had the feeling that if he told Finn any of this, he would be hiding behind something he couldn’t quite name. “Not really…” he said quietly, remembering how he had felt back on Jakku with Finn.

            Safe.

            Protected.

            Everything else so far away from the concept of loneliness as he hadn’t been in a long while. Even with Morap he hadn’t felt that way, he now realized and just this simple realization made it easier to breathe. He looked up at Finn again.

The expression on his face was serious, but not accusing or anything else. Only a slight trace of pain was showing in his eyes. A pinprick, almost vanishing in a sea of understanding, if not acceptance. “But like I said… “ he began. “That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“So you said,” Poe confirmed. “What is it then?”

“It’s General Hux,” Finn said and the words alone made a cold creep up Poe’s spine, he hadn’t expected. “I wasn’t at the drill, because he wanted to talk to me. About you. About what I heard when you were talking with San Tekka.”


	10. The Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't exactly a Christmas themed chapter, but I wrote one this week... that won't be up for some time though. Anyway... here goes...

** Chapter 10 **

_The Void_

 

The words twisted his guts. He swallowed hard, returning Finn’s gaze, unable to look away from eyes that were full of sympathy. Hux hadn’t fully believed his report. Not entirely anyway. He tried swallowing, but his mouth was too dry.

            “What did you tell him?”

            Finn shrugged, obviously trying to look like nothing was wrong. “Only that you talked about the map… where it was. That San Tekka asked why you wanted the map… not entirely true, I know but…”

            Poe heaved a sigh of relief.

            “Ren was there too. I think he knows I was lying,” Finn added after a pause. He shook his head slightly. “But I didn’t think you’d want me to tell him about San Tekka recognizing your name.”

            Poe nodded again and rubbed his hand over his neck. “Thank you,” he murmured. “It doesn’t mean anything,” he added quickly, feeling the urgent need to justify himself. “What San Tekka said, it doesn’t matter. But still…”

            “That’s what I thought.” Finn didn’t sound entirely convinced but resigned and Poe was grateful to him for not asking any further questions. “I’ll leave you in peace then. Just thought you should know.”

            Poe nodded and got up just as Finn did. Putting his gloves back on, Finn smiled slightly. “I hope I didn’t get you into trouble by coming here?”

            With a shake of the head, Poe stepped forward. “It probably doesn’t matter. If the General is already suspicious of me, then you not coming here wouldn’t have improved my situation. What about you?”

            Finn shrugged, a grin on his face. “If a Colonel asks me to come to his quarters, there’s not a lot I can do, is there?”

            Poe snorted unhappily. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, taking another step towards Finn.

            “Stop apologizing. I’m an adult, you know?”

            Again, Poe couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes I know. And a kriffing fine one at that.” Raising his hands, he put them on Finn’s cheeks. The skin was soft and warm under his fingertips. “Still, I don’t want you to put yourself in jeopardy for me. If Hux asks any more questions, tell him. Tell him you didn’t remember everything or-“

            “No, I’m not! You don’t want him to know and it’s none of his business! They were your parents and he shouldn’t give a damn about them!” The angry scowl on Finn’s face in combination with his hands on Poe’s hips made Poe shiver.

            Poe laughed again softly, then leaned in, gently pressing his lips to Finn’s. “Thank you, Finn.”

 

Falling asleep had been hard these last couple of days. Not only did he constantly worry about Hux approaching him to ask more questions, but there was also this other memory. The memory of Finn. Nothing had happened after that second, more moderate kiss, but Poe knew that he had made a horrible mistake.

Before, he had tried banishing Finn from his thoughts without success, but now his mind kept trailing back to him and there were times when he didn’t even fight it anymore. He simply had to acknowledge that Finn had done more for him in the short span of time that they had known each other, than anyone else. Even Morap. With Morap things had been different. They had been together for a long time, but they had never had to fight through anything. Not together. Not for each other. Yes, they had worked in unison, but even if Poe had never needed protection back then, he had never realized how good it must feel to completely trust someone else.

He hadn’t trusted Morap. He knew that now. Somehow trusting Morap and being with him were two completely different concepts. And that was what was making things hard for him now. He trusted Finn and he knew that the same was also true for Finn, but being with Finn was out of the question, because it would never last. The almost instant attraction to Finn probably had everything to do with trusting Finn and feeling indebted to him on a very fundamental level that wouldn’t be denied access to the very core of his being.

            He had been angry with Morap for abandoning him to deal with the consequences of his betrayal and rightly so, but nowadays is anger was aiming at something else. Something that was making him feel like he was slowly but surely getting the ground from underneath his feet taken away from him. Even finishing his written report on the drill took longer than usual and he knew exactly why that was. That burning pain in the pit of his stomach whenever he started working on it, made it impossible for him to write any faster. When he finally saved the file on the server, Poe leaned back in his chair, turning his head to look out the window at the snow tipped trees below him. He hadn’t been out there since his arrival on Starkiller Base. Not once. For the first time, he wished his schedule allowed for it. He hadn’t touched snow in years and for a moment he wished he could. But his schedule was keeping him busy until after dark and even then leaving the base except on business was out of the question. Looking down at his hands he wondered what it would feel like to dip his bare hands into the white icy substance, pick it up and form a ball, like he had done in those years at the orphanage. Back when the only thing he needed to worry about had been… what? What had he been worried about as a child? He didn’t know anymore. The only thing he remembered was the feeling of abandonment by his mother and something else… a sense of belonging. Blinking, Poe shook his head and he got up. The screen in front of him had only just reminded him of his schedule. Time for lunch. Afterwards he’d have time for a meeting with his team before going back to work. A design for another, smaller and more agile class of Star Destroyers had been sent to him this morning and he’d have to go over the schematics to figure out its potential in battle and how to incorporate them in their strategies or maybe come up with new ones. The presentation of the schematics would take most of the afternoon meeting luckily.

 

He still hadn’t grown as familiar with his team as he had been with the one on the _Finalizer_. They were competent enough, no doubt. Probably more than that, but that didn’t mean that working with them came easy to him. Ever since he had arrived here on this base, he had felt somewhat detached from everyone. His surroundings were familiar enough. The people he was working with were more or less the same as they had been everywhere else he had worked before and still something felt off. Having Meelan around again made it more bearable.

            “The turbo lasers are more concealed than they are on Resurgent class ships,” one of the other tacticians said. Poe was standing near the holo at the centre, listening to his team evaluating the schematics. “That should make it harder for enemy ships to render them defenceless.”

            “Yes, but since they are smaller, their shielding isn’t as good as it should be. That’s the same problem as with old fashioned TIEs.” Qisch shook his head, looking at the woman who had spoken up before. “These new Striker class ships have to stay in formation if they want to stand a chance at not getting blasted apart.”

            “But they will indeed be useful as escorts to bigger ships and Special Forces TIE fighters.”

            Poe nodded. “That’s what they were created for. To carry extra star fighters and provide escort. As you can see, they are almost as heavily armed as the Resurgent class Star Destroyers. In relation only of course, but still.” It was hard hiding his exasperation. He had already given them a short overview of the new ships’ purpose, but so far only three people had spoken up to add useful insights into the schematics. Most of them, the younger tacticians mostly, had only tried to impress _him_ with the obvious. Meelan caught his attention. He had his eyebrows raised was shaking his head slightly. Apparently he too was fed up with these young people and their idiotic attempts at impressing him. “I want you to look at these schematics and I want your reports on potential in any kind of context on my desk tomorrow evening.”

            He saw the people in front of him shift uncomfortably. The task he had set them was nearly impossible to finish by the deadline he had set, but Poe didn’t really care. They were working for the Order and they had best find out that they sometimes simply had to achieve the impossible. “Get to work.”

            Typing in a couple of command codes, Poe transferred the schematics to his team’s main drive, keeping a copy on his personal data pad, and then disconnected it from the main computer. The officers dispersed, hurrying off to get to their workstations.

            “You’ve been on edge lately,” Meelan said quietly to his right. Poe turned his head slightly and nodded.

            “I am… but they have to learn how to work properly. They are all so incredibly young and they need some pressure.”

            Meelan nodded and as Poe looked up at him, he saw that his friend was serious. As serious as Poe had barely ever seen them. “I have something to show you.”

            Stretching out his hand, Poe was almost waiting for the next set of schematics, or a memo recorded on holo vid, to be passed to him by Meelan but Meelan shook his head.

“I’d prefer your office, actually.”

Poe didn’t comment on that, but just as he felt his guts being twisted by that strange sense of dread once again, he pushed it away with all his might. This could be everything. Everything ranging from a piece of news about Meelan’s wife to another order by Hux. But as he entered his office with Meelan five minutes later, he already felt like whatever Meelan wanted to talk to him about, wasn’t good news.

“What is it?” Poe asked as the door closed and they were alone.

Shaking his head, Meelan approached the desk and sat down at one of the two chairs standing in front of it. “Well for one, I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there again.”

“What?” Poe asked, feeling the heat rise already. Meelan knew… of course he did. He must know. He worked in communications and even people in the First Order gossiped. He should have expected this to happen. Rubbing his hand over his neck, Poe approached his desk and sat down next to Meelan.

“That Stormtrooper?” Meelan shrugged, looking Poe with something of a smile. “Not something I would have expected of you… but… well I guess I can’t exactly blame you either. You’ve been alone for too long perhaps.”

Poe shrugged, licking his dry lips. “It’s not like that…” he mumbled, thinking wildly about what he wanted Meelan to know. That he had in fact not slept with Finn, would only arouse more suspicion.

“I get it… he’s the one you _crashed_ with, isn’t it?”

Poe’s head snapped up at the word. Meelan certainly hadn’t bought the story about the crash, had probably even managed to pull up some data concerning the supposed crash and the distress signal. Since it had come from Jakku, the story wasn’t exactly watertight, Jakku being far from the course the shuttle should have taken from their previous position on the _Finalizer_ to Starkiller Base. But Meelan didn’t press the matter and Poe was grateful for it. He nodded slowly. “Yes, he’s the one,” he said quietly, realizing full well how this one sentence could be read two entirely different ways but he still didn’t know how _he_ meant it. The whole concept was too big for him to grasp somehow.

Not giving away even the slightest trace of emotion, Meelan pulled a datacard from the inside of his tunic. “After that night you spent with him,” he said, “General Hux sent for me and asked me to do some research for him. On you. I take it that one incident in your quarters set him on edge somehow.” He still didn’t ask any questions and Poe buried his face in his hands.

He felt numb. Paralyzed. “And?” he asked, his voice muffled by his hands. He really didn’t even want to know what Meelan had to say about this whole affair, but he valued his honesty. “Did you find anything?” His mind was racing, trying to figure out when he hadn’t stuck to protocol and how that might affect everything he had worked for since childhood.

“Not about you exactly, no.” Meelan’s voice sounded grave and Poe looked up again. Meelan was twisting the datacard in his hand and then gently, as if he was holding a bomb, put it on the desk. “You should watch this. Don’t worry, Hux doesn’t have anything on you. You’re clean. But this isn’t just about Hux. There’s stuff I think you should know. No one knows I saw this or took this copy, so I’m asking you to watch it on a disconnected datapad and destroy this thing as soon as you can.”

Poe nodded, his mouth awfully dry, and then watched Meelan get up. “Sure.”

Meelan nodded. “I’m guessing you’re not coming to dinner tonight, but I still have some of that whiskey left. Just in case you need it tonight.”

He flinched when Meelan put his hand on Poe’s shoulder and squeezed it. He had never done this before, Poe thought, as he watched his friend leave. But then again, a lot of things seemed to have changed these last few months. Swallowing hard, after Meelan had left the room, Poe reached for the datacard. It felt heavy in his hands. Like a weight he couldn’t get rid of easily. Something he wasn’t likely to be able to shake off easily. And Meelan knew what it was. Meelan was taking a huge risk for him, Poe knew. Another person willing to stand in the line of fire for him, but why anyone would be willing to do that, Poe couldn’t even begin to understand.

He got up and put the datacard in his pocket while reaching for his datapad at the same time. Yes, he should be working right now. He should be with his team, supervising their efforts or studying the new schematics himself. Be he couldn’t possibly bring himself to do it. Not with the urgency in Meelan’s voice still fresh in his ears. Now was not the time for work. Or at least it felt like it wasn’t and that thought alone was enough to make his hands tremble. He had never _not_ felt like working. Even after Morap’s flight, he had kept on pushing himself through mountains of schematics and myriads of strategy meetings. Having a look at whatever Meelan had left him here seemed like the only valid option at this point. Everything was changing. Everything. And he wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t sure he could take it. Even for a moment. But he had to. There was no other choice. He felt it deep within him, something twisting his guts violently like the knowledge of something stalking him like a dark shadow. Something he couldn’t quite grasp. Not yet anyway. Not until he had taken a look at what Meelan was so anxious for him to see.

He filed a short report via datapad on his way to his quarters, claiming to be suffering from severe headaches and requesting a med droid to send over an antidote as quickly as possible. That should keep people off his back for some time. Entering his room, he found that it looked entirely different in the early afternoon sun. He barely ever saw it like that, since his shift tended to start early in the morning and only end after dark. Leaning against the wall by the door, he took a look around. At his home these past two months. At the narrow door to the bathroom, the desk with the uncomfortable chair. At the bed in which he hadn’t been able to find any sleep recently. His lack of sleep had been noticed by the last medical exam a few days previously and Poe had been able to talk his way out of it then. Now that he had reported headaches he was bound to be forced to undergo an extensive medical exam sooner rather than later. Shuffling his feet over the dark tiled floor, Poe made his way over to the bed and sat down on it. What was it that Meelan needed him to see? Something that needed to be destroyed as soon as possible? Leaning up against the wall and adjusting the pillow at his back, Poe proceeded to cutting the connection between datapad and the First Order’s system, an option reserved for the private use of the higher ranking officers and mostly used for those with families. Poe himself had never put it to use. Why should he have? He didn’t have secrets. Not until now that was. Not until Finn and that was over already? So what could possibly be Meelan had found out about him? Was he being watched? But is so, Meelan could have told him!

Unable to put it off any longer, Poe inserted the datacard into the designated slot and he only had to wait half a minute before the file had loaded. Or rather the files. Apparently a holo vid and a report. Poe couldn’t distinguish what kind of files they were according to their label. He opened the first one. The holo vid. The small projector took a while to load the file, and when it did, Poe felt his heart sink.

An interrogation room, he realized. A person, a human judging from size and proportions, strapped to the chair in the centre. Stormtroopers flanking the chair. The masks they were wearing and their armour in general told Poe that this video had to be old. Very old. He did a quick calculation and swallowed hard, getting a sense of why Meelan had given him the datacard. And he wished Meelan hadn’t done it. Hadn’t forced this upon him.

Poe shut his eyes, before he could see her face, knowing full well that he didn’t have it in him to even move a finger to turn off the recording. Her scream was the first thing he recognized of her. Or rather her voice. That voice that brought up so many moments he had forgotten, shoved away to a place he hadn’t reached for in such a long time. Distorted though it may be by pain and anger, her voice was the same.

It was her. His mother. And he wasn’t even looking at her as she screamed. Breathing heavily, he forced his eyes open again, fighting off the pain at hearing her. She had been selfish. She was the reason he had lost his family early on. He told himself that she wasn’t worth it. That she was a rebel. Nothing more. That she was his enemy and always had been, but as he stared back up at the holo in his trembling hand, the camera zoomed in on that face. A face he recognized at once. The scar over her right brow was the first thing he remembered as he saw her now. She hadn’t changed. She still looked the same. She had stopped screaming, but was still breathing heavily, teeth bared, glaring at someone Poe couldn’t see yet. He could only see the side of her face, but that alone was enough to make his throat feel tight. There was nothing he could do to distance himself from that look. From that face. No possible way and every time her chest moved, he felt his heart drum loudly in his chest.

She was beautiful, he realized with a pang. Beautiful and unreachable to him then and now even more so. There was no time to think. No time to process. All he could do was stare at the holo with his mouth open, the datapad clutched tightly in his hand.

Her face was dripping, at first he thought it was sweat, but then he realized why she had been screaming. She was drenched. Drenched in water and her screams, as they picked up again, tore at his heart like a white hot knife as electricity shot through her body.

Feeling the bile rise in his throat, Poe dropped the datapad on the bed, making the holo shake in the air. But it didn’t help. It didn’t help in keeping the anguished sob from clawing its way out of his throat. She threw her head back with a breathless grunt, as the electricity reached an even higher intensity, freezing her in place, while her arms and legs twitched violently in their restraints. And then she collapsed. Just like that.

Poe gasped. Was that it? Her death? For a short, terrible moment he thought this was all he was going to see. But then he saw that she was breathing. Still breathing. After everything. There was a look in her eyes, blazing with a fire he had never seen there. A hatred so cutting he felt it pushing its way out of the holo and burning deep within him, making him feel every ounce of that horrible weight.

“Where’s my boy…” she whispered, her voice raw from screaming. Like sandpaper. Like something barely human anymore. Her full lips were parched. Trembling. Bloody from biting down on them to hold in the screams she had had no chance of fighting. “Where’s Poe?”

His name coming from her bruised lips after all these years, even in this tone of voice was like a blanket put over him by an invisible hand and at the same time it was as if the ground beneath him was shaking. Shaking violently to open up and swallow him whole. Her dark curls were sticking to her cheeks, almost hiding the cuts she must have received during the interrogation. Almost. But not quite.

“Your boy is with us. He is being taken care of.” A man’s voice said, making Poe shiver uncontrollably.

And that was enough. Enough to bring her back. She was strong. Even after what must have been hours, she fought the restraints with all her might, a fire in her eyes that made Poe’s own sting. “Don’t you touch him! Don’t you dare touch-“ She was cut off by a fist connecting with her jaw, throwing her head back against the chair with a violent thud. “He’s my boy,” she said more quietly, her voice on the verge of breaking into needle sharp pieces of nothingness. Her eyes were trained at a point somewhere above the camera and Poe could see tears trailing down her blood stained cheeks. Her lips were trembling, as she closed her eyes and the voice of the man spoke up again.

“You will never see him again,” the man whispered and the face of the officer slowly edged into the frame, his lips so close to her jaw that they were almost touching her skin. “But I promise you that you are going to rue the day you destroyed the Empire’s last Super Star Destroyer for a very long time.”

And then the image was gone. Just like that. The holo had ended without even another word. Another finite sentence. Kafr… Kafr had been the one to interrogate his mother. Personally. The air around Poe suddenly seemed to be unbreathable. Too dense. Too clean. He was gasping, his back pressed against the icy wall and as he reached up to bury his hands in his hair, hair that must look so much like his mother’s whenever it had grown out even a little, he felt the dampness of cold sweat on his scalp. Closing his eyes, he pressed his head against the knees he must have pulled close to his chest at some point and tried to calm his breathing. This was wrong. This wasn’t supposed to have happened. He wasn’t allowed to see this. He shouldn’t have seen this! He was supposed to be above it. Not to have this thrown into his path.

A sound, unlike any he had heard in a long while fought its way out his throat, as he tried to order his lungs to keep breathing, while tears were streaming down his face and his heart was throbbing so wildly in his chest he felt every single beat like a powerful strike against his ribs.

She had asked for him.

Begged for him.

Had tried to fight for him!

Her eyes, with that unquenchable fire in them had reminded him so much of his own just right after Morap had left. Determined. Determined to fight and to keep fighting. To keep going despite everything.

_You better remember what your parents fought for._

The words echoed through his head, making him gasp for breath. What they had fought for had been wrong! So infinitely wrong! Chaos for chaos’ sake couldn’t be the solution to the galaxy’s problems. To leave each and every being to their own devices was wrong. Simply wrong! He remembered that! Remembered that as being the most important goal of the First Order! To bring peace to a galaxy crumpling under the impact of disorder!

But…

There it was…

This “but” he hadn’t sensed in decades.

Blinking, he forced his eyes open, trying to remember what this one word entailed. His mother… she had been a _but_. One single voice in his mind. Echoing through his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Poe reached again for the datapad, and only managing to open the other file after wiping his sweaty finger on his trouser leg.

His eyes were burning, as he scanned the text that appeared on the screen almost instantly. She wasn’t dead. She hadn’t been killed by Kafr, the man who had looked out for Poe for such a long time! Not out of the goodness of his heart apparently, but only to spite the Rebel Alliance and the woman who had destroyed his ship.

The galaxy seemed to be spinning around Poe, as he read on. Read about Kafr ordering  Shara Bey to be sent first to the spice mines and then to another workstation. And then to another. Ordering to keep her alive, just in case they needed her as leverage against Poe. One day… Poe’s breathing had almost come to a complete standstill, as he read this. She wasn’t dead! She was alive! Alive and-

The datapad slipped from his grasp.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn't get you down... too much.
> 
> No matter whether you celebrate any holiday this season or not: I wish you all a peaceful and happy time with your loved ones! 
> 
> I love you all!
> 
> Happy Holidays! 
> 
> Merry Christmas! 
> 
> Happy Hannkuah!


	11. Deserving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry! If you don't want to read this chapter, don't. But let me tell you: it's going to be rough and don't read if this affects you!
> 
> Huge thanks to my friend telekinetic hedgehog from the Star Wars Writing Alliance for helping me out!!!

** Chapter 11 **

_Deserving_

 

Hux didn’t need her anymore.

            That was what Poe had gathered from the final lines of the report on Shara Bey. It had been Kafr’s orders that had kept her alive these last thirty years. Somehow… somehow she had survived imprisonment and hard labour on the First Order’s bases until somehow she had caught Hux’s attention… probably because of Poe… because Poe had become someone noticeable in Hux’s eyes. But unlike Kafr, Hux didn’t seem to see any value in her or her labour. Why would he? She was old. Too old to be worth anything to the Order anymore.

            Shaking from head to foot, Poe stood upright, his eyes trained on the tips of his boots. And then they started moving. He watched his feet carry him forward. To the door. Automatically his hand reached for the command cap resting on the desk. He didn’t even realize as he put it on and, heart thumping wildly in his chest, made his way towards the elevators.

He was numb. Numb and incapable of forming a coherent thought. The corridors he passed through seemed familiar enough, but he didn’t take them in. Not even in the slightest. Images were flashing before his eyes. Images and memories crashing in on him. Things he couldn’t quite place. A tree. The feeling of arms around him. The smell of something he only barely remembered. And something else… hot tears streaming down his face as he was shouting himself hoarse. Screaming. Crying. For someone he’d never see again.

Breathing heavily, Poe ducked into a nearby servicing corridor to lean against the wall. Closing his eyes, he told himself that he needed to calm down. He needed to focus. He couldn’t start breaking down in the open. Doing so would only worsen his situation. With a barely suppressed scream of frustration he punched the wall across from him. His mother wasn’t dead. She had been alive ever since they had been separated all those years ago… by Kafr… the man Poe had always considered a friend, when he had been nothing but an example to be set for Kafr.

The world seemed to be swimming before him and Poe forced back the tears with all his might. He wiped his face, getting rid of the treacherous traces of grief he wasn’t supposed to be feeling. Looking to his right, he saw the wider corridor he had just left. He was in the detention block… somehow he had made his way here. To where she was being held. To where she was going to die. She was expendable to Hux. And to him? Poe didn’t know. How could she not be? He didn’t know her. Why had seeing her affected him this much? Why was he hurting like this?

Kafr, he told himself. It was Kafr… the feeling of being nothing but a piece of amusement to the late General. Something to play around with and to be influenced… Poe had had no choice. No say in the matter. But of course he had known this before. That being part of the Order was nothing but coincidence and that he had to fit in or die. That had always been clear to him. Somehow….

This was more… so much more… and he had to keep moving if he wanted to see her. At least once. But… did he? Not really, he realized, but he knew that if he didn’t even attempt to see her, the image of her tear-streaked face would be stuck in his head for as long as he lived and those screams would echo through his mind every time he tried falling asleep. Even now that they were stored safely on that datacard in his room, he could hear them. High-pitched. Not human. But his mother’s voice anyway. That voice which he could remember humming a soft melody.

A memory…

 No lyrics… just the melody pounding behind his forehead overlaying the screams freezing him in place even now.

            Giving himself another minute to breathe, Poe shivered and then moved on to adjusting his command cap and for a brief moment, he wondered whether he even looked presentable… but that didn’t matter now. Time was running out. He had had less than half an hour when he had read the file. They were probably on their way… had removed her from her cell…

Just as he rounded the corner of the intersection, heart pounding in his chest, he saw the four Stormtroopers walking in his direction along the corridor leading towards the execution chamber. And there she was! It had to be her!

Poe’s breath caught in his chest as he laid eyes on her. At the woman right in the middle of her Stormtrooper escort, her grey hair short, her face wrinkled and had he seen her any other day, at any other time, he would not have recognized her. But this was her. It had to be. The defiant look in her eyes and the shape of her nose more than the other thing he knew for certain: no one else was scheduled to be executed today.

            His throat was tight, as he took a step forward, blocking the Stormtroopers’ path, never taking his eyes off the woman in their middle. The Troopers stood still. He could feel their eyes trained on him, but he didn’t say anything. Not a word, not a sound passed his lips as his eyes started to burn. He felt like he was choking already. Choking on emotions he had no name for. Like he was being suffocated by the sheer weight of them.

            Her dark brown eyes, so much like his own, returned his gaze but like his they remained dry. Her lips were parched. Cracked. He could even see a thin, smudged streak of blood on her chin. Had they beaten her? Why? She was about to die anyway, wasn’t she?

            A sudden, violent surge of tenderness was threatening to overwhelm him, as he looked into that face and recognized it as his own. His fingers were twitching with the need to touch her cheek, but he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. Not only were there at least four pairs of eyes watching him, but she was also the woman who had risked her son’s life following her own desire for adventure and revenge. It was her own fault she was here, he reminded himself, but still he couldn’t step aside and let these Troopers sweep her away. Not now. Not now that he felt like all his limbs had grown numb.

            “Sir?” One of the Troopers asked. He immediately recognized Finn’s voice, but there was no way he could react to that right now.

            “Are you him?” She asked, her voice hoarse, but he didn’t even listen to her words. All he could focus on was the sound of them. The low, soft sound he suddenly remembered. The voice which had sung to him. Traces of melodies suddenly rushing through his mind again. He took half a step back, regretting doing so at the same time.

He closed his hands, digging his fingernails into his palms to stop them from shaking.

“Poe?” Her eyes remained dry, but he could see the faint sparkle in them. It, combined with the  barely visible smile stretching across her aged face, tore at everything he was, making his knees almost give way.

He opened his mouth, trying to say something, anything, but all he was able to bring out was an unarticulated sound.

“Dameron!”

Poe flinched, turned his head, unable to spin on his heel to follow the unspoken order hidden in that own name. He blinked, realizing only now that he hadn’t done so in over a minute, only to find Hux not five feet away from him. He hadn’t even heard the noise of the door to the room in which Hux had been open.

“What are you doing here, Colonel?” Hux walked towards him, nostrils flaring and it took Poe all the willpower he had to turn around to face him.

“Sir?” he croaked. Closing his lips and clasping his hands behind his back, he squared his shoulders. His mother’s eyes were fixed upon him.

He knew it.

He felt them.

Felt their gaze echoing through the marrow of his bones. Their shock. Their disappointment.

One single drop of sweat trickled down his spine, making him shiver as he returned Hux’s stare.

“How did you know?” Hux didn’t even ask if Poe knew who the woman behind him, standing between the Stormtroopers was. He must know.

“I saw the note, Sir,” Poe said, his voice stronger now, but still low. “I wanted to… to see it for myself.” What else was he to do? What was he to say? There was nothing. Nothing he _could_ do, he realized.

Nothing to save her life.

And he wanted to.

Never before had he wanted anything so much. But he was so powerless. As powerless as he had always been, but only at this precise moment in which he had to tell Hux this outright lie, did he realize it. He didn’t know her. He had resented her all his life. Had hated her to some extent even. But she looked like him! Nothing but this very thought, in which so many other things came together, things he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, made him realize that none of it mattered.

“You did?” Hux raised his eyebrows and snorted briefly, looking Poe up and down. “Very well. Shall we?” He pointed invitingly at the door he had just vacated and Poe saw Meelan standing there, white as a sheet. Meelan, he now realized, hadn’t intended for this to happen. But it had. And right now, Poe couldn’t even think about it.

Shaking slightly, he turned around once more, staring his mother straight in the face. She had been beautiful once, he realized, remembering the soft touch of her lips on his forehead and her arms wrapped tightly around him after he had woken from a horrible nightmare. And then there was that one image in his head. That of the broken woman in the torture chair appearing like so much more than the person standing in front of him now. Like someone infinitely more important and more meaningful than any mental image of her that had stayed with him over the years.

“Don’t worry, Poe…” she whispered, making him flinch, as she reached for him, her hands bound by cuffs she must have been wearing for a long time. Her wrists, he saw, were bruised. Bleeding even. Fully aware that Hux was watching him, he couldn’t even reach out to her. It was out of his hands. All of it. There was nothing for him to do, but feel her fingertips brush against his cheek, before one of the Stormtroopers pushed her forward, making her stumble and fall right against his chest. Finn… Finn had done it…

Poe didn’t even look up, as he swiftly, as if in reflex, put his arms around her to catch her. She was as light as a feather, her short hair rough against his chin, as he, as if by accident, brushed his lips along her temple, before putting her back on her feet and taking a step back, opening up the path he had been blocking before. What else was he to do.

He could still feel her gaze upon him, could still smell the faint scent of her, as the Stormtroopers forced her to move. Poe pressed up against the wall, telling himself not to follow her with his gaze. Hux was there… waiting for him. And he had to join him. Had to join Hux and watch it happen, when all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and forget this day ever happened. He had barely ever wanted to do anything else.

Doing his best to hide his trembling hands, Poe followed Hux into the room, fighting the nearly overwhelming urge to run and hide from whatever was going to happen next. It was as if every breath he took was just as futile as the one before. Like no oxygen could possibly make its way past this giant void of nothingness to his brain. The barren room barely even registered. All he saw was the wide window providing the overview over the white room below. Poe felt his stomach tighten as he saw the table in the middle.

“I am surprised you have come here, Colonel,” he heard Hux say and forced himself to turn his head ever so slightly.

“Sir?”

Hux shrugged, an expression on his face Poe couldn’t even begin to read, but felt the sudden wish to wipe away with a well-aimed punch. Behind Hux he could see Meelan shaking his head ever so slightly. For a moment, Poe felt a biting retort clawing its way out his throat and managed to hold himself back with all the strength he could muster. He had to keep up appearances, even if every second he remained here was already tugging violently at every fibre of his being.

“I’m just saying that I hadn’t expected you to turn up here. You saw the note and decided to come here? Just like that? Have you talked to your mother recently, Colonel?”

Poe suppressed a low grunt and clasped his hands firmly behind his back. The world seemed to be spinning around him. He needed to stay alert! To remain on his feet and prove to Hux that he was stronger than this. That he didn’t care. Or else…  the consequences were unthinkable. And yet he was already shaking, uncertain of how he was going to get through this. Even if she had abandoned him. Even if she was nothing but a rebel who had risked her son’s life like she had… Poe couldn’t help but think of the woman he had just seen as someone who should have been close to her… someone who had suffered because of him and that very thought was enough to make him want to crumble to the floor. To beg Hux for mercy for his mother. But Hux would never concede. Why would he? “Of course I haven’t,” Poe said, his voice flat. Void of any trace of emotion. How he managed it he didn’t know. “I only found out about her execution half an hour ago.” He turned back towards the window. He was standing so close to it that for a moment he wondered whether his breath would manage to fog it over and block his view… no such luck.

He felt every single heartbeat like a drum pounding in his chest. Like it was going to break his ribs and press every single bit of food he had had this day back up his throat with every single natural pumping of blood.

“Very well.” Was there a resigned sort of undertone lingering in these two words? Sympathy? Poe didn’t know, but he also didn’t want to turn around and look.

He heard someone approach him, but he didn’t turn his head, afraid of seeing Hux, but apparently Hux had decided to remain in the back section of the room. From the corner of his eye, Poe saw Meelan, eyes focused on the table, but still there and Poe couldn’t help but acknowledge that it was for his own personal benefit that Meelan had stepped up to stand here next to him. Even if more than three metres were separating them, there he was. At his side. Not looking at him, but there anyway. And then the door below slid open and he could see her again. He clasped his hands even more firmly to not only suppress the shaking but also to keep them from reaching up to touch the glass. He had never felt so helpless in his life. Not even on Jakku, when he had thought he was going to die… here there was not even the one permanent hiding place left for him. His breathing picked up, as she looked up and he realized the window was actually see through. She could see him!

There was a softness in her eyes he hadn’t expected there. A softness he didn’t feel he deserved and which was slowly but surely starting a fire in his chest nothing would ever be able to quench. A fire gnawing at his heart and something less tangible. Something less physical than that lump of flesh burning away in his chest.

He held his breath, as he saw the medics dressed in their white grey uniforms approach her. He hadn’t even really seen the two Stormtroopers flanking her. Not until they lifted her onto the table and she didn’t even resist. Already his eyes were pinching. Burning. His vision blurring, but he couldn’t close them. Somehow he felt like he owed it to her to watch. If he wasn’t able to do anything else, watching her, being there was all he had left to give her even if she didn’t deserve it. Deserve… what _did_ she deserve?

 _Not this_ , a soft voice in his mind whispered and he pushed it away as quickly as possible. He couldn’t afford to waste energy on thinking now. Not now that she needed him to see.

She was calm. Seemingly detached from everything else. From the Stormtroopers putting binders on her wrists and ankle. From what was about to happen to her.

His throat was so tight like it was determined to never let him breathe again, as he held his mother’s gaze, doing everything in his power to make his face seem as impassive as possible, while on the inside he felt like everything, every little step he had taken since he had been parted from his mother was being taken away from him. Like he was shrinking. Growing ever younger. Fading into helplessness.

“We’re ready, Sir.” The voice coming over the speaker was the same voice he had heard when he had been in the infirmary. The medic who had taken care of him.

A short silence, then Hux cleared his throat. “Proceed.” Poe didn’t turn around to look at him, but at this precise moment Hux surprised him. He didn’t sound as cold as usual, Poe thought, when the impact of that single word reached him.

He pressed his lips tightly together, as he looked into those brown eyes surrounded by wrinkles and dry skin and he thought of how much he didn’t know of the woman lying on the table down there. Of how much she was supposed to mean to him and how little she actually did. Not at this moment. At this precise moment as her lips formed this one word, his name, unintelligible through the glass and the distance between them, his vision blurred once again. This time he didn’t blink. Not for a second, forcing himself to give her the one thing he could: his attention. Being there for her when no one else was. As the tears flowed down his cheeks, leaving a white-hot burning trail on his skin, he felt eyes on him, but he couldn’t be sure if they were Hux’s or Meelan’s.

He saw the doctor approach his mother, the syringe in hand, filled with the very substance that would end her life, but she didn’t even look up. There was a smile on her parched lips. A smile he hadn’t expected there and that one motion was enough to make him want to pound his fists against the glass, scream, fight, do everything he could to save her even if it meant throwing himself in the line of fire.

But he didn’t. He remained motionless. His eyes dry. Unable to breathe. Unable to move. All he could do was stand there and watch as the life slowly drained out of those eyes that were trying to tell him something he couldn’t grasp. Something out of reach and yet tangible in a way few things had ever been. He could see her breathing, as tears shot to her eyes, just a second before they broke and Poe felt as if something irreplaceable was ripped from him. Something he hadn’t even known existed until this moment it left him, just like that.

From one moment to the next all he could see was a woman he had no connection to whatsoever lying there in the execution chamber.

 

Boots clanking on the floor breaking the silence was all his brain registered. That body just lying there was alien to him. As alien as was the concept of having a mother. A mother he had just lost without having had her.

            “You shouldn’t have been here, Dameron.” Hux’s voice was firm, cutting through every fibre of his body. He still didn’t move. If he turned his head even slightly, Hux would see the trail of tears on his skin and that couldn’t happen. Luckily Hux didn’t wait for an answer, not in any way. “Take the rest of the day off, Dameron. Tomorrow as well. Take the Colonel back to his quarters, Major.”

            Those boots again and then there was silence. Silence as the medic approached the table in the other room and pulled a black sheet over Shara Bey’s lifeless form, which would now be burned, her ashes disposed of.

            Poe tried swallowing, but nothing except for a dry, forced clicking sound happened in his throat. He couldn’t even see her face anymore. Wouldn’t be allowed to touch her. To say goodbye.

            “Let’s go.” Meelan’s voice was infinitely softer than Hux’s had been and the touch of his hand on Poe’s arm almost comforting. Comforting enough that Poe didn’t protest, as Meelan gently pushed him towards the door. It was as if he had lost the will to move on his own, just obeying when he should be screaming. When all he was, was nothing but an empty shell and when he should be so much more.

            Only when Meelan relinquished his grip on his arm, did Poe realize that Meelan had still guided him on their way and only then, as he felt all tension leave his arm and all purpose leave his body, did he realize that they had already entered the corridor in which his quarters where situated. He didn’t even remember having come here.

            “Why did you give me that datacard?” He sounded more accusing than he wanted to. He should be thankful to Meelan for doing it, but somehow… somehow all he felt was emptiness sucking him in like a black hole, ready to crush him into something that could never be put right again.

            He turned his head slightly as Meelan shrugged, eyes trained on the floor. “You deserved to know,” Meelan answered.

            “I-“ Poe cut himself off, clutching his hands into fists. Did he deserve to know? Did he deserve to know that he hadn’t been alone after all? That there had at least been a chance of him having a family? Even if it was so very slim? He’d have had to stand up against the Order. Against General Kafr. Against Meelan. Everything and everyone that had shaped and been his life and even then he couldn’t have been sure that being with his mother had been the right thing to do. And now that chance had passed him by and he hadn’t had a chance of finding out anything… he pressed his lips tightly together. Did he deserve this? How big his offence had been… failing Snoke had cost him even this one chance he never could have had anyway. “How did you know?” He asked again, his voice hoarse, on the verge of breaking. “Why were you even there?” The question only came to him now. Now that he realised that a communications officer had no business witnessing the execution of a lowly worker. And neither did General Hux. Not unless…

            “I was her interrogator.” Meelan answered curtly and meeting Poe’s eyes now. His brows were furrowed, his gaze colder than Poe had ever seen them. “I figured you’d like to know that she wasn’t dead after all but put to justice now.”

            “Interrogator…” Poe breathed, realizing full well what this single word entailed…. Meelan had tortured her. Had put her into one of those chairs again… had made her scream. Had forced things out of her she wouldn’t give away willingly. “Why?” He could barely hear his own voice.

            Meelan scoffed, as if Poe’s question was completely out of line. Something was off. Something had shifted. Like a rift separating them all of a sudden. “There was an uprising planned among the workers,” Meelan said. “It was detected before any plans could be put into action luckily. She was the ringleader.” That hadn’t been in the file… of course it hadn’t. The Order didn’t want to encourage uprisings by even suggesting that one might have been planned from their own ranks.

            “And you believe that?!” Poe spat, tears suddenly pricking in his eyes again. “You believe that and you give me that datacard where I could see my _mother_ being tortured and you expect me to come to your room? You expect me to drink to the Order after this!?” The words flew out of his mouth before he had even had time to think them over. To hold them back. He stumbled away from Meelan, for once not giving a damn about upholding his mask in front of the surveillance cameras. He was reckless. He knew it. But there was nothing for it. He was hurting. Hurting as badly as he had never done before in his life! Those broken eyes would haunt him forever! Even now they lingered with him. Those eyes and those lips forming a single word. One name. _Poe._

            Meelan’s eyes suddenly had a spark in them Poe had never seen there before. A spark edging him on, threatening to make himself more vulnerable than he was even now. “Why are you still with the Order if you loathe it so much?” he asked with a snarky undertone that made Poe shiver.

            “Shut up…” he mumbled, when all he wanted to shout was “ _I don’t know!”_ Turning his back on Meelan, Poe started moving along the corridor.

            “Poe!” Meelan called out to him, but Poe didn’t turn around.

            “I can’t do this right now…” Poe muttered, his voice shaky. “Just-” He bit on his toungue at the last moment, before he could say what he needed to shout: _Just fuck off._ “- leave me be.”

            Meelan didn’t protest. Didn’t give any retort and Poe didn’t look back once as he pushed himself to go on and keep moving, feeling like things would never be the same after this.

            He wasn’t at all surprised when he saw the Stormtrooper standing in front of his door again, just like he had been waiting there one other time. Poe swallowed hard, but didn’t say anything else, as he made his way towards the door, jammed in his key code and entered the room. Unable to remain on his feet even one moment longer, he collapsed onto the bed, his head hitting the pillow, not giving a damn about the soldier entering the small room behind him, or about the locking of the door. The datapad was still there. Pushing hard against his stomach.

            “So…” Poe mumbled, looking up at Finn, as the other dragged of his helmet just like he had done before and then started peeling off his armour in one motion. Like this was normal. Like he was going to stay. And Poe couldn’t fight it. Not now. Not today. “Who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?”

            Finn didn’t laugh. He didn’t even look up, just continued taking off the armour plates and putting them on the desk next to the helmet. “I’m sorry,” he said finally, facing Poe again and moving up to him, sitting down at the edge of the bed and tentatively reaching up to stroke Poe’s hair. No one had done that in such a long time and Poe closed his eyes, revelling in the touch and the fresh surge of pain that was dulling his thoughts.

            “Don’t be…” Poe managed a shrug. “She was no one to me.”

            “Yes, she was.” Finn said. “She was your mother…”

            Poe’s eyes snapped open. “How…?”

            Finn shook his head. “You look so much like her…” Finn said quietly, his dark eyes full of sympathy Poe didn’t feel he deserved and then the tears were back, burning in his eyes and his nose. Choking him. Clenching his stomach.

            Poe fought the sob that shook his entire being without success for another moment no longer. He didn’t have the strength. And then there he was. There was Finn. Putting the datapad away. Lying down next to him, pulling Poe into his arms, like it was the most natural thing to do. Him, Poe didn’t fight. He was unable to. Unable to do anything but accept the warmth and this something else Finn was offering him.

            It felt like hours before Poe was even able to breathe again. Before he could open his eyes. Eyes which felt puffy and sticky and like they wouldn’t work again properly for at least a month. But they would… they must… Poe took a shuddering breath, feeling his insides unclench and then tense up again. He couldn’t see anything but the dark fabric of Finn’s shirt, didn’t feel anything but pain and emptiness and those arms holding him together. “I’m sorry about your comrades…” Poe whispered and he felt Finn nod.

            “I know.”

            Poe blinked, trying to get rid of the tears that were forming in his eyes again. “It’s just- I…. you…” He pressed his lips together, unable to form another coherent sentence. Finn had never known his parents. Didn’t even know their names, or where they had lived, but here he was. With Poe- Poe who owed him so much that he wasn’t entirely sure he’d ever be able to pay him back,.

            “Shush…” Finn muttered, his breath warm in Poe’s hair and his hand at the back of Poe’s head. The gesture felt familiar and yet so unbelievably unreal in this particular moment. _Deserve this…_ the phrase rushed through his mind, evoking another gut-wrenching sob, tearing through his entire torso like a vibro blade. Finn’s lips on his forehead did nothing to soothe the pain, but everything to let him know that he wasn’t alone in this. He wasn’t alone. Even after everything…

            … he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this chapter, which ends a horrible year! I'm sorry for posting it now, but I didn't want to start the new year off with something this sad! Forgive me!


	12. Supernova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank [Starbirdrampant](http://starbirdrampant.tumblr.com) and [Auroralynne](http://auroralynne.tumblr.com) especially for their input on this one. Thank youu!
> 
> And, dear reader, thank you for joining me again. I'm so sorry for what I did! It won't happen again!

** Chapter 12 **

_Supernova_

 

“Thank you,” Poe mumbled sleepily, revelling in the warmth of Finn’s touch. His mere presence was soothing, lulling him into a sense of security he really shouldn’t be feeling.

He had just snapped at Meelan. He had openly shown his distaste for the Order to one of its interrogators. He had acted rashly… maybe so rashly that he’d never be able to disentangle himself from this web he had somehow managed to get himself caught up in. He hadn’t even known how much he hated the Order until today. Maybe he hadn’t even done so until he had seen this holo and before seeing what he had seen. Maybe... but he couldn’t be sure. He hadn’t given it much thought either, but how in the name of all that was good had he been supposed to stomach it all?

“It’s alright,” Finn replied, his hand gently stroking up and down Poe’s back.

The tears had ceased to run freely some time ago, but he could still feel them stinging and the pain of it reverberating through his brain like icicles burrowing themselves deep within him. “No, it’s not.” Poe cleared his throat and looked up at Finn, pulling him closer towards him and putting his hand on his cheek. “Look at us…” Poe said quietly, trailing the path one single tear had formed on Finn’s skin with his thumb. “Me crying over something I shouldn’t even care about and you… I don’t deserve this.”

Finn raised his eyebrows, taken aback, but before he could speak up, Poe shook his head.

“You,” Poe corrected himself, smiling sadly. “I don’t deserve you…”

Finn snorted. “You like being melodramatic, don’t you?”

“Not really. But you bring out this side of me somehow.” He closed his eyes again, sighing heavily, when Finn leaned over, touching his lips to Poe’s eyelids. This one simple gesture felt good, alleviating some of the hurt eating away at him and Poe pressed his forehead against the crook of Finn’s neck. “We really shouldn’t be doing this…” he mumbled against the fabric of Finn’s shirt, breathing in the scent that was so uniquely Finn.

He felt Finn nod, his chin moving over his scalp. “So? Do you want me to leave?”

Shaking his head, feeling a rush of fear of being left alone in his present state, Poe pushed himself closer to Finn, wrapping his leg around the other to keep him where he was. “Not if you want to stay,” he whispered, unable to look up at Finn again. Today he had lost his mother… he wouldn’t lose this as well… whatever _this_ was.

“I want to stay… if that helps…”

Poe nodded. “I think so…” He felt small. So infinitely small in those arms that he wished he could just sink into them. To lose himself in this moment and not face the world outside again.

“I feel guilty somehow.” Poe added after a while. He wrapped his arm around Finn’s neck, feeling ready to finally slam the door to the outside world shut and feel nothing the touch of Finn’s lips on the skin of his neck.

“About what?”

So much… there was so much to feel guilty about and so very little he could do to redeem himself. He swallowed hard. “Not doing anything to save her,” he began, his voice muffled by the rough fabric. His fingertips were brushing softly over the back of Finn’s neck now. It felt so good to be touching someone. To be holding someone. To be held like this himself. To know that the person sharing the bed with him was someone he might be allowed to trust. To know that it was Finn. “San Tekka…”, he added, feeling something rush over him he had safely put away up to this point. San Tekka hadn’t meant _him_ any harm, Poe knew. Just the Order. The Order trying to destroy his life’s work… “Slip, Zeroes… Nines…” he swallowed hard as he felt Finn shivering beneath his fingertips. “You… I’m sorry for talking about this when you have never even known your parents… and I’m not supposed to talk about mine… I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Finn’s voice was firm and Poe flinched slightly, pulling away from Finn. “Stop that. You don’t have to feel guilty or sorry or anything. And you know it.”

Poe pressed his lips tightly together, remembering full well what he himself had told Finn that day on Jakku. “I just don’t know what else to say,” he mumbled, breathing in Finn’s scent and trailing his lips along Finn’s jaw. It felt so good to be touching him… so good that he was on the verge of losing his mind over this single gesture.

“I’m aware…” he heard Finn say, his breath hot in Poe’s ear. Automatically Poe pulled him closer with his leg, their torsos touching, their bodies separated by nothing but their clothes and Poe couldn’t help but respond to this sudden closeness. That familiar tugging sensation deep down made his throat tight all of a sudden, but he didn’t stop, turning the soft stroking of his lips into kisses.

A soft, barely audible moan from Finn was all the encouragement he needed. Willing to just forget, to get his mind as far away from this place as possible, at least for a few stolen blissful minutes, he let his hand trail over Finn’s chest, his thumb gently caressing the nipple underneath the firm fabric. Finn’s breathing quickened and Poe felt him press his hips against his own. “Finn,” Poe whispered hoarsely, letting his lips wander down Finn’s neck as he lifted the shirt Finn was wearing to slide his hand underneath, revelling in the heat emanating from Finn’s body. Heat ready to consume him there and then.

“Don’t.”

That one sound was enough to make Poe stop. He could still feel Finn pressed tightly against him, could feel the growing need against his own, but he pulled back, only to see the devastating look in Finn’s eyes, which stood in stark contrast to the sad smile on Finn’s lips.

“I want to…” Finn muttered, raising a hand to let his fingertips brush over Poe’s temple. “But not like this.” His voice was still hoarse and Poe closed his eyes, regretting that he had let it go this far. Finn would go now, he was certain of it. He had ruined it… all of it. Whatever this was… whatever this could possibly be. “You’re hurting and I don’t want it to happen just because you need comfort.”

Poe nodded slightly and looked back up at Finn. He understood. And he knew what Finn meant. “I do…” Poe whispered. “And I didn’t want to pressure you. I apologize.”

Shaking his head, Finn pressed his lips to Poe’s forehead again, the chaste gesture  almost betraying the message Poe read in his hardening member. “It’s fine…” Finn muttered, letting go of Poe to turn on his back. His arm still around Poe, he pulled him close. “Don’t get me wrong, this is very tempting…”

Poe couldn’t suppress a laugh now and he kissed Finn’s shoulder in an attempt to stifle it at least. “Well thank you…”

Finn’s shoulder shook beneath Poe’s lips and as Poe looked up, their eyes met, cutting off both their laughs. There was a sincerity in Finn’s gaze that literally stole Poe’s breath away. He barely knew this man and yet he had this effect on him.

“I mean it,” Finn whispered, reaching up to brush his hand through Poe’s hair. A gesture that brought tears to Poe’s eyes almost immediately and he knew exactly why Finn refused him like this: he wasn’t in the right state of mind.

Poe nodded slowly and wrapped his right arm around Finn’s torso, putting his head on Finn’s shoulder and doing his best to ignore the effect Finn was having on him. “I started it…” he muttered, feeling his eyes burning again while the warmth of Finn’s body was seeping into his own skin.

“Don’t you dare take the credit for that!” Finn retorted, pulling Poe closer again, his hand on Poe’s back. “I was the one who wouldn’t leave _you_ alone! Don’t forget that!”

Poe smirked despite himself, pressing his nose against Finn’s neck, breathing in the scent of someone warm. Someone caring. Someone he didn’t really deserve. “Why?” he asked, enjoying the sensation of Finn’s fingertips stroking him between the shoulder blades.

“I wish I knew… you’re different somehow… I guess that’s it. The others I’ve been with… they weren’t as … as caring I suppose. You cared… about my team anyway. I guess that’s it.”

Poe nodded slightly, his throat getting tight again. “I do care…” he muttered. “Not all the time, but I do care about the people on my side of this war… the ones _by_ my side. Too much so by the looks of it. Can’t be good.” He shut his eyes, doing his best to prevent tears from blurring his vision, even when he knew that no tears would come. He felt all dried up. Like a well that had been drained of its last drop of water years ago.

“I think it’s good,” Finn said, a sadness in his voice that made Poe’s heart contract painfully and Poe wondered who Finn had been with before, a sudden jealousy flaring up inside of him. “I care too much as well, I think…”

Poe’s lips twitched in a half smile as he remembered Finn pushing his mother so she landed in his arms and he had the chance to hold her at least for a second. Finn had given it to him. This one second no one else could have given him. The one gift that could never be taken away from him ever again. “Not ideal in our current situation,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and muffled by Finn’s shoulder. All the tension had left his body. He hadn’t even felt it ebbing away.

“No.” Finn’s answer was enough to twist his guts.

It implied so much… so much he had been feeling himself these last few weeks. So much he didn’t dare think about. Not even now. And yet he felt the words working their way around his tongue and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop them. He didn’t even want to… “I can’t do this anymore…” He barely heard the words himself, but he felt them. Each and every one of them, pulsing through his veins. And he remembered holding her. Feeling her dry skin on his lips. Hearing her screams. Seeing the desperation in her eyes from the holo from thirty years ago. He remembered Kafr standing next to him on that bridge two years before, when Morap had almost been killed. He remembered the gratitude he had felt towards Kafr. For giving him this life. For helping him every step of the way if he could. For promoting him to the rank of Major… and that gratefulness turned into something else. Something so violent, it was as if someone had thrown a punch at him, breaking all the bones in his body with one single hit.

“What else is there to do…” he heard Finn say. This wasn’t a question, Poe realized. A statement that was so much more than a trace of doubt. “Where else is there to go?”

Poe remembered. He had asked this question once but unlike last time it wasn’t fear of that nothingness that was pulling at his insides. Not cowardice twisting his guts, but something else. Something that was making his heart beat faster and driving the fuzziness from his mind. It was as if he was seeing clearly for the first time in his life. “We… I…” he stammered, forcing himself to lift his head and stare down into that face he hadn’t known for a very long time. They weren’t nearly as familiar with each other as he and Morap had been, but there was no denying that something was different this time.

He was hurting.

He was breaking.

Falling apart and yet at the same time something was keeping him together and it was nothing else but the tenderness in Finn’s eyes. The firmly set lips and the furrowed brow.

Finn nodded slowly. “Together…” Finn muttered. “Maybe… maybe we could do it together.”

 

Definite plans had been impossible to make. Finn had refused to talk about it, but the very fact that he stayed with Poe through the night, holding him, kissing him every now and then, making Poe’s heart race and break at the same time, over and over again, was all Poe needed. He was sure this time that Finn wouldn’t betray him. That Finn wouldn’t leave him. Things were different now.

            Every step he took, every single one of them seemed to be reverberating through his entire being. Looking at his colleagues; talking with them during meal times was hard. Pretending to be alright around Meelan was torture. Every time he talked to the man who had been his best friend for such a long time, he heard his mother’s screams. He saw her lips whispering his name and he felt the shock of it all breaking him all over again. The worst times were the nights. All he could do then was curl up in his cold, narrow bed, shut his eyes as tightly as possible and breathe away the pain that shouldn’t even be there. At least he didn’t feel lost anymore. Despite losing everything he had worked for and believed in all his life with one single stroke, he didn’t feel lost. Not even for a moment. Not since Finn had spoken those few words.

            _Maybe… maybe we could do it together._

            It was hard finding times they could be together. In fact, three days passed before Poe found himself standing in an elevator on his way to yet another team meeting, a squadron of Stormtroopers to his right and Meelan on his left, before he felt a hand close around his own. Poe didn’t turn his head, but he knew at once that it was Finn standing there next to him. It would have looked suspicious had Finn appeared at his door the day after they had spent the entire night together. They didn’t want to appear too attached to each other, so another meeting was out of the question for at least a week, Finn had told him and Poe had agreed. If they really wanted to do this. If they wanted to get away, they needed to plan ahead and not arouse any more suspicion by making it clear to everyone that they were more attached to each other than they already were. The memory of Finn’s hand around his for that brief moment was all that kept him going for the rest of the day, when every face he looked into reminded him forcibly of what had happened here… how everyone, literally every single person he worked with was connected to this entity that had not only killed his mother, but was also responsible for Finn losing his comrades. They were the enemy now and he himself couldn’t even rid himself of that guilt. He was part of it. Part of this monster, this leviathan about to rise and strike, lashing out at whatever stood in its way and it made him sick.

            Sitting in the officer’s lounge, sipping his tea and listening to the two women on his right talking about the possibilities the new class of Star Destroyers would open up, Poe did his best to swallow the nausea eating away at him. The tea was strong, but not nearly strong enough to his liking. Only a few days ago, he would have gladly joined their conversation, but now… now all he could do was nod occasionally and throw a weak smile in Meelan’s direction as he entered the lounge. They hadn’t talked about Poe’s outburst again and Meelan didn’t even seem to hold it against him, but Poe was careful not to let Meelan see how scared he was. Scared of his former friend. Meelan had this particular talent of being able to read people, which meant that now, right at this precise moment, when Poe wished for nothing more than to be able to hold Finn’s hand once again and keep holding it for as long as possible, Meelan was his worst enemy.

And still he got up. Just like he would have done before his life had started falling apart. As if he still trusted Meelan and didn’t feel like breaking his nose just for the satisfaction of seeing him bleed.

            “A message just reached us,” Meelan said, sipping his caf and sitting down at the bar. “Looks like one of our capital Star Destroyers was destroyed by the Resistance.”

            Poe’s stomach tightened. He raised his eyebrow and sat down next to Meelan. “How do we know?”

            Meelan shrugged. “Special Forces TIE-fighter pilot managed to get away,” Meelan answered. “She commed in as soon as she could. I was there when the message reached us. The General and Ren are talking to Snoke as we speak.”

            Poe nodded, fighting hard to keep his breathing as normal as possible. This meant trouble. It had to. The First Order would not stand for this. “What happened?” he asked, not looking at Meelan.

            “The _Fortifier_ was to intercept a shipment of materials we could very well use, but the Resistance got wind of that somehow and they were lying in ambush.”

            Poe pressed his lips together. The Resistance had always been troublesome for the Order, but now, after they had already failed to obtain the map to Skywalker, the Order would strike. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and he took a sip from his mug to hide his face at least for a second. “Looks like the war is about to start openly then,” he mumbled, as the light above the door was switched on, alerting all officers present to the highest defcon level. It was as if his stomach had sagged to his knees and he got up slowly to look at his comm. The order was as plain as it was simple to follow. He was to organise the defence of the base in case of imminent attack. This could only mean one thing.

            “Has the order finally come?” Meelan asked behind him and Poe nodded slightly.

“Yes,” he said, keeping his voice as calm as possible and he felt Meelan’s hand on his shoulder. Encouraging and devastating at the same time. It was as if all the time in the world had run out. As if this moment were among his last. The ground beneath him was tilting in one direction and he had no foothold on that slippery ground anymore. He had to either jump on to the next cliff without knowing what awaited him there, or fall.

“Well, we’d better get to work, right?” Meelan gave his shoulder a squeeze and then walked past him, joining the other officers on their way to their stations. Poe didn’t even hesitate to follow them, holding his datapad close to his chest, his hands already wet with sweat.

His eyes were scanning his surroundings, looking feverishly for a face he wouldn’t see as he made his way towards command.

He had to follow orders, he thought.

Follow orders.

Keep his head down.

Watch it happen.

Not even attempt anything that would prevent it and get himself killed in the process.

_You better remember what your parents fought for._

There it was again. This sentence that wouldn’t get out of his head. And immediately it combined with the mental image of the thin woman lying on that table, her voice inaudible as her lips formed the only name she had left in this whole unforgiving galaxy. The only name by her side. His gut twisted painfully as he kept walking and his thoughts were racing, trying desperately to find a way out of this. A way he could never find.

Poe turned his head as he was passing a unit of Stormtroopers, keeping a lookout for one of them to step out of line and walk next to him… no such luck. Poe swallowed hard as he walked towards the lift, the two women he had sat next to, to his left, when he caught a glimpse of something white flashing in a maintenance corridor to his right. Without pausing, he turned right, as if this was exactly what he was supposed to do and he heaved a relieved sigh, when he found that his gut feeling hadn’t betrayed him. Not two feet away from him was Finn, helmet already off, face wet with sweat. He looked like he had been running to this place.

“How did you know where to find me?” Poe whispered in a hushed voice, stepping towards Finn, a sudden wave of affection rushing through him that took him completely off guard. He reached out towards Finn, touching his arms and feeling nothing but the cold duroplast of his armour.

Finn shrugged, his lips twitching into a grimace. “Just a hunch,” he mumbled, as footsteps upon footsteps rushed by on their way to carry out the orders that would soon follow.           “Poe, what the hell is going on.”

Poe cursed, pulling the command cap off his head and brushing a hand through his hair. “They are going to fire the weapon,” he muttered hoarsely. “I can’t believe they are actually doing this I-“

“Well what _were_ you expecting?!” Finn snapped louder than was safe.

Poe flinched, looking up into those eyes which stared back at him almost accusingly. He nodded slowly. Yes… Finn was right. He had to stay focused. He had to think straight. The time to jump was almost there and the only thing keeping him going was the man standing right opposite him. This almost stranger whom he trusted like no one else. They were in this together and they both knew it. The determination in Finn’s gaze was almost tangible. The First Order was about to cross a line and neither of them was prepared to go along with it. Poe knew deep inside that if he went down that road now, he would lose everything, even if he didn’t know what exactly this _everything_ was. What did he have? What was left to him anymore? Nothing… nothing but Finn. Finn, whose hands on his waist were trembling.

And that was all it took. All it took for Poe to put his hand on the back of Finn’s neck and pull him close again, to press his lips against Finn’s, to lose himself in this moment they didn’t have. Finn responded in kind, one hand grabbing a fistful of Poe’s tunic, his other arm wrapping around his waist. Pulling him close, Finn returned the kiss with a determination which took Poe completely off guard.

Stumbling backwards, he felt himself pressed against the wall, Finn so crowding in close. So overwhelmingly close, in fact, that his heart skipped several beats, before he could move again. Brushing his hands over Finn’s hair, he held back a soft moan as Finn’s lips parted his own to intensify the kiss.

Only the sound of an alarm, still relatively quiet but present nonetheless, ended the kiss. Poe didn’t open his eyes, just kept standing there, wrapped in Finn’s arms; Finn’s breath was hot on his skin and his heart pumping so heavily he could feel every single beat in his toes.

Poe opened his eyes again. Their lips were still so close, Poe could almost feel the tension; the need to do it all over again. But there was no time for that now.

“Can you fly a TIE-fighter?”

It was the last question Poe had expected and despite the fear slowly starting to claw away at his insides again, making his knees grow week, he couldn’t help but laugh, as the alarm became louder, alerting everyone to go to their stations. He had to give orders to his team. Prepare them for what was to come. He couldn’t arouse suspicion. Not now. Not now that he needed them occupied.

“I can’t fly anything,” Poe replied after a moment, gasping for air. “I haven’t flown anything in my life! Only in simulations and that hardly counts!”

Finn shook his head, his eyes showing Poe the same determination as before. His trust in Poe hadn’t wavered and Poe’s heart leapt at the very thought.

Poe took a deep breath. Now… now was the time to do it.

“We're gonna do this.” He grinned.

Time to jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh... Happy New Year btw!


	13. Reckless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And huge thanks to [Topographical Map of Utah](http://topographical-map-of-utah.tumblr.com/) for that "well shit"-moment!

** Chapter 13 **

_Reckless_

 

The letters flashing in front of his eyes made breathing easier. The order was sent and received by his team. He had announced his delay to the others, telling them to begin the preparations on their own. After the weapon was fired, their location would be betrayed to the Republic and the Resistance both. It wouldn’t take too long for their enemies to launch a counter attack and they had to be ready for that. Hopefully he and Finn would be long gone by then.

            Poe stopped in his tracks when he felt Finn’s gloved hand on his elbow. “What?” he asked quietly, hoping that the surveillance teams weren’t working at full capacity now that the weapon was about to be fired and they should be busy preparing its launch.

            “I just got a new set of orders.” Finn said. Hearing his voice distorted through the helmet made Poe’s insides clench. He could only hope that soon he’d be able to hear his real voice whenever he wanted. “The Stormtroopers are supposed to line up for assembly outside.”

            “All of them?” Poe’s knees were growing weak. It was the only reaction his body was showing at what was going on now. He leaned back against the lift’s wall, bracing himself for the next few vital minutes.

            Finn nodded. “They’ll notice if I don’t show up. They will know something is up.”

            Poe took another look at his data pad and disconnecting it from the main computer. He still had the files from the new class of Star Destroyers on there. Maybe those would come in useful at some point. Only seven minutes had passed since the order to get to their stations had reached them. Seven minutes and his whole life had been flipped upside down again. He gave himself a moment to breathe, then he shoved the data pad into the inside of his tunic and turned to look at Finn with a crooked smile on his lips.

            His heartbeat had slowed down somehow. The fear and the desperation that had governed his every step since his mother’s death had vanished within a second after deciding to take this one chance that would either take him away from this place forever or end his life.

            “Why are you smiling like this?” Finn asked, agitation clearly audible in his voice. “This isn’t funny.”

            “No.” Poe shook his head. “It isn’t.”

            The lift came to an abrupt halt and Poe stepped out into the corridor leading towards one of the minor hangars. And now it was time for the show to begin. He squared his shoulders and forced himself not to smile at Finn again, as he strode into the direction of the hangar, nodding briefly at the TIE-pilots walking past them. The hangar itself was almost abandoned. Not the perfect scenario given what they wanted to do here now. They were too exposed with the hangar in this state. The whole base was on high alert; all eyes trained on something else, but this could still go horribly wrong if they slipped even one bit. What he had to do now, Poe reminded himself, was act as though he belonged here. As if nothing was wrong. He could always say that he was merely here to inspect the Special Forces TIE-fighters personally. Not a good excuse, but it would pass. No one had doubted his authority yet.

            He heard Finn mutter something under his breath behind him and it took a moment for him to register what it was. “Okay…” Finn said. “Stay calm. Stay calm.”

            “I am calm,” Poe answered in a normal tone of voice, while he kept his eyes fixed straight ahead and his pace as inconspicuous as possible.

            “I’m talking to myself.”

            He couldn’t help but turn around at this, looking back at the Stormtrooper walking behind him like an escort and holding his blaster rifle at the ready. Poe snorted. “Could you be more confident in what we’re doing here, please?” he asked, raising his eyebrow and taking out his datapad, when they arrived at one of the launching racks. “Let’s go,” he mumbled under his breath, pretending to be checking something on his pad and then strolling leisurely to the back of the TIE-fighter rack. Slowly and deliberately Poe stepped up to the control panel embedded in the wall.

            Despite his earlier declaration of calmness his arms were as heavy as lead as he raised them to enter the command code that would disengage the fighter from the rest of the rack, but his fingers were numb, their tips barely registering the cold surface of the buttons they were pressing. His mind was racing, forcing him to close his eyes and compose himself for a moment so he could at least try to _appear_ calm. He had never flown a ship in his life. Simulations and steering a speeder were all the experience he had to show for and consequentially the task ahead seemed impossible. How was he supposed to actually fly one of these things? He was no pilot! He was a tactician and-

            That was it, he told himself, taking a deep, steadying breath. He knew exactly what he had to expect from this base and the Order. He knew how they operated and he knew,                                                                                          at least in theory, what he had to do in order to avoid being shot down straight away.

            At least by now they were out of sight, he told himself. And no one was expecting a single TIE to make a run for it.

            “Are you okay?” Finn’s hand at the small of his back startled and steadied him at the same time.

            “Yes,” Poe answered, looking at Finn as the clamps released the Special Forces TIE-fighter they were standing in front of now. “No going back now.” And he didn’t want to. This place wasn’t home anymore and if he was honest with himself, this place had never been that. “Let’s go.” They had no time to waste. The code sequence Poe had keyed in would have already alerted someone up in the control room. If they were lucky, this would merely count as a malfunction. Still, they had to hurry up.

            The inside of the TIE was a lot smaller than he had expected, suffocatingly so even. Poe threw a look over his shoulder to see Finn settling down in the rear gunner’s seat. He had left the helmet behind and Poe was grateful for it. Not only were the viewscreens inside the helmets not made to serve a gunner in a space battle, but this also meant that for whatever amount of time they had left, Finn would be without that horrid mask.

            Taking another deep breath, Poe turned to look at the instruments and ignored the stabbing sensation in his chest as he thought of the day Morap had run off on him. He too had stolen a ship of the First Order and had blasted on the _Starburst’s_ turbo-lasers to dust before jumping to hyperspace with those he had convinced to join him. Poe still couldn’t believe he had decided to walk down the same road as his former lover and- but now was not the time! The time for thought would come later, if they were lucky…

            The layout in front of him was instantly recognizable and he felt a weight drop off his shoulders as he realized that they didn’t differ too much from the TIEs he had flown in simulation during his training at the Academy. Simulations… not the real thing… never the real thing…

The control column to his left felt alien in his hand, as he started the engines, the top hatch closing on them automatically. The small control panel on his right was the one used for the hyperdrive… the navcomputer… he would to set that as soon as he could to get away from here.

            “Can you shoot?” Poe asked to distract himself as he fully released the TIE from its docking station.

            “Blasters I can!”

            Poe nodded. “Fair enough- sorry! Of course you can!” His palms were slick with sweat as he looked out the viewport and the comm started crackling.

            “Special Forces TIE-fighter ZERO-EIGHT-ZERO-SEVEN! You do not have permission for take-off. Shut down the engines immediately and get out of the starfighter!” A more or less familiar voice said and it took Poe a moment to realize who the person on the other end was. Pallaeon. The guy who had tried to chat him up back on the _Finalizer_.

            Poe shuddered and didn’t reply. It was very likely they’d run his voice through a couple of recognition channels and figure out who the person steering the fighter was. With a single motion, he cut off the comm connection and started the TIE. Immediately he felt himself being thrown back against his seat, as he watched the main hangar of Starkiller base swoosh by. The TIE shook and veered slightly to the left.

            “They’re firing at us!” Finn shouted, driving Poe’s hands to move faster, turning on the deflector shield generator and urging the fighter to speed up.

            “No kidding,” Poe hissed through clenched teeth, as they shot out of the main hangar. He pulled the control column towards him, immediately realizing that it didn’t even weigh remotely as much as he had anticipated, and throwing the TIE up into the air much faster than he wanted to. Already he could feel his stomach twisting violently, but he also felt something else. Something he hadn’t fully expected.. elation… elation at seeing the clouds draw ever nearer.

            “Poe?! What are you doing!?”

            “What?”

            “Don’t fly in a straight line, you idiot!”

            Poe gulped, as he saw a bright green laser beam run past them. “Right! Sorry! Get ready to fire! The Destroyer in orbit is probably already preparing to shoot us down.” Heart racing, Poe made sure to heed Finn’s warning and veer from left to right in unpredictable patterns. The _Finalizer_ was still near Starkiller, undergoing maintenance, as far as Poe knew, but he was also fairly sure that, while the base itself couldn’t aim well at one lone starfighter rushing to get _away_ from it, instead of _at_ it, the Star Destroyer looming threateningly above them was better equipped at shooting them down.

            “Stop apologizing and get us out of here! There are five TIEs coming straight at us!”

            “I see them!” Poe muttered under his breath, consulting his instruments and seeing them emerging from the hangar they themselves had just started from. Now it was only a matter of seconds, before the _Finalizer_ launched theirs.

            Cursing, Poe threw the TIE into a sharp left turn, ignoring the sensation of his stomach being twisted around itself, forming a lump that expanded as soon as he pushed through the atmosphere. He barely even dared taking his right hand off the controls and starting up the navcomputer, when he heard Finn curse and immediately the laser cannons went off, firing at something behind them. Poe’s finger slipped and all of a sudden his viewscreen had turned black.

            “No!” His right hand trembled, as he held it up, not daring to push another button. “Nononononono!”

            “What!?”

            “I dunno!”

            “POE!”

            “FINN!”

            “DO SOMETHING!”

            Poe shut is eyes. Gave himself half a second to breathe, as the proximity warning sounded shrill in his ears and Finn fired the laser cannons again. Opening his eyes Poe pushed the button closest to the navcomputer and the screen of the viewport turned back to normal and Poe felt his heart drop. The command bridge of the _Finalizer_ was so close, he could practically see the inside of it. Almost ripping the control column from its socket, Poe turned the TIE up again, almost scraping the Destroyer’s hull.

            Finn’s heavy breathing behind him did nothing to calm his nerves. Nothing whatsoever. “Three more coming in!”

            “Yeah, I’m on it! Just keep firing!”

            “Great idea! I wouldn’t have thought of that myself!”

            Snorting, Poe did his best to keep the TIE moving as another set of laser beams shot past them. This was so different from being stuck in a model TIE, flying through fake space, shooting down X-Wings… Reaching the side of the Destroyer, he had to remind himself not to go underneath so the tractor beams wouldn’t get a lock on them, but this way they were so unbelievably close to the turrets… He swung the TIE to the right. “Aim at those turrets over there!” He shouted, as three more TIEs shot out from underneath the Destroyer.

            Finn didn’t respond to that but his aim was accurate and on point. Poe veered the fighter to the right to avoid fiery debris of one of their former comrades Finn had shot down. Poe’s throat tightened at the thought. Those people they were fighting weren’t part of the problem, he knew… he shoved the thought away and as Finn took out a set of laser cannons and another TIE right at their back, Poe shot away from the _Finalizer_ and his fingers moved over to the navcomputer at once.

More laser beams skidding past them, making Poe flinch.

The Destroyer’s exhaust engines right at their back.

The stars flashing past them.

His heart thumping violently in his chest…

            There! The navcomputer was done with calculations! Without hesitating, Poe pulled the lever starting up the hyperdrive. As the stars started fading into blurred lines and the seeming peace of hyperspace sucked them in, space turning into a whirlwind of blue and white, Poe leaned back against his seat.

            Finn’s quiet laugh teased a smile out of him. “We did it!” Finn said and Poe could hear the grin in his voice. “Well done, Colonel!”

            “Shut up!” Poe laughed, reaching behind him. “Yeah, we did.” Their hands met halfway. He gave Finn’s fingers a short squeeze. “I’d love to kiss you right now…”

            Finn returned the soft pressure. “Same…” His voice was deeper than Poe had ever heard it and he shut his eyes, trying to calm his violently beating heart. “We’ll do that once we land right?”

            “You bet.” Poe heaved another sigh. How had Morap felt in this situation? How had Morap felt about killing the pilots in the TIEs he had shot down? He had been on their side for most of his life, had even trained with them and now? Where was he? How was he doing?

            “I’m no expert, but that was some nice flying you did there.”

            “Nice shooting, too.” He knew that he wasn’t a great pilot. He had almost flown them straight into the Destroyer’s command bridge. That was nothing if not stupid. But Finn… Finn was the hero! The one who had gotten the TIEs off their backs and had disabled the _Finalizer’s_ laser turrets.

            “I guess we make a good team?”

            Poe nodded. “I guess we do.” His heart did an unprecedented leap at the thought and he gave Finn’s hand another squeeze, before letting go, the unused angle getting to him. Being confined like this was not something he would get used to easily, but at least they had their lives to show for it. They were free.

            “Where are we going?”

            Poe shrugged, eyes still closed. “Just a couple of systems over to throw them off our trail. Don’t want them figuring out where we’re going judging from the vector we took. Luckily these things are too small and cheap to even consider putting a homing beacon in.” He paused for a moment, letting the silence wash over him. “For now, I’m just happy we’re still alive.”

            “Yeah, well… “ Finn trailed off and Poe nodded solemnly, wishing for nothing more than Finn’s hand back in his.

            “I know,” he said, unable to express the sudden weight pressing down on his chest in any other way. They had just killed their own people. People who were trapped in the Order, just like he and Finn had been, maybe even still were. From now on they’d have to run from the First Order or fight it.

            There was no middle ground. 

And even though just thinking about what was about to happen to the galaxy at the hands of the Order, now that Starkiller was about to launch a lethal strike against the Resistance, Poe couldn’t find it in him to fight those he had once considered family. Even after all they had done to him.

“How are you doing?” Poe asked, wondering if Finn felt the same way. Bonds among Stormtroopers were bound to be strong as well. After all Finn had talked, at least once, about being with one of them occasionally.

“Fine, I guess. Like you said: we’re still alive. That ought to count for something.”

“Probably… any idea of what we’re going to do now?”

“No.” 

A sigh was the only answer he got from Finn for a couple of minutes and Poe was eternally grateful to Finn for not suggesting to join the Resistance or something like that. They would never find it in time to stop the First Order.

A slight beeping sound broke the silence between them and it took Poe a moment to realize that this meant they were approaching their destination. So far they had merely jumped to coordinates close to the Outer Rim, but where they’d go from there, Poe didn’t know. He pushed the lever away from his body and paused to take in the vastness of space enveloping them. The emptiness seemed dangerously close and threatening, staring back at him silently like a predator about to jump on its prey. They were at the edge of a minor, unimportant and uninhabited system, the gas giant close by almost taking up most of his entire view screen.

Poe opened a program on the navcomputer and the viewscreen in front of him turned black again to make him distinguish the small dots representing stars better. The maps this TIE was equipped with only barely covered the most prominent planets in the galaxy. No big surprise there. Skimming over the map, Poe felt his insides churn.

“It’s happening.” Finn’s rough voice pulled him out of his contemplation of whether or not they could actually attempt going to the core worlds in a stolen TIE.

“What is?” Poe closed the holo map and the viewscreen turned back to reveal the green bluish orb in front of them, but the violent red streak cutting through the blackness beyond it could not be hidden by it. Poe stomach tightened, as he watched the beam rush through subspace to a planetary system he couln’t even see.

“How did you know?” he rasped, unable to look over his shoulder at Finn, who was after all facing the other way.

“I don’t know.” Finn’s voice was close to his ear now and Poe knew that the other had turned around in his seat. “Just did…”

“This is…” Poe couldn’t even finish the sentence as he kept staring at the beam that might destroy thousands of lives at this very moment. The Resistance was done for. Had Hux found out where the Resistance base was after all? Was Morap about to die?

And then, all of a sudden, the beam was gone, instead creating a small red star in a place far away that flared up once and then died just as quickly as it had appeared. Poe couldn’t even breathe. Watching it happen, being this helpless in the face of such destruction at the hands of his own people made him want to throw up. Yes, he had seen the necessity of the base being made operational… as a threat to the Republic. To scare them just the right amount to keep them far away…. but actually using it? Only now did he realize how stupid he had been to push the thought away from him every single time it had crept up on him like a shadowy figure of truth. And now he was the one responsible for its strong defence! His throat tightened and not even Finn’s hand on his shoulder managed to ease his breathing. It had taken his mother dying at the hands of his own people to shake him awake… and he had told himself that there had been nothing he could have done to stop it… but there could have.

Closing his eyes he could still see the red glaring beam of destruction ripping through subspace on its way to blow out thousands, if not millions of lives. He should have listened to Morap. He should have started thinking on his own sooner. He should have… what? Betrayed his friends to the Resistance?

Poe pressed his lips tightly together and opened his eyes again. Turning his head, he saw tears staining Finn’s face so close to his own and the sight made it easier to breathe somehow. He wasn’t alone anymore, he told himself again. He had someone at his side who felt the same way as he did. Poe reached up to brush his thumb over Finn’s cheek. “Shall we go?” he asked, wondering what the hell they were to do with their lives now.

Finn nodded. “Let’s sell this thing to the first bidder and get as far away from the Order as we can.”

With a pained smile on his face, Poe turned around in his own seat, almost bumping his head on the canopy and took Finn’s face in his hand. “Let’s…” he mumbled, before leaning in.

 


	14. Life Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be smut ;) So this chapter may not be sfw!

** Chapter 14 **

_Life Day_

 

The lights twinkling softly in the dark were distracting to say the least. The landing lights had been hard to see and his armpits were wet with sweat. Flying a TIE was one thing, landing it, something else entirely. And still they could call themselves lucky to be cleared for landing at all, given they were flying a First Order vessel. But then again, Kaddak was a planet that belonged neither to the Republic nor the First Order, so what did the people here care who landed here? One TIE didn’t mean trouble for anyone after all.

He shut off the engines and leaned back against his seat. Poe blinked and took a deep breath. “Ready to get out of this monstrosity?” he asked. They had spent the last two days stuck in this small space and Poe couldn’t wait to get out of this thing. Finn had managed to get rid of his armour at some point, so he had to be at least a bit more comfortable than he had been when they both had first crammed themselves inside.

“You have no idea…”

Poe nodded and started checking that he had indeed turned off all the systems, while he saw an oversized bald human walking towards them through the viewport. He paused for a moment and closed his uniform tunic again. “Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you put on your armour again? Just this once, I want that guy to take us for First Order. He might give us a better price for this thing if he doesn’t think we’re on the run from someone.”

“And how the hell are we getting off this planet if you sell our ship?”

Poe shrugged. “I don’t know… somehow. But you do realize that we don’t have any credits to pay the landing fee, right?”

A sigh. “Fine!” Finn said grudgingly. “But the helmet is gone and I’m happy about that, alright?”

Poe couldn’t help but chuckle. “Alright. I’m glad you’re not wearing it anymore to be honest. Your voice sounded kind of creepy through the voice coder.”

Finn scoffed. “This may take a moment…” he mumbled and Poe nodded. The bald man had already reached the TIE and was looking up at it with a scowl on his face. A droid brought a ladder and as soon as it was docked onto the hull, Poe got up and pushed the canopy open. “Follow me as soon as you can, okay? I’ll try to get us a nice deal.”

“Go ahead…” Finn muttered grudgingly as he snapped on the leg armour. “This’ll be another minute at least.”

“Fine by me,” Poe winked down at him, grabbed the blaster hidden beneath the canopy and put it in the waistband of his pants before letting the tunic fall over it. “Take your time, buddy.”

            It didn’t take too much effort lifting himself out of the TIE, but the icy air whipping him straight in the face made him wish for his coat… of course he couldn’t have brought _that_ with him, but for a moment he wished he’d had the time. He took a gulp of air nonetheless, happy to finally breathe something other than filtered artificial atmosphere for two whole days. Long space travels were far from convenient in starfighters, he concluded, hoping not to be forced to do this again anytime soon.

            He immediately saw the man’s face drop as he spotted Poe in his teal coloured Colonel’s uniform. This was something at least, Poe thought and put on his most serious frown as he stepped onto the ladder and climbed down as gracefully as was humanly possible with his limbs feeling as rusty as they did. Through his viewport, he could still see Finn trying to put on his armour as quickly as possible.

            “What’s the First Order doing here?” he heard the man say in a high-pitched voice that didn’t at all fit his appearance and almost made Poe want to start laughing out loud.

            “I do not see why that would be any of your business,” Poe said as soon as he reached the tarmac and folded his hands behind his back, glad to see that the man was smaller than him as well.

            The man furrowed his brow and Poe knew immediately that he didn’t not care much about being bullied around, but was sure as hell not going to start picking a fight with someone from the First Order in case he had back up waiting for him up in the outer atmosphere. “Well, what can I do for you then. How long will you be staying here?”

            Poe wrinkled his nose the way he had seen Hux do it on numerous occasions whenever something in a meeting didn’t go as planned. “I want you to buy this TIE off me. I need to get off world again as quickly as possible and this can simply won’t do it! We ran into some trouble a couple of systems over-“

            “Why aren’t you wearing a flight suit then, Mister Big Shot!” The man moved to the left, trying to see inside the viewport and Poe grabbed him by the arm, applying more force than necessary.

            “I _said_ ”, he hissed, “it is _none_ of your business!” He bent over the man and pushed him away forcefully. “You will _not_ question the First Order!” Already he was feeling beads of sweat trickling down his spine, making him shiver in the cold wind, but this one action seemed to have bought him some time. This was getting risky, he knew, but they had to get away from here as quickly as possible, preferably with a couple of credits from a sale.

            The man stumbled backward and Poe could see him fumbling for his blaster. A single red bolt of laser fire shot past Poe, sizzling the wet ground beneath the man’s feet. “Don’t even think about it!” Finn shouted.

            Poe did his best to look like he knew this would happen, but he was glad Finn was there with him, watching his back, while at the same time he was wondering how many security cameras were trained on them right now and what it would take for the man’s bodyguards to sweep in on them.

            Nostrils flaring and face flushed in a violent shade of purple, the man let his hands fall again and he folded his arms. “And now what?”

            “Listen, I know you’re going to sell us out and give this TIE to the highest bidder. Why don’t you cut us in to your profit and we can all part as friends.”

            The man bit down on his lip and Poe could practically see his mind working on what to do next. All the while Poe’s heart was pounding in his ears and he had to practically force himself to keep his hands clasped firmly behind his back. He wasn’t even feeling the cold anymore while he could only hope for the man to buy their story, or at least let them get out of here in one piece.

            With a snarl, the man shrugged and waved at someone hidden in the circular structure they had landed in. So they hadn’t been alone this time after all. Poe wouldn’t have thought they were, but this meant at least that no one had taken Finn’s threat all too seriously so no one was going to pounce on them now. They were taking them for the First Order people they were pretending to be. Good enough.

 

It hadn’t taken the man more than a couple of minutes to negotiate the sale. Finn guarding the TIE with his blaster certainly gave the impression of him having the upper hand, since he could at any time shoot the inside of the craft and end the discussion permanently. The man was sure as hell going to sell the Starfighter to the Resistance or the Republic first chance he got and both were surely more willing to pay an exorbitant amount of credits for it, if it remained intact. In the end, Poe walked away from the landing platform with more credits in his pockets than he had ever held in his life and he knew, he just _knew_ that they’d be able to afford buying a miniscule freighter with it. Maybe that would be where they should head next… the next spaceport to get away from this place before either the First Order or the Resistance caught up on them… but then both they and the ship they might acquire would be easy to track…

            Stepping into the streets of Kaddak, cold wind still blowing in their faces, Poe turned halfway to look at Finn, who had to be better protected from the wintry air in his Stormtrooper armour than Poe was in his flimsy tunic. The barely visible smile on Finn’s lips made Poe’s heart flutter. They still weren’t far enough away from the landing pad to talk openly he knew, and the people hurrying past them on the street to get to a different, warmer place as quickly as possible, barely provided enough cover, but he still returned the smile. “Shall we?”

            As they started walking into a random direction, the people around them keeping their distance from them, Poe couldn’t help but think that it was high time for them to shed their First Order costumes, because that was all their clothes were now… costumes. He turned a corner, wondering how many suspicious eyes had followed them. The alley he had turned into was lit by what appeared to be hundreds of tiny lights.

“What’s up with those?” Finn asked beside him, as they slowly made their way into the alley, where only a handful of shop owners of various species held booths. “Not very efficient, is it?!

Poe grinned and shook his head. “Not really… but I think it’s Life Day… or it’s going to be soon. Looks like not even the lawless world of Kaddak is free from it.”

“Lawless world of Kaddak.” Finn snorted. “Good choice. Really.”

Shrugging, Poe walked on, keeping a lookout for a stand from which they might get more efficient concealment. “Well, we can keep our heads down here for a day or two at least, before we do anything else. We both need a break after that trip, wouldn’t you say?”

Finn nodded grudgingly. He hadn’t complained once during the flight, probably not used to being allowed to do that, and Poe had kept his silence about the discomfort as well. After a couple of hours, circulation in their extremities had become a bit of a problem for the both of them and Finn had guided Poe through a couple of exercises to get him through this. Talking with Finn had been easy, just like it had always been and Poe was grateful for his company… but what would happen now that they didn’t have to rely on each other as much anymore?

A spot of green caught his eye and Poe stopped dead in his tracks in front of one of the stalls. Several items of clothing were on display here and the prices seemed to be alright. He looked over at Finn, who merely shrugged. “I don’t mind…” he said and immediately a humanoid with dry looking grey skin shot towards them and started babbling in a language Poe could barely distinguish as Huttese.

“I’m sorry!” He threw up his hands in a gesture of apology. “I don’t speak that!”

The alien gestured at the piles of clothing next to her and kept gurgling, obviously trying to impress upon Poe the quality of her second-hand products.

Poe shook his head helplessly and looked at Finn. With a shrug, Finn reached for a black and a brown tunic and held them up. “How about these?” he asked, ignoring the alien’s approving grunts. Poe nodded and reached for a pair of pants that wouldn’t be as conspicuous as the teal coloured ones he was wearing now. Two identical coats lay haphazardly beneath and without hesitating he picked those up as well. He’d worry about size later but for now they both had to hide their clothes and that was all.

“Good choice!” Poe heard the humanoid hiss. The sharp pointed teeth were stark white in contrast to the almost black lips.

Poe counted out the credits he was carrying in his pocket and placed them on the stall. By the surprised guffaw the alien gave, he knew he was paying too much. How the hell was he supposed to know what these clothes were worth on a planet like this one? He didn’t even want to think about whose corpse these had been salvaged from…

He took them quickly before he could change his mind about them and shoved one of the coats into Finn’s arms. Without looking back, he kept walking and somehow managed to shrug himself into the beige monstrosity. It was far too big on him but it did its job well. Immediately he felt warm and judging from the smell he could be fairly sure that the alien had laundered the clothes before putting them on sale after all. “Let me hold these for you,” he said, as they rounded another corner and held open his arms so Finn could give him the clothes he was carrying and wrap himself into the other coat.

“It’s really light!” Finn said surprised as he shrugged his on and closed the buttons. “Wow! And so warm.”

Poe couldn’t help but laugh at this. “It looks good on you!”, he said. “Really good.” He bit his lip, unable to say anything else. The Stormtrooper armour was now hidden beneath the thick fabric, which was making him look softer somehow.

Finn furrowed his brow. “Shut up,” he said quietly and started walking again so quickly that at first Poe had trouble catching up.

“What?! Did I say something wrong?!

“No?” It sounded like a question. Poe looked at Finn walking beside him. His long strides had receded to a slower pace. “Just…. I don’t know.”

Poe shrugged as he saw a vague smile rush over Finn’s face. “If we stay together you have to get used to the occasional compliment, I’m afraid,” he said, surprised by his own boldness. They rounded another corner and were in a larger street again, the crowds rushing by through the almost twinkling streets. He wouldn’t have thought that a planet like this could even try to look festive for any occasion. This Life Day business seemed to be a bit of a big deal, even here…

As they walked on, pushing through masses of shoppers and would-be pickpockets, keeping the clothes they had bought close to their bodies, Poe felt a weird tension creep up his right arm, starting from his fingertips.  The soft tingling sensation made them twitch and he felt unseemingly _aware_ of _them_ and also of something else.  Not the urge to whip around, draw his blaster and shoot an as of now unknown enemy, but something else entirely.

Finn.

Finn was the one he was aware of.

Finn walking by his side, not heading in any particular direction with him, but their legs carrying them through the streets to a location they both didn’t even know yet. And Poe didn’t want to ask, he realized. It was clear that they needed to look for shelter to get out of the cold as soon as possible, but for now he was alright with doing this. Just this…

His fingers started reaching out without a conscious thought. Something invisible was drawing them towards Finn and before he had even touched the other’s skin, he felt Finn’s hand close around his own. Warm and firm. Strong. He had never felt like this… so sure of himself. Of what he was doing… this was right. Even the regret of having killed those pilots vanished in the sudden haze of glory of no one caring about who he was walking along the street with. Whose hand he was holding. That he felt the need to hold someone’s hand at all!

Finn caught his eye and the grin on his face made Poe almost want to start skipping like a little kid. He squeezed Finn’s hand and as Finn stopped, he felt a sudden twinge at the pit of his stomach. Their eyes didn’t unlock for even a second, as Finn moved over to the side of the road, knocking over a pile of trash lying there and not even noticing. He pulled Poe with him, who immediately wrapped his free arm around Finn’s torso. Only now did he realize what being free of the Order could actually mean.

Yes… he had been open about his relationship to Morap when they had been on missions together, but this was so different. They didn’t have to worry about hiding whatever it was they were feeling once they got back, simply because there was no going back.

Staring straight into Finn’s eyes was all he could do and he only barely remembered to breathe. They were free. For now at least they were free. Eventually the First Order would broaden their investigation and send head-hunters after them to this world and so many others, but until then; until they had caught up to them, he and Finn were free.

“Do you want-“ Finn began and Poe interrupted his speech with a kiss that didn’t last long enough, but wasting time here probably wasn’t a great idea. If you remained stationary in the streets of a planet such as this one, you were sure as hell not going to last too long.

“To get inside? Yeah, I’d like that. Good thinking.”

Finn chuckled and his thumb moved gently over the back of Poe’s hand. The touch still feeling out of place and so infinitely right. Handholding had never been a thing between him and Morap. This was new and so strangely satisfying and intimate that he felt himself blush.

“What?"

“Let’s get inside, Dameron.”

Poe scoffed, but before he could step away from Finn, Finn had pulled him closer again, pressing their lips together and immediately Poe felt all tension leave his muscles. This was too good, too sweet to simply ignore or pull away from.

After what seemed like forever, Finn managed to do what Poe couldn’t have done. Their lips parted and at once the icy wind started biting his skin again.

His hand remained warm in Finn’s as they started making their way into the rest of the crowd again and despite his teeth chattering, Poe didn’t feel like he was freezing.

 

The room they had finally managed to rent for the next three nights belonged to an ancient hotel which must have been family owned since before the beginning of the Clone Wars. The humans owning the place had somehow managed to keep their business afloat on a planet that was ruled by an assortment of ever changing gangs and their leaders. Poe didn’t even want to know how they had managed it, but the stern look on the woman sitting in the reception area told him that she was not someone easily crossed. At least she had handed Finn the key card for their room straight away and the smell of the place suggested that while the hotel may not look like much, it was still cleaned regularly.

            As the door to the small room with its massive bed and simple wooden furniture slid shut behind him, Poe heaved a sigh of relief and he couldn’t help but laugh as he looked up at Finn. They had done it! They had come so far! In what seemed like the blink of an eye, they had moved from being nothing but links in the giant war machine that was the First Order to being free off it, shedding it like skin they had never fit into.

            Grinning widely, Finn dropped the clothes he was holding to the floor and Poe did the same. Deliberately, Finn stepped closer to him again, running his hand through Poe’s hair. “I liked it longer,” he said quietly.

            Poe cocked his head and put his hands on Finn’s cheeks, admiring again the dark eyes that held so much promise. Promise of a future they might actually have now, even if Finn decided to leave first chance he got. “Hair tends to grow, you know that, right?”

            Chuckling, Finn moved his hands over Poe’s shoulders to his chest, making Poe shiver slightly as the tension started freezing him in place again and it took him a moment to find it in him to relax. This was Finn, he told himself. Finn who had risked everything by running away. He was brave and honest and he obviously trusted Poe. Not only staying with him through the darkest night of his life, but also warning him of his superiors, offering Poe the last opportunity to speak to his mother… all those things meant something, if not everything.

            He let Finn open the dark grey buttons of the oversized coat without taking his eyes off Poe’s, an expression on his face that was so serious, so determined… Poe could practically see the thoughts racing through Finn’s mind, even if he didn’t even have a chance of distinguishing them.

            “What are you thinking?” he asked as Finn pushed the coat over Poe’s shoulders.

            Finn’s lips parted slightly and Poe could practically see him trying to find the right words. Gently, Poe put his hands on Finn’s grabbing them tight and holding them firmly in his own.

            Finn swallowed visibly. “I’m not sure…” Finn said. “I’ve never… well to be honest, back with the Order the people I’ve been with and I… we never had time to spare for this. We had to be… quick.”

            If only Poe could have found this even remotely funny he would have laughed, but his lips didn’t even twitch. Instead, he felt his gut twist in disgust and he wished he had done something about Finn’s situation sooner. But he had been too afraid… too afraid to act… too stunned by his own inability to do anything about his own life that he hadn’t even thought about the life the Stormtroopers lead. “We don’t have to _do_ this now,” he said. “Any of it! We have time right now, but if you don’t feel like it, if you don’t want to rush into anything... it really doesn’t even matter if time runs out tomorrow and we end up _not_ doing anything.”

            “You’re good with speeches, huh?”

            “Oh, shut up!” Poe’s face flushed again, pulling Finn’s face close to his own, kissing him, teeth nipping softly at Finn’s lower lip, producing a soft, surprised sound that made Poe pull away immediately. “Sorry!” he rushed to say, only to find Finn laughing at him.

            “You’re such an idiot! Way to ruin the mood!” Poe declared laughing himself, walking past Finn with a smile on his lips, shrugging off his uniform tunic and tossing it on the floor. He would never have dreamed of doing this ever before, but right now it felt good. Liberating. At the same time, he felt Finn’s gaze upon him, making him feel more self-conscious than he had been in a very long time. His neck grew hot, as he grabbed his undershirt by the hem and started pulling it off as well. If Finn wanted to continue this, he would have to start over.

            “You keep saying sorry for the stupidest things!” Finn laughed and Poe heard him stepping closer and a second later Finn wrapped his strong arms around him, the duroplast cutting right into Poe’s skin, but for the moment Poe didn’t mind. Simply being held like this was enough for now.

            “Maybe,” Poe mumbled, disentangling himself from Finn and sitting down on the bed, finding it extremely soft and even more creaky. “But you have to admit that it’s charming,” he grinned, leaning back to even more creaking.

            Finn scoffed and shrugged, taking off the duroplast plates from his arms and letting them fall to the ground right on top of Poe’s uniform tunic. “I wonder what your definition of charming is,” he said quietly without taking his eyes off Poe for even a second, whose heart was beating ever faster. With every piece of armour Finn let fall to the ground, he felt the tension between them rise to a level he hadn’t quite anticipated.

            “How are you really?” Finn asked, as the last piece of armour finally clattered to the floor and he climbed over Poe, his weight making the bed creak in a high pitched and long drawn out screech. “I mean…”

            Poe nodded, his throat tight. “I know what you mean,” he said quietly, raising a hand to touch Finn’s face again. He couldn’t get enough of it, of stroking his fingertips over those cheeks, those eyebrows… he swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t know…. I…” he shut himself up before he could say anything else that might push Finn away, which was the last thing he wanted to do. “I can’t think about that right now,” he admitted, Finn’s face hovering so close to his. “But I’m breathing, aren’t I? We’re here… and safe… kind of and-“ his useless stammering was cut off sharply, when Finn leaned in again kissing him with a ferocity that made Poe forget to breathe for a moment. He let himself slide back, heard the bed creaking even more, as Finn followed him and couldn’t hold back a laugh at the sound of it.

            “I really hope these walls are sound proof…” Poe mumbled, breaking off the kiss and wrapping his legs around Finn to stop him from moving too far away. This was good, he realized.  Way better than he would have anticipated and he sure as hell didn’t want it to end here. The heat rising in his face and Finn’s hot breath against his lips didn’t help much in diffusing the tension either.

            “I wouldn’t count on it.” Laughing, Finn let his one hand slide over Poe’s torso, making him shiver with anticipation, before pushing him gently back against the rough sheets. “But I can be quiet…” He whispered, lips almost touching Poe’s.

            “Don’t be,” Poe rasped, clutching Finn’s face close to his, their eyes so close that they were all Poe could see. His brown eyes almost black with a desire that made Poe’s insides clench and unclench at the same time. “Whatever happens… don’t hold back on my account if you feel like it…”

            Finn moved in closer, his knees pressing against Poe’s sides, making Poe want to pull him even closer, to feel Finn’s entire weight on him. Moving his hands over Finn’s shoulders and chest, he let his fingers slowly glide to Finn’s lower body, pulling gently at the black shirt. “Come closer,” he whispered, sliding his hands under the hem of Finn’s shirt. The softly tugging tension of his gut taking his breath away as Finn crowded in on him, lips trailing his jaw and making him close his eyes.

            With every shifting of their bodies, however slight it might be, the bed protested in a way that made Poe grin wider every time and his heart was leaping already, even if none of this was even remotely funny or how he had imagined it would be. When Finn had finally stripped them both of the rest of their clothing, throwing them away in a pile on the floor, Poe couldn’t help but gasp at the faded scars in Finn’s body, the lines slightly lighter than the rest of his skin, but clearly visible.

            “What did they do to you?” His voice was trembling as he sat up, ignoring the faint throbbing in his thighs and reaching up to put his hand on Finn’s sides.

            Finn shrugged, not quite meeting Poe’s gaze, instead staring straight at Poe’s chest. “It’s not that big a deal. Everyone has them… it’s how the children are taught how to sit upright at mealtimes or during lessons…”

            Poe’s throat grew tight as he moved his fingertips along the parallel lines that indicated where what must have been horribly sharp wires had been wrapped around Finn’s torso years and years ago.

            Fighting back the urge to apologize again for something he had no control over, or express his regret of this happening to Finn, he swallowed the sob that was fighting its way up his throat. Closing his eyes, he moved his lips over Finn’s skin, kissing every inch of it as delicately as possible. The accompanying sound as Poe pushed Finn back against the mattress was more of a wailing sound this time and the tears running down his face, the pain ripping at his chest at the sight of this monstrosity kept him going. Feeling Finn’s cock pressed tight against his chest, he kept trailing kisses along the lines Finn probably couldn’t even feel anymore. Talking about this wouldn’t make anything better, he knew, but he also couldn’t shut out the images of Finn being tied up like this, sharp wires cutting into his skin every time he didn’t sit upright. Life at the orphanage hadn’t been simple or easy either, but he couldn’t remember anything more severe than a minor beating happen to one of his comrades.

            “I’m fine, really…” he heard Finn say, Finn’s hand in his hair again. “Don’t be upset about this, please. It was a long time ago.”

            Poe took a deep breath and looked up at Finn, his chest contracting painfully when their eyes met. “Still… I hate to know that you were hurt like this…”

            Shrugging again, Finn took Poe’s chin in his hand and pulled him up again. Before he knew it, they were brushing each other and Poe had to close his eyes for a moment to regain his focus. When he opened them again, he could see small beads of sweat on Finn’s forehead and he bent lower to kiss his brow, Finn’s hand sliding down his back, making him whimper slightly when he touched his bottom, cupping one cheek firmly.

“That part’s over now, isn’t it though?” Finn asked and Poe nodded slightly. Yes it was, and they had time to talk about these things if they wanted to… If…

Poe swallowed once more, guiding his hand over Finn’s chest, trailing his fingertip over Finn’s nipple. Gasping for air, Finn closed his eyes, his hips twitched upwards, making Poe press his forehead against the crook of Finn’s neck. “Finn,” he mumbled, already out of breath, as he reached down grasping Finn’s cock firmly in his hand, enjoying the sensation of hot, slightly wet skin as he stroked his thumb over the tip.

He bit on his lip to hold back a laugh as the bed creaked again slowly, Finn thrusting into his hand ever so slightly and he felt the words forming in his throat before he even knew he was going to say them. “May I?”

Finn’s hand tugged at his hair, making a shiver run down his spine. Poe kept stroking Finn, while slowly trailing his lips along Finn’s jaw, moving down over his chest, wondering how this could really actually be happening. He only stopped his movement, to kiss Finn’s tip, tasting the sweet saltiness, the sound he got out of Finn for this was making him want to kiss Finn again. To taste his lips, his skin, all of him. Looking up at Finn again, his eyes burning, he slowly made his way down, his fingertip circling the entrance slowly, but without ever taking his eyes off Finn for a possible reaction that would tell him to stop.

“What are you-” Finn rasped, shutting his eyes tightly and moaning quietly, when Poe kissed his tip again, sucking on it gently, while at the same time slowly dropping one of his fingers inside of his partner, making Finn’s thighs shake and his hips jerk upwards into Poe’s mouth again. This was so far from the protest Poe had been worried about, the soft groaning of the bed as Finn kept moving between his lips far from funny anymore. Poe’s heart was racing, as he buried his finger deeper inside him and Finn’s eyelids fluttered, a soft, barely audible moan escaping his lips. The next moment Finn had buried his hands in Poe’s hair, creating a wave of pleasure that shot down Poe’s back.

Placing one final kiss on Finn’s tip, Poe slid upwards again, pressing his chest close against Finn and caressing Finn’s neck with his lips. “Do you want me to keep going?” he asked breathlessly as their cocks touched again, the tension in Poe’s lower body making his knees weak. Nodding ever so slightly, Finn let go of Poe’s hair, guiding his hand almost hesitantly over his chest to Poe’s stomach and then his abdomen, taking Poe’s cock in his hand gingerly and immediately Poe’s eyes fell shut. Their lips clashed again, Finn’s arm wrapped tightly around him and his hand moving too expertly for Poe to hold out much longer. Breathing heavily, he broke off the kiss, he looked down at Finn, ignoring the soft creaking of the frame, as he shifted his weight and took Finn’s hand to move it so they were both holding each other.

Finn’s eyes were almost black, his lips slightly parted, as Poe started moving slowly against him, the friction in combination with the soft smile starting to spread on Finn’s face almost intoxicating. Cutting off his own moan of pleasure as Finn started moving with him, picking up his pace, evoking sounds from the bed that must tell everyone in the near vicinity what they were doing, Poe pressed his lips against Finn’s once more, almost drowning in the kiss and the storm of euphoria raining down on him as Finn came in his hand, their fingers touching, their hands providing the exactly right amount of pressure. Poe felt his own drawing nearer and let Finn take over, allowing Finn to push him on his back, guide his hand over his cock, while Finn’s lips were firmly on his. The sound of Finn’s name as he came was drowned in the kiss that Finn didn’t even break for a single second.

Completely out of breath, shaking from the aftershock of what had happened, Poe wrapped both his arms tightly around Finn, nestling his nose against the crook of Finn’s neck. He could feel Finn’s heart racing at about the same pace his own was, as they lay there, their legs entwined in a jumble of limbs that wouldn’t be easy to untangle.

Finn’s warm breath stroking his neck, Poe sighed. He leaned back his head to look into Finn’s eyes, stroking his hand over his head and touching their noses together. “How are you feeling?” he asked and the smile he got as a first response made his own lips twitch up into a foolish grin.

“And I thought getting out of the TIE felt good,” Finn replied, moving his hand up Poe’s chest and cupping the back of his head.

Poe laughed, kissing Finn briefly. “You’re amazing,” he mumbled, moving closer to Finn, his toes moving over the back of Finn’s foot.

“Yeah, well, you chose well I suppose…”

“I’d say you chose me.” Poe’s grin became a soft smile, thinking back to the feeling of being pulled out of imminent danger by this man, whose strong arms were keeping him warm and safe. “Happy Life Day anyway…”

“Happy Life Day. If this is how it’s celebrated I sure as hell won’t complain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you ever come across my [tumblr](http://sourlander.tumblr.com) please feel free to say hi! <3


	15. The Next Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the lovely comments concerning the smut ;) It meant a lot to me!

** Chapter 15 **

_The Next Step_

 

Warm air hitting his cheek and ear. That was all he felt when he woke up. The next sensation was the numbness in his arm and the hot body pressed tight against his own.

            Finn…

            Blinking, Poe opened his eyes, only to see the dark grey mould stains on the slightly lighter paint of the ceiling above him. He turned his head slowly, looking at the man sleeping soundly in his arms, snoring softly, nostrils twitching slightly, when Poe reached up to brush his fingertips over the black stubble. He was surprised at how easy it was to wake up next to someone, especially after what had happened with Morap- but why should he be surprised? Hadn’t he already established that Finn was very different from Morap in every way? That what he shared with Finn was something else entirely? Pulling Finn’s face closer, Poe pressed his lips lightly against the other’s nose.

            The grouchy, almost painful emptiness in his stomach told him what he needed to do, and the cold yet natural light streaming in through the window that he needed to do it now. But he didn’t want to just get up and leave. “Finn,” he mumbled, his lips against Finn’s and kissing him gently, wrapping his other arm firmly around the warm body laying naked and comfortably hot next to his own.

            At first, nothing happened, but then Finn’s lips started moving against his, proving to Poe how much Finn trusted him even in his literal sleep and making his heart leap. A firm hand in his hair made him pull away. Finn opened his eyes. Their noses were touching and Poe could feel himself reacting to this proximity again. Shaking his head, he pecked Finn on the lips again. “I need to go out,” he whispered. “We need supplies.”

            Shaking his head, Finn put his hand on the small of his back, pulling him even closer. “Don’t talk rubbish,” he mumbled, his lips pressed against Poe’s neck. “What could we possibly need?”

            Poe laughed softly, stroking Finn’s hair and pushing himself away from Finn. “Some lube in case we want to keep going?” He grinned and got out of bed quickly, immediately regretting it. Leaving the heat of Finn’s body made him realize how cold it was. “Food!”

            Finn scoffed and sat up, his eyes wandering down Poe’s body with a frown. “I’m okay,” he smiled, his grumbling stomach betraying him. They hadn’t had anything but rations that had been stashed inside the TIE. The stuff made you full, no questions asked, but it sure as hell wasn’t satisfying. They hadn’t taken any with them when they had left the TIE behind and they would need sustenance sooner rather than later anyway.

            “You’re hungry!” Poe grinned, shaking his head as Finn stretched out a hand and pulled him closer. “So am I.”

            “Yeah, I can see that.”

            “You, my friend, are hallucinating!” Poe couldn’t help but smile, when Finn’s hand cupped one of his buttocks. “No chance!” he declared firmly, bending over to touch Finn’s lips with his, trying to disentangle himself, while Finn reached up, grabbed him by the arms and pulled him onto the bed again, kissing his cheek, his chin, his neck, letting his hands move freely over his body. “Believe me, I’d love to, but if we do that now we’re never going to get anything to eat. I swear, you’re my weak spot already. Please, please, please let me go. I don’t want to starve in this horrible room with the creaky bed. I want to-“ Finn’s kiss interrupted Poe’s pleas, his hands pressing him firmly to the bed, making it creak again so loudly that Poe was sure it was going to simply collapse.

            Breathing heavily, Finn finally let go of him and slapped his cheek softly, almost lovingly. “Just wanted to make sure you’re coming back. So you know what you’re gonna miss if you just leave me here.” He was smiling, but the faint glinting in his eyes told Poe that he was only half joking.

            Shaking his head, Poe pulled him back down, kissing him gently. “I’m only going to get some food, okay? Nothing else.”

            Finn pulled away, his eyes trained on Poe’s. “I know… just wanted to make sure.”

            With a shrug, Poe pushed him away. “Listen, I wouldn’t leave you. Not after everything you’ve done for me. And no, I’m not counting last night! That was just a bonus.”

            The grin on Finn’s lips looked sheepish as he rubbed his neck. “Yeah, well…”

            “Anything you want in particular? You got a hankering for anything?” Poe turned his back on Finn, as he grabbed the pants they had bought the night before. They looked far too tight for his liking, but they’d do for now. With a shrug, he turned his attention back to Finn, who just returned his gaze blankly. “Huh?”

            “I’ll have whatever,” Finn said. “Some protein bars, I suppose or… I don’t know.”

            Poe bit his lip, remembering that all Finn knew were military rations. He himself had enjoyed the occasional treat on the few annual holidays the First Order celebrated and he had always loved the food he had found on other worlds when he was on missions. Not having to stick to First Order food had been one of the better things about those assignments. “I’ll try to take back a bit of everything, alright?” Reaching for a new shirt and the coat, Poe bent over and kissed Finn again. “I’ll be back as quickly as I can. I swear!” He dodged into the bathroom and only a couple of minutes later he was out the door, his hair still wet from the quick shower, which he had needed desperately.

            Leaving Finn behind was harder than Poe would have thought possible. They had spent the last couple of days in each other’s company constantly and not having Finn by his side, as he strode down the narrow corridor, he realized how much he was already depending on his partner – was that even the correct term? Poe wasn’t sure, but it felt right. Far better than lover or accomplice anyway, though Finn sure as hell was both to him now.

            “What was your name again?”

            Poe flinched and turned around slowly. He had more or less rushed down the staircase and had been aiming towards the front door, when the creaky voice had sounded.

            “Huh?” He turned around slowly, making his way toward the counter, where the old woman from the night before was still sitting, something in her hands that looked a whole lot like needlework.

            “Your name… I forgot to write it down last night.” She was smiling warmly.

            Poe leaned against the counter leisurely, his thoughts racing. “Bey,” he said. “Kes Bey.” The names came to his lips more easily than he would have thought possible. But of course sticking to his real name was out of the question at the moment. The First Order was looking for them already and he couldn’t very well use one of the fake names he had assumed on various other occasions… not that his parents’ names were a safe bet, but at least they weren’t as suspicious as others he might have used.

            The woman nodded and Poe could see her fingers flying over a flat keyboard behind the counter.

            “Hey, do you know where I can get some supplies nearby? A place where I won’t get ripped off?”

            “Just down the street, Mister Bey. There’s a small market where you’ll be able to buy most things. How long will you be staying here? You only booked the last night when you arrived with your husband.”

            Poe bit on his lip, thinking hard, while the term _husband_ was still ringing in his ears. How long _were_ they going to stay? He didn’t feel like he could tell her the truth about their estimated stay, so he should probably tell her they were staying longer than they actually would. “Five more nights,” he said, wondering where the hell they were going next. He paid her and with a pleasant smile on his lips turned his back on her to walk out the door.

            The “market” turned out to be nothing but a very small shop, but the products were stacked neatly on the shelves and Poe couldn’t even spot a single grain of dust gathering anywhere. He grabbed food packages at random, not knowing what Finn would actually like to eat. His ears were unbelievably hot, when he reached for a bottle placed discreetly at the end of one of the shelves, trying very hard to ignore the shop owner’s gaze. His eyes moved upwards to one of the holos. A reporter was speaking, behind him a face he had seen hundreds of times in First Order propaganda videos, which had declared her a rebel without conscience. The former Chancellor of the New Republic was saying something into the camera, but Poe couldn’t hear what she was saying. The letters scrolling over the bottom part of the holo made him freeze in place. The bottle almost dropped out his hands.

            “Scary stuff, huh?” The shop owner, a hairy humanoid, said.

Poe shivered slightly and nodded. “I didn’t even know…”, he mumbled, placing the items on the counter without taking his eyes off the holo. “Could you turn on the sound, please?” His heart contracted painfully, as the man nodded slowly and fumbled with a miniature remote. Next moment Sha-Li Erso’s voice was ringing in his ears. The dark-haired woman had served as a junior medic in the days of the Galactic Civil war and had become a politician in later years. Her words made his head spin and he couldn’t help but gape at her open mouthed as she declared her sorrow for the lives lost in the Hosnian system.

            The Hosnian system… so the First Order hadn’t even aimed their attack at the Resistance. Not directly anyway. Instead billions of civilian lives had been lost and all of a sudden Poe wasn’t sure anymore if he really couldn’t have done anything to prevent this from happening. The Resistance was the Order’s natural enemy. The adversary in a war that wasn’t even fought in the open. With a single stroke the Order had wiped out every bit of political backing the Resistance had… the Senate was gone. The New Republic’s government would have to be re-formed and in the time it took them to do that, the Resistance would be without the Republic’s military and monetary support. They were done for.

            Poe’s throat tightened, as he remembered the security he had helped set up around Starkiller Base and how hard it would be for the Resistance pilots to go up against it. The twinging in his gut told him that he had to do something, anything to prevent the Resistance from failing…. but he had no contacts… no way of reaching them… or did he?

His head snapped up as the shop owner started talking again.

“Not that I like the Republic too much, but let me tell you: this was uncalled for.”

Poe swallowed hard and started counting out the credits for the man. “Yes,” he said hoarsely, wondering if maybe he should go and try to talk to San Tekka again. Maybe he did have the means to contact the Resistance now. But he’d be lucky if San Tekka even allowed him to speak up after their last encounter.

_You better remember what your parents fought for…_

What _was_ he supposed to do now? His mother was dead, killed at the hands of the First Order, but he had to remember that the people he and Finn had left were just as much the Order’s victims as he was. _Could_ he even betray the Order’s secrets to the Resistance? Could he risk Meelan’s life? And Greggaleon? Delaugh? Even Hux? Poe wasn’t sure. Even after all that had happened he couldn’t say that he was willing to betray those he had once considered family, even if the term could only be applied to those people in the widest sense of the word. He was a sentimental fool! Shaking his head, he grabbed the bag the salesman had filled with his purchases and hurried back to the dingy hotel. Getting off world now, was their number one priority now.

 

Entering the room, he found Finn lying on the mattress dressed in his new clothes, hair still damp and eyes fixed on the holo on the wall across from the bed. Finn didn’t even look at him, just kept staring, while Poe let himself fall down next to him.

            “Did you see this?” Finn muttered, reaching for Poe and wrapping his arm around his hips.

            “I saw it…” Poe said quietly, brushing his hand over Finn’s temple. He stayed silent as he watched one of the last transmissions that had been sent from Hosnian Prime, the seat of the New Republic’s government. A short video of a Bith sending a short message to his wife. The red streak illuminating the sky and then the transmission was cut off along with the airflow to Poe’s lungs. Swallowing hard, he reached for Finn’s hand. “I helped protect this thing…” he mumbled. “I… I can’t-“

            “Stop that.” Finn sat up, pulling his feet under his body and putting his arms around Poe, chin resting on Poe’s shoulder. “It’s no use… you didn’t do this.” The words were empty, but the tone in which they were spoken made them easier to bear.

            “What have I done…” he mumbled, glad for the first time that the First Order hadn’t gotten their hands on that map. If Supreme Leader Snoke believed that getting to Skywalker could turn the tide of this dormant war and destroying a whole planetary system with three inhabited worlds was only his second choice, then Poe didn’t even want to imagine what finding Skywalker would have done… Shivering, he put his hands on Finn’s.

            “We had better get going soon.” He said, reaching for the remote and turning off the holo. He really didn’t want to watch any more of this. What use was it to anyone?

Finn by his side nodded, then turned around on his back so he was staring up at the ceiling and Poe lay down next to him. Just like the day before their hands just… met, their finger intertwining into something than seemed almost unbreakable to Poe.

            “I’ve been thinking,” Finn said quietly after a while.

            “I’m listening.”

            “We have some money, right?”

            With a nod, Poe squeezed Finn’s hand and closed his eyes. “Yeah, we do. Some.”

            “We’re buying another ship?”

            Poe shrugged. “I guess that would be the most sensible thing to do right now, yes.”

            “And with that ship, we could transport… stuff, right?”

            “Right.” His chest was growing tight. It was the only course of action left to them now. Smuggling. They needed to keep moving. Staying in one place for too long would only increase their chances of being caught. Already he could feel the ground beneath him slipping away again, but the hand holding his was keeping him steady all the same. “Let’s transport… stuff… and maybe after a while I can start making things right…”

            A low grumbling sound made his eyes snap open again. The sounds Finn’s stomach was making brought a smile to his face. A smile that, despite everything, felt just right.

            “What did you bring?” Finn asked, reaching for the bag sitting between them. Poe put his hand on Finn’s knee, while Finn started unpacking. Poe sat up a bit, leaning on his elbows with his thumb stroking over Finn’s leg, while the other put box after box on the blanket in front of him.

            “That’s some jerky… not exactly the tastiest stuff I could find, but I thought bringing some rations might be a good idea.”

            Finn nodded, obviously not bothering with what the food Poe had brought might taste like. “That’s some sort of candy Mo- my former… partner liked.” Poe felt his ears going red and cursed himself not only for mentioning Morap, but also for buying the caramel filled sweets made out of bluemilk toffee.

            “Your… partner?” Eyebrows raised, Finn looked down at him, the white blue bag held firmly in his hand. Understanding crept over his face, making Poe’s heart contract painfully.

            “Yeah… well… I like them too if that helps?” he smiled ruefully and sat up fully, wrapping his arm around Finn. “Don’t think I would want to replace him by running off with you,” he mumbled, their foreheads pressed together.

            Finn laughed, his warm breath hitting Poe’s lips. “Well, you ran off with _me_ , didn’t you? I guess I’m the lucky guy.” His face felt hotter somehow and Poe closed his eyes, allowing himself to touch his lips to Finn’s.

            “Look at who calls himself lucky,” he whispered as he pulled away. Shaking his head, he put his hand on Finn’s cheek. “I’m glad you found me, Finn.” Poe smiled softly. That was exactly how he felt. Like Finn had found him. Found him and rescued him, before everything was too late. At least, he thought, he hadn’t been on that base when the weapon was fired. It wasn’t a big consolation, but it was one nonetheless. He had broken with the Order before it was too late. Even if he was responsible for its defences and even if those were most likely undergoing a massive reorganization right now and his knowledge would be of little use to anyone. At least, for now, he was free. In a way at least… the images of his mother’s death which had haunted him all the way here, hadn’t left him the previous night either, but he wasn’t going to talk about that or the raging guilt he felt whenever he thought of her right now.

            Finn returned his smile, put his free arm around him and popped one of the candies into his mouth. Immediately, his eyes grew wide in surprise.

            “This is… this… oh!” He closed his eyes again, sighing and throwing back his head. “This is _so-_ “

            “I know, right!” Poe couldn’t help but laugh. It didn’t quite make the pain in his chest go away, but it made it easier to bear. Leaning in, he pressed his lips to Finn’s again, tasting the soft sweetness of the candy and feeling the smile of the other, while Finn pulled him closer. Before Finn could deepen the kiss, Poe pulled away, shaking his head. “Food,” he said. “We have to eat something.”

            “I can go without food,” Finn declared, brushing Poe’s comment aside.

            “I know you can, but I think it would be more enjoyable without our stomachs’ grumbling adding to the creaking of the bed.”

            Finn’s laughter made a by now familiar warmth spread through his body. Shaking his head, Poe started pulling more items out of the bag. “Here are some sandwiches… this is a kind of grain boiled in blue milk. Really tasty, if you ask me. These are some flatcakes. Cheese, some meat I can’t possibly name…” he shrugged and stiffened when his finger brushed over the last item in the bag. He pulled out the tube he had bought as well and placed it on the pile between Finn’s legs. “And well… this.”

            Frowning, Finn picked it up. “What is it?”

            “Um…” Poe mumbled, his ears growing hot again. “You… you don’t know what this is?”

            Finn shook his head, popping open the tube and sniffing at it. “Doesn’t smell like anything.”

            Poe nodded and closed his hands around Finn’s. “Finn, who have you been with?” he asked. “You can tell me, if you want to.”

            “Well…” Finn shrugged, closing the tube again. “Just those three women in my squad… I fooled around with this one guy once, but that was ages ago.” He smiled faintly and met Poe’s gaze. “Like I said, we never had much time and this…” He hugged Poe a little tighter. “Simply having time for ourselves like this was never an option so… how about you?”

            Poe bit on his lip, shaking his head. “Just this one guy,” he muttered. “Things were a bit different for me, I guess… We… he and I we were together for ten years, before he defected.”

            All of a sudden, Finn’s face had grown serious again. Poe remembered mentioning Morap to Finn before, but this here was infinitely more explicit. It was more than he wanted Finn to know, but he was also fully aware that if he wanted this to work, he _needed_ Finn to know.

            “And I didn’t want to defect with him,” Poe added quickly, his words strung together like a tightly woven web. “I didn’t trust him for some reason. Despite everything that wasn’t an option. Morap was different… so so different from you! I-“ he stopped himself, before he could stumble over his own words, but the sudden panic rising up in him seemed to want to pull him forward and make him throw himself into the abyss.

            “Alright,” Finn said, the smile not quite reaching his eyes. “Ten years, huh?” He cleared his throat. “That’s… long.”

            Poe nodded, unable to say anything else.

            “Okay!” Finn took a deep breath, then pulled Poe closer once more, kissing him like he had done back on Starkiller. Poe’s heart fluttered, as he clasped his hands into the soft fabric of Finn’s dark shirt, returning the kiss. “Okay, we can do this!” Finn said firmly after their lips had parted and his eyes sparkling with determination that seemed to reverberate through every fibre of Poe’s being.

            “We can?” Poe laughed, pulling Finn closer again.

            “Sure we can! We just stole a TIE-fighter and escaped the First Order! We can do anything!”

            Poe laughed, leaning his forehead against Finn’s. “I believe you,” he answered, reaching for a rectangular box and opening it. Without further comment, he stuffed the sandwich into Finn’s mouth. “But you need to eat first!”

 

 

 


	16. Learning to Fly

** Chapter 16 **

_Learning to Fly_

 

The soft beeping sound made him flinch and he bumped his head right away. Cursing under his breath, Poe stood up and hurried to the cockpit.

            “You alright?” came Finn’s voice from the small galley.

            “Yeah, I’m fine!” Poe shouted back, as he sat down in the pilot’s chair. He still wasn’t used to this. After six months of flying this ship, he still got nervous whenever it was time to drop out of hyperspace and initiate the landing process. “I think I got the laser cannons fixed though, so that’s something.”

            “You think we’re going to run into trouble this time around?”

            Poe looked up as Finn entered the cockpit and sat down behind the co-pilot’s station.

            “I hope not,” Poe smiled, pushing the lever away from him and the whirlwind of blue turned into a sea of stripes, before the lights shrunk back into stars. “But you never know with these backwater planets, do you?” Winking at Finn, he took a deep breath. He had gone from never having flown anything in his life, to stealing a TIE-fighter to steering a small freighter within a couple of months and he still wouldn’t say he had become an expert, but at least a sort of routine had kicked in a few weeks ago. Luckily they hadn’t met any sort of trouble, if you didn’t count the Taw-eekos who had tried to sneak on board just before they had taken off Bespin five days ago. Finn had spotted the little furry creatures just in time and gotten them off the loading ramp just before take-off.

            “I really hoped Jakku would be the last sandpit I’d see for the rest of my life,” Finn murmured, looking out the viewscreen at the brown orb just beneath them.

            “There are loads of sandpits out there, buddy. I guess we were just lucky these last couple of weeks.”

            Finn scoffed and pulled up the map of Tatooine from the ships internal storage. “Mos Espa, right?”

            Nodding, Poe steered the ship downwards, following the directions designated to him by the navcomputer. “We’re going to unload and not keep a lookout for another job for at least a day. How does that sound to you?”

            Finn shrugged, as Poe descended the ship, plunging into the atmosphere and feeling the ancient ship vibrate as gases and small particles started grinding against the ship’s hull. “I wouldn’t mind a breath of fresh air, though I have to admit that desert planets aren’t exactly my favourite places.”

            Poe nodded. “Alright. Maybe we can find someone who wants us to transport some stuff to a nice planet for once? I hear Naboo is supposed to be quite nice.”

            “Yeah, maybe.” Finn smiled vaguely. “Lunch is ready, if you’re hungry.”

            “You know, I’m always hungry. Especially when it’s your turn to cook.”

            Talking helped, he had found. If he didn’t have to focus all his mind on the task of guiding the ship to the nearest spaceport and into one of the docking bays, his shoulders relaxed somewhat, making it easier for him to breathe.

            The soft humming of the comm announced a caller and Finn pressed the button, opening the channel on their end.

“Unknown freighter, this is Mos Espa Spaceport,” a bored voice said. “Identify yourself and state your purpose.”

“This is HWK-Two-Nine-Zero freighter _Beginner_ ,” Finn stated a smile curving his lips as he said the ship’s name out loud. “Here to deliver cargo to one of our customers.”

Usually that was all it took for spaceports such as this one to give them landing clearance. This one was no different.

“ _Beginner,_ you have been assigned docking bay HT-One-Six-C.”

“Thank you.” With a flick of his finger, Finn turned off the comm as the landing coordinates were being transmitted to their board computer.

Poe didn’t start sweating until the final landing sequence had started. Flying low over the outskirts of the city of Mos Espa wasn’t the problem. Fitting the almost thirty-metre-long freighter into the assigned circular docking bay was a bit harder, but he managed it without incident.

“I’m telling you, you’re a natural.” Finn grinned as he opened another comm channel to send a message to the company they had shipped spare parts for.

Wiping his brow, Poe got up to put his arms around Finn. “You smell so good,” he muttered, trailing his nose along Finn’s neck. “You know that, right.”

“You’re hungry, I know. Just don’t bite my ear off and lay the table, will you? The pickup will be in a few hours, I suppose.”

Brushing his hand over Finn’s hair, Poe let go of his partner and walked towards the middle portion of the ship’s upper deck. Finn had turned off the stove, but the pot stuck to the magnetic cooking plate was still hot, its lid firmly shut against any turbulence that might occur during the flight. Poe’s stomach rumbled appreciatively. He hadn’t been lying: Finn’s cooking was excellent. He himself wasn’t much of a cook, but Finn managed to transform almost anything into something edible, if not downright delicious.

The table was set within two minutes and before he knew it, Finn was by his side again.

“What are we having?” Poe asked, when Finn set the pot on the table in the lounge area. “I’m starving.”

Laughing softly, Finn added two bowls to the table, opened the lid and the tempting smell wafting from inside the pot made Poe’s stomach growl hungrily. “Hm… soup!”

“You’re drooling!”

“No, I’m not! Shut up!” But he felt like if he didn’t start eating soon he _would_ start drooling. So, without further ado, he grabbed the spoon. “Thanks for cooking!” Poe grinned at Finn, who leaned back and as usual, watched Poe take the first bite.

Poe barely suppressed a pleasurable moan at what felt like an explosion on his tongue. The soup was hot, but beneath that first initial shock, there was something else. Something tender and sweet and spicy. Nodding appreciatively, he put his hand on Finn’s leg and started shovelling the food into his mouth, barely taking the time to chew.

Finn took his time eating, much unlike Poe, who had already finished his second bowl of soup before Finn had even finished his first. With a sheepish grin, Poe let his hand wander over Finn’s wrist and then wrapped his arms around him.

“Would you please let me eat?” Finn grinned, dropping his spoon into his bowl and turning his head to look at Poe. “I’m hungry too, you know?”

Poe nodded. “Yes, I know… I just really like watching you eat.” He leaned in, pressing his lips softly to Finn’s. The taste of the soup was still lingering there. “And knowing you’re here.” He placed another kiss on Finn’s nose. Opening his eyes was impossible now. He would never have thought that being with Finn like this would come natural to him this quickly. But it had. It had come _so_ natural to him that these moments made him forget how they had started out. “You letting me be near you.” Putting his hands on Finn’s cheeks, he kissed him again, their lips caressing each other the way they did so perfectly.

Sighing into the kiss, Poe heard Finn push his own bowl away and next moment, Finn’s hands were on his hips, pulling Poe on his lap. The taste of the soup quickly vanished as Poe deepened the kiss, letting his hands roam over Finn’s chest, while he gently started grinding his hips into Finn’s lap.

“You’re absolutely crazy, Dameron,” Finn whispered, gasping for air. Their eyes met for a moment and Poe could already see the feverish glint in Finn’s eyes, which confirmed what he was already feeling.

“I don’t even care,” Poe answered, sliding his hand into Finn’s waistband and kneeling, so he had better access to what he was looking for. “Being crazy about you isn’t something I regret.”

Finn’s soft laugh made him shiver with anticipation. Next moment, Finn had grabbed both his wrists and Poe let him guide them behind his back. Finn’s lips on his neck, the tip of his tongue gently tickling the soft skin beneath his ear, were all it took to make his pants feel tighter than they should be. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of being at Finn’s mercy.

“We should move this to the bedroom,” Finn whispered in his ear. Poe nodded absentmindedly. Finn preferred going there, he knew and Poe didn’t mind much. They had transformed this ship into something like home these past few weeks and he wanted Finn to be as comfortable as possible, which Finn usually was in the small cabin.

Getting to his feet, he stretched a hand out to Finn, who was in front of him almost immediately, wrapping Poe in his arms, lips on his and gently pushing him towards the cabin which had become their refuge in this chaotic galaxy. As Finn pushed him up against the wall, he had problems filling his lungs with enough oxygen to keep his head from spinning, but he pulled Finn closer nonetheless, revelling in the sensations rushing through his body, making him yearn for more.

The door to their room slid open, and Poe pulled Finn inside by the collar, unwilling to let go of him longer than necessary. Cupping Finn’s cock under the soft fabric of his pants, he started guiding him towards the two beds they had pushed together and Finn’s low moan kept edging him on. Only reluctantly did he take half a step back to take his shirt off. Finn did the same, his arms already around him, before Poe could even start undoing his own pants.

But this time, Finn didn’t kiss him. This time, Finn only stared at him, his eyes wide and serious. A look, which made Poe’s heart stumble in its tracks.

“Poe…” Finn murmured, his fingers burying themselves in his hair, grabbing the curls Poe hadn’t cut since they had left Starkiller Base.

“I love you, Finn.” The words were out before he had even realized he had meant to say them. Finn stood stock still, his face frozen.

Poe couldn’t recall ever having said this to anyone ever before, but he did remember something else. Someone else saying this to him. Long ago. Someone whose screams woke him up almost every night.

Finn nodded slowly, before Poe could take it back. “Ditto…”

One word. One single word that made Poe laugh with relief. “And I- I’m not just saying this, because- um-“ Poe gulped, unable to find the right words. He knew what he had said was true, yet saying it felt like an entire world crashing down on him. If he felt like this, then how did it make Finn feel?

“Yeah, I know…” Finn pulled him closer again, their lips crashing against each other with an entirely different sense of urgency. Within seconds their pants had landed on the floor and Poe forced himself to take a step back to look Finn up and down. The muscles he had seen and felt the first time they had been together hadn’t vanished, but Finn looked softer somehow anyway. Maybe, because he was so used to the sight by now. Smiling slightly, he pointed invitingly to the bed. His heart was racing. Finn loved him … he loved Finn… the very thought was threatening to overwhelm him and he blinked, fighting down tears.

“Sit?” he croaked.

“You’re an absolute idiot, you know that?”

Poe nodded and watched Finn sit down on the mattress, his back against the wall. “Your idiot, if I may say so,” he said, reaching for the tube standing on the bedside table. “Your idiot, if you will have me.”

“All this melodrama, Poe…” Finn said quietly, his eyes fixed on Poe’s. The few droplets of sweat sticking to his upper lip were all Poe needed to get closer to him again.

“Do you want me to shut up?”

“Hell, no!” Grinning, Finn slid his hand up Poe’s thigh, making him ache for more with every millimetre he crept upwards. “So… you love me?”

“Do you mind?” Pressing their foreheads together, Poe had to close his eyes. Finn’s breath crashing against his skin was more than he could take. “I don’t think I’ve ever said this to anyone…” He was rambling again, but he didn’t care. Finn liked it somehow, even got off on it. Popping the lid of the tube, while kissing Finn’s temple, he crowded in on Finn, whose stiff cock grazed his thigh, making him wince. “But it’s true. I swear… this whole situation right here is probably-“ Finn took the tube out of his hand- “not the best moment to say this, because you might think I’m only saying this, because- oh, kriff!”

Poe bit on his lip, holding back another moan, when Finn’s finger gently slipped into him, the lube somewhat cold against Poe’s skin, but what Finn was doing to him blew that sensation out of the water.

“Keep talking…”

Poe’s eyes fluttered open, and it was all he could do, to stare right back into those dark eyes, drowning in them, while his breath caught in his chest.

“Poe?” The look on Finn’s face startled him, but before Finn could pull out, Poe clenched tightly around him.

“Don’t you dare!” he croaked, grabbing Finn’s wrist and taking the lube out of his hand.

Finn’s movement inside of him, made him want to press against him; to feel Finn even closer than this.

“I’m fine,” he gasped, leaning back slightly. He held his palm open and put a splash of the clear substance from the tube on it. “I just want you too much.” Finn worked his way further inside of him, making Poe press his lips together.

“Like that?”

“I-“ He drifted off, having to close his eyes again.

“I like it when I make you stop talking.”

Poe couldn’t help but laugh at this, his forehead pressed against the crook of Finn’s neck. Finn wrapped his other arm tightly around his torso.

“You okay?”

“I’m good,” Poe muttered, already out of breath. “You?” He looked up at Finn again, at the wide eyes and slightly parted lips that made Poe want to kiss him again. But not without Finn’s approval.

“Couldn’t be better,” Finn assured him and Poe closed his hand around Finn’s cock, tempting the tip with his thumb. Finn threw his head back against the wall, eyes firmly shut, while Poe applied the lube.

“Make some room,” Poe muttered, taking Finn’s face into both his hands and moving in closer, his whole body tense with anticipation. “I want you,” he muttered against Finn’s lips, guiding one hand to Finn’s chest. Finn’s fingertips brushing over his cock made him gasp. “So badly.”

Though it hadn’t taken them long to get used to one another, the moment, when Finn slowly eased his way into him, pressing against that one spot that made waves of heat and pleasure rush through him, never ceased to amaze him. Finn’s heavy breathing against his lips, their mouth clashing in a kiss that never seemed to end, while they started moving in unison, drove everything else from Poe’s mind.

When he was close, he moved his lips to Finn’s neck, tickling the heated skin with soft kisses, unwilling to miss a single sound escaping Finn’s lips. Before he knew it, he was on his back, Finn pushing inside him, picking up a rhythm Poe couldn’t even match anymore. Finn’s hand, providing the exact right amount of pressure to his cock, was all it took for him to come and only seconds after, Finn shuddered, then slowed down.

Gasping for breath, Poe wrapped his arms around the heavy body pressed against his. Finn’s chest was heaving, his mouth against Poe’s cheek. “Stay like this for a moment,” Poe whispered, lips brushing against Finn’s ear. “I like this… being trapped like this beneath you.” And he did. He felt safe… comforted. Whole.

“I couldn’t move if I wanted to.” Finn’s answer made Poe chuckle. “I love you too, I guess,” he muttered sleepily, the smile audible in his voice.

“Gee, thank you.” Poe grinned and forced Finn’s head up to kiss his lips. It was all he needed. All he wanted. What else could there possibly be? The only thing restraining him were the jobs they picked up on various worlds and, admittedly, the fear of a bounty hunter catching up on them, but so far they had been lucky. Too lucky maybe.

Finn’s kiss was less urgent now, but Poe enjoyed it as usual. Being together like this, holding each other in the warmth of their combined bodies, was more than enough.

The loud beeping that rang through the entire ship was the only thing that could break the kiss. “Impeccable timing…” Finn said, pulling a face, but not making any attempts of getting up.

“You said, it’d take them a couple of hours to get here…” Poe brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek, unable to stop the smile spreading over his own face.

“Can’t be helped.” With a sigh, Finn sat up, pulling out of Poe with a sad smile on his face, but he didn’t get up, just sat there, looking down at Poe with a cheeky grin on his face.

“What?”

“You’re gorgeous.” Finn laughed, leaning in again and pressing his lips to Poe’s one last time, before getting up and reaching for his clothes. He even seemed amused to be leaving behind a blushing Poe.

 

The _Beginner_ wasn’t a big ship exactly. Nor was it new. Or pretty.

            Still Poe couldn’t help but admire it one last time, standing in the doorway of the docking bay, while Finn handled the financials with the Sullustan who had picked up the cargo. The _Beginner_ had barely managed to hold all the crates they transported here, but it had worked out fine. Finn’s smile, as he approached Poe told him that it had, in fact, worked out really well.

            “That ship’s a lucky one.” Finn put his arm around Poe’s shoulders and started pulling him towards the exit. The aftershock of what had passed between them before the Sullustans had arrived was still reverberating inside of Poe. Not the act, but something else… the words… those words. _I love you._

            “No kidding.” Without hesitation, he put his own arm around Finn’s middle. Things had indeed worked out rather well, since they had bought the ship off Lima, one of the many black market ship-dealers on Kaddak. She had sold them the HWK-290 freighter for a fair price, even if that meant that they hadn’t had any money to spare once they had bought it. But at least they had managed to get off world without too much trouble and ever since they had picked up one job after another, slowly earning the trust of their customers.

            “Urgh… it’s so hot here…” Finn sighed, shaking his head. “I hate sand!”

            “What has sand ever done to you?!” Poe couldn’t help but laugh, but he let go of Finn anyway. Holding someone close in this heat really wasn’t a good idea. Was it actually possible that one desert planet could be warmer than the other? Yes, probably, but could the difference even be picked up by the human body? Poe didn’t know, but walking through the streets of Mos Espa wasn’t fun.

            “Nothing… it’s just… so unnecessary.” Finn pulled a face and reached for Poe’s hand instead, as they pushed through the crowds. “Let’s head to a cantina and find another job, so we can get away from here?”

            “Fine by me,” Poe said, squeezing Finn’s hand and looking around. Within a few minutes of walking, Mos Espa spaceport seemed to have swallowed them up whole and they were surrounded by run-down shops selling spare parts, food stands and… cantinas. Lots of them. “Which one? Do you prefer the dodgy places? Or the scary ones? On the right, you see a dark cantina with a slightly mouldy look to it and right next to that, a mouldy looking cantina with a weird smell.”

            “Dodgy is fine,” Finn muttered, pulling Poe with him into the one cantina that didn’t look like they were going to be stabbed in, but merely being forced into a fistfight. That was something Poe could deal with.

            The smell inside wasn’t all that bad either. Some up-beat music was playing from the speakers and the bar looked fairly clean. Letting go of Finn’s hand, Poe sat down on one of the stools by the bar, while Finn went over to one of the tables. The place was reasonably filled given the time of day. “Hey,” Poe said to the barkeeper, a big alien with enormous amounts of facial hair, who was chatting up a petite Twi’lek some metres away.

            “Can I get two beers, please?”

            The barkeeper eyed him for a moment, then reached under the bar and picked up two bottles, which he slid over to Poe before returning his attention back to the Twi’lek. Frowning, Poe slammed a couple of credits on the counter and started making his way towards where Finn was sitting, already talking to a total stranger. Another Sullustan by the looks of it.

            “-saw you leaving the docking bay,” the Sullustan was saying as Poe came into earshot and Finn caught his eye.

            Poe nodded and passed one of the two bottles to Finn.

            “Morra-han, this is my partner Poe. Poe, Morra-han.”

            “Nice to meet you,” Poe said, sitting down on one of the stools, beer clutched in his hands. Usually they had to wait hours, if not days to find another job. Someone approaching them upon entering a cantina, was quite unusual. Maybe it had something to do with the man being Sullustan. Maybe the others they had dealt with earlier today had recommended them.

            The Sullustan going by the name of Morra-han nodded.

            “Morra-han was just telling me about this job…”

            Poe nodded again and turned to the Sullustan again. “And why would you honor us with that? There must be dozens of others.”

            “Well, to be honest, we’re looking for someone who is willing to operate on a regular basis. My friends spoke rather highly of you and you seem to be new in the business, right?”

            Frowning, Poe took a sip from his beer. He met Finn’s gaze for a second and from the other’s look he knew immediatey that Finn hadn’t said a word about that. “We did some light cargo shipping for the Republic,” Poe lied, sticking to the story they had been selling so far. “But with the Hosnian System gone…” The sentence stung, just like every time he had said it casually. The Hosnian System was gone because of them. Billions dead… his mother killed… because of him…

            Morra-han leaned back in his chair. “Well, this job pays better.”

            “Because it’s more dangerous?”

            Morra-han shrugged. “Depends on who you run into.” His facial features were impossible to read. Poe found the dark, black orbs irritating. He never knew what they were looking at and didn’t betray a single thought. They made him uneasy.

            “What would we be transporting?” Finn asked, rolling the bottle between his hands. “And who wouldn’t we want to run into?”

            “Kanjiklub?”

            Poe hid his smile by taking another sip. So they were dealing with a crime syndicate here. That would be fine… as long as they didn’t run into Kanjuklub… or the Republic. Though to be fair running into a Republic patrol wouldn’t get them into the trouble they’d get into if they ran into a First Order patrol, but that was a risk they were taking every day anyway. He could only hope that his flying abilities were good enough for what this man here was offering them.

            “How often would we work for you?” Finn continued asking, leaning forward.

            “Once a month. But you’d have to do a trial run first of course.”

            “Of course…” Poe muttered, weighing the pros and cons in his head, wondering how much they were risking by agreeing to this. And then he remembered the look that barkeeper had given him and he thought that getting off world as quickly as possible was probably a good idea.

            “Let’s talk money then… we only have a small freighter, so we can’t take on too much cargo, especially if it’s sensitive stuff.”

            “You’ll do fine,” the Sullustan said and Poe ignored the one look Finn threw in his direction. He’d fill Finn in later. “A couple of crates to cover up what you’re really going to be transporting to Fi-Chten. You’ll get two thousand credits now, another ten upon delivery.”

            Poe bit his lip, then nodded. That was a lot of money, he thought. He exchanged another look with Finn, who nodded in turn. He seemed to have picked up on Poe’s nervousness.

            “Fine, we’ll do it,” Finn said. And then Poe remembered what Finn had said about sand and he smiled to himself. Finn was bound to be happy most of all to have a reason, any reason really, to get off Tatooine as quickly as possible.


	17. Ambush

** Chapter 17 **

_Ambush_

 

Finn’s voice roaring up through the hatch was indistinguishable from the noises the Harris wrench was making. Poe put it down and turned away from the plumbing he had just finished fixing.

            “What?” he shouted back, rattling at the pipe and, satisfied with his work, got up. “What’s up?”

            “These crates smell funny!”

            “Then close the door and come on up, I don’t want to know what’s in there!” He had smelled it himself a couple of hours ago, when he had entered the cargo hold to check up on the crates he had remembered the Sullustan’s ominous answer to Finn’s question. What they’d be transporting and who they wouldn’t want to run into. Poe had instinctively applied the answer “Kanjiklub” to the latter question, but now that this weird smell had started wafting through the cargo hold, Poe was beginning to doubt his former assumption.

            “What do you think is in there?” Finn asked, sticking his head through the hatch with a frown on his face.

            Shaking his head, Poe put the wrench into the tool box. “I really don’t want to think about it. Let’s just close the hatch and hope the next twelve hours until we get to Fi-Chten pass quickly.”

            “Fine…” Finn muttered, pulling himself on the upper deck and slamming the hatch door shut. “I hope they really do pay us though. The cargo hold will take forever to clean.”

            “I hear you.” Poe winked at Finn and sat down in the lounge area again, pulling up his datapad. “That place isn’t big exactly, so we shouldn’t linger there for too long,” he said as he pulled up the entry on Fi-Chten. A minor moon in the Inner Rim. Not a big population, just a couple of almost forgotten mining outposts. In fact, it looked like a rather peaceful place, which, judging from the smell emanating from the crates below and the fact that someone actually wanted them on that planet, was probably a wrong guess.

            Finn slumped down next to him, pulling up the datapad they had gotten him a couple of weeks ago. Poe had no idea what Finn was reading up on it, but since Finn didn’t seem to be willing to tell him, Poe hadn’t asked thus far. Still he couldn’t help but feel curious over what it was that made Finn look this… happy?

            “Finn?” Poe asked, turning off his own datapad and putting it on the seat next to him.

            “Yeah?” Finn looked up, the smile still plastered on his face.

            “What are you doing there?”

            “Um…” Finn bit his lip, not quite meeting Poe’s gaze for a moment.

            “What?” At the sheepish look on Finn’s face, Poe couldn’t help but laugh. “Finn!”

            “You’re laughing already.”

            “Sorry!” Poe fought down the smile and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m serious now. Dead serious.”

            “Well…” Finn shrugged. “Well, it’s… you know those couple of days at Kaddak we started watching a couple of holo movies?”

            Poe nodded, remembering all too well those first couple of lazy days they had spent together and how afterwards he had made sure to get a few of those movies for their long trips.

            “Well… I kind of like these stories,” Finn said quietly. “Just… simple stuff. Happy stuff… and I- I got a couple of datacards with more stories on them from one of those dealers back on Myrkr and… well, they’re fun.”

            Poe simply couldn’t laugh at that. Recreational reading was something a lot of people in the Republic did. He had come across that phenomenon on missions for the First Order, though he had never seen the appeal in that. The fact that Finn had embraced this activity made something in his chest ache. Like someone had punched him just over his heart. “Alright,” he said, not yet fully understanding what was happening here, but he couldn’t deny the familiar warmth spreading through his chest. “May I ask why?”

            Finn shrugged, his fingertip stroking the now darkened screen almost lovingly. Like a caress. “Well… the stories… I like them.”

            Poe smiled vaguely and pulled his legs to his chest. “Fine,” he said quietly. “You like them, I want to know them. Read one to me.”

            “Oh…” Finn cleared his throat. “Might take some time… they are fairly long. I’m not even through with the third book of the series yet.”

            “We _have_ time in case you haven’t noticed.”

            “Yeah, I have…” Finn mumbled, eyes still fixed on the screen. “You won’t think I’m crazy?”

            “I already do. You ran off with me, remember?”

            That brought a smile to Finn’s lips. The one expression Poe had been looking for.

            He nodded. “Off you go then, Mister Finn,” he said, leaning back, wondering how this whole listening-to-someone-read thing was going to work out. Should he be closing his eyes, or keep staring at Finn, who already seemed self-conscious?

            Finn looked him in the eyes for a moment, then shrugged and turned his datapad on again, the simple gesture telling Poe more than he needed to know about how much Finn trusted him not to laugh at something that would have made his superiors in the Order chastise him.

            After another clearing of his throat, Finn leaned back himself, licked his lips and started reading. “Mr and Mrs Raymfide of Yavin Four, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.”

            Poe was unable to suppress a smile at this. He wasn’t used to hearing stories of fiction, but this one seemed to be funny and the grin on Finn’s face told him, that he too was enjoying himself. “What’s normal anyway?”

            “Do you want me to read or not?”

            “Read… please.”

            Finn threw him one, stern look, then turned his attention back to the story. “They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.”

            The longer Finn read, the more comfortable he seemed to become and Poe didn’t grow tired of watching him. Of burrowing himself with Finn inside this story. Of forgetting the world outside even existed. Finn’s voice was smooth, his intonation perfect. Finn was a master storyteller, Poe realized and he leaned back his head, closing his eyes the better to imagine the scene Finn was describing. Witches… wizards… what a strange idea for a story.

            Poe closed his eyes, enjoying the sound of Finn’s voice and stretching his legs out on the bench, his feet touching Finn’s legs. He marvelled at how good Finn was at this. How much he could actually enjoy a completely made up story, which was strange and funny and full of promise.

            “Okay, that’s Chapter Three…” Finn said, his voice sounding croaky.

            Poe’s eyes flew open and he smiled at Finn. “Can we keep going once you’ve had something to drink?” he asked sheepishly.

            Finn laughed, the sound making goose bumps appear on Poe’s arms. “Might be a good idea, yeah. So, you like it?”

            “Sure! Would’ve asked you to stop if I didn’t. So… who is that guy knocking at the door?”

            “Oh, you’d like to know that, wouldn’t you?” Sticking out his tongue at Poe, Finn put the datapad on the table and got up. “Well, I’m not telling you now! You have to be patie-“

            A shudder going through the ship made him stop mid-word. Poe’s heart missed a beat and he jumped to his feet.

            “What was that?” Finn stared at Poe with wide eyes.

            Shaking his head, Poe stormed past him. “Nothing good…” he muttered. As he entered the cockpit, he saw that the blur of white and blue had collapsed into stars, but this hadn’t been a normal drop out of hyperspace. On the contrary! They weren’t scheduled to drop out for hours!

            Poe swallowed hard, wondering how the hell they were going to get out of this one! Biting his lip, he flung himself into his pilot’s chair and froze when he realized that none of the controls was responding.

            “What?!” Finn came up behind him.

            “Someone pulled us out of hyperspace,” he muttered. “And we can’t move… tractor beam, I expect. We can’t move.”

            Cursing, Finn got to his station, while Poe just sat there, staring out the viewscreen, where nothing could be seen but the black vastness of space and the stars. “Well, we’re not _moving_ ,” Finn said, checking his consoles. “So, no tractor beam, but we’re not going anywhere that’s for sure.”

            Poe nodded. Well, that was something at least. Their engines might only temporarily be out of service. Taking one deep breath, he tried starting up the engines again and he closed his eyes for a brief moment, when they came to life, thanking the universe for the undeserved good luck.

Then, slowly, the tip of a gigantic ship came into view. A model Poe would recognize anywhere. “Well, this is just great,” he muttered, as the button for the comm channel flashed bright red.

            After exchanging a quick look with Poe, Finn opened the channel to the incoming message.

            “Unidentified freighter, you have been pulled out of hyperspace along with the Corellian corvette with the callsign _Stormhawk_. Identify yourselves and state your business.“

With a snort, Finn turned to look at Poe.

            “Care to answer that?”

            Shaking his head again, he pushed the ship to go to the side, turning it away from the Star Destroyer. His heart was racing, his palms slick with sweat. So, the First Order wasn’t after them. That was something, Poe thought, but it also wouldn’t be any good to be caught up in a firefight between the Order and someone else.

            Breathing heavily, he sped up. “Get us out of here, Finn!” He was chewing on his lip, as he kept pushing the ship. They had no chance of winning a fight with a Star Destroyer.

            “That’s the other ship right there!” Finn shouted, pointing to Poe’s left.

            Poe nodded, not bothering to take in what he was seeing. A fairly big corvette, sure, but what was it to them? He kept pushing, while the comm button flashed violently.

            “The nav-computer won’t respond!” Finn said next to him. “Must have short-circuited when we dropped out.”

            “Well that’s just great! See if you can fix it?”

            “On it!”

            Poe turned the ship around, steering right toward the corvette, hoping beyond hope that Finn could actually pull it off and get the damn nav-computer repaired. This was far from good… if the First Order caught them they were in big trouble. Poe didn’t even want to pause to consider the consequences.

            “Unknown freighter!”

            Poe flinched. They were flying in the direction of the corvette now and on the display he could see that the Order had launched a squadron of TIEs at them. And now someone had overridden their comm controls. Poe didn’t turn to look at Finn, just kept staring straight ahead. Looking at Finn now was out of the question. He didn’t want to think about all the time they might have had. Not about how what they had. Not about how it had been the best time of his life and how much he didn’t want it to end.

            “This is the _Stormhawk_. We see you’re running from the Order and you’re having trouble with your hyperdrive apparently. Care to come aboard?”

            Poe swallowed hard, then turned his head slightly to look at Finn. The barely visible nod Finn gave him, was all it took to convince him that this offer might very well be the lesser of two evils. Already the TIEs were closing in on them and without a functioning hyperdrive they had no chance whatsoever of escaping.

            He let out a breath, then hit the comm switch. “Thanks for the offer. We’re taking you up on that.”

            He flung the freighter around once more, moving all energy to their thrusts.

            “Hurry up then, we’re leaving in a minute.”

            Poe pressed his lips tightly together, as flashes of green laser fire rushed past them, one of them scraping the lower outer hull of their ship. With a curse, Poe managed to steer against the impact. The small hangar was easy enough to see. Without pausing to slow down more than absolutely necessary, Poe rushed inside, immediately igniting the reverse thrusters to stop their flight and then cut off the engines. Next moment, even before their ship had set down properly, the corvette around them shook once and Poe knew they had jumped to lightspeed.

            “You sure this was a good idea?”

            Poe bit his lip, then shook his head. “Probably wasn’t, but there wasn’t a whole lot we could have done, right?”

            Outside he could see humans and aliens rushing towards them. None of them were wearing uniform as far as he could tell. That was something at least. He reached for their blasters hanging on two hooks near the hatch and passed one of them to Finn. “Just to make sure,” he muttered, strapping the belt with the holster around his waist and lowering himself down the hatch.

            Finn followed him into the lower part of the ship and as soon as both their feet had touched the floor, the lights came on. They exchanged a look, then approached the ramp side by side. It was weird, Poe thought, that they had been real partners from the get go. After that incident on Jakku, all difference of rank between them had vanished. They had always seen eye to eye. Always. Mostly because of Finn’s courage, he knew. Finn was the brave one. The strong one and Poe almost always seemed to tag along. Or it felt that way anyway. Not that he minded, but he was glad about the fact that they were in this together. Even in this situation, when they had no idea who or what they were facing here.        

Finn nodded and then, without another moment’s hesitation, he pressed the button that released the loading ramp. With a soft hissing noise the ramp was lowered and Poe and Finn started walking down to face their hosts. The only calming thought going through Poe’s mind was that at least these people too were on the First Order’s black list. They could only hope that meant that these people didn’t have any interest of buying their own bounty off by selling Poe and Finn to the Order.

A Balosar female in a dark grey tunic approached them, antennapalps moving in their direction. Poe forced himself not to stare at them, but at her face instead. “Welcome aboard,” she said smilingly. “I hope you don’t mind that we’re going to search your ship before we do anything else?”

Poe clenched his teeth, then crossed his arms across his chest. “Actually we _do_ mind,” he said. “Seeing that it’s _our_ ship.”

The Balosar tutted, then stepped onto the ramp. “We got you out of a pretty tight spot there, didn’t we? Don’t you think you should be more cooperative?”

“I believe distracting the Order long enough for you to regain control over your systems to be able to get us all out of there should be enough,” he retorted.

Taken aback, the woman raised her thin eyebrows.

“Come on, we don’t have a choice anyway, do we?” Finn said, putting one hand on Poe’s arm.

Gritting his teeth, Poe nodded and stepped aside. “Just don’t be surprised at the smell in the cargo hold. It started, about half a day after we took off and I don’t want to look in there.”

“Ah, the glorious job of smuggling?”

Poe snorted, as two female aliens whose species Poe couldn’t identify walked past them, green, veil-like hair almost whispering in their wake.

“Our Captain would like to talk with you.” The Balosar stretched out her hand. “I’m 

Kal’na by the way. Kal’na Gongalla. First Officer of the _Stormhawk._ ”

Finn and Poe exchanged a quick look, then Finn reached out to shake her hand first. “I’m Finn,” he said. “My partner Kes Bey…” They had kept to introducing Poe with this name more and more often, especially as a way to show the other that they didn’t trust the person they had just started talking to.

Poe shook her hand and after throwing one last look at the two women opening the door to the cargo hold in the back, followed Kal’na down the ramp. What choice did they have anyway? They could call themselves lucky not to be in the First Order’s custody right now.

“So the Order dragged you out of hyperspace?”, Finn asked as they moved into a narrow, white corridor and Poe noticed that only one other person came along with them, probably to guard their passengers and their First Officer.

“Yes, and as your friend pointed out, you managed to distract them long enough. It’s probably none of my business, but why are they after you?”

Poe shrugged. They had now entered another corridor with several rooms alongside it, paced out at long intervals. “Yes, it’s not really any of your business.”

Kal’na looked at him, then shrugged. If anything, they’d have to be the first ones to talk. Not him. “I don’t know you and I have to say that I know most smugglers, I’ve got a pretty good memory, but you…”

“Yeah, we’re new,” Finn interrupted her.

She scoffed. So, they were smugglers too and by the looks of it part of a fairly big organization. No wonder the Order might be interested in getting hold of them and force them into service. Outsourcing shipping had been one of the Order’s number one priorities to establish in the galaxy, Poe knew. It required vast amounts of personnel the Order didn’t have to spare and most importantly they had to operate in secret without the New Republic being able to track them properly. The big organizations were bound to be targets of the Order now that the Order was reaching out to the Republic’s territories, trying to expand their area of control.

“Who is your boss?” Poe asked, “any chance we might have heard of _him_?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Seeing as you’re _new…”_ She smirked at them and stopped in front of the doors. She held her thumb over a small sensor and the door slid open, revealing a small conference room with chairs lined up around an oval table. When Poe stepped inside after Finn and Kal’na and he saw the man standing at one of the viewscreens, he stopped in his tracks. Unable to move, he stared at the familiar face framed by reddish, messy hair.

“Poe?” The man rasped, brown eyes blinking. “Poe Dameron?”

Poe blinked. Unable to move. Unable to do anything but stare at the man who had almost ruined his career in the Order. Who had meant so much to him once. The only thing he felt, as the man drew closer, signalling to Kal’na, who grabbed Finn by the arm and started pulling him outside, was his heart racing and his ears almost burning with a feeling Poe couldn’t even begin to name.

His throat was dry, as Morap grabbed his face and pulled him close, lips touching. The door slid shut with a soft noise and for a moment, heart thumping wildly in his chest, it was all Poe could do to just stand there and let it happen. Let those familiar lips roam over his and allow that scent to flood his senses. But this was wrong! So wrong!

With a jerk, he pushed Morap away from him, then reached over to wipe his hand over the door lock. With a hiss, the door opened again, revealing Finn just staring at him. “Come on in, Finn,” he muttered. “If you want…” He swallowed hard, trying not to look at Morap, face burning with shame, praying that Finn could forgive him.

“Poe?” Morap asked, but Poe held up a trembling hand without looking at him, anger flaring up inside of him.

“This is the guy I told you about” Poe said quietly, as Kal’na let go of the blaster strapped to her leg. “I’m sorry.”

The tension didn’t leave Finn’s face for a single moment, but he stepped inside anyway. For a second Poe thought Finn was going to put his arm possessively around Poe, but the fact that he didn’t told him more than Poe needed to know.

“The… _guy_?” Morap asked and only when he closed the door again, shutting the three of them inside this small conference chamber, did Poe look at him again. “Is that all? I-“

“You know very well what you did to me, pal. What else would you be to me now?” He had raised his voice without meaning to. Face still hot, he wanted to reach for something and throw it into that face he had been so familiar with once.

“Poe…” Morap sighed and wiped his hand across his face. “I-“

“What the kriff is even going on here?” Finn hissed. “I thought you were with the Resistance now?”

Morap seemed startled at this and stared at Finn, eyes studying the face in front of him. “I- what?”

“You heard him,” Poe snorted, crossing his arms across his chest to stop his hands from shaking or reaching out for Finn. To apologize. To make it all go away. He had been so overwhelmed by seeing Morap. So stunned by his sudden appearance in this unlikely place. How could he have been so stupid and even let him near him?! “You have a _lot_ of explaining to do.”

Morap narrowed his eyes, then brushed one of his hands through his hair. Only now did Poe see the cybernetic finger. “You’re still with the Order?”

Poe bit his lip, when Finn spoke up again, rage barely contained in his voice. “Of course he isn’t. We were running from them same as you, weren’t we?”

Morap slumped down in one of the chairs. He had lost weight, Poe realized with a twinge. “You…” Morap cleared his throat, then pointed at Finn. “You were in the Order too?”

“Yes, I was, actually.” Finn’s hands were balled into fists and he was shaking all over. “What do you care?”

Morap smiled slightly, his eyes glinting mishieviously, making his face look almost like it had back when Poe had still considered himself in love with this man who had betrayed him. “Please sit down,” Morap said, pointing to the chairs. “We’re not dropping out of hyperspace again for at least a day, so you might as well relax.”

Poe pressed his lips tightly together, but pulled up one of the chairs anyway. “Fine.” He said. “What did you do to piss of the Order like that? Do they know who you are?”

“No, they don’t.” Morap shook his head and for a moment it looked as if he was going to reach over and touch Poe’s hand. But he didn’t.

As if to prove a point Finn sat down on Poe’s other side, hands folded over the table top. “You know we need to make a delivery.”

Morap nodded slowly, eyes roaming over Finn, then at Poe. “Where are you headed?”

“Fi-Chten.” Poe closed his eyes for a moment, trying very hard to slow down is heartrate and failing utterly.

“We can drop you off there. What happened to your hyperdrive?”

“We don’t know exactly. Haven’t had time to check it over to be honest.” Poe looked over to see Finn stare at Morap with his jaw clenched and his heart plummeted at the sight of him.

“I can let a technician-“

“We’ll let you know if we need help.” Finn interrupted him, his hands so tightly clasped Poe, could almost hear the joints cracking.

“Morap, where the hell have you been?” Poe asked, putting a hand on Finn’s arm, even if the other man didn’t even bother to look at him. Finn was angry with him. He had every right to be.

“Here and there…” Morap muttered, eyes flashing from Poe to Finn and back again. “I’m sorry…” he gulped. “I just thought…” Their eyes met and Poe could see the regret in Morap’s eyes. “I apologize.” He got up, then moved to the door. “I should give you some time, I expect. I can have a cabin prepared for you or-“

With a jerk, Finn pulled himself free from Poe and jumped to his feet. “I’ll be on our ship,” he declared and before Poe had even gotten to his feet, he had stormed out the door. Poe saw Morap gesturing for Kal’na to let him go.

“Poe, can we-“

“Not right now,” Poe muttered, storming after Finn, not entirely sure he even wanted to talk to Morap anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all the lovely comments!!


	18. A Few Steps Back

** Chapter 18 **

_A Few Steps Back_

****

He caught up with him before Finn had even reached the hangar. “Finn!” he called, as he was level with him. “Finn, I’m sorry!”

            “I heard you the first time.”

            “Could you please stop walking?”

            “I really don’t want to.” Finn didn’t even turn his head to look at Poe, who had trouble keeping up with Finn’s long strides.

            “You don’t want to talk to me?”

            “Not right now, no.”

            At this, Poe stopped abruptly. His heart seemed to have plummeted to his knees. “Can we talk later?”

            “I don’t know yet… probably. Just leave me be.”

            Poe swallowed hard as he watched Finn enter the hanger and walk towards their ship. The two women who had walked up the ramp previously, were just leaving. Finn didn’t pay any attention to them, but closed the ramp behind him, leaving Poe standing there in the hangar without the means to contact him. This had never happened… they’d had arguments before, but never on this scale.

            Pressing his lips together, he just kept staring at the ship which had become their home over the last few months and seeing Finn locking himself away from him inside it made him feel empty, a vast void spreading through his chest.

            “I didn’t know you and him…” The familiar voice behind him made him flinch. Poe didn’t turn to look at Morap. For a split second, he considered bunking here in the hangar underneath the ship, just to be close to Finn, but that would only look pathetic.

            “Yeah, well… I thought you were cleverer than that…thinking I’d be pining for you after what you pulled.” Still not meeting his gaze, Poe turned around again and started walking into the opposite direction, not caring where his feet were carrying him. He had no idea where he was, who these people were or what he had to expect next, he only knew that he didn’t want Finn to look out the viewscreen and see him standing in the hangar talking with Morap… not that walking away with Morap at his heels would do anything to improve the situation.

            “Poe…”

            Poe scoffed. He had reached the corridor with the conference room again. The door was still open and the guards, along with Kal’na had vanished. He walked inside the room, knowing full well that Morap would follow him. “What?” he hissed, leaning against a table, arms crossed over his chest. “What do you want from me?”

            Morap’s shoulders sagged, a disheartened expression slowly creeping over his face. It only made Poe angrier to see him like this, though to be fair, he didn’t know _what_ it was he wanted of Morap. “I just thought…” Morap cleared his throat, then closed the door again to lean against it. “I... that night on the _Starburst_ you made it really clear that you didn’t want to leave with me.”

            Poe pressed his lips together and shook his head, remembering his last moments on Starkiller Base and how he had thought of Morap’s parting remarks then. The words whispered in the dead of night, when they had both been exhausted from lovemaking and the toils of the day, their lips almost brushing. “I didn’t,” he said shifting uncomfortably. “Didn’t mean I wanted you to leave.”

            “I had to. You know I had to! I couldn’t take it anymore. The regulations, the oppression, the anger at the Republic and… and Starkiller. You saw what it did, didn’t you? I’m pretty sure everyone did!”

            Poe nodded slightly, and brushed his hand over his neck. “Yes, we did. It was the reason we left… before the weapon was fired.”

            Something like an unhappy smile started creeping up on Morap’s face. “Really… does that make you feel any better? That you quit the Order before they killed billions of people?”

            Gritting his teeth, Poe pushed away from the table. “Don’t you dare lay that on me,” he hissed, feeling the anger starting to boil up inside of him again. He knew exactly why Morap had said this. He wanted to make Poe angry and he had achieved his goal with ease. “Don’t throw this in my face, I didn’t make the Order the way it is!”

            “No, the Order made you who _you are_.”

            Balling his hands into fists, Poe took a step back, forcing himself to take a deep, calming breath. Morap was right. Even if Poe didn’t want him to be. “Same as you,” he said. “Same as Finn. Doesn’t mean we are what they want us to be.”

            “I suppose not,” Morap said with that smile that used to make Poe want to wrap his arms around him and kiss him.

            “How did you end up here anyway?”

            “Your… friend said you thought I was with the Resistance?”

            Poe nodded slowly, folding his arms across his chest again and stepping towards the viewscreens, staring out at the bluish whirl of hyperspace surrounding them. He didn’t want to look at Morap anymore. He had hurt enough for a lifetime.

            “Are you here to spy on me? Another one of your undercover missions?”

            Poe turned his head, staring right into Morap’s face. “You think I’d do that? Sell out someone I used to love once to the Order? Thanks, you must think highly of me.”

            “You loved me?”

            Poe shrugged, then turned back to stare outside again, even if the sight made him dizzy. “Doesn’t matter now if I did. I can’t even remember what you were to me.” It wasn’t quite true. He knew exactly how he had felt about Morap, or at least he knew how he felt about him now. He had been in love with him, yes, but he _loved_ Finn and that love was something he could neither ignore nor weigh against what he had once had with Morap. He only wanted to lash out at him right now and he had just used the only weapon he thought he had. Morap had hurt Finn and that was unforgiveable.

            “So you just happened to be there, when we were dropped out of hyperspace?”

            “I suppose so. Bad luck, I guess.”

            “And this Finn-guy is your new partner? He wasn’t at the Academy with us, was he? He’s too young.”

            “No, he wasn’t.” Poe shrugged, gritting his teeth at the same time. “He was a Stormtrooper.”

            Morap behind him whistled and Poe felt like turning around and smashing his fist into Morap’s pretty face. He knew exactly what Morap was getting at. They had often wondered at how low an officer could sink to force a Stormtrooper to his bed and the very fact that Morap thought this was what had happened with him and Finn made his insides churn.

            “Don’t give me that…” Poe said quietly, his voice forcibly calm as he slowly turned around. “You have no idea what happened and I sure as hell am not going to tell you.”

            Morap’s eyes narrowed and Poe could feel his breath on his skin as Morap exhaled. Poe hadn’t even realized Morap had approached him again.

            “Poe…” Morap muttered, raising a hand to put it on Poe’s shoulder. Tentatively he started turning Poe so he was facing him. “I’m sorry. You… you have no idea how much I missed you.”

            Raising an eyebrow, Poe put his hand and Morap’s chest and pushed him away. Morap’s hand slipped from his shoulder. “You don’t get to tell me that,” Poe answered. “You left me, remember? You left me to be interrogated by Kafr and Hux and you didn’t give a damn. You didn’t even trust me enough to tell me what you had planned, so don’t tell me you regret leaving me behind.”

            Morap swallowed visibly, then looked down at the floor, nodding slowly. He took a step back and sat down on one of the tables. “What about Meelan? Have you seen him?”

            The name made Poe’s stomach twinge uncomfortably. “He’s doing better in the Order than I ever could,” Poe said, venom in his voice. “He became a good friend for a while.”

            Raising an eyebrow, Morap looked up again. “You and Meelan?” He smiled crookedly. “How did that happen?”

            Poe shrugged. “It just did.”

            “And then what? What made you see what they were doing to you?”

            Poe wrinkled his nose. Morap hadn’t earned the right to this story. He hadn’t earned hearing about the woman who haunted his dreams and the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he woke up. The feeling, which only started to abate when he saw Finn lying next to him, snoring softly in his ear. “You haven’t told me a thing about you. Where are all the others you took with you?”

            Morap pulled a face. “Some of them joined the Resistance but most just went their own way once we were clear of the Order. Haven’t heard of them since.”

            “And you?”

            “I’m a smuggler, as you can see. A fairly successful one at that, I might add.”

            Poe scoffed. “Show-off.” Shaking his head, he looked out the viewscreen again, only to have somewhere to look other than Morap. For a moment, as silence stretched out between them, he couldn’t help but wonder how his life would have turned out to be, had he followed Morap into the Unknown. Somehow their lives had taken similar turns, but Poe would have thought that Morap, idealistic, funny and unorganized Morap, would have tried to do something other with his life but assume the existence as a scoundrel and an outlaw. But then again… it was kind of fitting.

            “But I’m glad you got out in time,” Morap said and Poe merely shrugged. He hadn’t gotten out soon enough in his opinion. He should never have returned to the Order in the first place, but tried to get away from Jakku with Finn.

            “I wish we could have warned the Republic,” he muttered. “Don’t get me wrong: I still don’t like them, but that attack… it was too much. Too violent. Even for them.”

            “You had no means of contacting them in time, I suppose. And you would have ended up in prison probably. Me too. That’s why I stayed away.”

            Poe took a deep breath. “Still,” he mumbled, closing his eyes against the glare outside. “I’m still surprised the Resistance haven’t started a counter attack yet, you know? At least I haven’t heard anything. Have you?”

            “Are you here as a spy after all?”

            This time Poe couldn’t even begin to take offense. The light tone in which Morap had said it made his heart miss a beat. He could feel something lingering behind that tone. He turned around again, then sat down in one of the chairs, a sudden idea flashing through his mind. “If you checked the proper channels out there you’d find out that there’s a real nice bounty on my head probably. Finn’s too. If I were a spy I wouldn’t have told you about Finn being my significant other.”

            At that Morap flinched but he leaned back, resting his hands behind him on the table. An almost seductive pose. A few years ago, Poe would have gladly taken him up on the offer that inviting smile was giving him. Today it made his throat tighten.

            “Unless you were trying to play hard to get. I did break things off after all.”

            “Just stop it…” Poe said, shaking his head. “And don’t tell me you lived like a monk all these years.”

            Morap shrugged. “I didn’t… but-“

            “Morap…” he stood up again. “I need to talk with Finn,” he added angrily, hoping beyond hope that Finn had cooled down somewhat and he started towards the door again.

            “Alright!” Morap sat up straight again. “I might know something… do you really want to join them?”

            Poe shook his head. No, he didn’t. But he might have something to trade for them. Something that might protect him and Finn, if the Order lost this war. “I don’t know,” he said instead. He couldn’t help but feel disgusted at the smug smile on Morap’s face. Somehow he had felt better about Morap these last few months. Imagining Morap fighting the injustice the Order had inflicted not only on them, but on so many others in the galaxy, had almost made him admire Morap for his determination and idealism. At this precise moment, when he knew that Morap was only thinking of himself, Poe realized that he was doing just the same. He felt like he had lost the ability to breathe.

            “Do you know someone?”

            Morap shrugged. “Maybe. If I do, will you let me know if you need my help?”

            Poe nodded. “Fine.”

 

Finn hadn’t locked the ship, which was more than Poe would have expected. He climbed the ladder leading up to the second deck and wasn’t surprised to see Finn sitting in the cockpit. The bedroom would have been the last place he himself would have gone in Finn’s stead.

            “Do you want to talk to me now?” he asked softly, standing in the doorway. Finn was sitting in the pilot’s seat, feet up on one of the now dead consoles.

            A low grunt from Finn was all the encouragement Poe needed to sit down in the navigator’s chair. “You saw me coming?”

            Finn nodded in response, eyes still focused on the viewscreen overlooking the now empty hangar. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was staring into nothingness, head leaned back and lips pressed together into a thin line.

            “Finn, I am sorry, I was completely taken aback. I had no idea he was going to be here.”

            “Do you want to stay here with him? I’m no pilot like you, but I guess I could fly this ship alone.”

            Poe’s mouth fell open and it took him a whole minute to find the strength to respond. “What?” he croaked, stretching out his hand to touch Finn’s forearm. Finn didn’t pull back from the touch, but his utter lack of movement made Poe want to flinch away. “Finn…” he muttered, getting up, moving closer and crouching down next to Finn’s chair, both hands clutched tightly around Finn’s. “Why would I want to stay with him? Why? Why in the name of all that is good would I want to be with someone who betrayed me and left me? Finn, look at me!” Poe bit on his lip, trying very hard to keep from babbling.

            Finn reached up and brushed his free hand over his eyes, wiping away the tears before they could burst forth. The sight made Poe’s chest contract painfully.

            “Didn’t you hear me when I told you I loved you?” Poe whispered. “Why would that have changed?"

            “You were with him for ten years, weren’t you?” Finn replied finally and Poe caught his other hand in his, holding both Finn’s hands and clutching at them as if to a life raft.

            “So?”

            “So he kissed you.”

            “And you didn’t like it.”

            “Did you?”

            Poe smiled weakly. “Not even a bit,” he whispered, placing a kiss on each of Finn’s hands, keeping his eyes trained on the knuckles. “I was just surprised to see him. I had no idea he’d be here and he always had a way of overwhelming me with things like that. But not like you. You overwhelm me in a totally different way. I- I don’t know how to begin to tell you how very different the two of you are. How much you mean to me. How much I need you. I never needed him, but I need you and I’m rambling again and I’m sorry, but I just don’t want you to leave me here, just because some jerk tried to get between us.” Shaking his head, he pressed his forehead to Finn’s hands, feeling tears stinging in his eyes now. If Finn decided to leave him now, then he had no idea how to keep going and that was probably the very significant and most important difference between these two relationships. He hadn’t needed Morap, but he did need Finn. He needed Finn more than water or air. He needed Finn to be whole. “Please tell me I haven’t screwed it all up.”

            “I just thought you wanted him instead. Seeing as you’ve known him longer.”

            Poe looked up again, but before he could reply, Finn had grabbed his face and pulled him up, sealing his lips with a kiss that almost managed to untangle the knot in the pit of his stomach.

            “You haven’t screwed up,” Finn said as he pulled away. “It’s _his_ nose I want to break.”

            Poe shook his head again, almost grinning. “Yeah, same…” he cleared his throat.  “Still. I’m sorry. And thank you for listening.”

            Finn’s thumb brushed over his cheek. “Don’t you want to sit somewhere comfortable? Your knees must be killing you.”

            “I’m not that old, you know?”

            “So you keep saying. Come on, sit with me and tell me what you talked about. I hate his guts, but I need to know so I don’t start freaking out once you leave the room.”

            With a sigh, Poe came to his feet, wrapped his arms around Finn’s neck and sat on his lap. Being held like this was comforting, but it didn’t quite help him ignore the panic still resounding in the marrow of his bones. “He wanted to know why we left… I didn’t tell him. None of his business I guess.”

            Finn nodded, then pushed his hand through Poe’s hair. No real smile had crept across Finn’s lips so far, but he appeared to be calmer but no less angry. “No, it isn’t.” Hand on Poe’s neck, he pulled him closer, gently pressing his lips on Poe’s. “I got the nav computer working again,” he mumbled. “So I guess we’re leaving as soon as we drop out of hyperspace again? We have some smelly stuff in the hold after all.”

            Poe shrugged. “Fine by me. But, alright, don’t bite my head off, but despite everything I’d like to stay in contact with him.” Before Finn could protest, Poe put his finger on his lips, silencing him. “Not because I want to be near him, or be his friend, but because he mentioned that he has ties to the Resistance and personally I can’t get what they did to the Hosnian system out of my head. I know I didn’t fire that weapon, but I helped build up its defence. I am partially responsible. I helped improve the TIEs. The Order’s strength is on me too and I hate it. After all they did to us… I want to do something. I still have the plans of their new Star Destroyers on my datapad.”

            Finn closed his eyes, nodded and kissed Poe’s fingertip. “I get it,” Finn said. “Believe me, I do. And I suppose I have something too.” He sighed and as he looked up at Poe again there was something in his eyes which made Poe sit up straight. “I didn’t tell you at the time, because you were sick and afterwards there was no time. First the thing with Hux, then your mother and after our escape it didn’t seem to matter.”

            “What are you talking about.”

            Finn smiled weakly and cocked his head. “When you were in that hut with San Tekka and sent Slip to run to the shuttle, Slip bumped into me before running off. He dropped the memory device and I- I picked it up.”

            Poe stared at him with his eyes wide open, unable to respond. Finn had taken the device… the map to Skywalker! Finn had it! Or had he left it on Starkiller? “What are you saying?”

            “I didn’t give it to Hux after that talk, don’t worry.” Finn bit his lip. “I didn’t really feel like helping the Order after they practically set us up to fail. It’s still inside that AT-AT walker on Jakku.”

 


	19. Borrowed Time

** Chapter 19 **

_Borrowed Time_

 

Poe stared at Finn, his throat tight. To his own surprise, he wasn’t angry. Finn had had every right to keep this from him, and really, what did it matter? The location of Luke Skywalker was of no importance to them. Not as long as they stayed out of this fight anyway.

            “Did we just decide to help the Resistance?” he asked hesitantly. He had never thought this day would come, but apparently it had. These last few hours had shown him that. Not only had he realized that they couldn’t possibly keep running from the Order for the rest of their lives, but it had also become apparent that he didn’t want to be the coward he had been most of his life. He wanted to do something, _anything_ to prove that he wasn’t like Morap.

            Finn nodded slowly. “It would seem so. But first we should probably deliver those crates down there, before the smell gets any worse.”

            “Fine by me,” Poe said, getting to his feet. “We should get some rest, though. As long as we’re still in hyperspace.”

            A soft whistling sound made Poe spin around. “What’s that?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at Finn.

            “Yeah, well I did have some help with the navcomputer. He was here when I got back. Didn’t seem to be messing anything up either, so I let him keep going.”

            “You understand Binary?” Poe asked, unable to suppress a laugh. “Why did you let it in?”

            “Well, as it just went over to the nav computer and plugged itself in and the letters flashing across the screen over there told me what it wanted to do…”

            “You trust that droid?” Poe asked.

            “Oh well, I thought we could always check the system for viruses or whatever later. They know where we’re going anyway don’t they?”

            “Yeah, I suppose…”

            “Hey! Anyone here?” The voice from below was the last thing Poe wanted to hear at the moment, but there was not much he could do about it. They were still aboard Morap’s ship after all.

            “We’re up here!” Poe didn’t take his eyes off Finn as he said this, who merely raised his eyebrows and stayed where he was, feet up on the consoles. The relaxed post a perfect mask to what he was really feeling probably.

            A moment later, Morap appeared in the doorway. “I can see my friend is working back there. You’re okay with that?”

            Finn scoffed, then folded his hands behind his head. “Shouldn’t we be?”

            Morap shrugged, meeting Finn’s gaze. “I don’t know. Are you?”

            “It’s fine.”

            With a sigh, Morap turned to Poe again. “We’ll be dropping out in about an hour near Fi-Chten.”

            “Thanks.” Poe crossed his arms again and took a deep breath.

            “So… I guess this is it?”

            “This is it… for now. We might want to contact you again though.”

            Morap cleared his throat, brushing his hand through his messy red hair. “You do, huh?”

            “Shut up.” With a scowl, Poe took a step towards him. “Just in case we have something for your friends with the Resistance.”

            Morap laughed. “I never said I was friends with any of them. And since when are you so interested in their cause, Poe?”

            “Oh, just cut it out!” Finn was beside Poe all of a sudden, hands on his hips and his eyes narrowed. “Will you just stop being….”

            “Being what? What’s your name again? Finn?” The sneer on his lips made Poe want to step forward and push him back, even though he knew all that would accomplish was to make this whole situation even worse.

            “Does it really matter why I’ve changed my mind, Morap? Don’t you think you owe it to me? This one favour?” He wasn’t exactly sure Morap owed him anything. Probably not. If anything, Poe had driven Morap away as much as the Order had, but that didn’t seem to matter now.

            Morap sighed. “Alright.” He shrugged, backing off. “Beebee-Ate here will know how to contact me. I won’t bother you anymore.” He looked as if he was going to reach out and touch Poe’s arm one more time, but the beginning movement was cut short before Finn could even register it. “I’ll be off then.”

            “We don’t need an astromech.” Finn said, all the anger gone from his voice.

            “You might need one. You never know. Just take him.” Morap turned and started walking away, as a white and orange Beebee-unit shot out of the bathroom, where Poe had repaired the plumbing before they had been dragged out of hyperspace.  “You stay with them, Beebee-Ate, alright? Take good care of them!” Morap didn’t turn to look at them again. The droid rolled forward, its sensors trained on the figure disappearing in the trap door.

 

Fi-Chten was a moon like so many others, though to be fair, the climate in the area where their designated landing site was, was infinitely more bearable than that on Tatooine or Jakku. Poe shuddered, just imagining that they had to go back to the desert world next. He looked over at Finn and smiled slightly at the look of utter concentration on his face as he studied the map the Sullustan on Tatooine had given them. The city of Welhagen where they had landed was densely populated, but by far not as big as the spaceport of Mos Espa. The droid was plugged into a socket on the right of the pilot’s chair. Poe had to admit that navigating this ship with a little help from the droid had been a lot easier than without.

            “You alright?” he asked, getting to his feet and ignoring the droid complaining shrilly about having to make room for Poe.

            “Yes,” Finn sighed, closing the map. “Just wanted to make sure we know where we are and how to get away as quickly as possible.”

            Poe nodded, remembering that he should have thought of that, too. “Thanks. Hey, droid!”

            A low beeping told Poe that the droid apparently didn’t appreciate being addressed like that. The machine seemed to have an odd personality program anyhow. Someone should have wiped its memory more often, Poe thought, wondering how long the droid might have remained like that it had developed this kind of personality.

            “Alright, Beebee… watch the ship while we unload alright? We’re running late. Can you keep a lookout for approaching people? Can your sensors handle that?”

            Another set of sounds, which Poe couldn’t even begin to translate, made Poe’s ears ring, but at least he thought he understood that the droid was outraged at Poe even posing this question.

            “Alright. Thank you.” He threw Finn a significant look, then started towards the lower deck. Morra-han had given them a precise date and time for the delivery and originally they would have had time to spare, but as it was, what with the attack by the First Order and their detour on Morap’s ship, they had only just made it in time. The small hangar on the outskirts of Welhagen in which they had landed, was barely big enough to hold the _Beginner,_ but that didn’t really matter so long as they managed to get out of here before things got sour. He only hoped that they wouldn’t.

            While he opened the door to the hold, grateful for the air conditioning inside to have kept down the temperature somewhat so the smell had subsided significantly, Finn moved to the loading ramp.

            “We’re really gonna go back there?” Finn asked, as Poe stepped inside the hold. “To Jakku?”

            “I suppose so,” Poe answered, starting up the repulsorlifts beneath the crates. “Why? Don’t you want to do this?” He looked up at Finn standing on top of the now open loading ramp, evening sunlight streaming inside, making it impossible for Poe to make out Finn’s features.

            “No, it’s the right thing to do, I suppose… just… all the sand. Didn’t we say we say we had enough of that?”

            Chuckling, Poe leaned in, kissing Finn briefly on the cheek. “You said _you_ had enough of it.”

            “Yeah, right. Because you’re such an enthusiast.”

            Grinning to himself, Poe pushed the first crate down the ramp, while Finn went back inside to get the next one. Morra-han had told them the hangar had been paid for already and the code he had provided them with had opened the door well enough. Now they only needed to wait for the other party to arrive.

            He was pushing the last crate outside, when he heard a soft whistling coming from inside the ship. Turning to Finn, raised an eyebrow, checking the perimeter one more time. “Here we go,” he murmured, turning towards the door and freezing in place when he saw the four figures in white armour walk in.

            Finn’s hand was on the small of his back before his finger had even twitched towards his blaster. “Don’t,” Finn whispered. “No use. If they know it’s us, they’re bound to have guards everywhere.”

            Poe nodded, his tongue sticking to the roof of his head. Finn was right. As usual. “Just… stay calm.”

            Finn scoffed, his lips almost forming a smile.

            Swallowing hard, Poe moved forward, when he saw another person walk in. When their eyes met, Poe felt his heart sink. This was it. Six months. That was the exact amount of time he and Finn had had before it had all gone to ruins. He only wished he had given the plans to the Star Destroyers to Morap before this.

            Meelan stood stock still for a moment, eyes fixed on Poe, then slowly moving on to Finn. He turned his head, opened his mouth as if to say something to the Stormtroopers filing in to the small hangar, then seemed to think better of it. Taking a deep breath, he started walking towards them. “You are Bey?” he asked, his eyes never leaving Poe’s face. His mouth was pressed into a very thin line, and the anger at seeing him here only too apparent. What was Meelan doing here? Why him of all people?

            Poe nodded, then pointed at Finn. “My partner Finn.”

            Meelan didn’t stretch out a hand towards Poe and Poe was grateful for it. His heart was racing. What in the galaxy had he done to deserve this? It didn’t seem like Meelan would betray them, at least not straight away, but that didn’t mean that this situation couldn’t become more dangerous.

            Poe took a deep, calming breath, as Meelan took out his datapad and scanned the code embedded in the first crate.

            “What’s inside?” Finn asked, sounding as if he didn’t mind the whole situation. “The smell isn’t our fault.”

            Meelan nodded. “No, it’s not,” he answered and waved at the troopers standing by the door. Four of them started towards them. “And it’s none of your business, smuggler.”

            Swallowing hard, Poe took a step back, following Meelan’s example to make room for the Stormtroopers. They had been on the run from the Order for six months now and to encounter Meelan of all people seemed like a stroke of fate.

            “You’re not going to rat us out?” he whispered, as the Stormtroopers started shoving the crates towards the exit.

            Meelan’s gaze met his again. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Meelan replied a sneer twisting his lips. “You should be aware however that both your names and the name of your ship will be in my report.”

            “You’re saying that you’ll let us go but you’re going send some head hunters on our trail just to make sure we don’t get away us after all?” Finn hissed and with a raised eyebrow Meelan looked him up and down, hands clasped firmly behind his back. As if thinking over whether or not he should answer a Stormtrooper’s question.

            “You are free to think whatever you please,” he said and as the last Stromtrooper was out of earshot, he reached into his pocket, pulling out a satchel and throwing it at Poe. When he caught it, Poe could hear the clinking of credits. “Just be grateful it was me who found you here.” With that he turned around, walking swiftly towards the exit without turning back to look at them.

            Poe closed his eyes, as the door slid shut behind him and he could feel his shirt sticking to his back.

            “That was close…” Finn mumbled and Poe couldn’t help but laugh.

            “You think?” Smiling, Poe weighed the credits in his hand, then opened the satchel.

            “Still wondering what the First Order wants with whatever is in those crates.”

            Poe shuddered. “Me too. But I don’t want to know. Meelan works with the security bureau from time to time. No idea what they’re up to these days.” He swallowed hard as he checked the content of the satchel, spilling the chips into his open palm. It seemed to be the price they had agreed upon with the Sullustan back on Tatooine. The smile slowly faded from his lips as he realized that these chips could most likely be tracked back to them at some point. It would have been something Meelan would have thought of. Meelan… who would have thought he’d see both him and his brother again within the same day? 

            For a moment Poe couldn’t help but think back to their long talks and the feeling of having found a true friend within the Order. And then that feeling had been taken from him within a heartbeat.

Had he remained with the Order, Poe and Meelan might have been able to patch things up eventually.

He would have remained an officer in the First Order.

He would have gotten to know Meelan’s child at some point.

He would have kept on fighting the Republic and the Resistance.

Shaking his head, he put the credits back in the satchel.

“We can’t keep those, can we?” Finn asked quietly.

“No.” Poe sighed, letting the satchel drop to the ground. “No, we can’t. But we should get going.”


	20. Contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! My beta is really really sick and I'm swamped with work... well... sometimes stuff just gets in the way, right?
> 
> Anyway: I hope you enjoy this chapter and please excuse the cheesiness

** Chapter 20 **

_Contact_

****

“Here it is!” Finn shouted triumphantly, holding up the small object. It hadn’t taken him longer than ten minutes to find the storage device hidden within the AT-AT walker, while Poe was standing outside watching him and staring at the place where his life had taken a dramatic turn. He remembered the scratches on the metal hull and he approached them slowly, letting his fingertips glide over the hot, coarse surface, his nails catching in the lines of the makeshift calendar.

            “What are you thinking about?” Finn’s voice came from behind and for a moment Poe wished for Finn to wrap his arm around his torso. But he didn’t. Finn hadn’t been overly affectionate since they had left Morap’s ship and Poe couldn’t even blame him. He swallowed hard and shook his head.

            “Nothing big,” he sighed. “Just remembering.” The moment when he had reached out to touch Finn’s hand, his mind numbed by and his every action drowned in fever. In a way those first touches in a moment of deepest despair had been the beginning of something new. Something big. Something that had flipped his life around within a few hours. Well, maybe not his life, but the way he looked at it, surely. He looked over his shoulder to see Finn still standing there, a frown on his face.

            “I have thanked you for staying with me, haven’t I?” He didn’t only mean that day and that night here on Jakku, but also all these other instances when Finn had stood by his side when he’d had every right and every opportunity to leave.

            “You’re turning into a philosopher again?” Finn’s voice was softer than Poe would have expected.

            Smiling vaguely, Poe shrugged. “What do I need to do, Finn?” he asked. “To make you trust me again?”

            “I trust you!” Finn said, stepping closer. “You know I do! I just wish I hadn’t seen that guy kiss you. I can’t get the image out of my head.”

            Poe nodded.

            “And I know you didn’t want it either,” Finn continued before Poe could reply. “But…”

            “Yes, I know.” And Poe was fully aware of how it must have felt like to Finn. Hell, had he seen anyone else kiss Finn, he wouldn’t have been able to stay calm! Turning around slowly, he reached out to take Finn’s hand, almost like he had done the first time they had been here. Finn didn’t flinch away and just stood there, returning Poe’s gaze.

Finn had gone through so much. In a lot of ways, Finn’s life had been so much harder than Poe’s had. Before they had met, Poe hadn’t even thought about what it must feel like to be a Stormtrooper. He at least had always had memories of his mother, no matter how distorted by First Order conditioning these memories were. Finn didn’t even have the name his parents had given him. Finn had been denied his own identity, first by the Order, then by his comrades but Finn had managed to pull free and yank Poe along with him.

 Without Finn, Poe would never have made it this far. In fact, he would have died in that village, without even knowing about his mother. Without knowing what freedom felt like. Without ever getting to opportunity to see how wrong his life had been up to this point.

            Poe’s lips stretched into a smile. “Can I prove to you that you are all that matters to me?”

            “Apart from getting back at the Order?” Finn raised his eyebrow and Poe nodded.

            “Well, getting back at the Order is part of the plan, I suppose,” he whispered. “With the Order out there we’re going to have to watch our backs constantly. The Republic poses a threat as well, but not like the Order.” He shook his head. “But that’s not what I was getting at!” Tentatively, he pulled Finn closer, glad to feel no resistance coming from the other. Encouraged by this, he wrapped his arm around Finn, resting his hand between Finn’s shoulder blades. He could feel the heat emanating from Finn through the fabric of their clothing and could see the droplets of sweat on Finn’s neck. “I want to be safe. With you. I want to keep you safe for a change as well. If you let me.” He paused again, waiting for Finn to interrupt him, but all Finn did was return his gaze. “And I know it’s stupid and overly emotional, but I would like for the two of us to undergo one of those stupid ceremonies.”

            Finn snorted. “You want to get married?”

            Sensing how stupid and desperate he had sounded, Poe made to pull away, but all of a sudden Finn’s hands were on his hips, holding him in place.

            “Hey, don’t stop now.” Finn’s eyes were gleaming now and Poe couldn’t help but laugh nervously. Marriage between man and woman was customary enough in the Order, especially since it promoted childbirth. Two men or two women getting married however didn’t happen. Two people getting together to engage in sexual intercourse and eventually produce children was one thing, but commitment was forbidden, when it didn’t help promote the Order’s gains. What he and Morap had had, hadn’t been considered serious. This here with Finn was. It was so serious in fact that Poe had put his entire life in Finn’s hands within a heartbeat.

            “Maybe I do,” Poe muttered, his hands on Finn’s chest. “But the way things are now…”

            “Did I tell you to stop?” Shaking his head, Finn put his hand on Poe’s cheek, thumb caressing his cheek. “I’ll get over this soon enough. I don’t want to give you up, just because of that guy…” He sighed, his breath hitting Poe’s lips and making him want to lean in. “Listen, if those ceremonies mean anything to you, then fine, I’ll do it.”

            “No… not because of the ceremony.” Taking a deep breath, Poe took Finn’s hand in his. “I want to promise you something. I don’t even want witnesses. There’s not a soul in the galaxy who’d even care. But I do.”

            “Another speech, huh?”

            “Shush.” Poe squeezed his hand, then took the other as well, holding both of Finn’s hands and trying to swallow the panic rising up in his throat, threatening to overwhelm him and make him pass out. Finn’s smirk didn’t help much. “Finn, I love you and you know that. And I want you to know that for as long as I live and for as long as you let me, I will be by your side. I will protect your ass if I need to and I want to keep feeling safe with you. Because I do. You’re the only person I ever truly felt safe with and I want you to feel the same way.”

            Finn’s eyes widened, but there was a certain gleam in them, Poe couldn’t ignore. A gleam, which made him want to pull Finn closer again and apologize for what he had said. “What do I even say now?” Finn whispered, then cleared his throat, his fingers squeezing Poe’s slightly.

Poe could feel them trembling, could feel the pulse of the other starting to pick up.

“Well,” Finn cleared his throat again and took a deep breath. “Can’t say I feel any different about you, because I don’t. You were the first person to ever appreciate me for being different from all the other Troopers.” He smiled and Poe’s heart plummeted, realizing only now what was happening here. This was it. “And you made me want to prove that I was more, time and time again. We managed to pull free together and I guess I want things to stay like that. Free. You and me.”

Poe’s breath caught in his chest and time seemed to have frozen at this precise moment. They were standing here, holding hands, their eyes locked, unable to move, unable to say anything. Poe’s mind seemed to be focused on one thing, and one thing alone.

Finn.

And in Finn’s eyes he could see something similar.

Poe.

And that was that.

Finn’s lips twitched up into a soft smile. Of course he was the first to move. The first to pull himself out of this stupor which was making Poe’s limbs feel like lead. There was something in Finn’s gaze that made Poe realize what this moment actually meant. That this was more. More than just a promise. More than just a feeling. Finn’s hands moved up his arms, resting on his shoulders for a moment.

Unable to breathe steadily, his knees almost giving way, Poe breached the distance dividing them, hands on Finn’s waist, as Finn cupped his face. The shadow Morap had cast over them seemed to have retreated, at least for a while, allowing Poe to bask in this radiance that was Finn. When their lips met, the stifling heat of the planet pushing in on them, their feet sloshing through the white-hot sand gathering inside one of the last remnants of the old Empire.

 

The Beebee-unit had plugged itself into one of the sockets to recharge in the corridor. Poe could see it through the open door and couldn’t help wondering whether or not they should have closed the door after all. Finn’s hand was lying on his bare chest, his breath weaving gently through Poe’s hair. Finn’s soft snoring along with the humming of the engines made Poe’s eyelids feel heavier than they had ever been.

            Raising his hand, he rested it on Finn’s shoulder, his fingertips drawing circles on the still hot skin. It had been the first time they had made love since departing from Morap’s ship and the first time since they had made promises in the vastness of the Jakku desert. Promises, which felt decisively like vows. Grounding him and lifting him up at the same time.

            Finn moved his head, lips trailing over Poe’s skin. “What?” he asked, sounding grouchy. Finn hated getting up by now. It was one of the things he had allowed himself to develop over the past half year. Not having to stick to a schedule at all times in combination with the ability to fall asleep in any kind of situation in case rest was really needed, had facilitated this. Not that Poe minded. On the contrary. Finn sleeping next to him was soothing.

Finn blinked, then wrapped his arm more tightly around Poe. “That dream again?” He looked up and the concern in his eyes made Poe’s heart contract painfully.

            “Didn’t sleep,” Poe muttered. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” The very mention of the dream sent a cold shiver down his spine as he remembered the broken eyes and the parched lips forming his name. He swallowed hard. “I was just wondering about Meelan.”

            He could practically watch Finn resigning himself to waking up fully. With a sigh, Finn’s shoulders tensed and he rested his chin on the hand lying on Poe’s chest. His weight too was calming somehow. Warm and steady. “What about him?”

            Poe hadn’t ceased stroking Finn’s shoulder, but now he did, gently touching Finn’s eyebrows. “I’m wondering whether or not it was a complete coincidence the Order caught up with us when it did,” he replied in a low voice, raising an eyebrow significantly. “The only thing not quite adding up is that they sent Meelan. He let us go, but then again he seemed genuinely surprised to see us there. And-“

Finn’s finger to his lips stopped him mid-sentence. He made a little shushing sound, then shifted on the bed to get up. As he moved over to the door to close it, Poe couldn’t help but let his eyes wander over his body, which had become so much softer over the past six months without losing any of its strength.

“You didn’t mind Beebee-Ate watching us about half an hour ago,” he commented, sitting up and patting the mattress next to him invitingly.

“No, it was fine.” Finn sat down again with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Kinky,” Poe grinned, wrapping his arms around Finn’s shoulders and trailing kisses along his jaw.

“I didn’t tell it to record anything… I mean. It’s just a droid, why should I be bothered by it?”

Poe nodded, moving his hand over Finn’s chest. “But you were wondering if he might have already sent some info to Morap?”

Shrugging, Finn placed his hand on Poe’s and gave it a little squeeze. “It’s a possibility, right?”

“I guess it is,” Poe sighed, leaning back and pulling Finn with him, so Finn was lying in his arms, his back pressed against Poe’s chest. “I’m going to contact him anyway. We have the device, we should try and get it to the Resistance as soon as possible.” He saw Finn nod, albeit reluctantly, but that didn’t really matter now. “You’re still okay with that?” Poe asked, moving his hand over Finn’s side and pressing his lips to Finn’s neck, tasting the remnants of sweat there.

“Well, it’s not a perfect solution, but I guess it’s the best we can do.”

“I know,” Poe sighed, knowing full well what might happen to them once they contacted the Resistance and declared who they were. They might very well end up in one of the New Republic’s prisons if they didn’t play their cards right. But if they did, they stood a lot better chance of getting out of this alive than if they faced the Order again. “But at least we’re doing this together,” he said. “And I like doing things with you.”

Finn laughed and shook his head. “You do realize that what you’re implying there had nothing to do with what we plan to do next. Delivering ourselves to the Resistance is-“ He hissed softly as Poe cupped him gently, cutting him off. Finn was already getting hard again, when Poe moved his fingertips up his cock, circling the tip with his index finger. “What are you doing to me?” Finn muttered, his breathless voice adding to the soft pressure building up inside of Poe.

Moving closer again, Poe shifted behind Finn pulling Finn close with one arm, while never ceasing to move his hand over Finn’s cock.

“I can only return the compliment,” Poe said, sitting up slightly to nibble at Finn’s ear. Finn’s breathing was picking up again and when Poe looked down at his face he could see him lying there with his eyes closed, a vein visibly pulsing in his temple. It was all Poe could do, not to reach over to the nightstand and grab the lube straight away.

As usual Finn was the one taking the initiative. He was the decision maker in this relationship and Poe loved him all the more for it. For the strength he showed by doing this. By acting instead of drawing out every single decision. Finn pecked him on the lips, his breath hot against his skin, then took the tube already waiting for them and pressed it into Poe’s hand.

“Get on with it.” Finn’s pupils were wide and as Poe applied the lube to his own cock, he didn’t break eye contact once, still unable to fully grasp what they had done on Jakku. Not that he and Finn had ever really talked about parting ways at some point in the future; on the contrary: whenever the subject had come up, the other party would always step up and stop the conversation right there and then. But still… they had committed to each other in a way Poe would never have considered with anyone else. No one but Finn had ever been this important to him. No one but Finn had ever managed to take over his entire world.

Breath catching in his chest he pushed into Finn, Finn’s barely audible gasps urging him on. He waited for a moment, going slow, waiting for Finn to get used to having him there, before starting to move again. Finn’s back still pressed firmly against his chest, their faces only millimetres apart, their breath intermingling, Poe picked up a slow pace, revelling in Finn’s tightness and heat surrounding him. When their lips met, the kiss pulling Poe deeper into this ever-growing closeness between them, Poe felt his heart contract in painful bliss.

Finn was his, he told himself again. And he was Finn’s.

What more could there possibly be? Everything else, all other obstacles still standing in their way only seemed like minor hurdles, as he picked up the pace, Finn returning his thrusts eagerly, moaning into the all-consuming kiss.

 Finn came before him, spilling into Poe’s hand with a sound of relief which pushed Poe over the edge effortlessly. He kept moving inside Finn slowly, panting and feeling his limbs grow heavier as he cradled Finn’s head in his arms and stroked Finn’s stomach with the other hand.

“Are we going to spend the rest of our lives like this?” Finn said and Poe opened his eyes to look down at him. “Doing this whenever we have time to spare on long flights?”

Laughing softly, Poe pressed his lips to Finn’s temple. “Depends on whether we’re in the mood I suppose,” he grinned, pulling out of Finn so Finn could turn to face him.

“How much time do we have before we drop out again?” Finn asked, his fingers stroking Poe’s hair. Poe had realized how fascinated Finn seemed to be with his curls and he simply loved Finn’s hands there. Even if it was just a casual touch. It felt familiar, endearing even, the single brush of fingers through his hair making him shiver every time.

“A few minutes,” Poe said shrugging. They had scheduled a break to contact Morap again, not wanting him to be able to follow their every step. “I’d better get going, huh?”

Finn nodded, stretching lazily. “Need my help?”

“You stay put and rest a bit.” Poe grinned, kissing Finn’s forehead and shifting slightly to climb over Finn and get dressed.

“Aren’t you tired, old man?”

“I am, thanks to you, but the next time you call me ‘old’, we’re going to have a serious talk about your own issues. Remember that you just _married_ this old man. What _does_ that say about you, huh?”

“Fair enough,” Finn grinned and as their eyes met, Poe’s heart skipped a beat, while his entire being seemed to be lifted up. They were married. No official service or ceremony had been conducted, but who needed that anyway? They had each other and Poe just knew that what they had promised each other was more binding than any legal document he might have signed.

Giving Finn’s hand another squeeze, he picked up his clothes and started dressing.

The Beebee unit was waiting for him, its dome shaped head cocked to the side and once again, as Poe slowly made his way towards the cockpit, closing his fly as he walked, he wondered if this astromech wasn’t some sort of spy droid after all.

On passing the lounge area, Poe saw the data storage device lying on the bench. He picked it up, swallowing hard as he examined it’s asymmetrical design. Sitting down on the bench, he heaved a heavy sigh. How much damage had he caused the galaxy by taking this from San Tekka? Would having Skywalker with them have helped the Resistance save the Hosnian System? Poe didn’t know, just like he didn’t know so many other things and as he sat there, staring at the device lying in his hand, the boiling anger at Kafr and his entire damned First Order started rising up inside him again. He had been stupid and deliberately kept this way for the Order. Moreover, he hadn’t even made an effort to think for himself. Blind faith in the Order and in Kafr had led him to Jakku in the first place and then, later, to his mother’s execution. Closing his eyes against the sudden onstorm of tears, he clutched the data storage device tightly in his hand. If Surpreme Leader Snoke wanted it this badly, then he couldn’t possibly be  allowed to have it! And the only place relatively safe from him was with the Resistance. Taking a shuddering breath, Poe opened his eyes again. The storage device needed to be taken to General Organa as quickly as possible, along with the schematics he had still on his datapad. The Beebee-unit was standing in front of him and when Poe looked at it, it gave a soft whistle.

“Would you like to help me reach your old master?”

A sound which could only be an affirmative came from the droid and it started towards the cockpit, then turned around again, whistling again.

“I have no idea what you’re telling me here, you know?”

Without another beep, the droid rolled towards the comm station and plugged in. Within seconds, letters started scrolling down one of the screens. With a frown, Poe took a step forward to read what the droid was writing.

 

_Master,_

_I appreciate your concern regarding my loyalties. Morap Bendar gave me to you to help you. He is a smuggler and a good master. He rebuilt me from schematics his father left behind despite the fact that he did not need an astromech droid anymore since he stopped flying fighters. Among the first things he did was tell me about you. He is very talkative. I am aware of your history and everything it entailed. He does not wish to betray you._

 

Poe scoffed. “You know, that’s exactly what a spy droid would say,” he muttered, sitting down on the chair at the console, smiling down at the droid. “Morap built you? That’s hard to imagine.”

The droid whistled again and a minute later more letters appeared.

_He employed a mechanic to help him after a few attempts._

“That I can believe,” Poe nodded. “You have a weird personality protocol, you know that?”

_How do you mean?_

“You’re snarky. Grumpy.”

_So are you._

Poe swallowed hard, staring down at the droid, then back to the screen and back up again. He hadn’t expected that… maybe the droid really wasn’t after information and Morap giving it to Poe might have really been a sincere gesture of apology. “Alright then…” Poe sighed, telling himself that he needed to have the droid checked for a tracker soon despite its claims of not being a spy. “Fine. I’m Poe, then. Don’t call me master. That sounds weird.”

_My name is BB-8. Don’t call me droid. Sounds weird._

“Nice to meet you, Beebee-Ate,” Poe grinned, patting the droid on the head.

A loud whistling protest made him pull his hand away. _Only reserved for rare occasions._

“So, what is this Bendar guy saying?”

Poe turned around in his chair, looking at Finn standing in the doorway, still only halfway dressed.

“Nothing yet,” Poe smiled, getting up and moving over to the pilot’s station as the light started flashing. He pushed the lever away from his body and the starlines collapsed back into stars. “Here we are,” he murmured. “Actually I’ve been chatting with our new friend here. Nice guy.” Shrugging, he looked at Finn again, who only returned his gaze with a raised eyebrow, before proceeding to put on his tunic.

“If you say so…” Finn said quietly, bending over the comm console and reading up on what Beebee-Ate had communicated. “Yeah, he sounds a bit like you.” With a small smile, he sat down. “Well, I guess I should try not being this jealous. I mean, you just promised me something and I sure as hell won’t forget that so easily.”

“Neither will I.” Poe put his hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Alright then. Beebee can you establish contact with Morap? Tell him we’d like to meet with someone from the Resistance? We have something big to give them. Tell him,” he exchanged another look with Finn and at a nod from his partner, he went on: “Tell him he can tell them who we are. Tell him he can say who my parents were. Maybe that’ll get their attention.”

Beebee-Ate chirped again and Finn wrapped his arm around Poe’s waist, pulling him closer. So this was it then. They were about to find out how stupid they actually were.

 

 


	21. Familiarity

** Chapter 21 **

_Familiarity_

 

From all the climates they had more or less jumped to these past six months, from all the climates he had experienced in his life, the one greeting them here on Yavin IV was the most stifling one. It was hot and humid and breathing alone seemed like a real undertaking as he stood here in the clearing, several kilometres away from the settlement that had been founded shortly after the battle of Endor.

            Poe felt a twinge in his stomach as he looked up at the ancient temple structure looming over him, stretching high into the sky, making the enormous trees look like nothing but toothpicks. Wiping his forehead, he turned to look over his shoulder at Finn emerging out of the ship, his skin already glistening with sweat.

            “This is different…” Finn murmured. “Why would anyone want to live here?”

            “Worse than Jakku?” Poe smiled and shook his head. Finn seemed unsatisfied with any sort of climate that wasn’t regulated by machines. Even temperate climates could only keep him happy for as long as it took the skies to open up and pour rain down on them.

            Finn shook his head. “It’s hot, but not as bad.” Smiling, Finn sat down at the bottom of the ramp. At his side was the bag in which they kept all the information for the Resistance  in the form of a data card and the storage device from San Tekka. “You like it?”

            Shrugging, Poe sat down beside him. “It’s okay,” he said quietly, reaching out to take Finn’s hand in his. “I don’t remember too much, but I do associate this place with my mother somehow. Or at least the name of this place you know?”

            Finn’s fingers curled around his and Poe kissed his knuckles. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to rub salt in the wound. You- you never talk about your family.”

            “So? I never knew them. I guess that’s the difference. You’re my family now, but you have memories of your mother, so of course she’ll be on your mind from time to time.” Their eyes met and a sad smile crept across Finn’s lips. “Alright, maybe all the time.”

            “Not all the time,” Poe muttered. “Just… just almost every night.”

            Finn gave his hand another squeeze, then leaned back to look up at the canopy of leaves stretching out over their ship and Poe followed his gaze, revelling in the rich green surrounding them. As long as they were sitting down, the heat didn’t seem to get to him as much. He swallowed hard. “I wish I knew more,” Poe said quietly. “I know they fought the Empire and I know my father went missing in action. I know my mother went after him and took me along. I just…” he sighed. “For so long I didn’t give a damn, but things have changed. I don’t know how she fared as a worker on Starkiller. Did she have any friends? Or.. or did she suffer a lot? What… what else did Kafr do to her and-“ He cut himself off, biting on his tongue and looking down at his feet. Already his body was starting to shake again and he was clinging to Finn’s hand with a desperation he had barely allowed himself to feel.

            “I can imagine,” Finn said quietly, freeing his hand out of Poe’s grasp and wrapping his arm around him instead. “And I wish I could tell you all you want to know, but…” he trailed off and Poe nodded, burying his head in Finn’s neck.

            This was precisely it. This was why he felt the need to help the Resistance. Not only because it terrified him what else they might do to the galaxy, but also because he felt an obligation to his parents, his mother especially, to try and make things right.

            If only he could… if only all it would take was to give the Resistance the things they needed and then get away from them as quickly as possible. But hell, he knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy. He kissed Finn’s cheek and sat up again. “We can do this,” he said quietly, putting an arm around Finn’s waist.

            “I know we can. I’m just not sure it’s the right thing… for us anyway.”

            “Am I being too selfish in this? Asking you to join me?”

            Shaking his head, Finn pulled him closer. “No. And we talked about this. We made the decision together, remember?”

            “Yeah,” sighed Poe and looking back up at the sky again.

            “Did he say when they’d be here?”

            “Shouldn’t be too long now.” The talks with Morap had been short to say the least. First, they had contacted him about wanting to meet with one of the Resistance and then talked to him again when time and place had been confirmed. Yavin IV as the place where the first Death Star had been destroyed seemed to be the appropriate rendezvous point in a way.

            The soft chirping of insects started to set in and Poe closed his eyes, wondering what the hell would happen next. How in the name of all the stars they were going to start working alongside the Resistance, when he had spent most of his life hating them and their system of chaos. Of course those were feelings which wouldn’t go away in an instant, but he was also sure that they wouldn’t want him or Finn to work with them. They’d ask for information and Poe was willing to provide them as long as they helped bringing down the Order.

            As the forest around them grew quiet, and he felt Finn stir beside him, he opened his eyes again. A chill ran down his spine, making him shiver despite the heat. “Someone is coming,” Finn said and Poe got up, reaching out to take Finn’s hand almost at once. He wouldn’t be parted from him. Not if he could help it.

            Chirping quietly to himself, the Beebee-unit rolled down the ramp to wait beside Poe.

            “Do you know who’s coming then?” Poe asked, but was unable to identify the noises the droid made in answer. The humming of engines made him look up again and immediately Finn rose too, picking up the bag and putting the strap over his shoulder.

            “I have a bad feeling about this,” Finn said and Poe squeezed his hand as reassuringly as he could, when a freighter, which seemed to be even older than their own was, moved into view, flying low over the treetops and setting down gently in front of them, almost taking up most of the clearing. The ship was of Corellian built as far as Poe could tell, probably one of the older YT-models and by the looks of it, its prime days were long gone. If this was the sort of ship the Resistance employed nowadays, then they’d be hard pressed to win this war against the Order.

            He exchanged a sceptical look with Finn and immediately regretted his choice of having left their blasters inside the freighter. They had decided to want to appear as non-violent as possible, but maybe they were running straight into a trap set up by the Order. Either way, it was too late now. The Corellian freighter would make it hard for them to take off again. It was nearly impossible to get out of this now.

            Poe let go of Finn’s hand as the loading ramp of the ship was lowered and he took a step forward, Finn right at his side. Whether this was a bounty hunter who had come to claim his prize or a group of Resistance fighters, Poe was going to face them head held high, no matter what.

            But the person walking down the ramp was probably the last person he would have expected. Raising an eyebrow he watched as the slim figure of a woman, clad in a simple light brown tunic, walked down the ramp. Poe’s eyes fell immediately to the cylindrical shape hanging from her belt, recognizing it at once from history lessons at the Academy. She hadn’t worn it the last time they had met, for obvious reasons of course. A lightsaber would have drawn too much attention on Jakku.

            “You’re Poe Dameron?” she asked and Poe raised his gaze to meet hers at once. He nodded briefly.

“I am,” he answered nodding. “This is Finn.”

“Rey Skywalker.” She said without looking at Finn. Instead she took another step towards Poe, nostrils flaring and her hand balled into fists. “You’re the guy from Jakku. The one who tried to kill San Tekka!”

Poe’s mouth had gone dry all of a sudden and it was all Poe could do to return her gaze without blinking. He should have expected this, he thought. This meeting couldn’t be about the plans and the map and those alone. His character had to be thrown into focus as well.

“For what it’s worth, the villagers nearly killed him…” Finn spoke up and Skywalker’s eyes flashed towards him. “And you are?”

“Like he said, I’m Finn. Finn… Dameron I suppose.”

Poe heard the smile in Finn’s voice and next moment Finn’s hand was on the small of his back, steadying him against the storm of emotion raining down on him. “We deserted from the Order together six months ago. You’re with the Resistance? You don’t look like it.”

Poe almost rolled his eyes at this. This sort of thing wouldn’t get them anywhere, but he had to admire his cheek.

She scoffed, putting her hands to her hips, fingers closer to her lightsaber this way. “That’s what we look like. Some look different.” A smile was twitching around her lips. “So you’re both deserters? How do I know you’re not spies?”

Without further comment, Finn took the bag off his shoulder and handed it to her. “Take a look. It’s all the info on the Order we have. The plans and schematics at least.”

She didn’t look at it, just kept holding Finn’s gaze, then nodded.

“And the map you were looking for. I- we never gave it to the Order.”

“I know,” she said her voice lower than before and she looked at Poe again. “And now what?”

Poe took a deep breath. “I think I have a debt to pay.”

She nodded again, not even bothering with a comforting lie.

“I- sorry, we- we want to help the Resistance. If we can.”

With narrowed eyes, she looked at their ship, then back at them. “What were your functions in the Order?” she asked with a furrowed brow. She seemed to be more interested in Finn than him however. What was going on there?

“I was a tactician. Finn a Stormtrooper.”

Her eyes widened for the fraction of a second, but she nodded. “Fine,” she answered. “But we’re taking my ship. I don’t have the time or the equipment to check yours for trackers.”

“Fair enough,” Poe said quietly, his mind racing already. He had expected this. Finn and he had talked it over and decided that it was worth it. “As long as we can get back here at some point. This ship is kind of important to us, you know?”

Skywalker shrugged, then proceeded to point at her ship. “You can take your droid with you, if you like. It’s Morap’s right? I’ve seen it before.”

“You know him?”

She nodded. “He’s the one who contacted me after all. Come on, let’s go. I don’t have a lot of time.”

 

The ship looked even more battered on the inside than it did from the outside, but Poe wasn’t going to complain. His heart was racing as he sat down in the seat behind the pilot’s chair. 

“You came here alone?” Finn asked. “To meet with two potential First Order spies?”

Rey nodded casually, as she programmed the nav computer. “I can take you both easily. Not that the General particularly liked me taking off like that, but still.”

“Rey, you’re okay?” The voice coming over the comm made Poe raise an eyebrow at Finn.

“Yes, I’m fine, Snap. I have to passengers onboard.”

Poe turned his head to see four X-Wings approach them. So she hadn’t come alone then. Not really. Just to the planet itself.

“They’re coming along? You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. They’re unarmed and so far I haven’t sensed anything dangerous.”

“Ha! Force users! Be careful though. Just in case.”

Poe and Finn exchanged a quick look. Could it really be that this woman sitting in front of him trusted him solely on the premise that the Force made her think that they weren’t dangerous?

“I will. See you at the base.”

“Alright. See you in a few.”

Poe watched as Skywalker reached out, then pulled a lever towards herself and next moment the stars outside stretched as if drawing them towards the whirlwind of blue and white that was hyperspace.

“How long until we get there?” Finn asked.

“About half an hour. We didn’t set up base too far from Yavin in fact. That’s why we chose this planet.”

Poe nodded and watched as she got up and picked up the bag Finn had given her, holding it in her hand as if it were some sort of treasure. To her it probably was. Her name alone suggested some connection to the old Jedi the First Order was looking for so desperately. He remembered Hux telling him this young pilot’s name but thus far he hadn’t spent too much time thinking about her or what her links to the Jedi might be.

Poe exchanged a look with Finn, unable to decipher the expression on Finn’s face. Whatever it was they were facing now would determine their lives for the foreseeable future. Finn smiled vaguely, and a warmth Poe had started associating with Finn’s reassuring smile, started spreading through his chest.

“What-“

Skywalker’s voice made him flinch. She was still standing there, bag clutched in her hand, but her eyes were not fixed on Poe, but on Finn. “Are you…”

“Am I what?” The annoyance was clearly palpable in Finn’s voice, but Skywalker didn’t seem to be intimidated by his tone of voice.

She scowled at him, then looked at Poe. “Did you know? Is that why you ran off with him? To use him?”

“Excuse me?!” Poe got to his feet, her words making anger start to boil up inside him. “How dare you!”

She furrowed her brow, seemingly unimpressed by him, before she turned to Finn again. “Never mind…” she muttered, opening the bag and taking out the storage device.

“That’s not how this is going to work,” Poe hissed. “You can’t just throw around wild accusations and then expect us to-“

“Have you considered that you really have no say in any of this?” Skywalker looked up again, facing him now. “Have you actually even spent a single moment thinking about what’s going to happen next? You’re a war criminal. You both are, actually. No matter how willing you are to help the Resistance now, you not only have a lot to make up to, but you also have to accept the fact that you’re our prisoners now until the General decides otherwise. Is that clear?”

Poe swallowed hard as he returned her gaze. She was right of course, and he had thought about it. They both had. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to answer her now. Why would he? She had just made it perfectly clear that they were enemies and he wasn’t going to help her make a point.

“You’re comfortable with Morap though?”

Poe looked down at Finn, still sitting in his chair, seemingly relaxed, though Poe was sure that Skywalker’s words had struck a nerve with him as well.

“That smuggler? He was in the Order too, you know?”

“Well, he proved how valuable he could be some time ago.” She slumped back on her chair and reached into the bag. “I’d appreciate it, if we could keep talking to a minimum,” she said and Poe rolled his eyes at her, meeting Finn’s gaze again. Whatever it was Morap had done to earn the Resistance’s trust, it didn’t look like they were going to find out about it anytime soon and Poe wasn’t even sure he wanted to know.

Finn shrugged, as Skywalker leaned back in her seat, storage device in her hand. Poe couldn’t see her expression and he was grateful for it. They hadn’t exactly become friends… what a great start of their new life.


	22. Betrayal

** Chapter 22 **

_Betrayal_

 

He hadn’t commented on the ship orbiting around the lush green planet they were nearing now. He didn’t need to. Skywalker must know he’d recognize the ship and he could almost feel Finn tensing up beside him as they passed it to drop into the atmosphere.

Morap was here.

Poe didn’t know whether he should be grateful for it or terrified by the fact that the one person, who had almost managed to ruin what he had with Finn, was here now.

He exchanged a quick glance with Finn, as the ship landed and a group of soldiers started towards them. So, this was it then. Handcuffs, a prison cell and a hearing. That was what was awaiting them and all they could do now was play their cards well.

“Very well then,” Skywalker said, getting to her feet.

Poe’s eyes fluttered to her belt and the lightsaber dangling from it.

“Time to move this party.”

Raising an eyebrow, he got up as well. “You don’t have to pretend to be friendly, you know?” He caught Finn rolling his eyes at him, but didn’t respond in any way. Instead, he followed Beebee-Ate out of the cockpit and along the corridor.

“You don’t seem to be concerned by your situation,” he heard her say, but he didn’t have to turn to see her face. The snarky smile was only too apparent in her voice.

As they stood in front of the loading ramp, Poe could feel Finn’s hand close to his again, almost like it had back in the streets of Kaddak. But unlike then, he didn’t reach out for it. Now was not the time. Not with their enemies surrounding them.

The soft hissing sound as the ramp was lowered was familiar enough, but now, for the first time, it made a shiver rush down his spine. Almost mechanically he started walking down the ramp, his feet and legs only moving through sheer power of will. There on the tarmac in front of them was a group of six soldiers, clad in simple greenish brown uniforms, their faces not covered by masks, clearly putting the different species working here on display. He had known that here in the Resistance people from all over the galaxy had come to work together, he had even seen this sort of thing in other places, but never in a truly military organized group of fighters.

Ordering himself not to stare, he kept moving, Finn by his side and Beebee-Ate leading the way, as if the droid knew exactly where to go. It probably did, Poe realized and he had to admit that he was a bit surprised that the soldiers didn’t approach them to put binders on them. Instead, they turned in unison and started escorting them across the tarmac, towards one of the shallow buildings with the wide openings. To their right and left Poe could see the X-Wings landing, S-foils in cruise mode. The black one he had seen back on Jakku was sitting very close to the Corellian freighter they had just left, but apart from a couple of mechanics and the starfighters, Poe couldn’t see anything or anyone else out here on the landing strip.

As they entered the building, he didn’t recognize any signs of unusual activity either. The only thing apparent was a sort of organized purpose he hadn’t expected here. Not in a place the Order had described as chaotic and without real sense of direction except the destruction of the First Order. Well, there was a lot he still had to learn apparently. The sound of the rhythmic bootsteps at his side was something he _was_ familiar with, though he had to admit, as they moved along a relatively narrow corridor and the soldiers walked closer to them, he felt a sense of eeriness creep up on him.

He turned his head to look at Finn and the beads of sweat sticking to his forehead told Poe all he needed to know. Finn was feeling it too, though the fact that no one seemed to have looked at them twice, seemed strangely out of place somehow.

They came to a halt in front of a grey door, which may have been white several years ago. Like everything else in this place, it looked worn down by years of use. Skywalker stepped past them and held her hand over the sensor. At a nod from her, four of the soldiers walked off, while two of them remained to stand guard over the door, which slid open immediately, revealing a spacious conference room, a middle-aged woman standing at a tactical display so new Poe hadn’t expected to find here. She turned her head as she heard the door and Poe’s heart dropped. He knew that face. Knew her voice and her political speeches. At least the ones she had given against the First Order a few months ago. Leia Organa was far from unknown to him.

“Leia…” Skywalker stepped in ahead of them and after a short exchange of looks, Finn followed her and Poe entered the room after him. The door slid shut behind them. They were trapped. Trapped with a Jedi and the most known enemy the Order had.

Leia Organa, former Senator to the New Republic and founder of the Resistance was smaller than Poe would have thought and though her face looked soft, there was a fierceness in her eyes which reminded Poe of Kafr. Of his determination mostly, but also something else. Something which made her into the warrior she was. Strong. Utterly capable. Unforgiving if necessary.

“You’re the deserters Bendar told us about?” she asked and Poe recognized her voice and the firmness hiding behind it at once.

He exchanged a quick glance with Finn.

“As far as I know, he’s one too,” Finn said.

Organa’s nod didn’t surprise Poe. Her inviting gesture, asking them to sit down at the table did. “No one here at the base knows who you are,” she said casually, sitting down herself, Skywalker following suit.

Poe hesitated a moment longer, then pulled up the two chairs closest to the door for Finn and himself. “I noticed no one was looking at us.”

She shrugged, her brown eyes focusing on Finn for a moment. “We get informants here from time to time. It’s not entirely unheard of that Commander Skywalker here leaves to gather intelligence… as you know of course.” She shifted her gaze towards Poe.

He nodded curtly. “Yes, we know. That incident on Jakku was…”

“Problematic?” The snide sarcasm in Skywalker’s voice almost made him flinch.

“You killed three of my men without provocation!”

“As far as I knew you were about to kill San Tekka!”

Poe scoffed. “I didn’t though, did I?” Only now did he realize how quickly his heart was beating. How sweaty his palms were. He pressed his lips tightly together, telling himself that he was in no position to argue here.

“Now is not the time to fight over who shot first,” Organa said quietly.

Poe’s shoulders were aching with tenseness and he forced himself to take a deep breath and look somewhere else but at Skywalker. She was right of course. Had he been in her position, he would have ordered an aerial assault as well. And had she been in his position, she would have killed San Tekka. It would have meant following protocol. “And it’s not why we came here,” Poe said quietly.

“We brought you the storage device,” Finn continued, pointing at the bag lying on the table in front of Skywalker. “And schematics of their new Star Destroyers.”

Organa nodded, but didn’t touch the bag, though her eyes were fixed on it for a long moment, before she folded her hands on the table top.

Poe couldn’t blame her. She’d have slicers look the datacard and the storage device over, before she’d plug it in.

“Is that all?”

Poe could see Finn shift uncomfortably next to him, but he couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t say what he had come here to say. And he had to admit he was terrified. Terrified of himself and his own cowardice. He felt Finn’s eyes on him for a moment, but didn’t react, just returned Organa’s gaze until he had to look away.

“I’m willing to offer help in any way I can,” Finn said quietly, shaming Poe with this one sentence more than Organa or Skywalker had managed to.

Poe brushed his hand over his neck, feeling the thin layer of sweat on his skin.

“What exactly was your position in the Order?”

“I was a Stormtrooper,” Finn said. “And Poe here was a tactician. We fled from Starkiller base before the weapon was fired.”

Poe swallowed hard, pressed his lips tightly together and looked up again. Organa’s brow was furrowed and she was looking intently at Finn.

“You were part of the Stormtrooper program?” she asked and Finn nodded.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I don’t see what-“

“It matters, Rey,” Organa cut Skywalker off, turning to face her. “Because he, unlike your friend from Jakku here, spent his lifetime being nothing but a number. Look where he is now. Look who he was able to become despite of that.”

Skywalker bit her lip and nodded. “I know,” she said, sounding hoarse.

“What? I don’t want to be treated like some-“

“That’s not what we’re saying,” Organa interrupted him, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. Rey, would you talk with him, please? Outside?”

Skywalker nodded and got up.

“What’s this supposed to be?” Poe spoke up, his legs aching for him to jump up and stand protectively in front of Finn, who merely nodded and shrugged.

“What’s the harm?” he asked, putting a hand on Poe’s arm. Warm and firm. His thumb stroked gingerly over his wrist and Finn smiled slightly. “I’ll be fine.”

Poe swallowed hard, as Finn got up and left the room, accompanying Skywalker, who threw Organa one last look, before the door closed behind her and Finn. Poe could just see the droid waiting outside. It hadn’t followed them into the room and it was as if it stood guard out there. Like it was trying to protect them. What a ridiculous thought…

“What’s going on here?” Poe asked, hostility creeping into his voice with every syllable. He leaned forward, jaw clenched, fixing Organa with his eyes.

“We want to make sure you’re not influencing him. You were his superior, weren’t you? San Tekka said you were holding the rank of Major, when you turned up at his village?”

Poe took a deep, calming breath and leaned back again. “So?”

“So, who’s saying you’re not still ordering your companion about?”

With a scoff, Poe wiped his brow and shook his head. “If anyone is in charge, it’s him.”

“You could have just handed the devices to Bendar and be done with it, but you didn’t. Why?”

“I-“ Poe shrugged as he met her gaze. “I have changed. Or at least my view on the galaxy has shifted. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure Finn has always been… who he is.” He pressed his lips tightly together and closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to focus and ignore the tension rising up inside him. The tension urging him to stop talking. The twisting of his gut. The anticipation of failure. “I just…” he let out a breath. His head was starting to ache and he pressed his fingertips to his temples.

“Are you alright?” The sudden concern in Organa’s voice wasn’t something he had expected.

Poe nodded shuddering. Leaving the Order had been fairly easy… this here… talking to Organa wasn’t. He tried swallowing, but his throat seemed to be all dried up. “I’m fine,” he croaked and next moment he heard something being placed in front of him. Blinking, he opened his eyes to see a glass of water standing in front of him. His head was still aching, his breath coming in gasps.

“Do I need to send you to medbay?”

“No,” he said categorically, picking up the glass and taking a big gulp. “I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

She sat down next to him and as he saw her pursed lips; as he left behind the immediate thought of betraying the Order, the pain in his head abated somewhat. “I’d like you to be checked over anyway. You were raised by the First Order?”

Poe nodded again, taking another gulp and clutching the glass tightly in his hand. “After they took me from my parents.” He had no idea why he had said this. General Organa was no friend. That much was obvious. But he felt like he needed to explain himself in front of her if he wanted her to trust him. And he did. Something inside his head was still drumming numbly. Maybe it was just his fear of exposing too much. Of giving away all that he had for nothing in return.

Nothing in return… no. No, he didn’t even want anything. Not from her anyway.

Organa remained silent. All she did was look at him, one elbow placed on the tabletop, eyes fixed on him with an impassive look on her face.

Poe took another gulp and all of a sudden the glass was empty. “This is weird,” he said quietly. “Me talking to you like it was the most natural thing in the world.”

“It’s not,” she said. “And it’s not like we’re chatting like old friends.”

Her scolding was exactly what he needed to snap back to attention. “Right,” he muttered. “Business.”

“What did you make to want to leave in the first place, then?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“To figure out if I can trust you. You have come here to give us more information than just those datacards, am I right?”

Poe nodded, unable to meet her gaze again, and set the glass on the table. He kept spinning it between his fingers. Having something to do, anything really, seemed to be helping. He smiled weakly. “My reasons were personal ones. Something the Order did… I-I can’t tell you what it was.” He didn’t want to and he didn’t feel like Organa had the right to know.

“This man? This former Stormtrooper?”

Poe gritted his teeth and shook his head. “No. Not entirely him. No.”

“Mr Dameron…”

He looked up, eyebrows raised. No one had ever called him _that_ before and though he couldn’t exactly say he liked it, he couldn’t go ahead tell the leader of the Resistance so.

Organa seemed taken aback and she raised her hands in apology, clearly guessing from his look that he didn’t appreciate it. “I’m sorry,” she said almost hastily. “Do you prefer _Major_?”

“No?” He coughed, rubbing his eyes.

“What I wanted to say is that your reasons may be your own, but if you’re unwilling to talk to me, I’ll have to ask you to undergo a psych exam to find out how truthful you are. Not that those are always reliable, especially since I believe you have been trained to resist interrogation at some level, but I’d prefer to spare you that experience.”

She wasn’t exactly threatening him with torture, but he didn’t hear any trace of regret in her voice at the prospect either.

He bit on his lip, still unwilling to share this very personal experience with her. He took a deep breath. “My mother was in the Alliance back in the day,” he said quietly and he saw her nod. “General Kafr captured and tortured her. I only found out some time ago.  Shortly before she was executed.” That was all. He wouldn’t say anything else. Wouldn’t expand on what he had seen and heard in that holo vid. The datacard it was stored on was still safe. Still in his datapad. He hadn’t watched it again and was fairly certain he would never do so again, but he also didn’t want to let her have a share in it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, sounding shaky all of a sudden. “I knew her. Your father as well.” The weak smile pulling at her lips did nothing to abate the sudden wave of horror he felt at hearing this. A horror he couldn’t even explain. “I recognized your name.”

Poe nodded slowly, then shrugged. “Couldn’t stay in the Order after that. And when the Order was given to prepare Starkiller for the attack, we used the distraction to get away. We thought they were about to extinguish this base… not the Hosnian System.”

“You have to admit the impact was bigger that way.”

Poe nodded slightly and pushed the glass away from him, so it slid over the table. “No noble cause in my leaving the Order, I’m afraid. Sorry.”

“I wasn’t looking for one,” she answered. “In fact, I would have been suspicious if you had told me you’d left the Order because you had seen the error of your ways.”

He had been right. She was direct. In fact, she was as far away from sensitive about other people’s feelings as he had expected her to be. At least to some extent. She was a realist and he had to admire her for that.

“Yes, well…”

“And now?”

Poe bit his lip again and looked up at the dark grey ceiling above. “Now I believe the Order has to pay for what it’s done to Finn and me. And everyone else… and I …” he blinked, forcing down the oncoming headache with the mental image of his mother lying on that table. Of her starved, skeletal body and the expression on her face, which made his heart contract painfully even now. “I need to do my part.”

 

General Organa hadn’t tried to get any more information out of him and Poe was grateful for it. He didn’t even mind being escorted to the medbay, where a medic took about half an hour to examine him. Every prisoner of the First Order would have been led there first thing, but the Resistance seemed to operate differently. The doctor, a human woman going by the name Kalonia, was far more considerate than he would have expected a doctor of the enemy to be. Not that she talked too much, but the exam was over far more quickly than he would have anticipated. The accommodation assigned to him wasn’t exactly shabby either. The small room with the double bed didn’t have a window, but it was clean, had a small bathroom attached to it and he could sense that this really wasn’t a prison cell. Far from it in fact. He might even go as far to call the small room cosy. At least it would have been according to First Order standards. Simple, yes. Without luxury, but still fairly comfortable.

            “Well, this isn’t too bad, is it?” He smiled down at the droid as he sat down at the table. Beebee-Ate hadn’t left his side for even a moment and Poe appreciated the droid’s attempts at staying close to him. “Wish you could tell me where Finn is, though.”

            The droid chirped, then rolled off to a place next to the door to the bathroom, where Poe spotted a droid charging socket.

            “Right,” Poe muttered. “Don’t talk to me. That’s fine.” He leaned back, folding his hands behind his head and looked around. The guards outside the door were the only thing assuring him that he was in fact not free. That Organa would ask him to talk sooner or later.

They were probably watching him right now, even if he couldn’t see any cameras. They’d be stupid not to have planted surveillance in here, especially if they were going to put Finn in here with him as well. Of course, he didn’t know that was what they were in fact going to do, but why else would they give him a room with such a large bed.

            Poe forced his eyes shut, trying to figure out what had happened there in the room with Organa. Why it had been so hard to tell her what he had intended to tell her all along. Why the headache didn’t come back now, when the anger at the Order started welling up inside of him again. His mouth was dry again and he reached for the jug standing in front of him to pour himself a glass of water.

He didn’t remember any sort of conditioning.

None.

But maybe that was where the brilliance of First Order conditioning lay. That you had no idea it had been done to you.

He knew the Stormtroopers were forced to undergo certain psychological procedures early on, but he had never considered he himself had been the subject of such measures. But that was the whole idea. To make the subject believe they were doing things of their own free will and by in fact granting them freedom to a certain extent. Until they were about to betray the Order…

How they did it, Poe didn’t know and he was sure he didn’t want to find out. At least the thought of his mother seemed to have been able to fight whatever they had done to him.

There was not much to do now but to scold himself for his foolishness. Of course, Kafr, who had tortured his mother and groomed him into an officer on his personal Star Destroyer, hadn’t left things to chance. Of course, Kafr would have wanted to play it safe.

Finn didn’t seem to be affected by the conditioning though. Not at all. Why that was, Poe couldn’t tell, but he was grateful for it. Finn was free and always had been in a way. Finn was strong. Far stronger than Poe and certainly stronger than anyone else Poe had ever met. Maybe that was why Finn had been able to withstand conditioning. Poe had never given it much thought and instead simply relied on his partner the way he was.

No… not his partner. His husband…

The concept was still hard to grasp. Husband. He had never thought he’d get married someday and since their little private ceremony he hadn’t had time to process it properly. Not that it made any difference in his relationship to Finn. Not really. And yet… it felt different somehow. Good in a way. Promising.

If only he knew where Finn was now. What kind of questions this Skywalker was asking him.

Poe got up from his chair, making the metal legs scratch over the floor. What was he supposed to do, if they kept them apart indefinitely?! It was what the Order would do.

He whirled around, when the door slid open with a soft hiss and his shoulders sagged when he didn’t see Finn standing there but someone else entirely.

“Pleased to see me?”

Poe snorted and only barely stopped himself from slumping down on the bed. That would definitely send the wrong message. Instead he folded his arms across his chest. “What are you doing here?”

“How’s my droid?”

Poe turned to look at Beebee-Ate. In fact, he would have expected the droid to rush forward and greet his old master with enthusiasm, but in fact it just remained stationary, its dome shaped head only tilted to the side as if considering the person who had just walked in through the door.

Shrugging, Morap sat down on the chair Poe had just vacated without waiting for an invitation.

“He’s fine,” Poe said quietly, sitting down on the chair opposite Morap, grateful to have the narrow table between them.

“Shouldn’t have reset his loyalty settings… he doesn’t care about me.”

“We _are_ talking about a droid, aren’t we?”

“Yeah… but still… somehow you must have managed to get him on your side. How?”

Poe raised his eyebrows. “Nothing? He claims you talked so much about me… Maybe that’s it.” It wasn’t exactly what Beebee-Ate had communicated to him, but that didn’t matter. “Take him back, if you want to.”

Morap shook his head. “He was a gift. And you have more use for him, I guess. He’s helping you with flying?”

“Sometimes.”

“How is that going by the way.”

“Flying?”

Morap nodded, his eyes fixed on Poe’s, making him feel uncomfortable.

“It’s alright. I’m not you.”

Morap’s laugh was the same it had always been, but the effect Poe had expected didn’t show. All he felt was the urgent desire for Morap to leave him. But Morap didn’t deserve this treatment. Not right now anyway. He had helped them. Without Morap, both the map to Skywalker and the blueprints of the Star Destroyers would still be with them and not with the Resistance.

“I saw you trying to get away from that Destroyer. And you escaped the Order in a TIE. You have potential. Didn’t know that about you.”

Smirking, Poe reached for the glass he had poured for himself. He only wanted to have something to do. Anything really. Even if it was just holding a glass of water.

“They’re taking your ship here by the way. Did you know that?”

“What are you doing here?” he asked, scanning the familiar face across from him. How much things had changed… how he had changed! Morap didn’t look much older than he had back in the First Order. Just slightly bigger and even less tidy. Poe couldn’t help but notice the worn collar of his shirt and the smudge at his side.

Morap shrugged. “Does it matter?”

“You didn’t seem to want to get involved last time we talked.”

“Well… to be honest… business isn’t going that well and I figured I needed to pick a side.”

That made more sense than supposed altruistic reasons Poe wouldn’t have believed anyway. He nodded. “You’ve been here before?” he asked, taking a sip of water.

Nodding, Morap reached for the second glass and poured himself some water and Poe had to restrain himself so he didn’t knock it out of Morap’s hand straight away. He didn’t want to drink with Morap. Not even water. Instead of saying anything, he set his own glass on the table.

“A couple of times actually. Transporting things, nothing more.”

“They know about you and the Order?”

“Yeah, but I was just a pilot. There wasn’t a whole lot I had to offer them, even if I wanted to.”

“You knew about Starkiller,” Poe argued. “You know about TIEs. You went on special op missions for the Order.”

Morap’s smirk was unsettling. “But I didn’t know where it is. And you could be on Starkiller as far as I knew,” Morap said, still smiling. “But now that you’re here… I can make a new start. We’re on the same side now.”

Reluctantly, Poe nodded. “Seems so.” He swallowed hard and looked up at Morap again. Only now did he realize that he had been avoiding Morap’s gaze, staring at the tips of his boots instead.

“You look good.” Morap said quietly and Poe saw his hand twitch towards him, when the door slid open again, making Poe flinch.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he felt a hot shiver run down his spine, when he saw Finn standing there in the doorway.

“Hey…” Finn said quietly, not seeming surprised to see Morap with Poe. Apparently the guards outside had told him that Poe wasn’t alone.

“Hey…” Poe got up, wrapping his arms around Finn. To reassure Finn that he was glad to see him and to show Morap who he was with now. Morap’s time was over and Morap had to understand that. Finn’s hand on his hip was firm, not hesitant, but still they felt forced there.

“Well, I had better be leaving then…” Morap said, getting to his feet and moving towards the door.

“Hang on!” Poe found himself ask. “Do you ever get… headaches? When… when you’re about to betray the Order?”

Morap shook his head, raising his eyebrows. “No. Should I?”

Poe bit his lip and shifted his head to look questioningly at Finn, who shrugged.

“When we ran off… there was this weird drumming, but nothing more… it passed quickly though,” Finn said.

Poe swallowed hard but didn’t turn to watch Morap leave. As soon as the door closed behind him, Finn dropped his hand and sat down on the bed.

Poe followed him with a sigh, hesitantly putting his hand on Finn’s knee.

“What did he want?”

“Hit on me.” Poe managed a smile which Finn didn’t really return. “Without success, I might add.”

“I know.” Finn cleared his throat. “How are you? What was that headache talk about?” He reached up to brush his fingertip over Poe’s temple. “Are you alright?”

Poe nodded. “I guess I’ll just have to find a way to deal with it. Probably just some conditioning I haven’t been able to shake.”

Finn nodded thoughtfully, his fingers entangling themselves in Poe’s hair. Poe closed his eyes and buried his face against Finn’s neck immediately.

“I have to say I’m not surprised. I’ve been kind of waiting for something like this to happen,” Finn said.

“Why isn’t it happening with you?” Poe asked, wrapping both his arms around Finn’s torso.

“I’m not sure,” Finn muttered, his breath gently stroking Poe’s scalp. “Maybe… I don’t know…”

“What?” Poe looked up again, a sudden anxiety tugging at his heart. They must have checked Finn over as well? What if something was wrong with Finn? What if-

“Skywalker said she sensed something. Not sure what to make of it.” He swallowed hard. “Something about the Force.”

 

 

 

 

 


	23. The Trade

** Chapter 23 **

_The Trade_

 

The concept of the Force was alien to Poe and Finn didn’t appear to be familiar with it either. At least he hadn’t talked too much about it. And how was he supposed to know more about it than Poe, being raised by the Order as well. From what Finn told Poe about what Skywalker had said, being sensitive to it meant that Finn was more connected to the galaxy in general. What he made of it would be up to him, apparently. Whatever that meant. It certainly didn’t mean that he was a Jedi.

            “Not yet, anyway,” Finn muttered in Poe’s hair, pulling him close.

            They were lying on the bed, Poe’s arms wrapped around Finn and Finn holding him close. Poe’s head was spinning. It was as if everything was slipping through his fingers again and as if Finn’s arms were the only thing holding him in place. He closed his eyes.

            “Do you want to be?” he whispered.

            “No? I mean... why would I want to be? Roaming the galaxy with you might be hard to do if I undergo training. There isn’t even anyone around to teach me properly, or rather _us_. And Rey… I mean Skywalker, isn’t trained yet either. Not really. Apparently she has some books and has been learning from those, but I don’t really want to stay here indefinitely if I can help it. And neither do you by the looks of it.”

            Poe shrugged. “No, I don’t,” he said. “But I don’t know how we are to get away from here either. We’re stuck.”

            With a sigh, Finn pulled Poe closer. “I guess we are.”

            They were quiet for a while, unable to say anything helpful. Incapable of finding the right words. But still, Poe wasn’t tense. Far from it. The Resistance obviously wasn’t planning on treating them like the First Order would have done. Of course, they were being held prisoner, but their cell was far more comfortable than he would have thought possible. He’d have to find a way to tell Organa what he had come here to say and that meant having to find a way to fight those strange headaches.

            “I wish you had your datapad,” he said into the silence pressing in on them them. “I’d love to hear what happens next.”

            Finn nodded. “We had to leave it at a very crucial point.” His fingertip brushed over Poe’s cheek. The reading had become a habit over the past few days. Finn’s voice managed to draw Poe in like nothing else ever had. Was it because Finn was sensitive to the Force? Poe couldn’t tell, but to his own surprise he had to admit that he didn’t care. If the Force had any part in this, then that had to be a good thing! It had to be. Everything else was impossible to even think about.

            “Funny they’re going to break someone out, right?” Poe smiled weakly, his fingertip drawing circles on Finn’s chest. They had reached the end of the third book far quicker than Poe would have anticipated. The story of the young wizard was terribly appealing to him and apparently to Finn as well.

Maybe it was because this boy was an orphan just like they were.

Maybe it was because he liked how loyal the main character was to his friends.

Maybe it was because that boy stood up for what was right against all odds.

Maybe it was because he felt a spark of hope ignite inside of him every time that young, loyal orphan managed to win a victory no one had thought possible.

He swallowed hard. It was just a story! He shouldn’t be this upset about not being able to live up to a fictional character!

“You okay?” Finn asked softly.

“I’m fine,” Poe muttered, closing his eyes. “Just miss you reading to me is all.”

“Do you think I could find something to read in here for you? Maybe… I don’t know. The manual for the sonic shower? Or the toilet.”

Poe wrapped his leg around Finn’s. “They’re taking our ship here, maybe we can ask someone if we can have your datapad for recreational purposes?“

Finn’s soft laugh made a comfortable shiver rush down his spine. “I could try to make up a story for you? Or… or maybe just try to recreate one?”

“Recreate one?”

“Yeah! You know… um… Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young merman and he-“

“A what?”

“A merman.”

“What’s a merman?”

“Just shut up and listen!”

Poe fell silent. This seemed to have become a ritual between them. Him asking stupid questions and Finn telling him to be quiet and he had to admit that he rather liked these moments. Especially when Finn made him stop talking with a kiss or maybe even more. Not that anything of the sort would happen now in their current situation, but it was nice to remember the other instances when they had been freer.

“Anyway, this merman lived deep below the waves and he loved playing with the fish and the-“ he stopped when a soft beeping at the door signalled that someone was outside.

Poe sat up quickly and got to his feet, making sure his hair and clothes looked presentable; old habits he had maintained all his life kicking in at once. Finn at his side did the same and Poe threw him a quick smile as he recognized the anger in Finn’s eyes. They weren’t free after all. Not really. In their own ship, they hadn’t had to face anyone else. In fact, the only time they had to deal with other people nowadays was when they chose to take on another job.

The door opened before either of them could comment on what had just happened and a Zabrak female stepped into the room, her light eyes giving the room a quick scan. “The General wants you both,” she said curtly before turning on her heels and, obviously expecting them to follow her, starting to walk.

“For dinner?” Finn said so quietly that only Poe could hear him.

Poe caught Finn’s eye and suppressed a smile which would be entirely out of place as they left their quarters and realized at once that the droid was on his heels. The guards didn’t object to this and neither did the Zabrak, who apparently didn’t think it necessary to grace them with any more attention. Did she know who they were then?

The same sense of dread Poe had felt upon landing here on this planet started creeping up his spine again. Whatever it was the General wanted, Poe was sure it had something to do with the plans they had delivered here. It was obvious that she trusted Finn more than him, since he had merely been a Stormtrooper and not as high up in the Order’s ranks. It was only natural that Finn, whose history was a lot more gruesome than Poe’s by any standards, would claim the General’s sympathies. Moreover, the fact that Skywalker had sensed something about the Force in him, would only amplify the General’s belief in Finn’s innocence in all of this, while Poe was nothing but an enemy. An enemy who had already attacked one of the General’s most important informants. He’d be lucky if she were to let him go within the next twenty years.

He was surprised to see that the Zabrak didn’t lead them back to the room where they had met Organa first, but up a narrow flight of stairs and into an area Poe recognized at once by its layout. The holographic interface in the dead centre with various consoles and strategic maps crammed into the relatively small space looked a lot like the command centre on the Star Destroyer he had served on after his graduation from the Academy. The equipment was partially outdated, he realized at once, as the Zabrak led them past a group of communication officers, other devices he spotted were brand new. Whoever was funding the Resistance obviously only did so on a semi-regular basis. And as he thought this, he realized immediately that the only reason Organa had allowed both him and Finn to be here, was because she either needed them here desperately or because she had come to the conclusion that they would not betray information on the state of their command centre to the First Order.

            Organa was standing with her back to them in front of one of the tactical displays, a golden protocol droid on her left and a tall, slightly chubby looking man on her right. Poe recognized the flight suit at once. Another pilot then. The man turned his head when the Zabrak approached the little group and as their eyes met, the man’s mouth twisted into a warm smile. Beebee-Ate chirped happily in greeting at the droid who ignored him like he wasn’t there.

            “You’re the guys who are going to help us take that thing down?”

            Poe swallowed hard and nodded before he could stop himself. Better to rush into these things than think them over too much. His head was beginning to throb again. The ache was nothing but a soft nuisance but it would get worse quickly enough. He was sure of that.

            Organa turned around slowly and nodded tentatively. “ _Are_ you still willing to help, then?”

            After a quick exchange of looks with Finn, Poe stretched out a hand towards Organa again. As if shaking hands with her could in any way seal the deal which had never been made or talked about even. A deal built on trust. A deal which would guarantee their freedom in exchange for the help they were offering. Maybe, just maybe the very fact that Organa had let someone lead them here among the Resistance fighters meant that she was willing to believe them and Poe had a strong feeling that this was in fact the case. Not that trusting military people had been a safe bet for him this far, but somehow things seemed to be different with Organa.

            With a nod, Organa released his hand and turned to Finn. “Thank you for the offer,” she said, just as a big hand landed on Poe’s shoulder, almost throwing him off-balance.

            “Welcome, friend!” the man exclaimed, winking at someone over Poe’s shoulder as the Zabrak retreated. “The name’s Temmin Wexley, but people call me Snap.”

            “Snap?” Finn asked, sounding incredulous. He might be used to certain nicknames for Stormtroopers, but thus far they hadn’t come across anyone else claiming an unconventional nickname as their own.

            “Yup,” _Snap_ said, shrugging. “Long story.” He grinned.

            “Your mothers were both in the Starfighter Corps of the Rebel Alliance.”

            Beebee-Ate whistled as if intrigued by this piece of news.

            Snap’s eyes widened and Poe shifted uncomfortably.

            “What’s your name?”

            “Finn,” Finn said quickly, clearly sensing Poe’s sentiment. “Finn Dameron. Or are we still going with Bey, Poe?”

            Poe couldn’t help but snort at this. He threw Finn a quick smile, then shrugged. “Dameron is fine, I suppose. My mother didn’t want me to have her name after all.” The words didn’t sting as he had thought they would. Instead, he could feel the pain receding somewhat.

            “I think I heard that name. Wasn’t-“

            “Hey, Wexley!”, came a shout from behind Poe, interrupting Snap. “Come on over here, we need your opinion on something!”

            A smile flickered over Snap’s face and he shrugged. “Talk to you guys later then!” His smile widened into a grin before he pushed past them but Poe didn’t follow him with his eyes. The last thing he wanted was being forced into another conversation about his mother.

            “So you’ve checked the storage device then?” he asked Organa, who nodded.

“Unfortunately we can’t afford to go looking for my brother right now. Not as long as the First Order is still gathering momentum. We need them distracted. At least for a while.”

Poe nodded. “What about the plans for the new Destroyers?”

“They will be helpful in the future, I presume, but I’m afraid they won’t be able to help us with what’s next.”

The droid at her side twitched somewhat. “Your Highness,” it said, “shall I-“

“Yes, Threepio. Thank you.” Organa didn’t look at her droid, who walked past them towards the tactical holo display in the centre of the room. No one seemed to pay too much attention, when it was lit up and Poe found himself looking directly at the image of the base he himself had studied over and over again these past years. The astromech rolled towards the holo, its head twitching from side to side as if studying the thing extensively. Just seeing the picture here, knowing that Organa was right beside him, made something behind his temple start to thud softly. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, digging up the mental picture of his mother again. The memory of the moment when Finn had pushed her into his arms and he had been allowed to hold her for a few seconds. She would want him to do this. To avenge her and everything that had been done to her, to Finn and to himself. He felt a soft touch at the small of his back and looked up again.

The throbbing had receded somewhat. “So,” he began, looking over at Organa. “You’ve already had your meeting I suppose?” At least no one else was bothering to look at the enormous battle station projected in the very heart of their facility.

“We did, but mostly about the general approach. Snap, the pilot you just met, went there and did a quick scan. This is the result.”

Poe nodded. The Order was very likely to have followed the vector the enemy ship had taken, when it had left the solar system. It was very likely they knew where the Resistance Base was now. Organa was playing it close.

“It’s very likely that things over there have changed since we left,” Finn said, his hand still on Poe’s back. The warmth of the touch was soothing as always but somehow right now it was more than that. Unnerved, Poe pushed the thought away, unwilling to think about the Force and how it may or may not be connected to Finn and how it might influence him at this very moment.

“Any idea what they may have changed?” She was looking up at the projected planet. The main part of the weapon was exposed to them from this angle and it looked so easy to attack. So easy to destroy.

The planetary shield would be protecting the base of course and any sort of attack would only result in the destruction of the assailants.

“No.” Poe said. “I was in charge of the base’s defence, but since we defected they are bound to have made some changes.”

He caught her eye, the frown on her face telling him all to plainly that she wanted to know more. That she _needed_ to know more.

“What’s your plan?” Finn spoke up, still looking at the base on which their lives had changed so dramatically. He let go of Poe and instead grabbed the railing of the projector. He was anxious to do something. Anything. Poe could tell by the tenseness in Finn’s entire body.

“Well, the planetary shield poses a problem. The other problem would be how to get past the other defences. Our fleet is rather small, you know?”

Poe nodded. He had noticed that. They didn’t even have fifty X-Wings stationed here on this planet as far as he could gather from what he had seen upon entering the base. “How many fighters do you have? Any bigger frigates under your command?”

She shook her head. “As you know the Republic is in turmoil. Most of the fleet has been destroyed. Both things mean that we have a lot of people willing to sign up, but they’re trained on other worlds, not our main base of operations. Just in case.”

Finn nodded grimly. “And you don’t have enough ships to equip them with?”

“As of yet… no.”

“But surely the Order can’t have destroyed the Republic’s _entire_ fleet, right? I mean, some of them must know that joining forces with you is the only viable option right now,” Poe said, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers and forcing himself to remember his mother as the pain launched yet another assault. He took another deep breath.

“You are aware that the New Republic is a democracy and can’t just unleash it’s fleet upon the enemy? There’re procedures to be followed.”

“Procedures you chose to ignore to found this organization, right?”

She smiled weakly. “Well…” Organa shrugged. “The thing is the fleet commanders are no mercenaries and we’re not equipped to pay mercenaries even if we wanted to.”

“So, you wait for mercenaries to offer their help voluntarily?” Finn was scowling at Organa now and Poe had to admit had Finn had a point. In this situation cooperating with basically anyone who showed up at your doorstep to offer their help might indeed pose a threat. Yes, Organa had been cautious with him and Finn. But what about others? What if Morap’s motives had been more questionable? What if bounty hunters in disguise moved to infiltrate the Resistance under the pretence of wanting to add firepower to the dwindling force of the Resistance?

“You’re concerned for our well-being. Touching.”

Poe spun around to see Skywalker standing only two feet behind him. A little to the side, almost hidden by shadows he spotted Morap’s frame leaning against one of the many pillars. He was smiling weakly at him, but Poe decided that right now wasn’t the right time to push him away again. The fact that Beebee-Ate didn’t react to his old master’s presence was reassuring, Poe realized.

“Just worried that what little we can help here with might be for nothing,” Finn replied with a smile as Skywalker drew nearer and leaned against the projector on Finn’s other side.

“Like I said: we don’t let just anyone come here,” Organa said. “What are your suggestions for tackling this thing, Dameron? Poe, I mean?”

“Well,” Poe cleared his throat, just as Finn put one hand on his back again. “Like you said, the shield is a problem. Someone would have to get in there and deactivate it before anything can happen.” He looked at the control panel in front of him, immediately recognizing the layout. He searched Organa’s face, asking for permission with a single look and when he got it he proceeded to zoom in on one of the main buildings located north of the main weapon. “The shield generator is located in this building. Someone would have to get in there to eliminate it.”

“How?” Skywalker asked.

“Fractional refreshery,” Poe answered with a shrug. “Maybe a ship fast enough can make it through with lightspeed.”

“You’re kidding…”

“You want those shields down, someone’s gotta do it and last I checked none of you were on that base.”

“Or familiar with it,” Finn added. “I can help. I can get you everywhere on that base. No problem.”

All of a sudden, Poe’s mouth was horribly dry. This wasn’t happening. They couldn’t go back there! The very thought of being back on that planet made his knees weak. “Finn.”

“I said _I_ , not _we_ ,” Finn added. “I can go.”

Skywalker nodded but Poe barely registered it. “We need you here,” Organa said. “To help us coordinate the attack.”

And that was that. They were going to keep him here as leverage for Finn and Finn would be on Starkiller to ensure that Poe cooperated and did everything in his power to get his husband out of there safely.

He took a deep breath. “Try and disable the thermal oscillator from within,” he said, doing his best to sound calm, while his heart was beating rapidly in his chest.

Finn nodded, throwing Poe a reassuring, almost devilish smile. If anyone could do this, it was probably Finn, Poe admitted.

“I’m coming with you,” Skywalker said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You’re our best pilot, Rey.” Organa shook her head, but Skywalker seemed to have made her decision already. She fixated Organa with a single look.

“I’m more use to you there though. Who knows what we may encounter down there.”

Poe reached out for Finn’s hand, squeezing it and not giving a damn about who could see them. He didn’t want Finn to go. Hell, if he was honest he didn’t want anyone to have to go to that planet, but Finn was right. He knew his way around down there. He knew better than anyone how the Stormtroopers operated and how to avoid them.

He let go of Finn’s hand again, then let his fingers fly over the console, pulling up more closer images and he recognized certain layouts on the outer structure of the base he had been working on with his team. It would have been hard for the Order to shift positions of the turrets in the past six months, but those weren’t going to be the main problem for the attacking Starfighters. “The turrets can shoot around three salvos per second each, but after around twenty seconds, they have to pause for ten seconds to cool down somewhat. That’s why they will never all be fired at once. I can mark those I know about on this map if you want me to,” he said and then pointed at the arrays of turrets placed strategically around the oscillator. “The TIE hangar bays are a bit further out and if they don’t see you coming that will give you a slight tactical advantage, but they’re bound to have changed their strategies since I left.” He did his best not to look at Finn, even though Finn’s hand on his back was distraction enough.

“What was their previous battle plan?”

Poe sighed. He was giving it up. All of it. Every single thing he had been working on for the past years. He was handing it to the enemy, undoing everything he had created in the process. Was he too sentimental?

Perhaps.

Perhaps he was.

And perhaps it was exactly what he needed to do in order to clear his conscience. To leave all of this behind and return to the life he had led with Finn before things had started to spin out of control.

Finn… what if Finn didn’t come back to him? What in the name of all the stars was he supposed to do then? The lump at his throat made it hard to breathe all of a sudden and not even Finn’s touch could make it go away. Finn had to return! He had to!

“Your Highness?” The golden protocol droid spoke up again, making everyone turn towards him. “Our guests’ ship has been brought here.”

Organa nodded. “Fine. Not information I particularly wanted right now, but thank you.”

“I only thought I should tell you. It has been cleared.”

Organa nodded. “Thank you.” She rolled her eyes at Skywalker, who smiled in return, but Poe didn’t care.

“When are you launching the attack?” Poe asked.

“In about three hours.”

Poe nodded and looked at Finn. Their eyes met and just like on Starkiller, Poe got the feeling that the time of sitting idly in a corner and waiting for things to happen was past. Finn needed him to do this right. And he would. He had to. This wouldn’t go wrong! They’d get this over with and start over. They would help destroy the Order no matter the cost. Not that Organa’s people were going to trust him straightaway. He was fresh blood. He hadn’t earned their trust yet and once he told them how he knew those things about Starkiller’s defences in such detail, they would hate him. Not that he could blame them. Things were going to get rough and he was prepared to face them. He had to prove himself first and that was what he was going to do if that was what it took to get them both out of here in one piece.

“I’m gonna need a datapad,” he said turning to Organa. “I can’t draw those things up on this big holo. And get me your tactical staff. We need to talk.” He didn’t even realize the headaches had vanished.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with this story! Please let me know what you think ;)


	24. One Last Shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy May 4th!!

** Chapter 24 **

_One Last Shot_

****

The more time it took him to note down everything he could to give the Resistance the tactical advantage in their attack against the First Order, the faster his heart was beating. Yes, he was giving up vital information. Information he had vowed to keep safe once a year since he had turned six. Every year when the Order remembered the Old Empire and its devotion of renewing the Empire’s promise to the galaxy.

But that was not the cause of his nervousness.

The reason was that with every passing moment, Finn’s departure was drawing closer and when he was halfway done and one of the technicians jumped up from his chair and rushed over to Organa standing next to Poe to inform her about Starkiller Base powering up, he felt his stomach twist into a painful knot. He looked up from the datapad and met Finn’s gaze straightaway.

“I think we have enough information,” Organa addressed Skywalker.

She nodded. “Alright then. The droids should be done loading the _Falcon_ by now.”

The anxiousness was only apparent on Finn’s face for the blink of an eye, but seeing it there even for this short span of time made Poe want to beg Organa to let him come along. He pressed his lips together instead and got back to work before he could do or say anything stupid. Only when he felt Finn’s arm wrap around him did he put the datapad away. Finn’s face was close to his and despite everyone gathering inside the command centre at this very moment, doubtless summoned there by some silent alarm, Finn’s lips found his for a brief moment of blissful forgetfulness and an eerie sense of dread.

“Come back in one piece, okay?” he said hoarsely, ignoring the stares he got from passers-by who had no idea who he or Finn were.

Finn nodded, his hand sliding up Poe’s back and his eyes as serious as they had been the day they had run off together. It took him a visible effort to pull himself away from Poe, but he did it without further comment and followed Skywalker out of the command centre and all the while Poe had his eyes fixed on him, even if Finn didn’t look back.

“Rey is good at what she does,” he heard Organa say and Poe nodded absentmindedly and turning back to the datapad. Beebee-Ate at his feet made a sound which almost sounded like a sad little moan. What a strange machine indeed. It was as if the astromech didn’t like to see Finn go, either.

“Finn isn’t half bad,” Poe said vaguely marking two more turrets and the course defending TIE-fighters would most likely take to avoid getting hit by friendly fire.

“You know that I can’t vouch for any of this, right?” he asked, when he put down the datapad for a moment. More people had gathered around the centre console by now, but Organa’s eyes were fixed on him with a determination which almost made Poe want to shrink away from her. She may not call herself “Princess” anymore nowadays, but as he stood there facing her, with all those people around her, her royalty was almost palpable.

“I know that you’re going to do all you can to get your partner out of there,” she answered.

Poe nodded, his throat dry and his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Only now, that the murmuring around them started to subside, did he realize it had been there, but the General was drawing everyone’s attention with a single look. Poe did his best to avoid Snap’s gaze and found himself staring at Morap standing a bit further away, arms crossed over his chest and eyes fixed on the holo of Starkiller Base with an intensity that would have managed to turn Poe’s blood to ice had Poe been able to feel anything but despair for Finn’s safety.

“As you know,” Organa began, her deep carrying voice far more authoritative in its calm than Hux’s had ever been, “the First Order is about to launch their attack on us and we are faced with one only one path of action.” She pointed at the hologram and the oscillator clearly marked in red. “The thermal oscillator needs to be destroyed as quickly as possible. A small strike team is on its way right now to lower the shields.”

“The base is bound to be well protected, though,” a human male, Organa had introduced to him as Admiral Statura, two people down from Organa said, “not just by that shield. The Order is cleverer than that.”

“That’s why it’s good that we have help,” Organa answered and Poe felt a shiver starting to run down his spine. So this was it. She was going to expose him and before he knew it, he’d be in a stinking cell, waiting for his execution. Organa had kept his identity more or less secret and that was probably why he’d been able to get this far, but things were bound to get ugly from here on. “This is Poe Dameron, he and his partner have gathered intel from inside the First Order and brought the information to us.”

Everyone turned to stare at him and Poe did his best to stand upright and not avoid anyone’s gaze. They were supposed to be allies now and he needed them to trust him if he wanted Finn to get out of there in one piece.

“How’d you get your intel?” One of the pilots, a woman with bright hair around his own age asked.

Organa looked up at him and Poe could see that she had hoped to keep this information close to her chest for a little while longer.

“We deserted from the Order,” Poe said, his voice carrying through the sudden silence in the command centre. “About half a year ago.” He looked at Snap, because right now this man’s support was all he could hope for. Either he’d hate him for who he was, or overcome the hostility he was bound to feel towards him because of their mothers. Poe wasn’t sure what it would be, before he saw Snap shrug and nod.

“I’ve known my fair share of deserters. Fine with me.”

Poe felt a heavy weight being lifted off his shoulders and for a moment he thought that maybe, after all this was over, he should bring himself to talk with Snap Wexley after all.

 

Several hours later, Poe was still standing close to the centre console. His hands were holding on tight to the narrow edge, while his eyes were trained intently on the hologram projected in front of them. Organa had left for a short while to get some rest and had returned shortly before their ships had dropped out of lightspeed. Statura had listened to Poe’s explanations intently and made a couple of adjustments to the attack plan before the X-Wing pilots had taken off. They had only sent the fastest more manoeuvrable X-Wings with lots of firepower, while the three bigger Calamari cruisers and a batch of highly manoeuvrable starfighters had remained in orbit. They’d not be able to do much damage on the planet and the X-Wings had a better chance of getting out of this situation. The strike-team the Resistance’s leaders had decided to send was rather small, but also very agile. Or so Poe had been told. The only thought he could cling to at this moment was that this was going to work! It had to work! They’d have to get out of this. Finn had to come back to him.

            He was listening as intently as anyone to the silence washing back to them through the open comm channels. There would be no contact between the strike-team and the Resistance’s headquarters in case the messages were intercepted. They didn’t even know if Finn and Skywalker had managed to shut down the shield or had been caught in the process.

            Poe’s insides were churning and it was as if every bone in his body was charged with electricity, preparing him to jump into action the moment he needed to. But of course, there was nothing to be done from here. Nothing but wait. Nothing but prepare for a piece of news which would destroy the small world he and Finn had built for themselves over the past few months.

            Organa put her hand lightly on his arm, before moving over to one of the other consoles. She was tense too, her face a mask no one would be able to read, but someone who had been trained to appear just as distant to the turmoil unfolding around them.  He was used to this and it was easy to fall back to this role of spectator. Of someone waiting for things to happen. For the plan to be set into motion and for the events to unfold. On the outside, nothing but the tight grip on the console betrayed the mayhem inside. He had been trained from childhood not to let things get to him, or at least suppress any sort of outward betrayal of his thoughts and feelings.

            For a brief moment, Poe’s gaze shifted from the projected oscillator over to Morap, sitting on a chair nearby, sipping from a mug and looking as if he had no doubt about this whole operation going their way… how often had Poe worried about him? About him getting hurt or killed in action? And Morap never seemed to have cared about losing his life in the course of duty. But maybe things had been different back then. Maybe Poe had misinterpreted Morap’s seeming calm. What if Morap simply hadn’t cared about his life, because it had less value than the thrill of impending death?

            Poe swallowed hard and turned back to the hologram. He could see the building where his own living quarters had been. It wasn’t a particularly sharp image, but he could make out the basic structure of the base and where he had spent several months of his life… where his mother had died…

            Would Meelan die there as well? After all that had happened between them, Poe couldn’t face the idea of being responsible for Meelan’s death. He, who had been Meelan’s friend, wanted to scream at the very thought of the threat hanging over Meelan’s head. It almost made him want to beg Organa to call off the operation. Meelan’s wife, Nataleeh, must have given birth by now. Meelan was a father now and a child needed both his parents.

            But no.

            The Order was about to wipe _them_ out if they didn’t act.

            But Meelan hadn’t sold them out to the Order when he’d had the chance, had he?

            No… he couldn’t start thinking like this. Not now, when he could have already lost Finn.

            And what about Pallaeon? And the members of his team? Poe felt an icy wave run down his spine, making him shudder and close his eyes.

            What had he done?

            Weren’t all those men and women just as much victims of the Order as he and Finn were?

            Breathing was hard.

            Staying upright nearly impossible.

            A sudden crackling noise made him jump and Beebee-Ate gave a soft whistle. His head snapped around to the communications stations.

            Another few seconds passed during which Poe didn’t even dare breathe. He could sense someone approaching him, taking up position by his side and he knew, he just _knew_ that it was Morap.

            “We got it!” An unfamiliar voice shouted, the wide grin clearly audible.

            Poe closed his eyes and let out a breath, unsure of what he was feeling. He opened his eyes again, staring at Organa who asked the question he wasn’t allowed to ask.

            “What about Rey? And Dameron?”

            “The _Falcon_ took off just now. We didn’t contact you before we were sure they got out okay.”

            Letting out a long breath he hadn’t even known he had been holding, Poe leaned forward, burying his face in his hands. Beebee-Ate by his side chirped happily, bumping into his leg.

            “Why isn’t she-“ Organa asked but before she could finish the question another voice made itself heard over the comm.

            “We’re here, Leia.” Skywalker… it was her! Poe would never have thought that he’d actually be happy to hear her voice, but the tone in it made his body tense up again. Something was wrong.

            “Finn is unconscious. He’s going to need medical attention once we get there.”

            “What happened?” Poe strode over to Organa, while everyone else seemed to be cheering. To be celebrating the demise of Starkiller Base and with it the biggest weapon the First Order had to throw at the galaxy. “Skywalker?” Poe reached the comm station and Organa took a step back, not entirely looking like she appreciated him speaking up like this.

            “What’s wrong? What happened?”

            “I need to get back to him. Engaging hyper-“

            “WHAT HAPPENED!?” Finn was hurt… Finn was unconscious. Finn was in need of medical attention!

            Finn…

            This one word kept racing through his brain, numbing his entire being, as the comm cracked again and connection to the ship was cut off. She hadn’t even bothered to fill him in.

            “He’s going to be okay,” he heard Organa say, as if from a distance. Her deep voice barely reached him and her hand on his arm made him flinch back.

            How was she to know? How could she possibly say, what was wrong with Finn? And if he’d live? How was she to know how he was feeling? He, who was not only responsible for Starkiller’s defence, which had probably been responsible for Finn’s condition, but also for the death of thousands of people on the base itself…

            He tried swallowing, but his throat was parched. He rubbed is hand over his eyes trying to sort out his thoughts. Organa had let go of him at least. That was something.

            “General? Admiral Ackbar?”

            Poe didn’t turn, when one of the operators spoke up her voice high, almost shrill as she was shouting over the hubbub surrounding them.

            “Two ships just dropped out of hyperspace.”

            At this Poe’s head snapped around.

            “Resurgent class Star Destroyers.”

            His heart dropped. This couldn’t be happening!

            “When will they be here?”

            Poe watched the Mon Calamari approach the console, whose name he only remembered now from history lessons at the Academy. The Mon Calamari were a peaceful species as far as Poe remembered, but they could fight like few others.

            “About twenty minutes.”

Taking a deep calming breath, Poe turned to Organa, who was watching him closely, eyes narrowed and he took a step back. “I- it-“, he stammered, unable to articulate a clear sentence. His mind was numb. Finn was hurt. There was nowhere for him to go now.

            “I know it wasn’t you…” she muttered, then walked past him towards the console, where around a dozen people were now gathered.

            “Get all remaining fighters in the air,” Ackbar said.

            “We don’t stand a chance against two of these…” Organa muttered and then added what Poe himself was thinking. “Who knows how many others might be on their way. We need to evacuate.”

            She didn’t even pay any attention to Poe as everyone jumped straight into action. They didn’t even have twenty minutes and they all must know it. Poe pressed his lips together, unsure of what to do now.

He caught Morap’s eye. Shrugging, the other made to move towards him, past the people who were bustling about and making sure that all essential data was stored and erased. The look on Morap’s face was something Poe was unable to deal with at the moment. If he didn’t start doing something, and soon, he’d lose his mind worrying about Finn. He couldn’t afford that and it wouldn’t get him anywhere. Pushing past two technicians busying themselves with one of the consoles, Poe approached Organa and Ackbar.

“Let me help,” he said, just as three other senior officers stepped up towards them. The tactical display hovering over the centre console was now showing their solar system and the two Star Destroyers with their escorts approaching them quickly. “I was raised to do this.”

He caught Statura’s eye and felt his heart drop. He knew exactly how he had sounded just now. “I know you know how to deal with this, but I studied the way they attack most of my life and-“

“Alright then, Dameron. We can use all the help we can get.”

Poe swallowed, his throat still dry, but this was something he could do. This was something he could deal with. As a wave of ancient A and Y-Wings took to the air, escorting the first transports away from the approaching Star Destroyers and TIEs, Poe kept his eyes on the ships approaching them, his stomach twisting and churning. He couldn’t start thinking about who might be on those ships and what they’d do to him once they reached this base or what Finn would do if he made it and found that the Order had won after all. Those thoughts had to be pushed deep down, where they wouldn’t be able to fight their way back to the surface until he could allow them to.

On the screens in front of him he watched familiar patterns form as the TIEs swarmed in on the Resistance’s ships, around twenty or so breaking free of the formation to breach atmosphere and strike at the base. Poe’s heart was drumming wildly in his chest, as he watched while the Destroyers got ever closer. “They won’t attack the cruisers just yet,” he muttered, as the first freighters jumped to lightspeed and the accompanying Resistance starfighters started firing at the TIEs.

“Why?” The commander eyed him suspiciously and Poe pointed at the Destroyers. “There’s bigger game down here. They’ll know most senior personnel will be staying on the base till the very last moment.”

“So we need to take out the big ships?”

Poe shook his head. “The TIEs first. There are bound to be Special Forces TIEs heading our way. They have proper shielding and will be harder to kill.” The last word echoed through his brain, making him shiver. He had helped making those shields more effective. He had wanted to protect those fighters once…

“They’ll be aiming to distract us while the big ships get here. You need to get away from here as soon as possible.”

Organa bit her lip. “The self-destruct,” she said. “We can’t let what we have here fall into their hands.”

Poe turned to look at her. Engaging the self-destruct sequence had never been the strategy of the Rebellion during the war. Things had changed obviously. “They won’t be expecting that.”

She nodded, then Ackbar hit one of the buttons on the console in front of them, opening the base-wide comm-channel. “Attention all personnel,” his voice echoed through the room.

Poe took a step back, letting his mind wander over the few remaining technicians, pulling hard drives from underneath consoles and he found himself hoping they could manage to salvage as much as possible.

“Prepare for immediate evacuation. We are engaging the self-destruct sequence now.”

“The TIEs will be trying to keep us on the ground,” Poe said quietly, watching as an A-Wings managed to break away from the fight outside the atmosphere and head towards the base. “Tell them to get away!” He shook his head. “They’ll be caught between the next wave and the TIEs swarming down on us.”

The ground beneath their feet shook, almost making Poe’s knees give way. He had to hold on to one of the consoles, as he watched the first five TIEs rush up into the air again, while the next ten started firing before the base’s shields could even be activated.

“There’s a secondary hangar a couple of kilometres away from here,” Organa said, sounding calm, while her eyes were scanning the tactical display in front of them.

Poe’s throat was tight. “Can we tell the _Falcon_ and the X-Wings that we’re under attack?”

“First thing we did,” Admiral Statura said. “Let’s get going.”

“We’re gonna need to distract them. They’ll be expecting us to try and make a run for it.”

Organa scowled at him. The base shook again as another wave of bombardment hit the bunker above them. Poe reached for the console and switched to the surveillance cameras aimed at the landing pads in front of the main hangar.

Poe took a deep breath. “The _Beginner_ is still unharmed. So are a couple of other ships. Skeleton crews on each of them should do the trick and make the Order believe we’re taking off that way.”

He looked at Ackbar first, counting on the Mon Calamari’s strategic gut feeling. As he had expected, the Admiral nodded.

“Admiral…” Organa shook her head violently, then turned to look at the other Admiral. “Statura?”

The man shrugged. The alarms went off, echoing shrilly through the entire base. The shields had failed. “Whatever we do. We need to do it fast.”

            Not half a minute later, Statura and Ackbar had typed in the command for the self-destruct and sent a few select pilots to the remaining ships, still remaining in front of the hangar.

            Poe watched as Organa, Statura and Ackbar hurried off towards a door Poe hadn’t seen until now. Probably a transport which would take them and the remaining technicians to the far-away secondary hangar. They had ten minutes before the base was blown sky high.

            He pressed his lips tightly together, then turned towards Morap. They were the last to people remaining in the command centre. Maybe an obvious sign of trust from Organa? Poe could feel every single beating of his heart pulsing through his neck, making his head all fuzzy. “Your ship left with the first wave, right?” he asked and Morap nodded, eyes flashing towards the screen showing the tarmac and landing pads in front of the hangar.

            “Would you mind giving me a lift?”

            “Not at all.” Poe couldn’t help but smile. He found himself remembering the few missions they had been on together. The moment when they had encountered trouble and there was only one way to go: ahead. When trying to get away was the only option left. He only remembered too well what had happened after those few incidents and as soon as the mental images hit him, the smile vanished from his lips and his heart plummeted again.

            “Let’s go.” They hurried off, following the few pilots heading in the same direction as them. As their feet hit the concrete in unison, Poe couldn’t help but throw a look over his shoulder at Morap, who hadn’t said a single thing during the whole ordeal. Not one word. Not even, when his ship had taken off. Not even, when the TIEs had started bombarding the base.

The roof over their heads was raining dust, while the alarms were ringing in their ears and Poe felt his gut twist painfully. But he didn’t stop running. Not for a single moment. He bent low, as they reached the door leading outside, laser beams flashing past them, hitting the tarmac in green bursts of destruction, making small rocks fly up into the sky, spraying their ankles with tiny, hot, burning debris. Poe ran flat out towards his ship sitting almost at the edge of the forest. He heard nothing but the rushing of the wind and the loud, shrill screaming of approaching TIEs. Right and left ships were taking off, a few small freighters shooting out of the hangar, one of them crashing in a ball of fire as soon as it had left it, blocking the way for all further ships.

Beebee-Ate whistled loudly right at his heels. The droid really was loyal. “Open it up, Beebee-Ate!” Poe screamed over the noise of explosions, trying to ignore the burning heat in his neck. Next second the loading ramp was lowered and they were in, momentarily sheltered from the attacking TIEs by the cover the trees provided them with.

“Need a pilot?”

Poe swallowed hard as he ran for the ladder leading up to the deck above. “I can handle it,” he said though he wasn’t too confident. The only thing he did know at this precise moment was, that he didn’t want Morap anywhere near him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah! I can do this!” As long as Beebee-Ate helped him that was.

“Poe!”

How much time did they have left? Poe didn’t know, but he stopped dead in his tracks. Would the explosion reach them out here? Probably not. It was very likely the self-destruct would only destroy the most important equipment which might still contain info on the base they were heading to next.

Morap’s eyes were wide, fringe sticking to his forehead, the curly more prominent now than ever as he was standing at the bottom of the ramp, feet still placed solidly on the earth. “Poe…”

His legs felt like lead, as Poe slowly moved towards him, taking in every single detail of Morap’s appearance. The eyes he had stared into so often. The lips he had kissed almost every day for ten years of his life. The hands he had thought he trusted once.

“What?” Poe asked, breath catching in his chest.

“I have the codes that could get us out of here safely.”

“I know.” Poe’s eyes were burning, his arms trembling.

“We can leave all of this behind, you know?”

_All of this._

The Resistance.

Running.

The fear of being caught.

Finn.

Poe bit his lip and looked at the ground, while behind Morap the hangar of the Resistance base was collapsing, trapping everyone inside from that end. And all because of Morap… “It was you, wasn’t it?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Morap didn’t nod, or say anything as Poe moved forward, until they were face to face, the heat of the flames behind Morap always making Poe want to pull away. But he didn’t. Not even for a single heartbeat. “I…”

“You contacted them.”

Beebee-Ate beeped loudly, sounding alarmed, the single sound enough for Poe to realize that the droid wasn’t in on it.

Morap’s mouth twitched. “Come with me.”

Those three words again.

Those words he had rejected once.

Words which made his guts twist into a hot, painful knot.

            “Morap…” he whispered, unable to say anything else. His hands were shaking as he took one step closer towards Morap. Their noses were almost touching and as the next wave of TIEs rushed by overhead, followed directly by three Y-Wings, Morap put his hands on his hips, pulling him close with a jerk, pressing his lips to Poe’s.

            Poe’s sound of protest was silenced by Morap’s suffocating kiss. Eyes burning, Poe placed his hands on Morap’s sides, his thumb brushing over the fabric as he returned the kiss, while the world was falling apart around them.

His heart was racing, every fibre in his body seeming to burn with a heat he couldn’t place.

Morap sighed, deepening the kiss, despite the starfighters firing at each other above them. He wrapped Poe into his arms, one of his hands burying into Poe’s hair, pulling softly at it as Poe’s hands moved down to Morap’s hips.

Next moment, he had pushed Morap away from him, aimed Morap’s blaster at its owner and fired a single shot at his right leg.

Groaning, Morap curled in on himself, pulling the leg towards his torso, wincing and tears streaming down his face, as he looked up at Poe. His lips were forming Poe’s name, but Poe just returned his look, as the base collapsed in on itself.

“Say hi to your brother for me,” he said over the alarmed shrieks of Beebee-Ate behind him. Putting the small blaster into his pocket, Poe turned his back on Morap, shutting the loading ramp without looking back. His neck was tingling. His hands shaking, while the rest of his body seemed to be numb.

“Want to help me get out of here?” he whispered to Beebee-Ate, who moaned softly, but turned towards the hatch and rolled there without a single sound of complaint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one Chapter to go!   
> Can't believe we're here!!


	25. Beginners

** Chapter 25 **

_Beginners_

 

With Beebee-Ate’s help he had been able to navigate through the turmoil over the base somehow. One of the TIEs had managed to hit them, scarring the ship, but not too badly. One of the wings was damaged, but that was nothing that couldn’t be fixed. As soon as they had jumped to lightspeed, Poe had managed to contact the Resistance’s fleet. Beebee-Ate had picked up a thing or two from that golden protocol droid Organa owned and Poe was grateful for it. At least this way he didn’t have to think too much about what he had done.

            Every single time his mind turned to Morap, white hot anger flamed up inside of him.

Every second he spent thinking about Finn seemed to last an eternity. There was nothing to do but wait for _The Beginner_ to reach their new destination. Nothing but stare out the viewports into the blue-white blurr that was hyperspace and try not to let the anger and the sorrow strangle him.

            Had he killed Morap?

            Had he killed his former lover like he had killed all those men and women on Starkiller Base?

            Why did he even care?

            Why couldn’t he stop caring?

            Shutting his eyes didn’t help, neither did walking up and down the corridor.

            Every time he passed the door of their small bedroom, his heart contracted painfully, leaving him even more desperate with every single time he went by it. Beebee-Ate following his every move, either by rolling behind him or by following every single step he took with alert sensors, didn’t exactly manage to calm him down.

            There was nothing to repair.

            Nothing to fix.

            Nothing to do but wait.

            When he returned to the cockpit and stared at the display, only to find that he still had five hours left, before they’d finally reach their destination, he collapsed into the pilot’s seat, unable to keep standing anymore. All the tension sagged out of his body like sap out of a cut-down plant.

            “What happened there, Beebee-Ate?” he muttered, not at all surprised to find his voice hoarse. His lips were cracked, his shirt damp with sweat.

            Poe looked over to the co-pilot’s chair.

Finn’s seat.

He had no idea how severe Finn’s injuries were. If they’d leave permanent damage. What had happened to him. All he knew was that he might very well still lose him and that led him to the most horrible conclusion about himself yet.

He didn’t worry as much about having killed as he did about potentially losing Finn.

The droid moved closer, nudging his arm tentatively and Poe put his hand on the droid’s head. “I’m okay for now… just worried about stuff…” He got up again, surprised to find his legs capable of carrying him. And carry him they did. Out of the cockpit again and to the small bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed, pulling Finn’s pillow close to his aching chest. Why did everything have to go wrong?

No…

He had expected this in a way, hadn’t he?

He had known that his life might take this turn and he had run into this situation with his eyes wide open.

So had Finn.

Pressing his eyes shut against the tears burning in his eyes, he buried his nose in the pillow. The familiar scent was something he couldn’t take easily, but letting go of the pillow seemed to be even harder.

 

“I want to see Finn.” Poe could barely hear his own voice, but he didn’t care. Organa could hear him. There was no way she couldn’t in this small room they were occupying. His eyes felt like they belonged anywhere but into their sockets right now. They were hot and keeping them open seemed to suck all remaining energy out of his body.

            Seeing her nod didn’t bring the relieve he thought it would. “I know.”

            She hadn’t kept him waiting here long.

            After he had dropped out of lightspeed in a fringe system, he had been issued a flight vector and the order to dock alongside one of the bigger command ships. He had been able to see the _Millennium Falcon_ , when he had docked. The ship in which Finn and Skywalker had come back in seemed to be intact, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to speak to either of them yet. Not that he wanted to talk to both of them… he only cared about one person right now.

            “I understand,” Organa said. “And you will. I promise you, you will, but we need to talk first. I need to know-“

            “Is he alright?”

            She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose with thumb and index finger. “Yes. He’s unconscious, but the medics tell me he’s going to be fine.”

            Poe closed his burning eyes for a moment, allowing a wave of relief to wash over him. He felt his shoulders relax somewhat. “When can I see him?”

            “Right after this. I promise you, I’ll take you to the medbay myself.”

            He nodded, staring at the table in front of him.

            “Mr Dameron, what happened?”

            With a sigh, Poe looked up at Organa. She was all business. Ready to tackle whatever problem he was going to throw at her.

            “It was Morap,” he said, reaching out for the pitcher of water standing between them, and filling up two glasses. He took one of them and emptied it with a few gulps. The icy liquid felt like heaven as it trickled down his throat. “He gave the information about the base’s whereabouts to the First Order.”

            “He told you that?”

            “Not in so many words, no.” He fell silent for a moment and then proceeded to refill his glass. “I believe they had those Star Destroyers ready to strike in a nearby system to make sure no one got away once the weapon was started up.” He shrugged. “Bet they didn’t think we’d be stupid enough to take on their precious base.”

            “Yes, we believe so, too. Especially since Bendar’s smuggler friends didn’t turn up at the last rendez-vous point.”

            “This place was chosen at random then?”

            “Yes. The training bases are being moved as we speak.”

            Poe nodded and kept staring at his hand holding the glass. He still didn’t feel any regret for what he had done. Was he a horrible person?

He had never exactly thought of himself as decent in any way. Before the mission to Jakku and meeting Finn and everything that had followed, he had never thought of himself as anything but an officer of the First Order. Poe Dameron was part of that concept. An officer who did his job, helping the Order advance in reclaiming its role in the play the galaxy was laying on.  He had become more than that, or at least he had discovered more about himself.

Finn had been another part in the Order’s game and at some point they had started working together, relying upon each other, trusting each other, had changed everything for them.

Morap too had been an officer. His rebellion hadn’t changed him, or his role. Not really. Morap was unable to trust. Unable to work with anyone but himself for his own gains. No. Poe wasn’t sorry for what he had done. Not in the slightest.

            “What did you do to him?”

            Poe looked up again, half expecting a scowl on her face. But all he could see was the expression of someone genuinely curious. She was a true warrior, he realized, and at the same time she rose higher in his esteem than he had ever thought possible.

            “Shot him,” he answered curtly and sitting up straight, a shiver running down his spine at the realization that he still wasn’t shocked at what he had done. That he didn’t regret a thing. No. He wasn’t decent. He was just Poe. Just a man fighting for what he believed in. Maybe. And maybe that was enough. Believing in something. Believing in someone to make the universe a better place. And Finn could be that someone. If only Finn was alright. If only…

 “In the leg. I’m sure the Order found him once they started sweeping the base for stragglers.”

            “There were none. Everyone is accounted for.” She didn’t comment on Morap, but that didn’t exactly surprise him. She was tough. Someone to look up to certainly. And he did.

            “Good to hear,” he said. He was sure that Morap had struck a deal with the Order. They weren’t going to take him back, but they might allow him and his organization to work for them. Running transports might even be a good source of income for Morap. He had picked a side, that was for sure. “What happens now?”

            “Do you want to know?”

            Poe bit on his lower lip and shook his head. “No,” he said. “Not really.” He understood all too well what she was saying with that one question. Did he want to join them? Did he want to follow in his mother’s footsteps? His father’s?

She seemed to trust him, but why, he couldn’t quite tell. She didn’t strike him as naïve, but he also couldn’t say why she’d be willing to offer him a place here. “I can’t,” he added. “Not without speaking to Finn first.” He wouldn’t make any kind of decisions or commitments without consulting with his partner first. “We’re a team.”

            Organa smiled weakly. “I know what that’s like. Believe me.” She nodded, seemingly satisfied with his answer. Loyalty was a concept she was familiar with. So was Poe. But to be fair, the loyalty of today was of a kind he hadn’t known before. Not really.

 

Blocks of ice.

            That’s what they were.

            Blocks of ice stuck between his lower legs.

            They made him want to pull away, but he didn’t. He never did. Not when he could have lost them so easily.

            “You’re cold.”

            “Stop complaining.”

            Poe rolled his eyes, but he pulled Finn closer anyway. Being annoyed with Finn’s icy feet was a luxury. Finn’s breath on his skin even more so.

            When Organa had taken him to the medbay to see Finn, he had been terrified. Terrified of seeing Finn like this. Unmoving, unconscious and unresponsive. He hadn’t even paid too much attention to Skywalker sitting next to Finn’s bed. Poe had only taken Finn’s hand into his and stared down at the man lying there in that horribly sterile bed. It had reminded him of the medbays on First Order Star Destroyers too vividly. He had forced himself to listen to Skywalker’s tale. Of how Finn had tried to protect her from Ren after they had managed to deactivate the shield and blast several holes into the oscillator’s outer hull with explosives they had taken along to Star Killer Base.

            Ren had hurt Finn, because he could. Because he was powerful enough to do so. Just like the Order would destroy everything in its path to get the galaxy under its control.

            Poe hadn’t been allowed to sleep next to Finn in the medbay, but he had spent every waking moment at Finn’s side for the whole week they had kept Finn in this state to guarantee a full recovery. Only when the Resistance had found a new base and Poe had been forced to leave the ship to land _The Beginner_ near the new base, had he left Finn’s bedside.

Of course Finn had woken up before Poe could return to him. His disappointment of not being able to be there to see Finn wake up had quickly abated. Just being able to talk to him again, to look into his eyes and be sure that Finn would be back to normal before long, had been more than enough.

“Getting better?” Finn asked, his hand moving up Poe’s back.

Poe nodded reluctantly and kissed Finn’s forehead. “You should put on some socks when you go to the bathroom,” he said softly.

“That would’ve taken too long.”

“You prefer waking me with your icy feet, huh?”

“Exactly.”

Shrugging, Poe pulled Finn a little closer. Finn had been awake for a couple of days now and his recovery was proceeding much quicker than Poe would’ve thought possible. So far, they hadn’t discussed future plans, but now, that the sun was rising and another day was to break upon them, Poe felt his spirits lift somewhat. He had no idea what was going on in the Resistance, since a commitment to them had been out of the question and he still wasn’t sure it was the right way to go. He blinked into the dark red rays of sunlight streaming in through the narrow window of their room.

“What are you thinking?” Finn asked.

“I’m wondering what we should do next. Any preferences?”

Finn shrugged. “We haven’t quite finished what we said we wanted to do, right? Get rid of the Order?”

Poe smiled slightly and shook his head. “No… no we haven’t. And then there’s the bounty on our heads… Bendar’s organization of smugglers is probably looking for us as well…”

“So… so you want to finish this?” Finn pulled away so he could meet Poe’s eyes. The expression on his face was so honest. So determined.

Poe’s heart contracted painfully.

He had been raised to be a soldier. A tactician.

He had fallen. He had put his old life behind him. Betrayed his friends and almost killed his former lover.

He had pulled free, because he had realized that he was a son, too. Because he had wanted to be free. Because this man in his arms had shown him that freedom was achievable. He had become more than just an officer in the First Order, because of Finn.

Had Finn made him this person he was now? Poe wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Finn had made him realize who he could be. Maybe that had been all it took.

For Finn to speak up.

For Finn to show him a path he hadn’t even considered before.

Poe nodded. “Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's it... it's done. I can't believe I finished this and everything... gosh...
> 
> Thank you so so much for sticking with me! Thank you for reading my FirstOrder!Poe fic. Your comments and kudos have kept me going though some pretty tough times
> 
> Please leave a comment if you liked it and even if you hated it! ;-)

**Author's Note:**

> The idea just came to me, I don't even know when it happened exactly and this feels like it's a HUGE experiment for me... anyway.. I'd like to thank my friends [flausengut](http://flausengut.tumblr.com/) and [starbirdrampant](http://starbirdrampant.tumblr.com/) who are wonderful and amazing betas. THANKS A LOT! :-* :-*


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